Reflecting Back to Me

I'm so grateful for the loved ones in my life. I'm so grateful for my friends and family members who so gloriously reflect back to me that which I'm unable to see in myself... both good and bad. I feel blessed by the presence of so many amazing people in my life and, as I see myself through their eyes and get to know myself more by loving them, I'm learning what an amazing person I am myself. It's such a beautiful gift!

Over the last nine months, I've had the opportunity to go within myself in a way I never have before. Everything I've held dear has crumbled around me - several friends ended their relationship with me all within a 3-week period; friends have died; other friends are in the final throes of dying. I've given up everything I once thought was important. I'm without a stable job and income. I'm without a place of my own to live. I'm without almost every worldly possession I once called my own. I'm experiencing the least amount of money I've ever had since I was 15 years old. I've taken a leave of absence on my relationships with my family members. Even my daughter is spreading her wings and taking flight. This has resulted in me going within to dredge up the final sludge - the dirtiest, stickiest and most foul-smelling grime - that has been holding me captive so that I could free myself from my own bonds.

Last night I attended the "Farewell to Life Skills with Megan" class and experienced immense healing and closure of a very pivotal chapter in my life. Many people there last night have willfully and publicly chosen out of my life and terminated close relationships I had cherished. I've been hurt and I've felt sadness so deep that I knew I was pulling up from the depths of me that which had never been released. Walking into that space was one of the most terrifying things I've done. I chose to just sit with what was, feel my feelings and STAY. In the end, I was grateful that I had gone within, to find MY home and that, because I had, I was safe. I was saved. And I walked away knowing I had completed that which I had come there to complete. I had found ME.

This morning, I called a dear friend, Auretha, to get clear on a couple things we had been discussing via email. Through my relationship with her, I've come to understand huge things about myself and have uncovered many of my flaws as I've stumbled, time and again, ungracefully in her presence. Bumping up against her, going head to head and, at times, turning completely away from her has shown me the grace within me that I had been refusing to claim.

As she and I talked and laughed, I shared with her some of the healing aspects I had experienced last night. I shared about the transformation I witnessed within myself and, at the end of my sharing she said, "Angie, as I listen to your voice you feel... found. To me, you feel found."

I laughed and said, "Yes, Auretha! I do feel found!" I started to share with her about the closure aspect of the evening's events and found myself getting really distracted. All around me there were cop cars, stopped and blocking roads. I continued to try to carry on conversation with her, growing evermore distracted by the flashing lights and uniforms. Streets to the side of me were closed. Streets up ahead were closed. Cops everywhere. And still I kept trying to talk to her.

Suddenly, around the corner came an entire brigade of motorcycle cops with their lights flashing.

"Is there a famous person's funeral or something going on?" I distractedly asked her, as I gave her a blow-by-blow of what I was witnessing. She was quiet on her end. I rambled on about the lights and the uniforms and, still kept trying to complete the thought I had been in the middle of expressing.

Two dozen officers rounded the corner as I came parallel with them. Then I saw them. There were runners. Lots of runners. And cyclists.

"Is there a marathon today, Reth?" She had no time to answer because I blurted, "Oh! There's a torch! They're running an Olympic torch. Are we having the Olympics somewhere this summer??? Oh! How cool! A torch!!!"

On her end, she was quiet, but I could feel her smiling.

"I'm so sorry, Reth," I said, coming back to myself and realizing I had totally lost track of where I was. Judging myself for being rude, I apologized again. "I certainly got distracted there. So sorry!"

I could hear the smile in her voice when she asked, "Do you remember what we were talking about?"

I felt my Good Student pop up and I scrambled frantically for the answer, afraid to disappoint my friend. "Oh, yes! You had just finished saying that I felt found and I was wrapping up my experience of feeling found."

"Yes. You were sharing that you are found. You are complete, my friend. And look at what God sent you!"

I got chivels as she continued, "You are ready and God sent you a brigade of beautifully uniformed officers, flashing lights and an Olympic torch to show you you are ready for the games to begin. This year is going to be so big for you, Angie!"

Tears ran down my cheeks and I realized, once again, how very blessed I am that I have so many eyes through which I can see myself. Thank you, Reth, for being my eyes in that moment. And thank you, God, for sending me such a clear message.

Let it Rock!

The night was every description of perfect. Amazing weather. Beautiful people. Energy that was soothing AND energizing at the same time. People showed up in droves and stayed most of the night. Everywhere I turned, there was the face of someone I loved. People loved my art and went home with their favorite piece - or pieces. It was an astounding experience.

This morning, as I prepare this update for you, I feel a curious mixture of heavy, unmovable and alert. I am experiencing myself today with the sensation of being full of cement, my body being reluctant to bend and sway. After the exhilaration of last week which showed up as the inability to sleep for several nights, I imagine that is the biggest reason why I am feeling the effect of gravity with monumental intensity.

I feel so blessed to have created this breathtaking experience for myself and those who chose in to experiencing it with me. I had people show up that were friends of friends, that I had never met before. I had blogging friends show up (Hi, Lynn!) that I had no idea would be in attendance and felt so excited to meet. I had many of my ALC buddies there and they stayed for the bulk of the night, adding laughter and connection to the event. My local, immediate family members were all there. And, how cool is this???! Three different people I knew from high school and haven't seen since, showed up simply because they had seen my information on facebook and felt excited to support me! Two of my beautiful friends (Hi, Liz and Nichol!) showed up first thing and stayed all the way through, offering me a home base where I could touch down and regroup every now and then. My former husband, his wife and his architectural designer friends came and, a little later, one of his employee's and his wife and step daughter did too. My lifetimes-long soul connection (Love you!) also offered his presence and strength, warming my heart and holding me up with his smile.

By the end of the night, my emotions were running so full, I was overflowing. There were no words. I could only cry. The love and the appreciations bubbled out of me in tears as people hugged me good night. I felt kerfuffled and, yet, peaceful. It was the most complete I have felt in a long while and I created it all! The feedback I received from practically everyone was, "You are radiating love and glowing. You are absolutely beautiful."

My mentors, Megan and Annabeth, as they were leaving both hugged me close. I could feel their appreciation and, knowing how much they have witnessed of my journey, I knew they could feel what I was experiencing. Annabeth could only say over and over, "This is SO big! I'm so proud of you! I love you!"

Megan stood in front of me and asked, "How do you feel?"

There were no words, however. So I showed her. She gets my body-movement language and I showed her what I was feeling as tears ran down my face. She smiled and said, "Draw that, Ang! Create that image. That is your million dollar piece of art!"

Indeed it is! Talk about a night of continual chivels!!!

I've said it before and I'm gonna say it again now... LIFE IS GOOD!

Sharing (6)

"My Feet"

My feet have done me proud all my life. They are little, tiny things - generally a size 5 1/2 or 6 - which makes sense since I am only 5' tall. I always am amused by people who flip over how small my feet are because it would just be silly if they were any bigger. I would look like a clown.

My feet have danced my way through life so they are strong and know how to point prettily. What I like most about my feet is that they are symetrical... from big toe to little toe, each toe is just slightly shorter than the one proceeding it. They form a beautiful, graceful, curving slope downward without the usual second-toe-longer thing that most people have. I like that. And it made it so much more comfortable when it came time for me to go up en pointe when I was in ballet.

Over the last few years, my feet have begun to feel sad. As the pounds have accumulated around my small skeleton, my feet have taken the brunt of it. They are supporting double the weight they were made to support and they are showing the wear and tear. Some days, by the time I crash into bed, my feet seem to be screaming for relief. Thing is, the louder they scream, it seems I ignore them more. I mean, I am not losing any weight. It's just staying there. I feel different about myself and people are seeing me differently, but the scales? They still holler out the truth with blaring rudeness.

In addition to the weight, the energy work I do really grounds through my feet. I became aware of the change in my feet when I began my internship as Reiki Master Teacher. My feet went through some wild changes during that time. And now, I am really aware of them while I am working. Sometimes they feel as hot as a volcano. Sometimes they feel heavy, like they are encased in cinderblock. While I am doing this work and channeling in a cycle heaven to earth, I realize that the energy is not accumulating there, but those little feet of mine are conduit for the heat of the Universe.

A few years ago, my mother gave me a pedicure as a gift. She loves pedicures. I appreciated the loving gesture and ventured in to the salon for the experience. Because my feet appear so abused - no matter how much lotion I slather on them - I am very conscious of how others view my feet. I have had people gasp in horror when they spy the gaping cracks and thick, calloused heels. It isn't pretty and I felt embarrassed to have someone working on my feet.

The young lady was not very well trained. She razored my heels to rawness. She picked at my toenails until they bled (I have never had a problem with the toes, just the heels) and she buffed the sides of my feet to burning pinkness with a block of what seemed like coarse-grained sandpaper. For three weeks following the ordeal, I could barely walk and the pain for the first three days was so intense it brought tears to my eyes. I haven't had a pedicure since.

While I was in massage school, Reflexology was a required course - actually the very first class of my very first semester. People were going to have to be touching my feet???! Ugh! I was mortified! The ten-week class, however, gave me a new appreciation of my feet. I began to love them again. They began to feel happy again. Then the class ended and I no longer had an "excuse" to pay attention to them.

My feet have continued to do what is expected of them. They walk me to and fro. They dance me. They run me if, god forbid (cuz I hate it!), I ever decide to run. They jump when I need them to. They hold me steady on the earth. And... I ignore them, for the most part.

My good friend, Jen Halterman offers an amazing service of Intuitive Coaching while the client is receiving an ionic foot bath. She and I discussed the option of doing professional trades. I had no idea what an ionic foot bath was and was concerned that it was a modality that, once again, would focus my attention on my feet, but it felt right (chivels and all) so I went for it.

WOW!

I loved that I had the ability to see a physical response to the energetic and emotional processing she facilitated. Being that I am a Reiki Master Teacher, I am able to amp up the process and truly chose in for the hour I was with her. I experienced physical, shifting responses in my body. I felt pain rise and leave. I heard my stories of sadness disipating into the water that grew evermore murky until it looked like I was soaking in thick coffee. I appreciated the sensations that woke up in my adipose fat - my biggest storage area of protection. I appreciated the innate sense that the memories were dissolving and melting out of me.

Afterward, I felt lighter and my feet felt wide awake. I was so aware of my feet, sending them appreciations and love. Despite the weight they carry, my feet truly do their job well. I am grateful for that.

BACK TO DIRECTORY

No Segues

It is so hot here that, when I walked into my darkened office this morning, I could see the reflection of the heat waves shimmering on the wall which is fifty feet from the front door. The sunlight spills through the solid glass door and reflects off windshields and sidewalks. It cast the reflection all the way to the back room where the wall appeared to be alive.

~~~

I remember going to California as a child and feeling surprised that everything was so grey. The ocean appeared grey. The sky was grey - even when there were no clouds. It was such a contrast from the crystalline blue skies of my home.

Now, when I wake up and venture across the valley, I start up high enough that I am reminded, every day, of just how out of control the Utah population is. The skies are no longer blue and correct me if I'm wrong, but it can't be healthy to be breathing in the schmultz that is hanging in the air now. There is an actual visible layer of the gunk gripping the valley every single day now.
~~~

I am an energy worker. Because of that, I find that I get "messages" in some of the strangest places. My latest comes from the fictional vampire hunter novel, Obsidian Butterfly by Laurell K. Hamilton, I am reading and is the answer to a lot of the questions I have had about some of my newest clients. While I realize this book is fictional, I also understand that I get my messages from many different sources and I trust my body to know the truth. When I got chivels, I sat up and paid attention.

The main character said, "I'm saying that psychic ability can masquerade as mental illness. I know ghost hunters that hear the voices of the dead like whispers in their ears, one of the clasic symptoms of psycophernia. Empaths, people who draw impressions from other people, can be depressed because they're surrounded by depressed people, and they don't know how to shield themselves. Really strong clairvoints can spend their lives getting visions from everything they touch, unable to turn it off, again seeing things that aren't there. Psycophernia. Demonic possession can mask itself as a multiple personality. I could give you examples for the next hour matching mental illness with different types of power."

~~~

I love the song Viva La Vida by Cold Play. The strings that back the singers knocks me out and gives me chivels.



~~~

I love the work I do in my healing space. I love the talents I have been blessed with. I feel happy to be alive.

Today is a beautiful day.

The Long Rest

Saturday was an incredible gift to myself.

A few months ago, a new client walked into my life and she has forever changed me. I love it when that happens! She (Hi, Liz!) opened my eyes to the huge possibilities of who I am. I had been dreaming small and hoping for greatness, yet having no idea what that looked like or how to go about it. My imagination was so limited on what I could come up with, mostly because I tend to be an "Either/Or" sort of gal and have difficulties finding the "AND" space.

She emailed me a few months ago and said, "Angie, have you ever heard of psychic parties? I am wondering if we could do that, only with Reiki?"

I about fell off my chair as chivels washed over me. A Reiki Party?!?! Who would've thought?! Well, Liz would've thought, that's who. I had been asking the Universe, "How can I grow my business, share what I do AND have fun?" The Universe delivered Liz.

Saturday was the premier of the Reiki Parties. As I prepared the space on Friday, I worried that the women would get bored while they were waiting for their session. I was worried that I would not be able to provide a juicy enough session in the fifteen minutes per person limit. I was worried that no one would show. I was worried they would want to leave as soon as they were done.

All of it was for naught.

The women stayed for over four hours. We had an excellent showing. There was a lot of laughter and tears. The women supported one another and shared with one another their experiences from their mini-sessions. They said they would do it again and would recommend it to their friends. I got great feedback on the experience.

My first Reiki party was a HUGE success. I attribute part of that success to my hostess, Liz. She was gracious and beautiful, peaceful and informative, loving and loveable. I wouldn't have ever thought of this without her and am grateful that the first experience was so amazing.

I feel successful, peaceful and abundant today. I feel like I am on top of the world and feel excited to have the opportunity to share who I am, what I know and how I feel with the world. I am grateful I am sharing in a way that is bringing love and peace to those around me so that they can spread that to the people they know. My touch is creating ripples of wonderfulness and I feel so blessed to be in the center of that!

WOW! It's a beautiful day!

Dream Building 101

For the first time since I got so deathly ill back in September, I returned to my Life Skills classes last night. I was blown away by how packed the space was. I would venture to guess there were about 50 people there. I remember the good ole days, over five years ago, when I was one of a core of regulars numbering five at the most, including me! I love that I started out before this got big, that I have got to watch it grow and leap and stretch. Doing so with them has done so for me in my personal life. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Megan for catching a vision twelve years ago and starting these classes. I am grateful for her willingness to forge on and for her partner, AnnaBeth, who became a co-teacher just as I ventured into their realm. The two of them see me!

Last night, we began a new series called "Dream Building." The moment I walked into the room, my body exploded in chivels. (Chivels are my own personal body experience, which developed last year. I am incredibly intuitive, with strong body signals, and whenever I am in a space of truth, or if someone speaks a truth, or I state a truth then my body explodes in all these signals at once. My nipples stand out [Wooohoooo! Gotta love that!!!], I get shivers and chills and this huge, sizzling energy zaps through me instantaneously. Thus, Chills+Shivers+Nips+Zap=Chivels) The coolest thing was that it did not stop for the whole night! It was a wild ride and such a rush. I knew I was in a space where something big was coming. I could see it in AnnaBeth and Megan, just simmering there, waiting to be uncorked.

We did an exercise wherein they played some very moving music and then we spent the time writing down things that came to our mind from our lives. Each thing was just a jotted note with a little dot that we would eventually connect to uncover any themes or patterns. As I began, I was, of course, sobbing because they chose to share the song that AnnaBeth is using for her personal epic journey right now, 10,000 Miles by Mary Chapin Carpenter. It's not so much the words for me, although they are amazing, it is more the sound of this song just goes deep into my soul. (I included a beautiful photo montage that someone has created with this song as the background for your listening/viewing pleasure.)

I was amazed at how fast the memories came at me. Little clips of my life coming as a frenetic slide show of images and sounds. I began with the thought that we would be eventually connecting the dots, although they didn't tell us that up front. Therefore, I wanted my picture to be pretty. I wanted to do it right. Thing is, it was all coming at me so fast, there was no way to organize it or make it form a pretty picture. So I just wrote.

Memories came at me first in the faces of the people I have loved. There they were all shining and beautiful before me. And then I would remember my life through them. These little pieces of who I am all a part of who I love. I wrote furiously, my page unclear through the tears. And it just kept coming.

Then they said, "Now connect the dots."

I blinked several times and stared at the page, trying to see something, anything in the pool of words and dots splashed upon my page. Then I felt led. Just move with it, I heard. So I did, fearing all the time that I was doing it wrong. This is what I did with it

I flowed with it. Each dot led me to the next and I just went with it. I didn't read what was beside each dot or think oh! That one is next! I gotta go there. I just moved and flowed through it, starting and ending at some random point. I discovered, in the end, that the random starting and ending points were actually not so random. They both were part of the same situation which happened in the middle of my life lived to this point. I love the perfection of the Universe and the way the messages happen...

So I stared at the completed project, seeing no pattern, no picture, no themes. I felt angry. I did it wrong. Mine's not working. Which, in and of itself, was a very familiar pattern for me. Then my dear friend sitting next to me said, "Yours is so flowy. I like how it leads from one dot to the next in a smooth, flowing pattern. Mine feels all jaggedy." I looked at hers and at others around me. I saw many kindergarten Christmas trees and shapes that looked like angry bam!s from cartoons...

I saw a heart and a few circles. But nothing looked like mine. Mine's different. I did it wrong.

Mine's different. I did it wrong.

So sad, this propensity of mine to make my uniqueness, wrongness.

I stared at my picture, loving the dancing feel of it and the loop-de-loop appearance. I liked my picture, but it wasn't really a picture. It was simply a looping, curvy line that led from one dot to the next.

Then Megan said, "Close your eyes. I am going to ask you a question and I want you to jot down the very first thing that comes to your mind when I do."

I closed my eyes immediately, trusting her to guide me safely. She waited until the room was quiet and then asked, "What have you been preparing your whole life to do?"

The first thing that came to me was...

a white expanse with black horizontal lines???

I immediately went into analyzing mode. What could this possibly mean? Is that a blank sheet of paper? Does it mean I have been meant to write????

On and on it went, this analyizing. Until I realized that Megan was talking and I was completely out of the exercise, out of my body, out of the room.

I brought it home and asked myself the question. I made it first person and was stunned with the answer.

"What have I been preparing my whole life to do?"

L E A D!

What the hell?! I am not a leader! I am a follower. WHAT?!

In fact, I even commented to Tewkesbury on one of my recent blogs, that very thing, "I have a story, though, that I am more of a follower rather than a leader. You set up a party, I'll be there, but I will be damned if you ask me to plan it - sort of thing. It is, of course, mostly a story. A cover up, if you will. Cuz, in the end it all boils down to the fact that I'm just a great big scaredy cat."

I am here to LEAD?!

Then I looked at my picture and I remembered my feelings, that this line led me from one event/person to the next. I remembered that I have always felt that I have been led and that I am where I am because I am supposed to be. I remembered that each moment has felt as though it was designed to lead me to the next. I remembered my friend saying that she felt like she was led through my life just by looking at the picture.

Tears and chivels.

I shared my experience with the group and AnnaBeth said, "Angie, I appreciate you sharing that because it really does take guts to stand up for who you are. As humans, we tend to say that we are not actually what we are because it is really damn scary to be who we are sometimes. It can be really scary to be who you are meant to be."

And then Megan said, "Ang, I know for a certainty that it takes the best follower to be the best leader and that the best leaders know when to lead and when to follow and they do both."