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Thank you for your interest and support. What an adventure this is!!!

PRESS RELEASE!

PRESS RELEASE November 06, 2010

For Immediate Release Contact: Angie Millgate Moments of Awakening angiekmillgate@hotmail.com

Above the Clouds A Courageous Journey of Hope, Love and Revelation

SALT LAKE CITY, UT - November 6, 2010 - Announcing the release of Above the Clouds - A Courageous Journey of Hope, Love and Revelation by Angie K. Millgate This book is the first in a series about healing and rediscovering wholeness in a life once fractured seemingly beyond repair. This creative non-fiction work provides a candid look into the author's life with explicit detail and gut-wrenching honesty. Publication Date: Oct 22 2010 ISBN/EAN13: 1452803889 / 9781452803883 Page Count: 276 Related Categories: Body, Mind & Spirit / Inspiration & Personal Growth Website: abovetheclouds.webstarts.com Purchase: https://www.createspace.com/3446382 Above the Clouds A Courageous Journey of Hope, Love and Revelation Authored by Angie K. Millgate Cover design or artwork by Angie K. Millgate Above the Clouds - A Journey of Courage, Hope and Revelation is an autobiographical account of growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, landing in a marriage riddled with domestic violence and the author's gut-wrenching journey to leave both worlds. With humor, explicit detail and blunt honesty, she provides intimate details regarding her sexual awakening, the terror of living with domestic violence and the race to survive. She also addresses her sheltered life as a Mormon, her eventual departure from that religion and the undeniable power of the human spirit. For the first three decades of her life, the author searched for love and truth in all the wrong places - everywhere but within - leaving her continually dissatisfied and, eventually, horribly abused. She had no idea what self-love meant because she believed love happened from outside her. She had no idea what true emotion was and she had no idea how to live unless there was someone there telling her who she was, what she liked and which way she should go and when. After an experience of domestic violence that nearly resulted in her death, which is shared in Above the Clouds with terrifying clarity, she decided it was time to know herself. Her first step was to take responsibility for her life, realizing she needed to stop blaming everyone for where she was. She also realized her relationship with herself greatly influenced her relationship with others. By taking small, certain steps, the progress was slow but has become longstanding. Above the Clouds offers ideas on how to go about creating change for a healthier, safer life, while discovering and embracing who you are at the core. Anyone, if they are willing to look at themselves, can experience the same healing, safety and audacity in their life.

About the author: Angie K. Millgate has a dream of bettering this world one person at a time, starting with herself and then, branching outward. She has been a single mother since 1998 and her daughter is one of the biggest joys in her life. When her daughter was born in 1997, Angie knew her life would change drastically. Being a mother has been a huge blessing, but being a single mother is the hardest thing she has ever done. The world is not kind to those who are alone and that is the reason her intention is to hold space for wholeness for everyone in this world - no matter race, religion, sexual preference or marital status. "It seems that humanity has forgotten its humanity," Angie says, "And how to treat one another with love and kindness. I pray that I will be able to do that for those who cross my path. I want to live a life well-lived. And I hope that, when I am gone, I will leave a Legacy of Love for everyone." Above the Clouds - A Courageous Journey of Hope, Love and Revelation is Angie's first published book. Since 2002, she has published a free weekly Meditation that goes out via email around the world and has touched the hearts of thousands. She is a teacher, photographer, artist, speaker and a gifted Reiki Master Teacher and Wholeness Coach whose presence holds space for others wherein they can find their lost parts. Angie helps people Remember themselves. Every endeavor she undertakes is imbued with her passion for life and the essence of Love. For more information about her life, you can visit her website at angiekmillgate.webstarts.com

Above the Clouds

My book, Above the Clouds - A Courageous Journey of Hope, Love and Revelation is

NOW AVAILABLE IN PRINT!

WOW! This is a dream come true and has been such a journey. I'd love for you to share in my adventure and you can do so by following this link: https://www.createspace.com/3446382

After you've read the book, drop me an email with your feedback, questions and emotions.

YAY! AND THERE IS MUCH REJOICING!!!

Whole New Look

As you can see, it has been a productive weekend. I've created a whole new look for my blog here and have gone back to the "Phoenix Touch" name. As I step more fully into my calling here on Earth, it feels appropriate to completely embrace that title and to live in the power of my Phoenix. I'm excited about the path that is ahead of me! While I have no idea what is next, I feel peaceful and rejuvenated in each moment.

I've also created a new website for my book Above the Clouds. Take a look and let me know what you think: Above the Clouds.

Thanks, by the way, for dropping by and visiting me every so often. Your presence here is noticed.

Life IS good!

Appreciation for 04/24/10

*It's a beautiful day here in my world. *Had dinner last night with a group of people, most of whom I haven't seen in almost eight months and definitely not all together socializing in the same place and several of them have purposefully chosen out of my life so it was an interesting experience. I lived. LOL *Watched a couple episodes of Parenthood last night on hulu.com with my daughter and laughed a lot together. I love hulu.com for catching up on television. Not so much for movies, but television's great. *A day ahead of rehearsals and performances. YAY! *The editing of my book proof is coming along smashingly. I've edited that book for 3-4 years prior to sending it to be published so I'm not finding any grammatical or spelling errors. However, it's amazing how different information reads when in book form. Now I'm just changing it for logistics and pretty-ness. *My former husband asked me to change his name in the book to his REAL name. It feels more authentic to me now. Readers would have had no clue, but my story is that it will feel more authentic to them because it feels more authentic to me. *One of the other character's picked their own name for the book so that one I can identify with as well and I think it makes a huge difference. ~ I am appreciating my abundant life.
Grace in Small Things

Appreciation for 04/20/10

*I GOT MY PROOF!!!!!!!!!! I GOT MY PROOF!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT MY PROOF!!!!!!!!!!! The first proof for my book arrived yesterday!!!! Ohmygosh! My book is in print!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooooohoooooooooooooooo! *It was an amazing day yesterday... beautiful spring day and lots of beautiful people in my life. *I have a day ahead with 5-6 year olds and we're going on a field trip to the Discovery Center at the Gateway. It should be really fun. *The Annie Jr. musical production is coming along masterfully. I'm so proud of those kids. *Taking showers that are the temperature and length I desire. *Modern technology is cooooool. *Oh... and... did I mention? MY BOOK IS IN PRINT!!!!!!! ~ Life IS good!

Grace in Small Things

Appreciation for 04/17/10

*We are almost a third of the way through 2010! I just realized that. And I'm appreciating what an amazing year it has been! LOTS of new beginnings! *Getting to be at the What a Woman Wants show today will be an incredibly busy experience. 8 hours ahead of lots of women, lots of babies, lots of noise and lots of connections. So excited! *I'll register for college courses on Monday and feel kerfuffled because my life has gotten SO busy since I decided to go back to school. I'm wondering how I will pull it all off!!! *Feeling purposeful, guided and humble all at once. *Ordered my first proof of my book (Above the Clouds)IN PRINT and received notification that it had been shipped on the 14th so I should receive it really soon. Soooooooooooooooo excited to actually hold it in my hands! *Being inspired for the title and content of the next book and feeling the excitement building to start writing a specific project again. *Blessed to have met some really cool people over the last month and to feel my life divinely moving forward. *Trusting when I didn't believe I could anymore. ~ I feel so blessed.

Grace in Small Things

Above the Clouds

“Repression and naïveté is a dangerous combination.”

This is the story of my journey out of religion, away from domestic violence and into being alive.
To purchase, visit

Earth Friendly Publishing...

Above the Clouds – A Journey of Courage, Hope and Revelation is a creative non-fiction work focused on the author’s experience of growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, landing in a marriage riddled with domestic violence and her gut-wrenching journey to leave both worlds. With humor, explicit detail and heart-wrenching honesty, the author presents intimate details of her sheltered life as a Mormon and her eventual departure from that religion, her awakening to sexuality, the terror of living with domestic violence and the race to survive, as well as the loneliness of obesity and the undeniable power of the human spirit.

The author had spent her life on an endless search for love and truth from sources outside of her. She was raised in a religion which taught all answers came from a God who was, seemingly, quite rigid. Continually dissatisfied and, eventually, horribly abused, she sought answers and sanctuary everywhere but where she would find them – within. She had no idea what self-love meant, for she believed love was something generated outside of her. She had no idea what true emotion was, because that was also something that happened to her. She had no idea how to live unless there was someone there telling her who she was, what she liked, which way she should go and when.

Without a stable foundation of self-knowing, it is easy to blame life, religion and childhood for the disaster areas of your life. It’s common to blame others for not giving you enough love or treating you with the respect you rightly deserve. It becomes a never-ending pattern of seeking for something outside of you to fill that which is missing inside. This destructive pattern allows for waves of abuse/peace/abuse until you uncover new information, or learn from someone who has experienced something similar so you are able to effectively change your course.

After an event with her former husband that nearly resulted in her death, which is shared in Above the Clouds with terrifying clarity, she took a hold of herself and decided it was time to know for herself who she truly was. It was time to understand what love and honesty meant. She began to realize her relationship with God – and her own self – had nothing to do with the religion that seemed to be hindering her progress. While realizing her journey was different from that of her family and friends, she also knew that what she had been taught to be true all of her life suddenly didn’t make sense. After staring into the faces of Satan and God at separate times, she knew she was meant for greatness and would never find it wallowing in the mess that had become her life.

Her first step to recovery was to take responsibility for her life. There came a point where she needed to stop blaming anyone and everyone else for where she was and get busy living. She also realized her relationship with herself greatly influenced her relationship with others. By taking small, certain steps, the progress was slow but has become longstanding.

Above the Clouds offers ideas on how to go about creating change for a healthier, safer life, while discovering and embracing who you are at the core. Anyone, if they are willing to look at themselves, can experience the same healing, safety and audacity in their life. If they so choose, they too can pull themselves out of repression and violence and into truth and love. As the author writes in the opening, may this book touch your heart for the higher good.

What others are saying:

“...I am intrigued by the fact that a Mormon upbringing can produce so many similarities in total strangers. I grew up in Holladay and yet it appears that so many of our beliefs about life and love etc. are mirrored. I feel afraid about that fact, and I am wondering how different life could be for young women in this valley if some of these myths were blown wide open. I am imagining that your book is an avenue to do just that. I really appreciate your writing style.” -Heather Seals, owner Fawn, Salt Lake City, Utah

“Thank you. You have entertained me. You have ebbed and flowed a passage of time, on paper. You made me cry, laugh, and feel your emotion, positive and negative. Your book has caused me to think - for at least the moment - that maybe I can leave a footprint, or a handprint, in the sand where thousands have trod before, in the same direction to create a stronger path of where I need to be, instead of fighting that path. [You have] the ability to make me look at myself - not that you're trying to - and make me more self-aware. Not in a vain way, just more aware. Your story... is about being aware. YOU are a life force to be encountered, and how "blessed be" the rest of us who do.” -Roy West, Toronto, Canada

"As I read Above the Clouds, I realize that Angie is not telling her own story. She is brilliantly and courageously telling the story that so desperately needs to be told, the story that lies deep inside so many women." -Rev. Annie Benjamin, Minister, Healer, Author To Know Me is to Love Me

“You are an incredibly gifted writer. Wow!” -Tiffany Berg, Mrs. Utah, United States 2007, author How Tough Moms Succeed In Tough Times

"This well-written autobiography presents very personal topics in a compelling way. Angie is a natural writer whose excellence shines through, creating a work you can read in one day." - Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. http://www.hendricks.com/ Author of Five Wishes; Co-Author (with Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks) of Conscious Loving

Appreciation #162/365

*YES! My book, Above the Clouds ~ A Courageous Journey of Hope, Love and Revelation is available to purchase through Earth Friendly Publishing at www.earthfriendlypublishing.com/Above-the-Clouds.html. *A totally relaxing day. *Making a roast and vegetables that tasted just like mom's! *The sounds of autumn. *People across the nation curious about and purchasing my book! SO COOL!!! *Internet marketing. Makes it so fun and simple! *Good friends. *Being a mother. *My beautiful daughter. -Feeling in love with me!

Grace in Small Things

Appreciation #156/365

*MY BOOK HAS BEEN PUBLISHED!!!! To find more information about "Above the Clouds" visit: Earth Friendly Publishing. *Restful sleep. *A new day ahead... what magic will it bring? *My beautiful daughter. *Falling in love. Over and over again. With me! *The scents of autumn. *The sights of autumn. *The sounds of autumn. -Feeling SO grateful to BE ALIVE!

Grace in Small Things

Above the Clouds

My book is available for purchase now.

For more information, go here: www.earthfriendlypublishing.com/Above-the-Clouds.html

Above the Clouds

“Repression and naïveté is a dangerous combination.” This is the story of my journey out of religion, away from domestic violence and into being alive.

Above the Clouds – A Journey of Courage, Hope and Revelation is a creative non-fiction work focused on the author’s experience of growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, landing in a marriage riddled with domestic violence and her gut-wrenching journey to leave both worlds. With humor, explicit detail and heart-wrenching honesty, the author presents intimate details of her sheltered life as a Mormon and her eventual departure from that religion, her awakening to sexuality, the terror of living with domestic violence and the race to survive, as well as the loneliness of obesity and the undeniable power of the human spirit.

The author had spent her life on an endless search for love and truth from sources outside of her. She was raised in a religion which taught all answers came from a God who was, seemingly, quite rigid. Continually dissatisfied and, eventually, horribly abused, she sought answers and sanctuary everywhere but where she would find them – within. She had no idea what self-love meant, for she believed love was something generated outside of her. She had no idea what true emotion was, because that was also something that happened to her. She had no idea how to live unless there was someone there telling her who she was, what she liked, which way she should go and when.

After an event with her former husband that nearly resulted in her death, which is shared in Above the Clouds with terrifying clarity, she took a hold of herself and decided it was time to know for herself who she truly was. It was time to understand what love and honesty meant. She began to realize her relationship with God – and her own self – had nothing to do with the religion that seemed to be hindering her progress. While realizing her journey was different from that of her family and friends, she also knew that what she had been taught to be true all of her life suddenly didn’t make sense. After staring into the faces of Satan and God at separate times, she knew she was meant for greatness and would never find it wallowing in the mess that had become her life.

Her first step to recovery was to take responsibility for her life. There came a point where she needed to stop blaming anyone and everyone else for where she was and get busy living. She also realized her relationship with herself greatly influenced her relationship with others. By taking small, certain steps, the progress was slow but has become longstanding.

Without a stable foundation of self-knowing, it is easy to blame life, religion and childhood for the disaster areas of your life. It’s common to blame others for not giving you enough love or treating you with the respect you rightly deserve. It becomes a never-ending pattern of seeking for something outside of you to fill that which is missing inside. This destructive pattern allows for waves of abuse/peace/abuse until you uncover new information, or learn from someone who has experienced something similar so you are able to effectively change your course. Above the Clouds offers ideas on how to go about creating change for a healthier, safer life, while discovering and embracing who you are at the core.

This book states that anyone, if they are willing to look at themselves, can experience the same healing, safety and audacity in their life. If they so choose, they too can pull themselves out of repression and violence and into truth and love. As the author writes in the opening, may this book touch your heart for the higher good.

What others are saying:

“...I am intrigued by the fact that a Mormon upbringing can produce so many similarities in total strangers. I grew up in Holladay and yet it appears that so many of our beliefs about life and love etc. are mirrored. I feel afraid about that fact, and I am wondering how different life could be for young women in this valley if some of these myths were blown wide open. I am imagining that your book is an avenue to do just that. I really appreciate your writing style.” -Heather Seals, owner Fawn, Salt Lake City, Utah

“Thank you. You have entertained me. You have ebbed and flowed a passage of time, on paper. You made me cry, laugh, and feel your emotion, positive and negative. Your book has caused me to think - for at least the moment - that maybe I can leave a footprint, or a handprint, in the sand where thousands have trod before, in the same direction to create a stronger path of where I need to be, instead of fighting that path.
[You have] the ability to make me look at myself - not that you're trying to - and make me more self-aware. Not in a vain way, just more aware. Your story... is about being aware. YOU are a life force to be encountered, and how "blessed be" the rest of us who do.” -Roy West, Toronto, Canada

"As I read Above the Clouds, I realize that Angie is not telling her own story. She is brilliantly and courageously telling the story that so desperately needs to be told, the story that lies deep inside so many women." -Rev. Annie Benjamin, Minister, Healer, Author To Know Me is to Love Me

“You are an incredibly gifted writer. Wow!” -Tiffany Berg, Mrs. Utah, United States 2007, author How Tough Moms Succeed In Tough Times

"This well-written autobiography presents very personal topics in a compelling way. Angie is a natural writer whose excellence shines through, creating a work you can read in one day." - Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. www.hendricks.com Author of Five Wishes; Co-Author (with Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks) of Conscious Loving

Ready! Set!! GO!!!

Just received notification that my book, Above the Clouds, will be e-published and available for purchase on October 16th. As soon as I have the link I'll post!!! YAY!!!

Yes!

I'm still reveling in my completion!

I am jumping up and down.

I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!

I am still having difficulty believing that my baby is out there now. She's there to be welcomed or rejected at will.

I am just... wow... wow!

YAY ME!

I feel like poo. And, despite that, while I have been home sick this entire week, I have taken a bit of time to put the finishing touches on my book proposal. In between the cough spasms and the need to sleep, I got it all done and submitted. I feel excited about this. I feel especially proud that, after so many years, it is finally complete.

I feel excited!

ew... and sick... damn stuppy nodes

Longing

I dreamt last night of my life-long, best friend who died at about this time three years ago. I awoke with my heart aching to hear his voice, my eyes weeping and a loneliness so intense. I miss him...

Excerpt from my upcoming book, Above the Clouds...

~~~

“Pleased to meet you, Angie,” he said, still grinning. “I’m Tommy. We went to the same school in fifth grade. You were in Mr. Peterson’s class, but I was in the other fifth grade class.”

My jaw dropped to the ground and he chuckled at my reaction.

“Tommy?!” I quickly took in his appearance once again, even more startled by his good looks now that I knew who he was. “Oh my gosh! Wow!”

Not the most flattering words, I know, but what could I say? I was at a loss and completely breathless. All he could do was laugh.

“I have waited for this moment,” he said, still holding my hand, “the moment when we would meet again. I have kept track of you since you moved away and I saw you every now and then, but never approached you.”

I stared at him, speechless, until he continued. “So, now, here we are. And, Angie, I have to tell you ‘thank you’.”

“For what?” Besides being speechless, breathless and light‑headed, now I was curious. It was a delirious feeling.

“Thank you because you were the only one who was nice to me. You were the only one who never said mean things to me. You were the only one who made me feel like I was worth anything. Even though we never talked, you smiled. It made all the difference in my life. Because of you, I have been able to become the person I am today. And, I have loved you from the first time you did smile at me. So thank you.”

How do I respond to a person who has just changed my entire outlook on life? How do I explain my feelings after being told that I have had such an impact on a single person’s life without ever knowing it?

The tears in my eyes blurred my vision. I loved him at that moment, as strongly as I hurt for him when we were younger. From that moment, we became fast best friends and shared a unique love that no one could ever touch. We stuck together through everything and were always there to lift each other up, give a hug when needed, wipe away the tears, and laugh...a lot.

Body Understanding

"Do you listen to your body?"

I stared up at my Reiki Master Teacher from my curled-up position on the futon across the room from her during this morning's session. It was the first question out of her mouth after she closed the door, sealing us in the sacred, safe space for my session.

"I have no idea."

"Do you trust your body?" She asked, looking at me pointedly and giving me the once-over with her all-seeing vision. Instantly, I felt fear and safety concurrently.

"I have no idea."

"Have you asked your body what this morning's violent sickness was about?"

"I blogged about it," I said weakly.

"That isn't your body." She declared. "That is your head. You are letting your head - your ego - run the show. Your body knows the answers. All you have to do is ask and listen."

I wanted to lay down in that very moment and was grateful for her infinite wisdom when she said, I imagine cluing in on my energy body which was very clearly stating there ain't much in here right now, I need rest, "Ang, I'm going to have you get on the table. We aren't going to do any heavy work this morning, no talking, no processing, no thinking, no stories. We are just going to get you on that table and bypass your head. I want to dialogue with your body. Come on. Get up here."

I slunk toward the table, feeling young and small and scared. The table seemed ten feet tall and I felt unsure that I would be able to sling my leg high enough to land safely atop its surface. I did, though and was grateful when she lovingly placed the warm blanket over me. I was suddenly very, very cold. She lined my abdomen with crystals and talked to me in soothing whispers for, what could have been, years. I remember very little of the words she spoke, which is just as it should be. This dialogue was not meant for my head, but for my body.

And when I opened my eyes, she said reassuringly, "Angie, this is the last piece. This is the physical piece that we have been working toward for all this time. You are there, baby. It is time."

I shivered at her words: it is time. She had no idea what that meant to me...

(excerpt from my upcoming book Above the Clouds)

***

I vomited uncontrollably until the police officers arrived ten minutes later to take down my report so that they could press charges and book Marcus if they ever found him. The criminal mind, however, is a brilliant machine. It can almost always outmaneuver the law. And, Marcus’s cunning was on his side that night. He disappeared into the night, without a trace, even calling me once to taunt that he was on his way to Mexico with our child, “You know I can do it because Mariana’s brothers have connections to the Mexican Underground. You will never see us again!”

I was defeated. And terrified. I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling with dry sobs wracking me to the bottom of my soul. Six hours later, when he was sure all signs of police were gone, Marcus returned. He stood on the doorstep, holding my beautiful baby angel in his arms as if they had been out shopping for Christmas presents.

She laughed, reached for me and said, “Momma!” And my world exploded around me at the sight of her. I was so exhausted and drained and lonely and alone and lost.

I settled her beside me in the bed, feeling the reassuring warmth of her gentle breath. She sighed once, smiled into my eyes and drifted off into peaceful oblivion. Tears streamed down my face as I stared into the inky darkness of my bedroom. The emotional toll of that night’s events had taken the last of my reserves. In my heart, there was only devastation. So many broken dreams and squandered hopes.

What in the hell am I going to do?!

I sobbed silently; aching for all that was so not right in my marriage. I cried out to God in a choked whisper, “God, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if You are there, or if you are listening. I am so alone. I am so afraid. I am so very lonely.”

I cried until there were no more tears and then my body dry-heaved emotions without moisture. Over and over, I silently cried out to God, never really believing that He would answer my prayer and, if He did, that I would actually hear His answer.

Finally, as the first signs of morning pink graced the eastern horizon, I drifted off to sleep and in the quiet stillness of the room, I heard His voice, “Angie, I know you. I hear you. It is time.”

Excited...

I am doing the final edits of my book Above the Clouds and I am feeling really excited to be coming down the home stretch. I am confident about this book, although I haven't always been. I have been scared because it is a creative non-fiction autobiography so I have been wound up in this story that it is "me" that I am putting out there to be rejected or accepted. And, really, it is my story, so why would it benefit anyone?

I finally, recently, realized that what I have to say - and the way I have to say it - is beautiful and there is someone out there that needs my words. I feel good that I have eased myself into this realization. And I am excited to get it out there. Soon I will be posting some excerpts and it will go up online as a presale option. Watch for it, if ya would! :)

Leaving...

I am leaving and it is reminding me of a previous time when I left. In light of that, I feel inspired to post an excerpt from my upcoming book, Above the Clouds...

****

I tried, really, I did! I tried to be good. I tried to be everything “they” thought I was supposed to be. I made sure I sat in church every Sunday – even after moving to Salt Lake, away from the pressure of the religious standards set by my father. I was there, with my beautiful baby, every Sunday, sitting alone with just her. No one talked to me. And why would they? In a church [the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints] that preaches Families are Forever, where did a recently divorced mother of one daughter fit in....

I no longer fit within the confines of that religion. When I was younger, I had been able to fake it well enough so that I did fit in, but I couldn’t fake it anymore. I felt as though I stood out like a glowing neon beer sign mistakenly hung over the sacrament table.

I kept at it, though... I was bound and determined to get back in to God’s good graces. I straddled the fence for a long time. One foot in the safety zone – The Church. One foot on The Other Side. I was afraid to let go of all that I had known because it was all that I had known. But, no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t feel right anymore. It wasn’t me.

I began to stretch and question and that was frowned upon in The Church. I had once been told that whatever I was seeking, I would find the documentation to back it up. Whether I was looking to support or refute The Church, I would find what I was looking for. Therefore, it was an unwritten – and spoken only under everyone’s breath and from behind their hands – that, if I did have any questions I wasn’t supposed to go looking.

One of the most often quoted scriptures within the Church states, “Now I ask, is this faith? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it.... And now as I said concerning faith – faith is not to have a knowledge of things; therefore, if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” (Alma 32: 18, 21)

So, you see, I was simply supposed to have faith. Blind faith. There was to be no questioning. No knowing. Only faith. Plain, simple faith. And any question that could not be clearly or logically answered through the scriptures, those were the questions I really needed to have faith about....

Then I had a memory. I had once heard in a childhood Sunday School class that, in the end, those who were straddling the fence would be judged the most harshly. That memory was the deciding factor. It was time that I made a decision for myself. It was time that I took a stand for who I am, what I believe and why I am here. It was time that I put my faith in God, instead of religion, and find Him. It was time that I find the answers for myself, on my own. So, I took my foot out of the safety zone and set it firmly on The Other Side....

****

I shared that excerpt because I am, yet again, in another place of "leaving." For several years, I have been involved with a community wherein I have discovered a lot about myself, who I am and who I want to be. This community has given me many forward-thinking philosophies and tools for interrelating and communication. I feel blessed to have been a part of this group.

Now, however, I am standing on that same precipice... straddling the fence of what was and what will be. I no longer fit in this community and find that I must, again, strike out on my own. I am scared that my life may be a continual string of "striking out on my own." I fear that I will be alone for the rest of my journey... that there is no community in which I fit... that there is no partner brave enough, strong enough, compassionate enough to stand beside me... that I will be an outcast forever...

Looking back, I realize that I survived when I took both of my feet out of religion. More than surviving, I have lived. I am proud of who I have become. And I remind myself that I am only who I am because I made that decision. This decision too will have it's consequences and rewards.

Have faith, Angie... because you do know.

*sigh*

Confessions of the Fat Girl #2

Below, I am posting an excerpt from my soon-to-be-released creative non-fiction work entitled Above the Clouds. In this book, one of the topics I address is my almost-twenty-year battle with weight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I actually looked at myself and felt myself in my body eight years ago, I was ashamed. How could I have let myself go so far? Being almost two hundred pounds, yet standing only five feet tall, was deadly. I know that it was a form of protection but, come on! I was actually killing myself.

I stepped off the scale that day and measured myself, knowing that I see my success in inches before pounds. I was terrified as I draped that measuring tape around my ponderous form. The numbers were astonishing. My arms were half again as big as they had been while I was in high school. One thigh was three inches bigger than my waist had been back then. My chest was twenty-two inches bigger. I began to cry.

Once I hit puberty, I developed what I call my “Baby Pouch” – a small bulge just below my waist. In high school, that pouch was one and a half inches bigger than my waist, measuring in at twenty-six inches. That day, my pouch was double that. I stared at the numbers, not believing what I was seeing.

Tears coursed down my cheeks as I remembered the unending struggle to be thin at sixteen. I remembered beating myself up for having to wear Levi Strauss 501’s in size 26 when all my friends were wearing 24’s. I remembered pressing my hand against my pouch, cursing it, hating it and wishing it away, all the while insulting myself with the words, “I am so fat.”

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