Moments and Memories

Moments and Memories

I was walking down the restaurant's narrow hallway toward the restrooms and was just about to enter the women's facilities when the door swung open, startling me. Filling the open space was a woman who stood about my height, had perfectly coifed bottle-auburn hair and sparkling brown eyes. She was bedecked in head-to-toe matching green, khaki and gold from the floral print shirt to her gold penny loafers. Around her neck were layers of dazzling gold necklaces, some of which swung to her belly, heavy-laden with baubles and pendants and from her ears dangled matching gold earrings.

She was a radiant, stunning vision of precise perfection and I instantly saw my Grandma Faye.

Grandma Faye left this earth almost exactly seven years ago and every year around this time I feel the absence of her with such longing I practically ache with it. I miss the sound of her tick-tock heart and the smell of her - roses. I miss the touch of her tiny hands that were always adorned with beautiful jewels. I miss her laughter and I miss her gentleness.

I stared at this woman in front of me, awash in memories of my Grandma that came rushing at me with such force, I could hardly breathe. I gasped with the sudden onslaught of emotions and the woman looked at me harshly, appearing as startled by my presence as I was by hers. I could feel the tears burning in my eyes and swallowed hard around the huge lump in my throat. She smiled warily.

We were only about six inches from one another and I looked her straight in the eye after taking in her appearance in one sweeping glance. Blinking away the tears in my eyes, I swallowed and said, in a voice that sounded strangely airy, "Oh. Hi. You... uh... startled me. I'm sorry. You just... you just remind me so much of my Grandma that I almost hugged you."

"Poor Grandma," she said as she inched around me, back pressed to the wall, eyes wide.

She dashed off down the hall and, startled by her response, I stepped into the bathroom, shaking off the curious sensation of, "what in the world just happened there???"

I've thought about this experience a lot since it happened several weeks ago. I've wondered what on earth she meant by her odd comeback. I've wondered what she heard me say. I've wondered at my sudden urge to say to her, "Thank you for reminding me of love," but holding back and not saying it. I've wondered what would have happened if I had told her that.

What I've thought about the most, though, is that very visceral experience of my Grandma Faye that was embodied in this stranger. In that brief interlude, she brought to me the body-memory of what it was like to be around a woman whom I've been missing deeply as of late.

I know there are people out there who have caught my eye and with whom I've shared moments of divine beauty because I honored the love that enveloped me in that moment. I've seen people's faces change when I've stepped up and have said, "I want to tell you how beautiful you are," or "I loved hearing your laughter," or "Thank you for your kindness. It meant everything to me today."

At times, people - sometimes complete strangers - have said impulsive things to me like, "You have a beautiful smile," or "What you just said changed my life forever." When this has happened, I've had a moment to pause and realize that all around me are opportunities to connect and to share a beautiful experience. When someone has taken the time to follow their impulses and share with me some kind word or loving feedback, I've been so touched and transformed.

There are times in our lives where people cross our paths and it is our chance to share with them the loving feelings that arose merely from crossing paths with them. It is in the awareness of the beautiful coincidences of crossing paths that the revolutionary moments can happen. Even when I don't realize it's happening, in any moment, I could be changing someone's life for the better by simply being me.

What are you doing with your moments?

© Angie K. Millgate 3/13/10

Bedazzled by Angie K. Millgate
© Angie K. Millgate 2010 All rights reserved.
To view a full-size version of this piece of art, visit angiemillgate.blogspot.com

The Congruent Heart

The Congruent Heart

"...SWEET-heart." The word was not spoken loudly but with such contempt, I felt sick.

I stepped into the frozen food aisle just as the woman spat the word at her partner. The word "sweetheart" historically means "beloved one." However, her defensive energy and tone contradicted the word's definition. 

I sensed him glancing at me as I stuck my head in the ice cream freezer to look for frozen broccoli. I realized I had interrupted a very private, heated conversation and I wanted to hide.

The man said quietly, "I've already apologized about this. Do we have to do this here?"

She didn't take his hint.

"I told you," she said slightly louder than appropriate, "your way wasn't going to work, SWEET-heart."

Ick. There was that word again and my skin crawled with her defilement. I experienced it as demoralizing and wanted to intercede on the man's behalf. I glanced through the fog collecting on the glass door and noticed he was staring blankly at the frozen pies. He took a deep breath and sighed as I shut the freezer, opting for fresh broccoli. I lowered my eyes, trying to be invisible and to not hear his distress or her anger as I quickly passed.

 

"I'm sorry," he said quietly with a tone indicating he was tired of repeating it. "I don't want to have this conversation here."

 

I cringed and power-walked away from the venomous atmosphere.

Disregarding him, she blazed, "You've made so much work for me now, SWEET-heart."

Even though I'd made it to the end of the row, I instinctively ducked as the barb flew through the air, grateful to be far enough from it that I didn't feel the full impact.  I felt a lingering sadness, though, and was very bothered by the experience.

 

I wandered into the produce section, forgetting why I was there, and stared at the oranges while her profanity echoed in my head. I wondered if she knew how disconcerting it was to have a term of endearment sound like a curse and began questioning myself. Where am I using my words incongruently? Do I use terms of endearment as weapons? Do I disguise my true feelings through incongruent speaking?

I've thought about this experience for days and it has strengthened my commitment to congruently speak with love. It has also brought into sharp focus how I choose to use terms of endearment. 

 

I never did get the broccoli.

 

© Angie K. Millgate 03/06/10

 

The Congruent Heart by Angie K. Millgate
© Angie K. Millgate 2010 All rights reserved.
To view a full-size version of this piece of art, visit angiemillgate.blogspot.com

Appreciation #206

*My own art. Sometimes I am so surprised by its beauty and excited that it is ME that created it!!! LOL (If you'd like to see the full-size piece of art, go here:Through Open Space) *Good music. This morning my I-tunes are on random. At some point in my life I downloaded an instrumental version of Amazing Grace that is absolutely gorgeous. With as many songs as I have, it rarely plays. When it does, I stop to listen because it moves me every time. *Standing my ground, feeling my feelings and knowing I'm better for having done so. *For two weeks, I've been wondering how to say this in a positive way, but I can't figure it out and it comes up every morning. So here we go... Finally getting to a place in my life where I no longer care what anyone thinks of me and that when people choose out of my life voluntarily because they feel I'm too difficult to be friends with, it no longer crushes me. I finally understand that I am ME no matter who loves me or doesn't. That is liberating! *Understanding myself and loving me for my complexity and my simplicity. *Learning that even those who I thought would never leave sometimes do and life goes on. Surprisingly. *Dreaming of places unseen and feeling as though I've been there before. ~ Grateful to BE alive today!

Grace in Small Things

Appreciation #194

*Comforting my daughter as she sobs... missing her daddy big time last night. *A good dinner at Mom's house last night. Felt like old times; I was young again. *Being a woman. *Small, surprising blessings. *Filling the void of an ended relationship with the emotion that has come from that experience and then expressing it through abounding creativity. *Appreciating and loving the magical stuff that is showing up through me. *Creating breathtaking art that I look at and go, "WOW! *I* created that?!?!!" ~ Feeling so grateful to be alive.

Grace in Small Things

Open Space

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Albert Einstein has been quoted as saying, "You cannot solve a problem at the level it was created."

For years, I've heard my mentor, Megan Sillito, speak about Open Space as being the place where there is creativity and room to find resolutions. Whenever I've heard her speaking about Open Space, I have felt comforted and excited. It has seemed like a space where I wanted to be because it was there that I had access to my creative mind, to options that I may not be able to see when I'm focused on a problem. Finding Open Space removes me from the level wherein my "problem" was originally created so there would be hope for something new to happen.

It wasn't until just the other night, when I sat in session with Megan, that I realized I'm actually terrified of Open Space. My life, with all that has gone on over the last few months, has become Open Space personified. There is such a vast openness before me, I've been overwhelmed. Several times I've said, "I look out in front of me and there is... huge... space. There is so much space that I can't even see a path or a decision or hear a direction. There's just... space."

And, because there was so much space with seemingly no paths to choose from, I've basically stood frozen solid in place, absolutely petrified. I had no idea where to turn. I had no idea where I could step. I had no idea what to do next. There was just... vast. Open. Space. Seemingly, since I'm living in Open Space, one would think I would be rejoicing, but it's truly a daunting experience for me to face so much openness.

So, I sat with that in session with Megan and processed what I was experiencing. I embraced the fact that I feel scared in Open Space and then I realized that, on the other side of that Open Space, I can see me. I can see who I'm becoming. I can see my purpose. I can see me living my life's passion. But, my problem is, there is this vast Open Space between me and that place where I'm living who I know I am.

When I shared that with Megan, she asked me, "Who are you, Angie?"

I had just confidently said, "I know who I am," so you would think that her asking me that question would be no problem. But it was. It startled me. I closed my eyes and went within to put into words what I knew to be true. There were only three words that floated to the surface... "I am Love."

She smiled and said, "Hmmmm... while we were processing your fear around Open Space, I felt inspired to tell you that Open Space is Love."

My eyes grew wide as I felt my paradigms shifting inside with such visceral sensations that I had to just witness it. Then the implications of her statement started coming to the surface. "If I'm afraid of Open Space and... Open Space is Love... and... I am Love... Then... I'm afraid of... myself..."

She waited for me to process that and then she asked, "What does Love do with Fear?"

My first impulse was to say, "Love embraces Fear," but then I stopped. I saw the image of a small, frightened child. When a child is frightened enough and you approach that child to embrace him, it can make the fear worse. But if you hold out your arms and welcome the child into the embrace when he is ready, it makes all the difference.

In that moment, I saw myself holding my arms open to myself and realized that, at any moment, I have the power to add love to what I'm doing. Love is the highest vibration and when any situation is infused with love, it raises the energy and creates space for shifting and healing.

Suddenly, I felt calm and present and full of potential. Within 24 hours of this process, I had received inspiration and clear, concise directions for what my next steps needed to be. Suddenly, the once terrifying, vast openness before me had paths lit with love.

And it was good!

© Angie K. Millgate 1/31/10

The Truth Shall Set You Free

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The Truth Shall Set You Free


Recently, I've had a lot of opportunities to talk with my best friend about "protection" and how, when we choose to "protect" another by withholding our truths from them, it eventually leads to hurt. Hurt of each of the people involved and eventual hurt - or possible demise - of the relationship. My experience has shown me that, without fail, the longer I hold onto my truth the more painful it is when I release it.

My best friend and I would go the rounds because he used to be one who never told the whole truth, but didn't consider it lying because what he did say was truthful. However, I would always say, "You may not be telling lies, but you're lying by omission. You're not telling the whole truth." Omission, or not sharing the whole truth, is still dishonesty in my book. When this would happen, I'd feel really angry and super-charged about it. Something about his dishonesty had a barb that stuck inside me every time it happened. However, I could never put my finger on why I got so bent out of shape.

For a long time, one of my mentors frequently said to me, "Angie, you really need to clean up your withholds." I'd look at her with wide-eyes, feeling clueless as to what she meant and brush it off as 'her thing' because I pride myself in being a very honest person. Whenever I would hear her speak of withholds, I had the same emotional reaction as I would have when I heard my best friend telling only half the story. Thing is, I never put two and two together.

When I speak, I speak the truth. When I act, I act in truth. This last week, however, I discovered that I live in a very private world, which I keep to myself. While I'm kind and outwardly honest, my withholding of my inner life is my form of dishonesty. I had no idea I was withholding my truths and it was quite shocking to discover what I have been creating for my life on an ongoing basis as a result of withholding my truths. My withholding was leading me into arguments and upsets and disagreements galore. I would end up in the middle of one and wonder why/how I had ended up there.

After a particularly painful period of time that was full of one mishap after another, I stopped myself and stared in the mirror and asked, "What are you missing, Angie? What pattern are you repeating that is resulting in this frustration?"

As I stared in the mirror, I realized that my sadness and frustration is coming from the fact that I am living in an inner world of my own creation that no one else knows about, but I expect them to understand me. I've heard it said that human beings have an average of 50,000 - 70,000 thoughts a day and, for me, many of those thoughts were regarding how I felt, what I was experiencing and what I could or could not say about all of that.

In that moment, I chose to make a commitment to reveal and share what is going on for me in each moment. I see now that my commitment last year to be 100% accountable for my every thought, word, action and emotion was the beginning of what I really need to do. I'm aware that I'm scared AND I am fully taking on my commitment from last year which means something totally different now and is on a much deeper level.

I invite you to take inventory of your life. Is there anywhere that you are withholding your truths? It's sometimes tricky to uncover it, especially if you are as practiced at it as I was. Honesty is the best policy, they say and I agree. For me, it is the best policy because it keeps my space clear and I see now that it feeds my aliveness unlike anything else.

© Angie K. Millgate 1/23/09

Appreciation #179

*My Manta painting (a life-size outline of me made into art) I made last May in a Creative workshop....

*I like that I see that painting and remember what it means for me, the processes I went through to get there and where I'm heading from that point. *My laptop. Such a cool thing! *My bed. Glad it's comfortable. I've been in it a lot the last couple days. *Connecting with friends and strangers who soon become friends. *Rest. ~Feeling grateful!

Grace in Small Things

World of Imagination

World of Imagination

I am blessed with the honor and privilege of teaching children at my daughter's school. The Open Classroom is a co-operative school where the parents of the students have a commitment to be in the classroom a minimum of three hours a week, teaching. It is one of the coolest concepts I've ever come across and have really enjoyed the time I've spent at the school. This year I have the opportunity to spend about 12 hours a week at the school because I'm co-oping for my daughter, as well as my former husband's children and I'm loving it! It has been the bright spot in my weeks while I've been unemployed and has seemed to set my life into perspective.

This past week in kindergarten, I had the chance to lead all 75 children through a "Movement, Meditation, Art" process that I've done with adults and older children in groups of about 15 people. Never having worked with a group that young or that huge, I had no idea how it was going to go over and was pleasantly surprised by the end of the 90-minute activity and after hearing the feedback from parents, teachers and children.

During the meditation part, I guided them to their very own meadow and let them create it as they wanted it to be. In this meadow, I guided them to create plants and animals and creatures. I gave them permission to do whatever they wanted to in this meadow because it was their space and they were completely safe. I gave them time to create there and explore and play, then we brought in a "being" - whether it was a person real or imagined, a creature or an animal, it was their choice - who would bring them a box that contained a gift. They had full licensure to create the box however they wanted it to be and it was up to them what the gift would be.

What delighted me the most was hearing the children share of their experiences with the whole group after the meditation section and before they created their art pieces. These children, so full of curiosity and colorful imaginings, shared stories of enchanting images and object lessons that took my breath away. One of the children said, "My person was my father and he gave me a box with nothing in it, but what I learned was how happy he was to give me the gift and I understood that, sometimes, it's better to give than receive." Another child said, "I received two gifts. One gift was only for me, only I could know about it and it's a secret. The other one they gave me so I could share it with everyone." Another child shared, "I could fly and I had a pet dragon that healed things."

I was breathless with all the stories the children shared with us that day and any that they shared one on one with just me. I was touched by how open and willing they all were and how expansive their journeys were. I was also moved by the vibrancy of their imaginings and their messages. It gave me pause to think about how powerful our children are and how much they know that we adults may not ever understand. I felt grateful for the experience of guarding and guiding these miraculous beings and learned so much from them.

The brain does not know the difference between imagined and real. Given that, I'd like to live in the worlds these children create.

© Angie K. Millgate 01/10/10

3:15

I couldn't believe it when my eyes suddenly popped open wide and fully awake this morning and I glanced at the clock to discover that it was only 3:15 am. My creative life is so active now that it is as though I only get naps in. There seems to be so much to do and so much to create. I feel happy about that.

My brother and his wife are amazing. They completed the process last summer to becoming foster parents and our family has already had the priviledge and the heartache of welcoming a little one in and witnessing the transition of the little one back to his mother. I watch these two and marvel at the capacity of their hearts. I feel blessed to be close to a process that has been both joyful and heart-rending. They called me early last Thursday to let me know that they were chosen to be foster parents again. Tomorrow, their new son arrives... a 3-week old baby entrusted to their care. The most incredible thing about this is that these two people are two of the greatest parents any child could have. I love that they chose into this process because every child that gets the opportunity to live with them will be forever blessed.

(I'm realizing that I have a couple of unrelated items that I want to jot down so excuse the bumpiness of this post...)

I wrote a letter last week. Actually, I wrote it on Friday. A day when I was ebulant and overflowing... it read:

I am an artist that works in common, every day mediums. About five yearsago, I discovered your Pilot G2-07 pens and COMPLETELY fell in love withthem. They are my all time favorite writing utensils. I find myselffascinated with experiencing how the ink flows out of the pen as I useit. Your pens are an integral part in my artwork - each piece using theink in at least one entire pen! And, the most exciting news is that myartwork, created with YOUR pens is on display now in my first artshowing as a professional artist. My gallery opening is tomorrow nightand people from all over Salt Lake City, Utah and beyond will gaze atthe 20 pieces I have created. Thank you for creating such a qualityproduct! If you are curious about what sort of art your pens create, youcan visit my website here: http://www.momentsofawakening.com/Site/ArtworkDisplays.html

For 4 years now, I have been saying that I wanted to write Pilot, but never have. I took the time to write them that day and received this email back:

Hi Angie, Thank you for your email message regarding the G2-7 Gel Ink pens. We really appreciate your comments as they help us continue to provide quality writing instruments. We would be pleased to send a complimentary sample to show our appreciation for your business. Your artwork is beautiful and we areglad that we could be apart of it. We wish you much success in your endeavors. Thank you for your continuing loyalty to our products. Best regards, Melissa Hugger Consumer Advisor

WOW! A complimentary sample? Wooohoooo! Bring it on!

Let it Rock!

The night was every description of perfect. Amazing weather. Beautiful people. Energy that was soothing AND energizing at the same time. People showed up in droves and stayed most of the night. Everywhere I turned, there was the face of someone I loved. People loved my art and went home with their favorite piece - or pieces. It was an astounding experience.

This morning, as I prepare this update for you, I feel a curious mixture of heavy, unmovable and alert. I am experiencing myself today with the sensation of being full of cement, my body being reluctant to bend and sway. After the exhilaration of last week which showed up as the inability to sleep for several nights, I imagine that is the biggest reason why I am feeling the effect of gravity with monumental intensity.

I feel so blessed to have created this breathtaking experience for myself and those who chose in to experiencing it with me. I had people show up that were friends of friends, that I had never met before. I had blogging friends show up (Hi, Lynn!) that I had no idea would be in attendance and felt so excited to meet. I had many of my ALC buddies there and they stayed for the bulk of the night, adding laughter and connection to the event. My local, immediate family members were all there. And, how cool is this???! Three different people I knew from high school and haven't seen since, showed up simply because they had seen my information on facebook and felt excited to support me! Two of my beautiful friends (Hi, Liz and Nichol!) showed up first thing and stayed all the way through, offering me a home base where I could touch down and regroup every now and then. My former husband, his wife and his architectural designer friends came and, a little later, one of his employee's and his wife and step daughter did too. My lifetimes-long soul connection (Love you!) also offered his presence and strength, warming my heart and holding me up with his smile.

By the end of the night, my emotions were running so full, I was overflowing. There were no words. I could only cry. The love and the appreciations bubbled out of me in tears as people hugged me good night. I felt kerfuffled and, yet, peaceful. It was the most complete I have felt in a long while and I created it all! The feedback I received from practically everyone was, "You are radiating love and glowing. You are absolutely beautiful."

My mentors, Megan and Annabeth, as they were leaving both hugged me close. I could feel their appreciation and, knowing how much they have witnessed of my journey, I knew they could feel what I was experiencing. Annabeth could only say over and over, "This is SO big! I'm so proud of you! I love you!"

Megan stood in front of me and asked, "How do you feel?"

There were no words, however. So I showed her. She gets my body-movement language and I showed her what I was feeling as tears ran down my face. She smiled and said, "Draw that, Ang! Create that image. That is your million dollar piece of art!"

Indeed it is! Talk about a night of continual chivels!!!

I've said it before and I'm gonna say it again now... LIFE IS GOOD!

I LOVE MY LIFE!

"Hanging the Show" 12/31/08

WOW!

I feel overflowing with joy and excitement and abundance and glimmering, sparkling beauty! The day is crystal clear, not a cloud in sight. I feel refreshed and rejuvenated and prosperous. I feel mischievous and creative and appreciative.

I am full of gratitude for how beautifully I am creating my life. In the last 24 hours, the support and love that has shown up for me has taken my breath away. I have gentle tears streaming down my face as I breathe in the power of myself and let the gratitude wash over me and into the atmosphere.

Five hours until I open. wow...

As I stood in line at the paper store, getting the poly bags for my art, I was sandwiched between two men. (whew! I feel sexual! LOL) The one at the register, John, recognized the one behind me, (I'll call him Bob). This is how the scene played out...

John: Oh! Hey! How are you?
Bob: I'm good! How about you?
Angie: *musing to self* I love it when men who tower two feet over my head carry on conversations over my head as if I'm not here.
John: Good, good.
Bob: You still working where you used to?
John: Nah. I started my own company.
Bob: Really? Whatcha doin?
John: I'm a print broker.
Angie: *snickers louder than planned. feels startled when they both look at her accusatorily. feeling chagrined and embarrassed, offers an apology.* Sorry. I could have sworn you said 'PIMP' broker.
*both men laugh loudly. men's conversation continues on. during a natural pause, Angie butts in.*
Angie: What does a print broker do?
John: I am the man that you come to when you have products that need printing. I get you matched with the correct materials and printing company.
Angie: *eyebrows arching as the significance of this meeting sets in* Seriously? Do you work with artists?
John: Absolutely.
Angie: Can I have a business card?
John: Absolutely. Are you an artist?
Angie: *grinning like a three year old high on sugar* Absolutely. Tonight is my first show opening.
John: *raising his eyebrows* Congratulations! Seriously, give me a call! Let's get you hooked up.

Yep! I love my life!!!

Hanging the Show

I am excited for my first art show. This short presentation is from the day I hung the show. I am truly excited and am sometimes (still) having a difficult time believing it's real!

I would love to have you join me at my opening if you are in Salt Lake and are available to drop by.

Friday, January 16, 2009
6:00 pm - 9:00 pm
Tea Grotto
2030 South 900 East
Salt Lake City, Utah

Outward

"Outward and Onward" - ©Angie K. Millgate 2009
I have a feeling building within me that is moving outward. I feel this culminating energy... the results of years of "keepin' on keepin' on" that is gaining momentum as I move forward, step by small step. I have a burgeoning excitement that seems to be simmering at all times. That, if I take a moment to go within, I can see her there, glimmering continually. At times, she gains fuel and spontaneously errupts into flame. At others, she patiently awaits and continues to provide gentle heat and light. I can feel I am on the right path as I watch my small efforts create huge waves. I can see the effects I am having on myself and the lives of those around me. I can see how my investment is beginning to return back to me.

I feel blessed to be aware enough of what I am creating to be able to witness it as I am creating it. I feel grateful that I am building an empire one patient brick at a time, especially since patience has rarely been a virtue I believed I possessed. I feel joy and peace filling the cells of my body as I watch people line up with me and behind me to go forward together. I see the shimmering outline of my vision coming together and that is a scene is jubiliant, indeed. I feel excited to be having revealed the answers to my long ago spoken questions. I feel anticipation for rounding the corner and into the vision I have held onto for years.

As I go forward faithfully, watching the bricks be laid and the pavers be set, I give thanks to the universe for supporting me, my mentors for going before me and myself for having the courage to do that which I know I must and, especially, for the times when I just keep going forward when I have absolutely no idea why or how.

Conscious Art Slideshow

A small sampling of what you will find on display at The Tea Grotto through January 31, 2009. Be sure to join us there at my opening on Friday, January 16, 2009 6:00pm - 9:00pm
2030 South 900 East, Salt Lake City, UT

Nuggets and Pieces

"The Missing Piece" - (c) Angie K. Millgate 2008

As I have ventured into this New Year, (What? Yes, I know we are only 2 days in, but every day counts in things like this!) I have discovered some new things about myself. Or, perhaps they are old things that I am just now recognizing or re-recognizing.

At any rate, I have discovered some interesting glitches in my system, hitches in my giddy-up. They came through in the form of questions I had arise during a conversation with one of my best friends, Karen, following a joint-venture New Year's Eve celebration that ended up being sqwonky and completely contrary to what either of us had wanted to create. They are things that I would like to acknowledge by writing out here for my hands, head, ears and eyes to experience. This is part of my process... writing it out so that the answers can come. In faith I do so now...

How is it that I can sit in a dangerous situation, knowing that it is so dangerous, and just sit there without moving? How can I be conscious that there is a figurative gun pointing at my head and, yet, I do nothing. It is not that I freeze. It's not that I faint. There is no fear response. There is simply... nothing. I can see and feel in the moment that what I am experiencing is not something I want to be experiencing - sometimes I am even forewarned that I am going into a situation that is "not good" for me and do it anyway then I sit there, feeling it all, seeing it all, hearing it all and do nothing. It is as though there is a delay programmed into the part of my brain that brings action. What is that about?

When I find myself in a space I judge as dangerous, how am I able to see the others there as different than me? This one pains me. I have a tendency to look at the situation and "them" and tell myself that I'm there by accident, but they meant to be there. In that moment, I forget that I am creating my life in a way that landed me in the same place as "them." We are all in the same place. I am there too. There is a line from the movie Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai that has been continually running through my brain as of late: "Wherever you go, there you are." So, I am showing up in literal and figurative places where I feel uncomfortable and I become unwilling to look at why *I* am there, but am fully willing to judge why the others are there. What is that about?

What am I so scared about that I am unable to look at myself? I hold to the fact that everyone with whom I am in relationship are a mirror of who I am - whether it's an intimate relationship, a friendship, a partnership, a family relationship, an electronic friendship or a passing acquaintance. Conveniently, when I end up in places that are uncomfortable for me and I look at the others with derision, I forget that "those people" are my mirror. I forget - nay, I refuse - to look at the fact that they are mirroring myself to me. In talking with Karen, I realized that there are some pretty ugly aspects of myself that I am unable to even peek at and so, I end up in places where it is right there, undeniably clear in my face for me to see. And, even then, I make it about "them." What is that about?

How is it that I experience something coming to me, getting excited about it, celebrate it and then it turns the opposite direction before it ever arrives? This is a recurring pattern in my life. I get told that I've been invited to join a club, get to try it out one time and then get told I'm "not a fit after all." Or, I get excited about working with a new client who is excited about working with me and then... they never show up. Or I start a new "job" with a friend whom I have known forever and then, on one uninformed misstep in the beginning, I'm fired. Or I try out for a team, make it all the way to final cut and then get cut because I'm not tall enough. Or I can see an excellent working opportunity coming toward me, I get excited about it, I open up my arms to receive it and... nothing. What is that about?

What is it that holds me back from speaking my truth? Time and again, over things big and small, in my relationship with Karen (and several other really close friends) I have had moments where I have held my tongue for one reason or another. At times, it has caused huge arguments. At others, it has caused confusion. And, at others, it has resulted in one or both of us missing out on an opportunity of which we both wanted to partake. I discovered through the New Year's debacle that, had I spoken the idea that I was discounting as unimportant and silly, we would have done that instead of what we ended up doing. So... if I have had proven to me time and again the power of speaking my truth at all times even when I judge it to be unimportant, silly or small, why do I still not do it?

What is it in me that causes me to hang on to relationships that no longer serve me? When someone has moved on, why do I still pine for that person? This is a l-o-n-g standing pattern of mine (I imagine all of them are, but I am most familiar with this one) and one which I am hoping to reprogram immediately. I am exhausted from playing in this playground all of my life. And there isn't anything else to say about this one. I imagine that, if you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you have already picked up on this lovely number. Soooo... what is it?

In my conversation with Karen, I commented that it felt like it was one nugget of something that I was missing or not recognizing or refusing to see. And that that one nugget ran through all of these aspects of myself and was also an aspect of my journey with my body image. It feels like it is one tangible piece of me that has been misplaced or strewn too far thin or cast over the cliff and that one piece is the piece I need to find to recognize and resolve these patterns of destruction. Soooooo... where is it?

I commit to being continually curious and open to finding this nugget in loving and easeful ways and then gratefully incorporating it into my wholeness.

Rejoice!

"Floating" akm 2008 I feel as if I am floating on a sea as smooth as glass
I feel myself breathing and expanding
I feel the Joy come in, filling up the spaces that were recently
Empty
It's me!
I'm doing this all on my own
And in the past, I used to think that
On my own
Sounded like a lonely predicament
Like something I couldn't do
Truth is..
I can!
I am!
And I rejoice!
akm 12/30/08

Showing Up

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO excited that I am jumping around for joy. I took a moment to pause in my happy dance to share the good news with you. First, though, let me share a story. (I know. The suspense is killing ya!) :)

There is an amazing space here in Salt Lake called the Tea Grotto, which is a locally-owned, beautifully-fabulous small tea shop. I have known the owner, Rebecca, of this shop for a while now simply because of all the time I have spent there. As her business was growing, she would have time to sit with me and chat and we got to know one another.

I find myself sliding into creative mode when I enter that space. Many times I have gone there for the sole purpose of sipping tea and creating art. She has watched some of the pieces come to life before her and has mentioned several times that she would love to display my art on the walls of the Grotto. I never took her serious and brushed myself off as being "not-an-artist."

Back in August, when I ventured out into the world to make it a go on my own, I had all sorts of brilliant, creative ideas float into my world. One of them happened very organically. I was at the Tea Grotto, doing art and she brushed past me, glanced over my shoulder and said, "Angie, I would really love to see your art up on these walls. Talk to Olivia about it. She's the new coordinator."

This was not a new conversation she and I were having, however something sparked in me this time and I thought, "What the hell do I have to lose?"

Olivia LOVED my art. She is a trained artist, having travelled the world in her training, and she actually said to me, "Your stuff is amazing! I have seen nothing like this." I was speechless. She scheduled me for a showing in January. I gave her my number. She said she would call. She never did.

Fast forward to December...

I have spent the last four weeks in torment wondering why Olivia hasn't called me. Did she lie to me? Is my stuff complete shit? Am I not good enough to show? On and on and on... Heaven forbid I pick up the phone and call. NO! I have to moan and wail and be miserable for a very long time first.

This morning, I called the Grotto.

"Olivia's not in..." (oh surprise) "However, let me give you her home phone number..."

What the...???

Sweating and trembling, I called her, feeling grateful when the voicemail picked up.

Two hours later, my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize. Generally, I don't answer unknown numbers, however something prompted me to do so this time. It was Olivia.

"I am so glad you called me, Angie! I lost that folder that had your number and business card in it. I've been freaking out because I couldn't get a hold of you. I was so hoping you would call me!"

What the...???!

Sooooo... on Wednesday, December 31, 2008 before 3:30 pm, I will be going to the Tea Grotto to hang my art for sale! I cannot believe this. I will be part of the Gallery Strolls here and will have an Artist's Opening Night on January 16, 2009 so buyers can come meet the artist - ME! I would LOVE IT if you are in the Salt Lake area if you would stop by that night especially, or any other time during January, and check out my stuff.

WOW!

This is a preview of some of the stuff you may see there live and in full-size!

Black and White and Everything Between

A quick little slideshow displaying some of my artwork for sale on my website http://www.momentsofawakening.com/Site/Artwork.html

500...

Welcome to post number 500! Wow! I am laughing at myself because when I first started this blogging stuff about 2 years ago, I thought it was just a passing phase. HA! That's cute! I am an addict now. I love this! And I'm wondering... are there 12-step groups for bloggers?

At any rate... other than singing kudos to myself about being a blogaholic, I am here for a real reason.

Last week, in the midst of death, I created. At first, all I knew was I wanted to paint. It has been over fifteen months since I have picked up a paint brush because it feels difficult here at my father's house. Sooooo... I just haven't done it. A little part of me was fading away because I wasn't feeding that aspect of my artist's fire. In the throes of grief, all I could think was, "I need to paint!" So I did.

I am really proud of the finished product which I gifted to Nat and Joe in honor of Adrianna...

The text reads:
Adrianna
Beautiful Angel
Bridging two worlds with joyful ease
Co-creative Genius of receiving
Touching our lives with love and peace
A shooting star blazing brightly
A soft whispering wind and blowing snow
Always in our hearts
Forever a part of all we know
Beautiful Angel

All A-Jumble

"Floating" (c) Angie K. Millgate 2008

I am riding the waves
Sadness
Happiness
Anger
Fear
I go up with those waves
Coasting easily down the break
No effort needed
I move forward
There is sadness
There is happiness
Oh! And hello anger
There is feeling afraid
I splash into the ocean
Feeling free
And floating gently
Gracefully
The water kissing my skin
The current moving my hair
Fulfillment
All is brilliantly, vibrantly alive
And I feel
It is delicious
This feeling of really
Feeling
Splashing into me
Embracing me
Loving me
Alive

akm 02/20/08