One of Those Days

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like there is something IMPORTANT you're supposed to say, but have no idea what it is or how to say it?

I'm having one of Those Days.

OH! MY! GOSH!

I opened my email inbox this morning. With all I've had going on this week, I've rarely had a chance to do it. I think the last time I actually did was Wed. At any rate, amongst the two hundred, fifty-nine unopened emails, I found my weekly horoscope buried down deep. It came on 3/23/10 from Rob Bresney, author of Pronoia. Never before has a horoscope resonated so deeply of the truth about where I am. I read it just now and giggled, wondering if all other Geminis are having as big of an amazing time as I am with my life right now!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The odds are higher than usual that you'll encounter a future soul brother or soul sister in the coming weeks. Potential allies are gravitating toward you, even if neither they nor you are aware of it yet. You're also likely to brush up against a tribe or team you could benefit from knowing more about. That's why I'm counseling you to be extra open to meeting people you don't know. Talk to strangers. Ask your friends to introduce you to their friends. And consider the possibility of skipping over the customary social formalities so you can reveal some of the core truths about who you are right from the start.

For more information about Rob Bresney... CLICK HERE.

As of Late

What is up for me right now is the things I am saying/writing are being received in ways that are utterly different than what I mean. I'm waking up to the power of language and speaking clearly. Many times recently, I've said/written things that come from deep within me and are full of love and appreciation, only to have them evoke anger and argument and leave me feeling baffled and saying, "That is so not what I meant."

So I'm looking into this pattern for myself and wondering what I want to create. My past pattern was "not being heard" or "being interrupted." Well, I seem to have broken that pattern and have replaced it with "being heard, but being misunderstood."

The way I look at this is this pattern is up really big, everywhere in my life. I'm recognizing it in my interactions with the kids at school - they sometimes ask me to say something twice because they couldn't understand me. It's happening with my daughter - I will say something that she hears as something that really hurts her heart but it was the furthest thing from what I was meaning. It's happening with my friends - they hear me saying something I'm not meaning. It's happening with my family - I say one thing and they hear the opposite. These are all examples of what is happening with this pattern that has reared its head. The names and faces change, but the results are the same: I'm speaking in a way that is being misunderstood.

So I'm wondering... what is my commitment to being misunderstood? What is my reward?
What purpose does it serve me for me to be continually misunderstood?

Ugh.

I feel scared that the answer to that last question is that it's a sneaky way to be the victim. Aye-carumba!

I'm going to be with this for a bit. I'm owning right here and now that I am currently committed to being misunderstood. Oh dear. I feel sad. AND I'm going to allow that truth to be for a while until I'm completely finished with it and can move on to a more empowering pattern.

I'll keep you posted.

Tenderness

I feel big and small all at the same time.
I feel appreciation and wonder.
I feel awed by the magnificence of the Universe.
I feel continually startled as I witness the impact of my commitment: "I commit to being fully alive and living in my love AND to clearing anything that is blocking me from doing so." I had NO idea what that would bring.
I feel scared that the Universe REALLY is listening to what I say out loud - and, also, even to what I am thinking - and it's collaborating with me to prove me right at every turn.
I feel scared that I said to Jen last Wednesday night as I lay on the grass under the stars, "I have a huge sensation that it's time for me to be fully, 100% physically in JenGie. I'm there emotionally, mentally, spiritually and energetically. It's only on the physical realm that I'm split." And now... by a string of events that I could have NEVER foreseen, so be it.
I feel sad that it looks like it does right now and I'm trusting that it will be okay in the end.
I feel excited about the huge dreams I'm building and seeing coming to fruition.
I feel completely ready to step fully in.
Here I go.

Catching a Toss

WOW! I am... WOW! Class tonight was ASTOUNDING! I feel exalted.... THIS is what I believe heaven would feel and look like!

Mary presented me with a couple different tosses tonight and I'm taking those tosses and running with them.

First, I need to clear up something... this is funny cuz I didn't realize I had a withhold cuz I thought I had revealed. Apparently not. Hmmm... something to look at.... For clarity: I work for Charles. Charles is my former husband. He is a General Contractor and I run all aspects of his business office. Last year, 8/8/08 to be exact, was my last day working for him. I had chosen out. I took about a 4-month sabbatical and chose back in for many reasons that I won't elaborate on here. It' was a temporary fix and one which I'm open to EASEFULLY shifting out of. I'm clear that now is NOT the time to leave that job because I want something more FIRST, which brings me to the second toss...

Second, I'd like to let you in on what I want most right now. For clarity: I have lived with my dad and his wife since 10/1/07. I am SO ready to shift out of this 10x10 guest bedroom that I share with my daughter 50% of the time!!! I see my home as: a bungalow cottage with a big, south-facing porch, lots of windows with white, sheer, flowing curtains, 2BR/1 bath, sanctuary space (den or 3rd BR that I can turn into my office), generous kitchen, central air, hardwood floors, fireplace, small yard, the ability to have 2 cats, comfortable neighborhood. I see my space as a gathering place where there are spontaneous potlucks and house concerts. I see myself creating a weekly "come as you are" night where friends mingle, eat food and celebrate being alive. I feel my space as a place where people want to linger and soak in the energy. I see my fairies and elves all over, my altar with my candles. I smell the hot wax and the oils that I have so missed while I've been hermitting here at my father's. I see myself lying on my couch - I LOVE my couch - with popcorn and movies. I feel alive and vibrant in my home!!! I want to be in my home no later than 9/30/09. I'm interested in lease options, renting or buying (if someone can pull a miracle out of their ass and get me qualified, I will dip you in chocolate and lick it off!!!).

I request support by seeing me in my home. Read the descriptions and feel yourself there celebrating with me. Send me loving wishes and energy to create the magic I see in support of my home. I welcome any sort of love, support and excitement you can generate in honor of my home. I'm open to receiving love and support in the ways that feel delicious to you. I'm also loving the idea of using the "have you considered..." brainstorming technique.

Bring it on my friends!

What Boys Do When They Think No One is Watching

Last night, I was in the kitchen making me some dinner. One thing I've gotta say about being not married... I really love following my impulses when it comes to creating meals - especially on the weeks my daughter is at her dad's and I have the house all to myself. Last night my dinner was a tuna fish sandwich on fresh bread and I thought I had gone to heaven!!!

Anyway... on with the story.

I was in the kitchen and, for some reason, I got prompted to look out the window above the sink. The little boy across the street was in the front yard alone. He was sitting in his beach chair, reflective sun glasses on and his baseball cap. I happened to look out just as an idea inspired him to jump out of the chair. I watched curiously and witnessed the most magical moments. I felt so happy I had followed the impulse to watch because it was something to cherish... so pure, so impulsive, so creative, so full of essence.

He took his ball cap off and and studied it for a bit. Then he put it on, turning it this way and that until, eventually, the bill was in back just like the rappers wear it. As far as I know, there was no music playing anywhere, which made the next couple minutes all the more wonderful because the music was in his heart...

Within the Silence

What I’ve learned in my silence...

I am powerful. There is no one better than me on this earth to issue out my “punishment” for something I’ve done “wrong.” No amount of disapproval or judgment or shunning from anyone can match up to the level that I give it to myself. I’d like to see me now using this power to uplift myself and I’m curious about how I can switch that pattern easefully.

I AM able to go into the darkness and return anew. There are some aspects of myself that I don’t understand and, yet, these aspects are part of who I am. In those dark spaces, I find the aspects that I’ve cast aside because I didn’t understand them, I bring them in and I move toward wholeness. I love myself for this.

“In my own time” is important. When I try to do anything on someone else’s terms and/or to please anyone else I self-destruct. I commit to becoming conscious of my own, individual timing.

I really CAN do magic! WOW! During this silent time, I have found within me the power to CREATE. I have manifested money from unforeseen sources, miracles on a daily basis and enough funds to pay off the bulk of my debt and be able to get into my own place by the first of August. I am loving learning this about me!

“Being comfortable” is not a term with which I’m familiar. I’ve discovered that I’ve spent so much of my life outside of myself and miserable that my “comfort zone” is anything but comfortable. My “comfort zone” looks more like sitting still, going numb and stopping all together. In that “comfort zone,” I feel miserable, create sickness and death vs life situations, violence and grief. It is in this same “comfort zone” that I become hyper-aware of other’s lives, hyper-critical of their behaviors, hyper-sensitive to feedback and on hyper-alert for “danger.” The longer I stay there, the bigger it gets. For now, I’m interested in closing the gap on arriving at my “comfort zone” and the realization that I’m there so that I can channel the energy I use to survive there into moving out of there and into a space where I thrive. Eventually, I would love the awareness to be present prior to moving through the door into the “comfort zone.” I commit to being present with myself.

I am willing to do whatever it takes. The awareness of where I am holding back came to me this morning in my own words, “That?! You’re asking me to do that?! UGH! I won’t do THAT.” Ye-eah. I commit to THAT. I commit to moving.

I am quite tricky. I’ve been able to use all my skills as weapons on myself in such a sneaky way that no one knew I was up to that. Not even me. Hmmmm... genius quality there? How can I use that to BENEFIT me?

I like to be liked. I like it when people like me. I like it when they’re happy to be around me. I like it when they want to be around me. I realize, in my head, that I have no control over any of this. I’m curious about the disconnect between knowing it in my head and feeling it in my heart. I’m curious how to release myself from needing that.

I’m messy. I’m really, really messy. I hear all my instructions and skills and tools then I take it all in and then I get really messy. I get messy AND I care about what others think about me getting messy or me being not-messy. I’m ready to love myself for being messy AND allow you to be where you are with that. I commit to loving myself.

I have spent most of my life concerned more about what is going on outside of me, what is coming at me and what I can do to make everyone else around me like me. Interestingly enough, I’ve also figured out how to “numb out” around feedback, making it so I took in very little of anything – until it gets really, really ugly, then I wake up!!! At that point, I’m so thick in the mess of drama, and I KNOW that I am, but I spin and spin and can’t get out of it. In my session today with Megan, I remember feeling so scared as we talked about feedback/accountability. I stared at her and said, “I get in my head that everything is feedback. That sounds logical. AND I don’t get that in my body.” She lovingly pointed out that our entire conversation was feedback and that I chose to be open and curious and childlike and playful. She pointed out that I could have chosen to be closed and stubborn instead. Either way, I was receiving feedback. Okay. DUH! Sounds so simple, I know! Buuuuut... I got it today. I got it. I got it at the top of the Drama vs. Dream slide. I GOT IT! YAY ME!

I’m loving myself for staying with this. I’m loving myself for being so fucking scared and staying with this. I’m loving myself for being willing to go back to the very basics... in this moment, I am brushing my teeth. In this moment, I am taking a shower. In this moment, I’m getting in the car... because that is what it took to keep me alive. I’m loving myself for saying out loud, “There is nothing new here. I already know this!” And then, remembering that my commitment this year is to know the unknown so I kept looking. I’m loving myself for taking my time and being patient with myself. I’m loving myself for choosing, once again, back into life.

I recommit to easeful learnings.

Junkie

Realization: I AM a workshop junkie. I am as addicted to taking workshops and participating in self-improvement things as I am to ordering stuff from late-night infomercials. I got it with the infomercials, though. I just don't watch them. Problem solved. However, I LOVE learning! I LOVE IT! I also love teaching and they say that the greatest teachers are the best students, so maybe I'm on to something. What I'm noticing though is I really have a difficult time saying no to these workshops. When I am participating in a community committed to growing and genius, I find that the energy I'm playing in is attracting more stuff to make me greater. I've spent tens of thousands of dollars and countless hours pursuing this passion and I can't just turn off the television, cuz this ain't on television. It's real life. It's MY life.

In session the other day, my guides actually said, "You CAN go to workshops for your whole life, Angie. You CAN keep learning and never learn it all. It's a great distraction from BEING. When are you going to start BEING?"

Being... being... being.

It's the message I keep getting and I feel sad that I'm not comprehending it. I want to ask... HOW???! How do I BE? Is that even possible, to DO "being"?

I am willing to admit that all of these classes and workshops and ALC and and and are all part of keeping me OUT of being because it gives me something to focus my doing on. I feel sad about that and wonder... what now?

To Remember

Things I want to remember...

Yesterday at Danny's gravesite, I felt happy and content. I laid upon the grass in the shade near his site, with my toes ruffling the grass along the edge of his site. I was quiet and thinking about him, smiling and feeling love. Gently a song entered my mind and I focused on it. The little girl in the yard across the street was sitting in her treehouse singing to her sing-along toy, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." My smile broadened as I remembered sitting at a professional ballgame while on a date with Danny so, so many years ago. We were with a group of friends, sitting on the northern end of the arena for all nine very long innings. I remember laughing with him, eating hot dogs and laughing some more. It was my first ever attendance at an actual game and I had no idea that they were so long. The others who had been there before, said that they didn't realize the games were that long either! The bleachers were uncomfortable, with nothing to lean against but I remember Danny sitting behind me, opening his legs and offering his chest as comfort. I was at home within his embrace.

Later on yesterday, Mom and I visited Grandma Faye's gravesite. The cemetary in which her body was laid to rest is an old property, many of the sites looking unkempt because the descendents of the deceased have also died and there is no one left to care for them. The grass was tired and dried out. But the birds were alive and plentiful. I laid down in the shade near Grandma's grave and stared up at the blue, blue sky thinking of her. Suddenly, a brilliant yellow bird flew across my line of vision and sat upon a branch just above me, chattering away and singing happily.

In ALC on Saturday, we did an exercise where we each removed all the old memories and stuffed emotions from within our cells and turned them into imaginary clay. From that clay we sculpted a piece of art. I was clear that I needed a foundation of four similarly sized balls of clay. From that I created squawty columns of strength, which turned into a pyramind and then grew into a giant volcano, which evolved into a tree of such magnificent glory that tears flowed as I created her.

Out of that project, I have a new commitment: I commit to feeling my feelings in the moment and easefully expressing them in the moment.

Last night I dreamt of jack-o-lanterns. Hundreds of interestingly carved pumpkins, many designs of which caught my eyes because I couldn't fathom how they had been created. Then I found myself inside a jack-o-lantern that was brilliantly lit from within. I was the light. I peered out through the carving to see the entire world a-blaze with white hot fire. The window through which I peered was shaped like a crooked witch with her broom and cat. Hmmmm...

WOW!

Your joy factor will remain constant as you are continually refining your ideas of what you want, and that's why it is so important for you to get everybody else out of the equation. They've got their own game going on; they don't understand your game. Give them a break; stop asking them what they think. Start paying attention to how you feel. Joy will be yours immediately, and everything else that you have ever thought would make you happy, will start flowing, seemingly effortlessly, into your experience. -Abraham-Hicks

Experiencing

Got an idea during the wee hours of the night when I floated between sleep and wakefulness... the words "Outrageous Request" came to me and I danced around it. My first Outrageous Request is...

Will you please share with me how you experience me?

I'm open to feedback and looking for transparent honesty even if (or maybe, especially if) it is something you are scared to write.

Thank you, ahead of time, for playing.

With love,
Angie

Ho'oponopono

Younger

For some reason, I feel compelled to write this here. No idea why. No idea where it's going....

A few of you have sent me love notes during the last few months and I have LOVED it! Some of you have texted, called and emailed me occasionally JUST to say HI. These small gestures mean more to me than I can put into words right now.

When I was younger, people commented frequently about how thoughtful I was and they were frequently impressed that I remembered the "little things" they would talk about and yearn for. I loved the opportunity to surprise someone with a loving thought or a little note. It was never anything really that big, just something to let them know they were loved by me. Usually it was well-received, sometimes even to the point of overflowing tears of gratitude, "How did you know I needed that right now?"

Most often, I didn't know how I knew. I had followed something inside of me that said, "Now is the time. Let them know you love them." I followed my impulses, sometimes the receiver was completely unaware of the giver and I would do something anonymously, without ever witnessing the response. Other times, I did something small or shared a tender word face to face.

This "thoughtfulness" was a natural inclination for me. For most of my life, with everyone in my life for whom I was "thoughtful" there was no return surprise and I was good with that. One day, I began to wonder... what would happen if I stopped being "thoughtful" for others? About the same time, I made friends with a young man who was completely taken aback by my thoughtfulness, scared by it actually. Never having experienced anything like it before, he scorned my thoughtfulness and said some things that hurt. And so I stopped it all with him and with everyone else. A little while ago, this same friend said to me, "I didn't realize what all those 'little things' meant to me until now. I really miss them." However, I couldn't find it in me to start sharing that side of me again.

As I write that, I'm reminded of a moment in our first Alumni class this year when I handed Mary a blanket after hearing her say she was cold. She took it from me and said, "Yeah, thanks. But I don't need a Hero."

"Fine then I'll take the fucking blanket back!" Was out of my mouth before I could stop it.

Oh... this is where I'm going.... to tears, apparently.

I understand what my withdrawal is about in this moment. If I withdraw and build up that wall, then NONE of you can hurt my tender heart. You can't piss on my thoughtfulness. You can't call me a Hero for following my impulse to comfort you. You can't tell me I'm incomplete and broken and stuck in the same shit because I! CAN'T! HEAR! YOU! from here. I understand that I'm hurting, physically and emotionally. I understand that I have withdrawn because I cannot tolerate drama. I'm withdrawing from you because I want to scream and judge and smack you silly sometimes. I'm withdrawn because I'm analyzing my every word and every move to make sure I'm sticking to the skills and using the proper language and breathing in the proper form and saying it right. My heart is broken and it feels like it has been broken longer than I can remember. I can't remember feeling completely healthy for years now. I fucking chose to LIVE goddammit instead of die when I could have and here. I. am.

Even now... I want to go back through and edit this to get rid of all the "you you you" talk. It is what it is.

I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling scared. And I am so fucking sad that I want to scream. AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Disappearing Act

I'm a genius magician when it comes to making things disappear - mainly me. I'm thinking, though, that being a genius in that particular skill may not be serving me altogether that well.

I'm watching myself step back until I disappear. I'm watching myself detach. I'm watching myself choose out of relationships right and left. I've chosen to not call mentors or close friends because I get the same answers: fix your broken commitments, clean up your messes, get clear with yourself. I get that it's all about me, that I'm the source of my life and I'm accountable for how my life looks from day to day. I get all that, so I've stopped reaching.

What do I see when I look in the mirror? I see a woman who is sad and confused and tired of having her failures and lack shown to her through her relationships with friends and mentors. I see a woman who yearns for friendships that fulfill me and reflect to me the beauty that I am, that I can see shimmering in there and brings it out big, bold and brilliant. A woman who longs for relationships that show me where I'm successful. I see a woman who feels lost in a vast sea of... nothingness... nothing recognizable to hold onto. I see a woman who is strong beyond belief and tired of using that strength to stand on her own. I see a woman who longs to be held.

And, as I write this, feeling vulnerable and small, all I can do is breathe. And, somehow, that doesn't seem to be enough.

A Letter...

Megan...

Driving along this morning, I drove past several homes for sale. I had a flashback moment (sorta strange while driving!) that took me back to the first house C and I purchased. It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. So unloved, uncared for and miserable. It sorta matched where I was in my life, where WE were in our marriage. He had grand plans for the house. I didn't want it. I never wanted it. I felt like white trash when I would pull into the driveway and look at the unkempt yard and the weeds everywhere that were beyond my ability to control. Every living thing I planted in the area I had cleared for flowers was choked out. I was so, so sad there. I hated it. I hated my life.

As I thought about this house, I thought about how ugly it was. I thought about the violence that occured there and all the dreams that never materialized. I remembered, for some reason, the carpet. It was the most hideous grey textured stuff through the whole house that was stained and disgusting. No amount of my continual vaccuuming resolved the issues. Eventually, I gave up even trying. He and I had picked out a beautiful, yet inexpensive, navy blue plush carpet that was going to replace the nightmare that adorned the floors there. That never happened. The fixed dishwasher never happened. The replaced tile never happened. The fixed bathroom never happened. Nothing ever happened there except for, one night, by some miracle, Kait was conceived.

I felt sad as I thought about this house and, especially that carpet. I heard his father saying to him while I was in another room, "Your wife has champagne taste on a beer budget." I wondered about that then. I still do. I never wanted the horrible house and it looked far from "champagne taste" but his father seemed to see that in the house, in me.

As I remembered that, with tears in my eyes this morning, it dawned on me. I have a belief running that "he" will provide for me - my dad, my boyfriends, my husbands. Somehow, I never equated the "he" to God, but I think that's what they kept trying to teach me in church. At any rate, "he" is supposed to keep me safe. "He's" supposed to house me, clothe me and feed me. "He's" supposed to provide for me.

However, what has happened in my life is that "he" has left me. Every one of them have left me. Left me to figure it out on my own and I just don't know how. I'm sitting here at my desk in the office of my ex-husband wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to do! I don't understand and I don't know how. I'm inadequate and uneducated in the realms of providing for myself and MAKING THIS FUCKING LIFE WORK. I don't know how to do it and what has evolved is that I have landed myself back at my dad's house and in employment for C and... neither of them are really "providing for me". I appreciate that I have a safe place to sleep. I appreciate that I, somewhat, have a job. Everything though feels strangely empty.

Megan, I don't know what to do with this. I don't know how to provide for me and I'm tired of waiting for someone to do it for me. Cuz, I get the point... NO ONE can provide for me. I must do that myself, for myself.

Help.

-Angie

Smiling...

I have an amazing life.
I have created an amazing life.
I am loving my life.
That is all today.
And that seems like a lot to me!

Wide Awake

It's currently 2:20 am.
I cannot sleep.

Let it Rock!

The night was every description of perfect. Amazing weather. Beautiful people. Energy that was soothing AND energizing at the same time. People showed up in droves and stayed most of the night. Everywhere I turned, there was the face of someone I loved. People loved my art and went home with their favorite piece - or pieces. It was an astounding experience.

This morning, as I prepare this update for you, I feel a curious mixture of heavy, unmovable and alert. I am experiencing myself today with the sensation of being full of cement, my body being reluctant to bend and sway. After the exhilaration of last week which showed up as the inability to sleep for several nights, I imagine that is the biggest reason why I am feeling the effect of gravity with monumental intensity.

I feel so blessed to have created this breathtaking experience for myself and those who chose in to experiencing it with me. I had people show up that were friends of friends, that I had never met before. I had blogging friends show up (Hi, Lynn!) that I had no idea would be in attendance and felt so excited to meet. I had many of my ALC buddies there and they stayed for the bulk of the night, adding laughter and connection to the event. My local, immediate family members were all there. And, how cool is this???! Three different people I knew from high school and haven't seen since, showed up simply because they had seen my information on facebook and felt excited to support me! Two of my beautiful friends (Hi, Liz and Nichol!) showed up first thing and stayed all the way through, offering me a home base where I could touch down and regroup every now and then. My former husband, his wife and his architectural designer friends came and, a little later, one of his employee's and his wife and step daughter did too. My lifetimes-long soul connection (Love you!) also offered his presence and strength, warming my heart and holding me up with his smile.

By the end of the night, my emotions were running so full, I was overflowing. There were no words. I could only cry. The love and the appreciations bubbled out of me in tears as people hugged me good night. I felt kerfuffled and, yet, peaceful. It was the most complete I have felt in a long while and I created it all! The feedback I received from practically everyone was, "You are radiating love and glowing. You are absolutely beautiful."

My mentors, Megan and Annabeth, as they were leaving both hugged me close. I could feel their appreciation and, knowing how much they have witnessed of my journey, I knew they could feel what I was experiencing. Annabeth could only say over and over, "This is SO big! I'm so proud of you! I love you!"

Megan stood in front of me and asked, "How do you feel?"

There were no words, however. So I showed her. She gets my body-movement language and I showed her what I was feeling as tears ran down my face. She smiled and said, "Draw that, Ang! Create that image. That is your million dollar piece of art!"

Indeed it is! Talk about a night of continual chivels!!!

I've said it before and I'm gonna say it again now... LIFE IS GOOD!

I LOVE MY LIFE!

"Hanging the Show" 12/31/08

WOW!

I feel overflowing with joy and excitement and abundance and glimmering, sparkling beauty! The day is crystal clear, not a cloud in sight. I feel refreshed and rejuvenated and prosperous. I feel mischievous and creative and appreciative.

I am full of gratitude for how beautifully I am creating my life. In the last 24 hours, the support and love that has shown up for me has taken my breath away. I have gentle tears streaming down my face as I breathe in the power of myself and let the gratitude wash over me and into the atmosphere.

Five hours until I open. wow...

As I stood in line at the paper store, getting the poly bags for my art, I was sandwiched between two men. (whew! I feel sexual! LOL) The one at the register, John, recognized the one behind me, (I'll call him Bob). This is how the scene played out...

John: Oh! Hey! How are you?
Bob: I'm good! How about you?
Angie: *musing to self* I love it when men who tower two feet over my head carry on conversations over my head as if I'm not here.
John: Good, good.
Bob: You still working where you used to?
John: Nah. I started my own company.
Bob: Really? Whatcha doin?
John: I'm a print broker.
Angie: *snickers louder than planned. feels startled when they both look at her accusatorily. feeling chagrined and embarrassed, offers an apology.* Sorry. I could have sworn you said 'PIMP' broker.
*both men laugh loudly. men's conversation continues on. during a natural pause, Angie butts in.*
Angie: What does a print broker do?
John: I am the man that you come to when you have products that need printing. I get you matched with the correct materials and printing company.
Angie: *eyebrows arching as the significance of this meeting sets in* Seriously? Do you work with artists?
John: Absolutely.
Angie: Can I have a business card?
John: Absolutely. Are you an artist?
Angie: *grinning like a three year old high on sugar* Absolutely. Tonight is my first show opening.
John: *raising his eyebrows* Congratulations! Seriously, give me a call! Let's get you hooked up.

Yep! I love my life!!!

Nuggets and Pieces

"The Missing Piece" - (c) Angie K. Millgate 2008

As I have ventured into this New Year, (What? Yes, I know we are only 2 days in, but every day counts in things like this!) I have discovered some new things about myself. Or, perhaps they are old things that I am just now recognizing or re-recognizing.

At any rate, I have discovered some interesting glitches in my system, hitches in my giddy-up. They came through in the form of questions I had arise during a conversation with one of my best friends, Karen, following a joint-venture New Year's Eve celebration that ended up being sqwonky and completely contrary to what either of us had wanted to create. They are things that I would like to acknowledge by writing out here for my hands, head, ears and eyes to experience. This is part of my process... writing it out so that the answers can come. In faith I do so now...

How is it that I can sit in a dangerous situation, knowing that it is so dangerous, and just sit there without moving? How can I be conscious that there is a figurative gun pointing at my head and, yet, I do nothing. It is not that I freeze. It's not that I faint. There is no fear response. There is simply... nothing. I can see and feel in the moment that what I am experiencing is not something I want to be experiencing - sometimes I am even forewarned that I am going into a situation that is "not good" for me and do it anyway then I sit there, feeling it all, seeing it all, hearing it all and do nothing. It is as though there is a delay programmed into the part of my brain that brings action. What is that about?

When I find myself in a space I judge as dangerous, how am I able to see the others there as different than me? This one pains me. I have a tendency to look at the situation and "them" and tell myself that I'm there by accident, but they meant to be there. In that moment, I forget that I am creating my life in a way that landed me in the same place as "them." We are all in the same place. I am there too. There is a line from the movie Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai that has been continually running through my brain as of late: "Wherever you go, there you are." So, I am showing up in literal and figurative places where I feel uncomfortable and I become unwilling to look at why *I* am there, but am fully willing to judge why the others are there. What is that about?

What am I so scared about that I am unable to look at myself? I hold to the fact that everyone with whom I am in relationship are a mirror of who I am - whether it's an intimate relationship, a friendship, a partnership, a family relationship, an electronic friendship or a passing acquaintance. Conveniently, when I end up in places that are uncomfortable for me and I look at the others with derision, I forget that "those people" are my mirror. I forget - nay, I refuse - to look at the fact that they are mirroring myself to me. In talking with Karen, I realized that there are some pretty ugly aspects of myself that I am unable to even peek at and so, I end up in places where it is right there, undeniably clear in my face for me to see. And, even then, I make it about "them." What is that about?

How is it that I experience something coming to me, getting excited about it, celebrate it and then it turns the opposite direction before it ever arrives? This is a recurring pattern in my life. I get told that I've been invited to join a club, get to try it out one time and then get told I'm "not a fit after all." Or, I get excited about working with a new client who is excited about working with me and then... they never show up. Or I start a new "job" with a friend whom I have known forever and then, on one uninformed misstep in the beginning, I'm fired. Or I try out for a team, make it all the way to final cut and then get cut because I'm not tall enough. Or I can see an excellent working opportunity coming toward me, I get excited about it, I open up my arms to receive it and... nothing. What is that about?

What is it that holds me back from speaking my truth? Time and again, over things big and small, in my relationship with Karen (and several other really close friends) I have had moments where I have held my tongue for one reason or another. At times, it has caused huge arguments. At others, it has caused confusion. And, at others, it has resulted in one or both of us missing out on an opportunity of which we both wanted to partake. I discovered through the New Year's debacle that, had I spoken the idea that I was discounting as unimportant and silly, we would have done that instead of what we ended up doing. So... if I have had proven to me time and again the power of speaking my truth at all times even when I judge it to be unimportant, silly or small, why do I still not do it?

What is it in me that causes me to hang on to relationships that no longer serve me? When someone has moved on, why do I still pine for that person? This is a l-o-n-g standing pattern of mine (I imagine all of them are, but I am most familiar with this one) and one which I am hoping to reprogram immediately. I am exhausted from playing in this playground all of my life. And there isn't anything else to say about this one. I imagine that, if you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you have already picked up on this lovely number. Soooo... what is it?

In my conversation with Karen, I commented that it felt like it was one nugget of something that I was missing or not recognizing or refusing to see. And that that one nugget ran through all of these aspects of myself and was also an aspect of my journey with my body image. It feels like it is one tangible piece of me that has been misplaced or strewn too far thin or cast over the cliff and that one piece is the piece I need to find to recognize and resolve these patterns of destruction. Soooooo... where is it?

I commit to being continually curious and open to finding this nugget in loving and easeful ways and then gratefully incorporating it into my wholeness.

Breathing, Living

I am alive.

Some days, I am still shocked by that awareness. Some days, I am amazed by what it feels like to actually BE ALIVE rather than simply existing. I remember back, just over a year ago, when I had no idea that I wasn't alive, all while thinking I was. My life today in comparison to my life then is such a stark contrast.

I feel sad. I feel happy. I feel angry. I feel scared. I feel sexual. I FEEL. All of those experiences are mine by divine right and design. I am a human being entitled to feeling. And opening myself up to that experience has created the most beautiful kind of magic indeed.

I am appreciating myself for creating this life and am aware that my posts are beginning to sound monotonously peppy and all "Love and Light". I figure, I gotta get it when the getting is good, ya know. I am going to wallow in this delicious happiness and aliveness. And I am going to share it here because, I fear, there will come a time when the giddy sensations of aliveness will give way to duldrums and misery. And, if that dark cloud descends, I will have a spot of brightness to which I can return to remind me that...

I

CREATE

MY

REALITY

Soooooo... with that in mind, I'm creating myself beautiful today. How about you?