Double Rainbows

"Today is a beautiful day. I go forward with an open heart into the expanse of universal abundance and welcome the flow of love and joy."

That was my Facebook status quote as I left my house for the day earlier this morning. I had no idea, really, what was in store then and could have never orchestrated the magic that was to follow.

It started when my mentor with whom I was doing professional trade today texted and said she NEEDED a latte and would be a few minutes late to her house where our appointment would be. "Good! I'll slow down then," I replied, laughing. I showed up at her house about 10 minutes later to find her car in the driveway. I knocked on her door. Long pause while I listened to the bees and the birds busily working away on this beautifully clear and hot day. The door opened and... before me stood a stranger whom I felt I should know but didn't recognize. Her face mirrored my feeling of disorientation. I had no idea Megan had gotten a new roommate. I've been out of the loop for a long time.

Julie invited me in. We sat down in the living room and began to get acquainted. As she talked, revealing her story to me as I asked leading questions, I realized why Megan was so late. I needed to get to know Julie. WOW!

Then Megan returned home and we chatted for another half hour, the three of us. When our "session" time officially started, it was noon - an hour passed our planned starting time. We went out onto the porch to start my session while sitting in the porch swing, gently rocking, laughing and processing. Behind us, a Robin Redbreast noisily thrashed through the ivy with a juicy fat worm dangling from her mouth. We watched her feed an equally fat bird of another breed, feeling surprised that the meal was not for her babies and Megan said, "Maybe they're mates."

All around us, the world was alive with life and creative energy. The fruit trees were heavy-laden with an eventual harvest. The flowering bushes were vibrant and the grass was lush. I shared with her that I feel so ready to step into who I am, while at the same time feeling scared to do so. The scared part of me is running the show and, especially, running my money. As I spoke, one of the lines that I said was, "The money must stop." I was floored by the indications as we explored what would happen if I owned that I felt that way... what would happen if the money did stop... what would my experience be?

My life has been a series of lessons to gain, I believe, an understanding of love and a complete compassion for humanity. Most of my lessons have been painful to an unbelievable degree. I've learned by living it and I realized in that moment as I sat there swaying with her that I'm ready to live compassionately for all of humanity - even the homeless - without actually fully experiencing that life.

I've been homeless and destitute in many ways. I'm actually, technically, homeless and destitute now - no place of my own, no belongings and no income. And in that awareness came the dawning knowledge that this state of destitute homelessness is the greatest disguise to hide behind. It is a cloak of invisibility. Homeless people are very difficult to locate because they have no address. I'm trying to hide. Enough.

I also uncovered my belief of struggle for all things financial. That I'm running my generational belief pattern that life must be hard and money must be scarce. I also revealed that I strongly feel my entire generation has worked itself into a financial hole from which it is going to be so difficult to recover and something has really got to change. I'm ready.

As we walked through the unwinding, unprogramming and reprogramming process, I felt my engines revving and my energy building. I had heat waves and energy coursing through me as I grew and expanded. The last thing I said in the process was, "I accept and love that I am now ready and willing to break the rules in outrageous and new ways," which set into motion the final unwinding of my belief that I had to be good and follow all the rules all the time and that, if I'm going to "be bad" and "break the rules" (read: follow my curiosity) then I needed to do it behind closed doors, in the dark and where no one could see me.

I released my belief that succeeding and having financial abundance was "bad". I released my beliefs that I had to hide to "be bad" and I released myself from carrying any further the load of my generational beliefs of struggle. I released myself from poverty. I released myself from homelessness. I released myself from invisibility. And I claimed my power.

And then... the HUGEST bumblebee came out of nowhere and flew straight toward me, its energy and intention hitting me squarely in the heart chakra like an arrow. It hovered for a few moments 12 inches in front of me. Just long enough for me to be absolutely certain that it was there then it buzzed off and disappeared.

Bumblees are not meant to fly. Science cannot explain why they do. Their wings are too small for the size of their body. The body is too big and not aerodynamic enough to fly. And, yet, they fly.

None of that escaped me in that moment.

From there I travelled to a friend's house for dinner and a movie. Several people whom I love dearly were also there and the room abounded with love and appreciation. We watched Invictus and in that movie, I heard a quote from Nelson Mandela that sprung me the rest of the way open into full transformation: "If I cannot change when circumstances demand it, how can I expect it of others?"

Love and joy, gratitude and abundance, flow and peace surrounded me today in such massive amounts, there was no way I could ignore it. And I created this!

The drive home brought another awareness and shift in my openness when I looked at a picture I'd recieved of my daughter and her stepmom. It was a joyful, loving picture and the last remaining vestiges of struggle with what WAS released and I soared on wings of freedom from bondage. As I got ready to turn in for the night, I spoke with my mom while feeling so full of love and gratitude. I was overflowing... I had no hope for stopping the tears. Such love! Such joy! Such fullness!

And then, there in the middle of all that joy and love and fullness, the heavens roared and flashed, the skies opened up, the rain fell and a double rainbow danced across the sky - at first crossed at the lower part, something I've never seen before. There, at the end of my magical day was that beautiful reminder that He will never forsake me.

Life IS good!

Spring Fever

I've been inside the house since, pretty much, Sunday evening. I ventured out on Monday, for about three painful, disasterous hours at work. Other than that, I've been holed up inside these four walls.

Today, the outside called to me. Dressed in my jammies and my big, green fluffy bathrobe, I slopped myself outside onto the porch to soak up some vitamin D. We live near the private airport. The air was filled with the sound of bi-planes, singing and sailing through the air. The wind tossled the crisp dry leaves and sent them skittering and jumping down the street. The sunshine felt delicious on my face. And the still-cool-crisp air made my eyes water. I loved the sounds floating on the wind of neighbor's chimes and the laughter from the school playground.

While it did not heal me, it did raise my spirits.

And seeing the tight buds on the trees and the green midgets of daffodils poking up through the wood chips and the mounds of dirt brought me lots of hope.

Sparkling...

It snowed really hard a few days ago and, as I was driving into my office to meet a client, I noticed that the snow on the side of the road is no longer sparkling. It's more gray-brown than anything and looks really beat up. I imagined though, as I passed the piles in a blur of grayness, if I were to take the time to lift that top layer, I would find snow that was still sparkling and pristinely white.

I realized that people are like that too. That, sometimes, life just gets heavy and dark and we tend to wear it on our faces. I know that I have had that haunted, exhausted, life-just-isn't-going-too-well-right-now look on my face often - more often than I care to really look at. I know that, in those moments, I have felt every single teeny-tiny movement of my body as being excrutiatingly huge and laborious.

It is during those times that I forget what life is truly about. I forget that life can be easeful. I forget that life can be magical. I forget that life, my life, is a gift... a big, beautiful, creative gift. And I get weighed down by the outer, crusty layer that is taking on all the crap floating around me in my universe. Sometimes, I get so bogged down by it all that I forget that I can choose to shake it off, lift that crusty layer and breathe.

I am grateful to be breathing today. Great big, easeful breaths. And I am grateful that, today, I have shaken off the schmultz and I am sparkling.

Leaking

The skies are leaking today... a profuse outpouring of cleansing moisture which cools the air and washes away the sins of humanity. I sense Mother Earth drinking in the refreshment with a sigh, grateful for the respite from the punishing, unfiltered heat. I am drinking it in too, loving the sounds and the smells of the clear, clean water. I am loving the sound of it running through the gutters, off the roof and along the street. I am loving the ploppity-plop sound of the drops slamming into the ever-growing puddles in the back lot, causing a frothy, soapy residue to rise to the surface. I feel renewed and rejuvenated. I love the rain.

Refresh

The smell of wet cement drifts on the air to where I sit. I love spring-clean rainstorms that cool the air and dapple the sidewalk with splatters. Everywhere in the road, in the gutters, on the grass and sprinkled along the sidewalk are the crisply-dried petals from the blossoming trees which dance and skitter in the breeze. The tinkling, tickling, tapping sounds like millions of faeries running about with carefree glee. Jazz is on the radio, the breeze through the open office door rifles through the papers and brings the scent of life and love to where I sit.

Once again, I am reminded of how blessed I am to be alive. I feel grateful for this moment...

And the Rain Comes Down

The skies are so black today and the atmosphere feels onimous... omminous... what the hell is the word?!?! The atmosphere feels OM-I-NOUS (portending evil or harm; foreboding; threatening; inauspicious: an ominous bank of dark clouds.) Yes. That's it. It feels ominous. (Okay... that just looks wrong. Still.)

The brain fart totally took away from the scene set-up there. So... well, it's raining. Ta-da. Much more boring than I had wanted this post to be.

And, with that, I am going to stop because I am having difficulty stringing words together this morning. For a writer, that is a bad sign. Perhaps I have had too much coffee and chocolate? (Can one have too much coffee and coffee? Is there truly such a thing? Perhaps for coffee, yes. But chocolate? Oh please say it isn't so.)

Ye-eah. I am outta here. This is pathetic...

Oh... and... this week's Meditation is live and available: Beautiful Surprise.

It's Beginning to Look

a lot like Christmas and what the hell is up with that?!?!

It is supposed to be looking a lot like spring, not Christmas. I feel sad for the little pansies and daffodils that were brave enough to pop up their heads early because now they are buried under snow for crapsake!

MDT

I am grateful that it is a beautiful day in my hometown, that the sky is clear, crystalline blue and the sun is shining brightly. I am grateful because I really feel like a bear - all growly and standing on my hind legs, ready for attack with my claws and teeth bared. The glorious weather makes it a tad easier to calm the beastie.

I am not a fan of the time changes to conserve energy. I have never been. It takes me, it seems, pretty much the entire time between changes to get acclimated. I have about a month where I am confident that I am back in my own time zone and then the time is changed again.

Last night, I spent most of the night awake or in that sleeping place where I am aware of every single tick and crinkle in the air so I am not really asleep. It happens every time I use my alarm clock, which is rarely. Many years ago, I realized that I loathe alarm clocks. Didn't matter what kind either... bells, buzzes, music, lights. Didn't matter. I despised being startled awake and each time I did, it would set the tone for my day: absolute pissy-ness.

In an attempt to create a more easeful life for myself, I trained my body to wake up on its own. I am impressed with my ability to do this and my body rarely fails me. Unless, of course, I have abused it and have not given it enough rest. However, if there is a particular - and, most importantly - important appointment which requires me to rise at an earlier time, I set an alarm clock. And I spend the entire night awake, afraid that that damn clock will let me down.

Last night was one of those nights. I am unconfident of my waking ability when some outside force fucks with my time zone. I have heard about all the ways you can get acclimated... go to bed and rise fifteen minutes earlier each day for a few days prior to the change; drink lots of water; start changing your clocks ten minutes at a time a week prior. Ye-eah. Whatever. They are all just tricks, most of which don't work for me because I have tried them. Besides, I already drink a gallon of water a day. Drinking more water, for me, would only mean more time spent peeing.

So, I slide bumpily and grumpily into the new time, grateful for the sunshine and keep my fingers crossed that this time it will be easier. All the while wondering why I still feel like I am asleep and looking at the clock, saying to myself, "Oooohhhh. That's why. The clock says 7:00, but it's really only 6:00."

Spring

It feels like spring today. Clear sky. Brisk air.

Why, then, am I cooped up in bed with the covers over my head and not wanting to emerge into the world?

Cancelled?

I don't believe it. The news just flew around the house. The bishopric of my father's ward has called off church today. I have lived in Utah for all of my life (aside from a two year stint in Idaho Falls, which we call North Salt Lake) and never in my 39 years have they called off church due to bad weather.

So I went outside with my cell phone to take pictures and check out how bad it really was - actually, I didn't go outside, I just opened the front door and a snow drift a foot high fell inside. I was intrigued with how the snow had accumulated on everything, sticking out as lacy protrusions on all vertical surfaces. And the details of the world was lost in a flurry of grey-white.

Much to my daughter's delight and my horror, we will be inside today watching her favorite musical, Cats. I appreciate this show for it's costumes and make-up which is believably catish. I, however, think it is the stupidest storyline of all time. I just don't get it. I looked it up on wikipedia to give you that link and discovered that it is based on a collection of poems by T. S. Elliot. Hence the reason I don't get it. It's not really a story after all, but a collection of poems. And, it requires me to focus way too hard to understand what they are singing to even begin understanding what is happening. It's about cats, for godssake. However, I realize that it is a most cherished, award winning show. But, still, it's about cats. Thusly, it is ranked amongst my daughter's top favorite movies of all time. I think she was born a cat in another lifetime.

At any rate, (I had an English teacher in high school named Mrs. Hess. She wore purple all the time from head to toe. Her lipstick was even purple. Her earrings were always baubly purple balls. Her hair was a steel-wool mass of bottle-bought copper. Every single day she was dressed in every shade of purple and her favorite saying was, "At any rate," in her quaking, gravelly, smoked-for-too-long-voice. We would count her usage of the cliche. One day, in a 90-minute class, we counted 96 declarations, "At any rate...")

Sooooo... at any rate. Church has been cancelled today. Apparently a storm bigger and worse than the one hitting us right now is scheduled to pound into the valley around noon. For the safety of the members, they are being advised to stay home.

As for our worshipping today, Baby and I are watching Cats and dad and his wife are balancing their checkbook. Hmmmm...

Slip Slidin' Away

Whew... I made it. And even in one piece without any scratches, dents, dings or bumps. Nice to know.

I am grateful for the storms that have been relentlessly marching across my state for the past several weeks. Heaven knows we need the water.

And that is all I have this morning.

Oh. That and... I've lost four pounds... :)

A Matter of 30 Seconds

Just a short time ago, I looked out the window here, relishing the blue sky and fluffy airy white clouds I could see. I could not, however, see to the north where trouble was a-brewing.

In a matter of 30 seconds, my office grew eerily dark. I looked out the window to find that the entire northern half of my view was blackened by heavy clouds. I could still spy brilliant blue to the south.

30 seconds later as far as I could see from north to south, the sky was heavy with ominous grey clouds.

30 seconds later, it began snowing.

30 seconds later, the sidewalks, cars and roads are now all covered with a thin film of white.

They say this is going to be a doozy. Judging by the fact that I can barely see the shops across the two-lane street, I would have to agree.

Yay...

Let it Snow!

Yesterday it started snowing here. Actually, it began with a horrific hailstorm with lightning and thunder. That was a first for me. And now, 18 hours later, it is still snowing and I am snowed in. So I am going back to bed to enjoy my snow day. It's supposed to stop by 11:00 today so it will be a short nap.

And I am aware that this is a really lame post.

Yay me...