It's About the Climb, Is it?

What a day this has been. Wow. Rollercoast ride of emotions, to say the least.

This morning was A-MAZING! I surprised myself with how well I held the space for that many people - 75 kids and 15 adults! WOW! After running that much energy, I was burning up. I thought, perhaps the kids would only last for 5 minutes on the meditation. We went about 25 minutes! And then I gave them time to share about their journeys. I had time to allow about 10 of them to share and was completely drop-jaw awed and inspired by their experiences. WOW! And the way they sunk into doing their art was unbelievably cool. I thought we'd take maybe 60-75 minutes to do the whole process. We were in there 90 minutes and some of the kids weren't even ready to call it quits at that point.

I'm in love with myself for being willing to step up and share this gift I have. I love myself for wondering if children this age would groove on it and then being willing to give it a go. I love myself for being open to the possibilities and the result is the teachers are in love with the experience, as are the children and we will be doing it more often - every Tuesday in my home room. That SO rocks!

I wish that was all there was to say about my day. And, maybe I could leave it at that. However, that wouldn't really explain the "rollercoaster" part of the opening of this post, now would it...

Ye-eah... that.

Sheesh.

I'm wondering how I'm going to pull out of this emotional tailspin that seems to be spiraling at a deadly rate toward hell in a flaming handbasket. (WOW! Okay... I'm going to take a moment here. I just pulled a huge Freudian slip and I need to look at it. I wrote "emotional tailspin." I meant "financial tailspin." Give me a moment please...................................)

Yeah. I get that this is hugely emotional for me. My money is flying out the window faster than it's coming in and I can't do anything about it. I have not enough money for what is due. I have barely enough to make my car payment, phone payment, gas, car insurance and a little food. I live with my father to cut expenses that way. And, oh goodness! Thank all that is holy for that blessing. Just thinking about where I'd be right now if I didn't have this room to sleep in puts me into a miserable, gelatinous puddle.

So, I go to speak with a bankruptcy attorney to see if there is any possibility of that helping me out. What do I discover? Fuck. I discover that I need $1149 to claim bankruptcy. WTF?!!! If I had that much money, I'd pay off my creditors!!! What the hell?! And then, if I do pull that money out of my butt and want to keep my car, I need to requalify with the lendor, sign a new agreement and prove that I can make the car payments. Well, hell. How do I prove that? Given that I have no job, no job prospects and my unemployment benefits dry up at the end of February, how the hell will I pay that bill? And the courts will not grant the reaffirmation on the loan unless my attorney will sign off on my ability to pay the loan payment and my attorney won't sign off on that unless, of course, I can. So, yeah. I got nothin'.

I am so scared and sad. I cried all the way home and feel horrible because my 12 year old daughter witnessed it all and that ain't nothing a little girl should have to carry. My stress is becoming her stress and that ain't right. I feel worthless and hopeless and helpless and so very sad. I'm trying to have faith. I believe and have faith that something is going to change, something is going to give, something is going to happen to turn this all around. I'm having faith and, yet, I feel dangerously close to losing faith.

It feels like I'm standing in this vast open space of nothingness but there are no options. How is that even possible?

As I drove home, one of my favorite songs came on, The Climb, and I burst into tears as the lyrics floated through my mind and out my mouth. Eventually, I had to stop singing because I was gagging on my tears...

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

So, the song tells me to keep the faith. I'm afraid I'm forgetting how to do that...