Imagery

On December 13th, I attended a product launch of one of my friends and mentors, Megan Sillito, wherein she gave a mini Genius Workshop. I love Megan. She has a way of presenting what she says in such an inviting and welcoming way. If you ever get a chance to attend one of her workshops or classes or to read her books, I highly recommend it.

In this workshop, I sat wide-eyed and ready to be fed, just as a baby bird awaits her mother. I have sat at the feet of this Teacher/Genius for over five years now and, yet, it is still always new. I find new insights for myself. I hear new things. I am awakened, yet again, to new and wonderous ways of thinking. I begin to actually live!

This night was no different. Although, it felt different. I felt different. Due to my journey through the Nile and the recurring illnesses resulting thereof, I have been away from my friends, my community, my "learning places" for almost four months now. To sit there, amongst them again and listen to Megan speak was manna for my whole being and I felt myself coming back to life.

She guided us on an imagry experience through the next twenty years of our lives. I am all about guided imagry sessions. I believe it is one of the coolest, funnest and eye-opening (even though your eyes are closed - LOL - I am talking about your real eyes, silly) experential way of learning. Because it is imaginary, it is limitless. I like that idea.

She had us go to a stairway. Mine was a beautiful, winding stairway with stunning ornamental design. My stairway, as I traversed it downward upon her instruction, evolved with the journey. Steps appeared just as I needed them and instead of walking down, the steps came to me and lowered me down. No effort. At the eventual bottom of my staircase, the space opened into a massive cavern adorned with vibrant, glowing crystals and gems. There was a pool of shallow water which had gathered upon the floor and reflected the light all around. To the left was an archway which I exited through to find myself in the woods.

It was quiet there, cool and serene. The only sounds were of my footsteps and an occasional flutter of the aspen leaves high above me. I smelled the earth, damp and fresh. I smelled decomposing leaves and pine sap. I smelled the dew which sparkled in the dappled sunlight. Soon, I spied a small fawn stepping delicately through the undergrowth. It stopped in the pathway and looked at me. No fear, just stillness. It continued on its way and was soon followed by a majestic deer, which bounded through the forest without heeding my presence. His assurety was evident. He was King of the Forest, his impressive rack of pointed antlers held proudly aloft. He was the largest of his species I had ever scene. I thought for a moment, due to his size, that he was a bull elk. I have experienced those up close (read more here) and know them to be sizeable animals. I asked him what he was and he told me he was a deer, 'the biggest deer you've ever seen.' I smiled, grateful that my animal guide had a sense of humor.

He allowed me to approach him, the situation void of wariness or fear on either being's part. I put my arms around his chest, my fingers not being able to touch on the other side, and I buried my face against his neck. Warm. Alive. Knowing. He allowed me to ride his back for the next part of my journey, which took us out into an open meadow. The sunlight on my face warmed my skin. The slight breeze then cooled it, lifting my hair lightly and causing the grasses to sway gently.

In front of me, as Megan suggested, my Self, one year from now, appeared. I was happy to see she was smiling. She shimmered mysteriously and I watched as she gracefully danced nearer to where I stood. She moved with ease and a sinuous elegance. I was surprised to see her apparent litheness, although she was not a small-bodied woman. Her smile radiated and filled the space. She had a message for me: You are on the path now. You have all you need within you. Your key is Gratitude.

We embraced as I thanked her and I felt her solid strength. I felt such gratitude.

She left me and another woman joined me. She was the Me of Five Years Hence. I audibly gasped out, then covered my mouth when I remembered there were others near me. I was caught off guard to see her holding an infant with such ownership. I felt confused. How could I possibly be holding a baby? I lost myself for a moment trying to figure out the why of the image and whose baby it was. Then I came back and focused on her. She was so peaceful. She held that baby, looking down into its face with such love. She smiled at me and delivered her message: You ARE joy. You travel forward, going step by step, in the direction you are guided. Allow your Soul to lead you. Allow the Universe to guide you. Your key is Joy.

When I embraced her in gratitude, I felt the Joy of which she spoke. The baby was warm between us and I was enveloped in a Love so intense, I could feel the physical presence of it.

She sauntered away and I was joined by the Me of Twenty Years Hence. She was tall. Very, very tall and I laughed silently at that since I am so not tall. Her smile was permanent and she moved with the wisdom and assurances of a life well-lived. She held out her hand to me and took it in mine. I could feel the ages reverberate through us and my own hands, there in the physical space where I was in the Now, began to sparkle and vibrate in that way that is so familiar to me now. Her message: You are complete right here, right now. You live as you are meant to live. You do what you are meant to do. You BE who you are meant to be. They are waiting for you. Your key is Completion.

She stepped back from me and I felt shaken with knowledge. She smiled at me and caressed my hair then tilted my chin back so that I could look into her eyes. I felt her touch the Me that I am now and, as I thought thankfulness into her, she merged with me and I was complete.

I found myself holding onto the neck of my Deer. He looked at me and I asked if he had anything to share with me. His message: I am Deer. I am King of This Forest. None rival me in size, in presence, nor in rack. Focus on my antlers.

I thanked him for his presence and made my way to the stairway. I stepped on the first step and it quickly unwound itself to the top. Slowly I came into the physical space and opened my eyes, feeling the generations of Me around and within me, feeling grateful, full of joy and so very complete....

Later that night, I got out one of my favorite book, Animal Speak, to look up "antlers." This is what I discovered:

...antlers are solid bone, and they are shed every year. Antlers grow behind the eyes and are very protective. Each year until the age of five, the antlers grow bigger and with more points... Antlers are symbols of antennae, connections to higher forms of attunement. Deer with antlers thus can be a signal to pay attention to your inner thoughts and perceptions, as they are probably more accurate than you think.

The antlers are shed every year, and each year they grow back larger and with more points, for five years. If a deer has entered your life, look for new perceptions and degrees of perceptions to grow and expand for as much as the next five years. It can indicate that there will be opportunities to stimulate gentle new growth increasingly over the next few years.

The antlers grow behind the eyes, again hinting at the symbolism of heightened perception. When the antlers are shed, they are eaten by dear and rodents who gnaw on them to assimilate the calcium...

Reason to Fear

A few days ago, I wrote a post entitled A Life Without Fear wherein I blogged about what I would do if I had no fears. One of the "fears" read:

If I lived a life without fear... I would...Tell my Mom to stop talking to me about being in love with her love and actually do something about it. Then I would take my own advice.

The reason for this "fear" is coming clear now. See... as I mentioned in my post entitled Pet-Peeve-ish-ness, I shared this post regarding fear with my mother. I figured it was time to grow some balls, so I chose to not skip over the above "fear" regarding her. Damn. I am stupid. You would think 39 years of experience would teach me otherwise. And, actually, THAT is the problem. It has taught me.

I have learned that being honest with my mother most often lands me in the shitter. I have learned that for me to be honest, I have to walk on fucking eggshells with her. (Which I also wrote about in ummmmmmm... summer of 2006. Yeah... sorry, can't link you there. It was a Meditation, not a blog.) And, at any rate, I absolutely loathe the terminology "walking on eggshells" to start with and despise what it implies. Depending on which side you are on. If you are the shell, then it feels like someone has crushed you without any thought to your experience of the situation. If you are the person doing the walking, it implies that you are careless - or, more clearly, give a shit less - about another person's feelings. The entire situation of "eggshells" is just uncomfortable all the way around.

I have learned, after 39 years, that my mother is a great big eggshell. There are certain things you can never say or do around her. Ever. There are certain things you can say and do at certain times and it is perfectly okay. There are other times at which, if you do the same said things, you are likely to get your head blown off. Actually, no. There is no blowing off of heads. There is simply this venomous silence that eeks out of every pore until she is vibrating with it. She sits there, like a wall and does absolutely nothing, which is, in my opinion, more terrifying than if she had actually blown off my head.

Soooo... long story longer... I read the "fear" post to my mother. And, since then, I have been met with a wall. It is a so-not-subtle wall, at that. I keep calling her on it saying, "Mom, I am picking up on something that is in your mouth that you are not saying. Are you mad at me?" She responds with an icy, "If it is in my mouth and I am choosing to not let it out, then it probably is a good thing that it is not coming out."

Yeah. Whatever. Manipulation at the finest.

Last night, my aunt (her little sister) planned a spontaneous dinner for the three of us. We get to the restaurant to find that my aunt had already arrived. Her hair looked fabulous. I commented on it and felt my mother bristle beside me. I glanced at her and she wore that same facade of disgustedness she wears when my aunt compliments me. What's this??? No one can compliment anyone but her in her presence???? WTF!!!

Mom slid into the booth, sitting dead center so there was no room for either my aunt or me to join her. Fine. We sat together, she and I. Mom sat across from us evading every single question my aunt presented to her that even hinted at being anything personal. It was bizarre. Then my aunt turned to questions about my mother's love. The evasion got hostile at that point.

Finally, after an entire meal of this ridiculous behavior, I had had enough and I called her on it, "Mom! Your sister asked you a direct question. Answer her." See, Mom has this thing that whenever she is with her sister, it is all about her sister. Now I know why. Mom is difficult. She also has a story that no one asks her to do anything and, when someone does - like tonight - she gets bent out of shape because it is spontaneous.

Mom looked at me indirectly, in a most weird way that let me know I was getting the stink eye, but my aunt did not, and with this acidic tongue pronounced, "I refuse to talk about this because you don't want to hear me talk about this anymore."

I blew up. "Fuck! That is why..." and then I stopped. What did it matter?

My aunt, the whole time is saying, "What? What? I don't get what's going on. I don't understand what you two are talking about. Tell me."

Later, I explained the situation to my aunt. And the dinner became strangely quiet and uncomfortable from there on out. My mother sat there, never looking me in the face, avoiding direct conversations with me and, even on the drive back to her car, would not act like a grown up.

So, there is a reason to fear retribution from being honest with her. I feel angry about that. I have just decided that it is no longer a fear that is going to run my life. Fuck it.

A Life Without Fear?

My friend, JulieAnn did a post inspired by her friend, Sister Mary Lisa. I felt inspired to do the same...

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Take him up on his propositions without making up silly excuses that are only lies to cover the fact that I am fat and afraid that it will ultimately turn him off. I would meet him at that hotel room or fly with him to Vegas or take a ride up the mountain with him for the sole and carnal purpose of getting our rocks off. I would, of course, not worry about heartbreak because, in a world without fear, there is no such thing as heartbreak. And I would know that I was able to be there with him in that moment and that, when that moment was over, I would go on as I have before. Nothing changed.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Stop editing my books and declare them finished. I would self-publish the autobiography. I would query on the 'tween fiction series. I would own them for the magnificent piece of works that they are and release them into the world. I would step into world-class-renowned-author and I would celebrate that victory every day.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Recognize my beauty. The beauty that is right here, right now in all of this curvaceous, soft, rounded-ness. I would look in the mirror and see only beauty. I would walk down the street and know that I am beautiful and that the whistle I just heard was actually for me, not her, even though I tried to convince her - and me - that it was only for her.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Step out from behind the walls that have protected me for so long. I would open my arms and welcome in love. I would kiss and touch and be kissed and touched. I would hold and be held. I would snuggle under the blankets and feel the warmth of passion beside me... male or female.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Kiss that woman I have been longing to kiss for over a year now. I would actually discover what it feels like to touch another woman's breast in a heated moment of passion. I would feel her hands on my body. I would come alive under her touch. I would shiver with the intensity.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Paint more often. Maybe even in the nude.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Do something about my money situation. I would stop sabotaging myself so that money would actually flow into me and I would get out of survival mode.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Continue to speak my feelings, only I would do it without flinching or apologizing.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Fly to Italy and have a sordid affair with an over-handsome Italian man who speaks broken English with the lilting rhythm of his native tongue and in the throes of passion, in the middle of mind-blowing, earth-shattering, life-altering sex, as I am rising to my climax, he will speak to me of things I do not understand in the lyrical Italian language - music to my ears.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Check out of society and drive cross country on a Harley. I would visit all the back-woods towns. I would eat in diners that have the best apple pie around and I would sleep out under the stars. Alone.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Launch into my speaking career - the career I have been avoiding not because I fear speaking in front of crowds but because I fear I am not enough, not good enough, not important enough, not accomplished enough. Yeah... those fears would be gone.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Tell my father's wife to be nicer to my father. I would tell her to let him pick out his own clothes and stop biting his head off every time he turns around.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Tell my Mom to stop talking to me about being in love with her love and actually do something about it. Then I would take my own advice.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Tell my father that he raised me well in the LDS religion and that it is not a reflection on him that I am no longer a member of the Church and that I appreciate his seemingly genuine kindness when I blew his dreams out of the water that day when I told him I was no longer a member. I would be able to do this because there would be no fears that, by doing so, I would be giving him hope that I would one day return to the Fold because I know that I will not.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Actually do something about purchasing that four bedroom, two bath bungalow cottage with hardwood floors, white flowing curtains, herborium and healing space.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Eat healthier and develop healthier living habits. This would result in me losing weight. Which would be awesome because there would be no fear that someone would actually desire me because I was magically desirable now. Or worse... that there would still be no one that desired me... even at my smaller weight. Yeah... I could really do without those fears.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Really divorce my former husband. Yeah, yeah. We are legally divorced and he is remarried. We are still, however, very intertwined. In a life without fear, I would not need that intertwine-ment.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Own the fact that I am a fanfuckingtastic healer and get my ass in gear, build my business and touch the lives of people that are waiting to be touched.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Dance every spare moment I've got. I would do it naked, even, and relish the feeling of my body parts swaying with the movements.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Forgive and forget. He married someone else. It was his choice. It is time to move on, already. Yep. I would forgive and forget. And, no, this is not my former husband of which I speak. This is someone even more devastatingly important to me. And... in a life without fear, I would be over this by now.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Be financially abundant, optimistic, co-creative, fulfilled, successful, joyful, artistic and complete. And, of course, I would laugh often.

And, apparently, my life is more full of fear than I previously cared to admit. I feel sad that I am holding myself back from my Self through this veil of fears. When I finished writing all this, I read through it and felt more and more oppressed. My shoulders hunched over and I couldn't breathe. I have such a tight grip on myself, because of fear, that I am strangling my self. And, in the face of these fears, I go forward day in and day out. The fears sit there and 24 hours tick by and well... they are still there.

Okay... I am thinking I was supposed to feel uplifted and inspired by this.

At this moment, that is so not my experience.

Oh... hello anger... imagine meeting you here...

Crisp and Sliding

The air is crisp this morning and I like that. I walked out of my place with shower-fresh-wet hair, wearing flip flops, capris and a tank top. I actually paused when the cooler air hit my skin, fully waking me up to the beauty outside.





I am appreciating the puddles of water gathered on my sidewalk that have yet to evaporate, unlike three months of mornings. I like looking in them and pretending their reflective surfaces hide a magic doorway to a fairy kingdom and if I walk quietly and approach at just the right angle, I will slide right in and become their Queen.