07/08/10 Surprises

Today was a most enjoyable day. As I've pondered today's events, I've discovered something. I find it easier to be surprised than it is to be the one who is surprising someone else. I think that is mostly because I have a definition of what it means to surprise someone and it generally takes a grand gesture. However, I'm thinking that if people were to share with me the ways in which I surprise them, I would receive feedback that I'm more surprising than I believe I am. Just like yesterday, when Kait told me I surprised her by agreeing to play Monopoly all day long. In light of that, I'm holding space and welcoming in feedback regarding the ways in which I surprise people. Interestingly enough... as I was writing that last sentence, I went to write "ways in which I surprise people" and it came out "ways in which I inspire people." Hmmmm... wondering about the cross!

I was surprised today by the sudden lightning and thunder storm that crashed through our neighborhood for all of three minutes, drenching the place and putting on a spectacular show. I was not so happily surprised by the rock that flew at a high velocity and hit my windshield, chipping/cracking it in two places. I was happily surprised, however, by the efficient and quick manner in which my insurance company handled the claim and got me set up for a mobile windshield repair for tomorrow!

I stayed inside for most of the day today, hanging with my Kait and didn't see many other people whom I could surprise. Oh! I surprised my Kait by finding the book for which she has been searching the last two days so she would have it when she went to meet the author tonight. She's never really been great at hunting for things. Usually she will enter the room, stand in the center of the room and say, "I can't find it," without ever actually looking anywhere. Somehow that is her definition of searching for something. She's always very surprised when I walk out of the room in which she "searched" with the very item she's been unable to find for some time. Funny stuff there.

07-08-10 Surprises

My first surprise came very early this morning. I received a text from my brother - who doesn't text - that said, "Happy day happy happy happy beautiful day :)" Really and truly! What a wonderful way to start my day!

My second surprise was the opportunity to play Monopoly with my Kait for most of the day, teaching her strategy and planning skills for the game. She's catching on really good and said that the fact that I agreed to play FOUR times with her all day today, that was my surprise to her.

My third surprise was laughing with her until we were both crying. She gets hiccups really hard and, when she does, for some reason, it makes us both laugh really hard and then that makes her hiccups worse, which makes us laugh harder and round and round we go. Proof of our delirium is to follow in these cellphone video clips...

Appreciation for 03/10/10

*The response to this week's Meditation has been really cool. *Watching my sweetest, dear friend, Kellie Brotherson on www.hulu.com. She's in the episode of Castle called The Mistress Always Spanks Twice. SO cool watching my friend on television!!! *The new Milky Way all Caramel candy bars. Yum! *Watching the Open Classroom's production of Annie unfold from the inside out. *Feeling powerful in the face of fear. *Feeling in my body the reassurance of who I am. *Watching my daughter walk out of the fitting room to show me the dresses she was trying on and realizing that my baby is becoming a beautiful woman. *My Pilates ball is cool! *The ShowTime original series United States of Tara. Toni Collette is amazing! ~ I am SO loving my life!

Grace in Small Things

Appreciation for 03/08/10

*Another day home with my baby. YAY! *Playing online games ALLLLLLLLLL weekend with her until both of us were completely delirious. *Sleeping soundly last night. *Working on Algebra with my daughter and actually having "ah-ha" moments. Things are finally making sense! After all. these. years! LOL *How quiet it is here this morning. The only sounds are my fingers on the keys, my breath, my daughter's pencil writing and her breath. Nice! *Comfy sweatshirts to cuddle in. *The sun streaming through the window. ~ I am grateful for my life!

Grace in Small Things

Appreciation for 03/04/10

*Music from the 80's. I'm a sucker for it. *Watching the elation of my daughter as she realized that she nailed her tryouts and loves the part she was awarded of Grace in Annie.  *Such appreciation for the kids of the Open Classroom and their courage to face their fears and REALLY go for it during tryouts and call backs the last three days. WOW! *Moving forward. *A delicious, delightful lunch with my dear friend, Paula, and spending hours talking, laughing, crying and sharing. *My curiosity that is leading me further and further down a road that surprises me at every turn. *Feeling complete. *My daughter's generous heart, tender spirit and kind ways. I appreciate her in each moment. *Having other adults say to me, "Your daughter is such a joy. I love her." or "She's beautiful. She can sing. She can dance. She can act. AND she's nice. WOW!" How fun is that!!! ~ I am SO loving my life! YAY ME for creating such a beautiful one!!!

Grace in Small Things

Appreciation for 02/27/10

*A calm, gentle weekend ahead. *Watching one of my favorite movies... Corinna, Corinna. *Oh the tenderness of innocent children. *I love dollhouses with miniature furniture, art and rugs. I wish I had a doll house right now to play with. *Hanging out with my daughter all weekend. *Beliefs that comfort. *Love. *Being here for every day of my daughter's time here on earth. I'm so grateful for being witness to her beautiful expansion and unfolding. *Creating art and magic and laughter with her. *Everything makes sense because I'm her mother. ~ I AM ALIVE!

Grace in Small Things

Appreciation for 02/24/10

*My daughter's gentle loving way she came in while I was sitting in front of my laptop and placed her most prized possession - Yellow Eyes - in my lap because "She wants to be with you, Momma." *I'm loving that my 12 year old daughter still calls me "Momma" in the way she has done since she first learned to say the word. It sounds more like Maw-muh. *Using a Q-tip to get the water out of my ear after my morning shower. Such a delightfully sensory-full experience! *Talking with my father about how he feels about my former husband and feeling such overwhelming love and compassion for him even though he doesn't agree with me. No one agrees with me, so I get that part. However, I'm appreciating that he is willing to hold space for love to come through. *Having the same sort of conversation with my mom and having her respond the same way... willingness to hold space for him to transform his life into something possitive. *I'm really appreciating that both of them listen to me and are willing to believe beyond anything humanly believeable that this man CAN become who I see in him and he is. *Feeling the power of love. ~ I am SO very grateful to BE alive.

Grace in Small Things

Appreciation #205

*My Meditation of the Week. Closet Recycling. *A day spent with my daughter. *Watching her eyes light up at the craft store when we discovered how much the gift card from Santa was worth. A hundred dollars?!!! Santa really outdid himself this year. LOL *A beautiful spring-like day with crystalline blue skies and sunshine. I can actually hear the birds chirping. Cool! *Moving forward, easefully. *Fun Dip - razzleapple is my favorite flavor. *My daughter's collection of stuffies. Even in our small space, she has oodles of them; enough that they are tumbling off the shelf. *Feeling curious about things I once considered unimportant and untrue. *Reading magical novels. ~ Feeling happy to BE alive today!

Appreciation #199

*This week's Meditation called Where is My Focus? *My daughter who says the funniest things. Last night, we had a conversation that went like this: I tell my daughter we shouldn't be watching this cable movie because it's probably inappropriate, like rated R for television. She asks, "What's it rated?" I say, "TV-MA." She asks, "What does that mean?" I say, "For mature audiences." She says, "Well, then we shouldn't be watching it since neither of us are mature." *And another one: 'isn't a viola a part of a vagina?' my daughter just asked. 'that would be VULVA.' I said. 'oh yeah. That's right. My bad.' *And another one: 'we saw great big piles of troll boogies on the playground at school today.' [Troll boogies: she explained that when they went to recess, there were big globs of snot-colored gelatinous goo plopped all over the playground. They didn't know what it was so they created the story that it was troll boogers.] These quotes were some of the gems from yesterday! *Oh! How I love her! She's a great big bundle of joy! *Giving over to the joy of laughing at the silly things. *Relishing in a shower that can be as hot or as cold as I so choose. *Appreciating my freedom. ~ Feeling IN LOVE with me!

Grace in Small Things

Temporary Home?

Okay... so... I'm driving home with my daughter tonight, feeling tender and raw after a few fairly emotional days. She and I find things to laugh about and I like that. Even in my saddest moments, she is able to bring laughter into my world. I cherish the gift of her.

As we drove, this Carrie Underwood song - that I've never heard - came on and I started sniffling right from the beginning because the first verse speaks to my brother and sister-in-law's situation. My daughter quietly says, "Shey-Shey cries when she hears this song."

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen... oh dear! The second verse comes on and I am sobbing. I can't help it. She's singing about my life.

I think... through the tears... that the third verse can't possibly apply. She's hit all the aspects of my life. And then... she starts singing my grandpa's story. What I want to know is... who has been reading mine and my family's blogs and writing songs about us?! :)

What a gorgeous song...



Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein' alone
Another new mom and dad,another school
Another house that'll never be home
When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face

"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."

Young mom on her own
She needs a little help got nowhere to go
She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out
Because a half-way house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl
Someday we'll find a place here in this world

"This is our temporary home
It's not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home.

Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers don't cry for me
I'll see you all someday
He looks up and says "I can see God's face"

"This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this was
My temporary home."

This is our temporary home

It's About the Climb, Is it?

What a day this has been. Wow. Rollercoast ride of emotions, to say the least.

This morning was A-MAZING! I surprised myself with how well I held the space for that many people - 75 kids and 15 adults! WOW! After running that much energy, I was burning up. I thought, perhaps the kids would only last for 5 minutes on the meditation. We went about 25 minutes! And then I gave them time to share about their journeys. I had time to allow about 10 of them to share and was completely drop-jaw awed and inspired by their experiences. WOW! And the way they sunk into doing their art was unbelievably cool. I thought we'd take maybe 60-75 minutes to do the whole process. We were in there 90 minutes and some of the kids weren't even ready to call it quits at that point.

I'm in love with myself for being willing to step up and share this gift I have. I love myself for wondering if children this age would groove on it and then being willing to give it a go. I love myself for being open to the possibilities and the result is the teachers are in love with the experience, as are the children and we will be doing it more often - every Tuesday in my home room. That SO rocks!

I wish that was all there was to say about my day. And, maybe I could leave it at that. However, that wouldn't really explain the "rollercoaster" part of the opening of this post, now would it...

Ye-eah... that.

Sheesh.

I'm wondering how I'm going to pull out of this emotional tailspin that seems to be spiraling at a deadly rate toward hell in a flaming handbasket. (WOW! Okay... I'm going to take a moment here. I just pulled a huge Freudian slip and I need to look at it. I wrote "emotional tailspin." I meant "financial tailspin." Give me a moment please...................................)

Yeah. I get that this is hugely emotional for me. My money is flying out the window faster than it's coming in and I can't do anything about it. I have not enough money for what is due. I have barely enough to make my car payment, phone payment, gas, car insurance and a little food. I live with my father to cut expenses that way. And, oh goodness! Thank all that is holy for that blessing. Just thinking about where I'd be right now if I didn't have this room to sleep in puts me into a miserable, gelatinous puddle.

So, I go to speak with a bankruptcy attorney to see if there is any possibility of that helping me out. What do I discover? Fuck. I discover that I need $1149 to claim bankruptcy. WTF?!!! If I had that much money, I'd pay off my creditors!!! What the hell?! And then, if I do pull that money out of my butt and want to keep my car, I need to requalify with the lendor, sign a new agreement and prove that I can make the car payments. Well, hell. How do I prove that? Given that I have no job, no job prospects and my unemployment benefits dry up at the end of February, how the hell will I pay that bill? And the courts will not grant the reaffirmation on the loan unless my attorney will sign off on my ability to pay the loan payment and my attorney won't sign off on that unless, of course, I can. So, yeah. I got nothin'.

I am so scared and sad. I cried all the way home and feel horrible because my 12 year old daughter witnessed it all and that ain't nothing a little girl should have to carry. My stress is becoming her stress and that ain't right. I feel worthless and hopeless and helpless and so very sad. I'm trying to have faith. I believe and have faith that something is going to change, something is going to give, something is going to happen to turn this all around. I'm having faith and, yet, I feel dangerously close to losing faith.

It feels like I'm standing in this vast open space of nothingness but there are no options. How is that even possible?

As I drove home, one of my favorite songs came on, The Climb, and I burst into tears as the lyrics floated through my mind and out my mouth. Eventually, I had to stop singing because I was gagging on my tears...

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

So, the song tells me to keep the faith. I'm afraid I'm forgetting how to do that...

Appreciation #163/365

*hulu.com rocks! I love watching whatever I want whenever I want. *Watched a show called Strictly Sexual the other night that was an interesting twist on the cabana boy theory and actually found myself shuddering and crying with the anger intensity of one of the story lines. It was all too familiar. *My health. *Working on my website all by myself and figuring out html on my own. Cool! *Understanding mentors who cut me slack when I forget to do it myself. *Remembering, knowing and being. *My beautiful daughter who is a joy every single day of my life. *"Standard Time" because I appreciate "gaining" that hour back. However, it still messes with my inner clock. -Feeling grateful to be alive!

Grace in Small Things

Appreciation #161/365

*My frighteningly beautiful Vampire Queen daughter. *Sleeping in and then waking up and realizing I have an hour jump on the day! *Hanging out with new friends who are becoming dear friends. *Seeing all the creativity in costuming. *Watching my daughter's delight in having a spontaneously-planned sleep over with three of her friends after they all went Trick-or-Treating together. *Loving seeing the joy in my daughter's beautiful eyes. *Knowing that she is growing up and I am getting to watch every moment of it. *My brother's announcement that their adoption court date is in one month. -Feeling grateful, so very grateful, for my life.

Grace in Small Things

Moved

I am so touched. Touched beyond words. I spent the Inauguration at my daughter's school and got to revel in the sounds of the celebration echoing through the halls as I ventured toward her room. I got to spend the morning drinking in the jubilant cheering and singing and dancing as these children witnessed the swearing in of a new president... a president with whom they identify even though they are too young to vote. I got to listen to their words and feel their excitement and witness their hope as they listened intently to his words. I imagined what the world looks like to these children and imagined that they felt safe, for the first time in maybe their whole life. I feel peaceful and hopeful and excited for what our future holds, for what the future holds for these children. I feel grateful to be alive, to be an American and to have played a small role in America's movement of change.

For My Daughter

Over eleven years ago, a miracle happened in my life.

I gave birth to a child. A girl-child who holds peace in her hands, healing in her soul and magic in her entire being. The moment I felt her release from my body, I was ensconced in a golden heat unlike anything I had experienced before. There was a moment's pause and then my doctor announced I had given birth to a perfect little girl. They placed a messy, squirmy, shiny bundle in my arms and I exploded in love and wonder. She stilled instantly, her eyes opening wide and staring at my face. Although I had been coached that she wasn't quite able to see yet, it felt like I was more seen in that moment than I had ever been in my life. In that moment, I was forever changed.

I am so blessed! I love you, Kaitlyn!

Afterglow

Soooooo... I was going through my "edit posts" screen and found this post that never got posted. It was originally written on 12/18/08...

I've discovered that when I allow myself to go fully through the emotions in that moment that I come out of it really quickly and am able to find the light and breath of life with ease. My mentors have often said that, if you allow your emotion to be fully expressed at the time it arises it will move through in a matter of as little as 20 seconds and only as long as 20 minutes, versus the 20 or so years that some people take to move an emotion. I have pondered that a lot and have tested it, finding it to be true. True, honest, core emotions - sad, fear, anger - can move through in lightning speed if I allow it.

My journey through anger and sadness yesterday was a roller coaster ride. That is another thing I have discovered. Emotions can come in waves, especially when a "trigger" keeps reappearing. I spent most of my day yesterday feeling the emotions all the way through and then seeking compassion for the mother who was having a conniption over the illegal-ness of my class proposal.

See... her husband has been battling cancer for eight years. She is working full time, supporting him, supporting their child and spearheading one of the most visible and busy committees in the school. I imagine she's tired and scared and strung out thinner than even she realizes. I imagine that the slightest speck of dust in her precisely-oiled wheel of life causes great consternation. My forward-thinking proposal for an elective class - on a topic she doesn't believe in or understand (and, let's face it, that a majority of the US does not believe in or understand and finds highly controversial) - was a huge clump of dust flying at her spokes.

I get that she felt scared for the school. I understand that she is looking out for the welfare of our amazing Open Classroom, protecting us from "bad media" and the State Legislature breathing down our necks. So, I now understand the fuel that was propelling that monstrous outburst yesterday.

After talking about my proposal all day long yesterday with so many different people, I feel excited for what's around the corner. There will be endless discussions with numerous committees and lawyers over the next few weeks while we, who are in full support of this class, move forward to bring it to pass. It won't be on the roster for the second semester. However, I am confident we will get it there for the third semester and the response is going to be overwhelming. Because, as we have seen with controversial movies and such, publicity about something being controversial raises interest. I know that with big change comes huge resistance. Therefore, I am thinking I must be totally on to something. I have opened the floodgates of evolution and feel excited for the journey forward.

Stay tuned...

And... in other news...

In the midst of all the drama yesterday, I had a moving experience with the children of the Open Classroom. We walked several blocks to The Leonardo museum to view the BodyWorlds3 Exhibit. I had no idea how I was going to react to the human bodies. However, when I walked in, I was breathless with wonder and awe and surprised by the immense beauty of the human creation. I found myself tearful and reverent and worshipful as I meandered from body to body, gazing at the miraculous construction of the human form from within.

Tears slowly rolled down my cheeks as my daughter and I walked through the Fetus room, looking at fetuses in stages from 5 days to 35 weeks. That room had been deemed "too controversial" so the children were not able to enter unless their parent was a chaperone that day. My daughter was grateful I was there and she leaned over to me and whispered, "I can feel Adrianna here." The babies were serenely beautiful and I felt a deep yearning to touch each one, love them and hold them.

I felt grateful and fully, magically human as I walked through the displays of bodies that no longer showed age or stress. They were just there, on display, in all their original, mysterious majesty and I was moved. I felt grateful that someone had discovered plastination and completely wide-eyed, jaw-dropped engrossed in every display, especially those that contained the circulatory system. I love that some man's imagination (Gunther von Hagens, Institute for Plastination, Heidelberg, Germany) led to this amazing exhibit. What a generous gift he has given the world and all who are willing to partake.

It was a strangely awe-inspiring day yesterday, from beginning to end. And I love that I can go through all that I did and still go to bed (early) last night with a contented smile on my face.

Life IS good!

One

My daughter started a new school this year. It has been an amazing adventure for her and she has grown by leaps and bounds - physically and emotionally. She just recently turned 11 and I have watched as, day by day, she turns into a young woman. I remember being that age. For me, it was a sad, sad, sad age. My parents had moved me from my bestest-ever friends and had plopped me in a neighborhood where I seemed to always be on the outskirts. I hated the school. I didn't have any friends and no one was nice to me. When I think back to when my pattern began of not being my true self so others maybe would like me, it was that year.

She is having a different experience, however. Although the change in schools took her from some of her bestest-ever friends, many of whom she had been in school with for over three years, I was able to find a school that better suits her personality and she is soaring. I feel grateful for that! She has new bestest-ever friends, which live nowhere near us - this school has no boundaries and some people drive over an hour each direction to get there - and are begging their parents to figure out play dates with me. Last Wednesday, I had the parents of several children come up to me and say, "I have been charged by my child to set up a play date with your child." I felt all teary-eyed and blessed, grateful that this school has been such a good fit.

The drive, for us, to get to school takes about 30-45 minutes, depending on traffic. We go from the southwest end of the Salt Lake valley to the northeast corner, into the avenues. The school was established in the late 1800's and is surrounded by old mansions and quaint cottages, with huge trees. Right now, the area is breathtaking with all the fallen leaves coloring the ground. The avenues are built along the rolling foothills of the Rocky Mountains to the east of the State Capital. Because they are on the mountainous incline, most of the roads are rather steep. I am always astounded by all the bikers going up those streets with determination.

This morning we were slowly climbing a hill which had a stop sign at the top of the incline. Traffic was backed up for the entire block, which is usual. To my right, there was a biker determinedly pumping away at her pedals. She seemed to be going nowhere fast, slowly enough that she was wobbling to keep balanced. I wanted to reach out the window and hold her up and help her along to the top of the hill. She didn't look like she needed or wanted my help, seemingly being in perfect fitness. However, I still wanted to help.

The one thing that always delights and surprises us, though, is the man on the unicycle. He charges down the street, sitting ramrod straight on his circus bike. He carries a proper, age-worn briefcase, always wears muted-colored polyester pants, a tan zip-up wind breaker and a bow tie. It is the combination of the attire with the unicycle that leads me to believe that he is possibly not from this time! The first day we saw him, my daughter's eyes grew wide and she giggled. "I wonder if he used to work in the circus, Momma. Look how fast he goes!"

Unicyclers have an awkward gait, or at least he does. It's a sort of jerky, bouncy movement and he never stops pedaling. Every time I see him cruising down the hills, his legs circling in a blur of jaggedness, I cannot help but wonder... how the hell does he make it home on that thing?!

First Day

Tears gather and burn behind my eyelids as I watch my daughter, so young and yet so grown up, walk out onto the strange playground. She has no friends here, yet, in this foreign environment. She looks timid and uncertain of herself and slowly steps, inch by inch, onto the blazing black top of her new school's playground. My baby is venturing out and she is all alone.

Since she started preschool, she has been in the private sector of education. It has been a cocoon of sorts which has been busted open for several reasons - all of which are none of her doing. Although she would never say it, because she trusts me, I imagine she would rather have stayed in her routine at her old school where things were familiar, faces were familiar, where she was queen of the hive. Financially, though, it was too much for her father and so I found the most loving alternative and enrolled her in the Open Classroom.

This forward-thinking school has been around for over 30 years and is still a free, public school. Its only requirement: parents must agree to be in the classroom for three hours every week. That requirement alone is enough to keep the class sizes small and manageable. It also creates a much more intimate and fluid experience. The parents participate. Frequently. Who woulda thought it! They come from all over the valley and beyond - some driving over an hour to get their children to the school. They come because they believe in the theory: with parent involvement, the school is better, the child does better and everyone is happier.

I found myself amongst a group of very friendly parents today. Many dreadlocks and tie-dye shirts to be seen. Free thinkers all around me. It was astounding. I felt like I had gone to an entirely different state. So many artisans and brilliantly creative people surrounding me! I felt like I had found another tribe to which I now fit in and belong.

Because the classrooms are open, parents are able to come and go as they please. They are welcome in the classroom at all times. I stayed the morning and learned about classroom policies. I got to experience the children up close and personal. I got to hear about their summers and was introduced to their personalities. I could clearly decipher who was the queen bee of the sixth grade and I sensed my daughter sizing her up, knowing that that position would have been hers at her old school.

I ached as I watched from afar as she meandered across the playground. I remembered her first day at the old school. A friend found her immediately but she was young then, only six. It happens easier then. Today, at almost eleven years old, she was left alone, the other old bees buzzing about their hive in familiar fashion. The sadness was familiar for me... that feeling of so not belonging and being so alone. I remembered my seemingly endless experiences with that very situation... eight different schools before junior high.

I watched her and swallowed hard, holding tightly to the door so that I didn't rush out and rescue her. I watched as the room mother found her and a few of the other new bees and slowly walked them toward the queen. I watched as my daughter made timid friends with one of the other new girls. I watched as they climbed up on the wall to sit in the shade, chatting quietly and smiling shyly.

It is time for her wings to stretch, certainly. That's what children do when they hit middle school. They begin to stretch and broaden their horizons. They begin to explore new concepts, new ideas, new fads. They become aware of opposite gender in new ways and the ever-present cliques become more evident.

I get that. And my eyes still fill with tears. My baby is growing up and will soon know how to fly on her own without needing any guidance from me. Being a mother is a gut-wrenching, heart-rending experience, at times.

Awareness...

I am aware that, as of late, my posts have been all "love and light." I'm not usually this sappy or continually peppy. In general, I am a happy person, yet I am still prone to having long lengths of time where I am intensely angry and hateful. Life just seems to be going good right now and when it comes time to write, I feel excited to say, "I FEEL GOOD!"

I have spent years trying to find my Happy Place. There were so many times I wondered if I could go on and if it was even worth trying. For a long time, if you had asked me if I wanted to live, I would have answered, "Yes. I want to live because I have a beautiful daughter. I want to see her grow up into a beautiful woman." For a long, long time my daughter was my only reason for living.

Then, I had a Life or Death choice eight months ago when I walked through the Nile. When I was faced with that choice, I realized that I truly did want to live. I chose in that moment to take another breath, to choose to be here, to stay here for myself and no one else. That choice, I believe, has made all the difference in my life.

So, I will revel in this beautiful life I am creating and I will share with you the joy and love I feel. If it gets dull, all this loving, I am okay if you move on. I imagine there will be down times and times when I am seething again. However, right now, it is not one of those times and I am going to cherish that fact.

By Example...

I overheard a conversation tonight between my daughter and my father's wife. I heard my daughter say, "I have a story..."

I didn't hear what the story was because I was so surprised to hear those words come out of her mouth. I have never explained to her the theory behind the ALC statement of "I have a story." She just totally gets it. She is listening to me use the language of ALC and is begining to try it on for herself.

I feel excited and humbled and honored and happy to be raising a conscious child. I feel excited and happy when I think about what the future holds in store for her with these amazing tools she is being given. And, most especially in this moment, I feel profoundly awed by this understanding of the concept of "teaching by example."