Moments of Awakenings

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If it Be Pleasing

"People Pleasing" has been of vital importance to me. I have choreographed my life around this and it has looked like "Gotta Do it Right" and "What Are the Rules so I CAN Do it Right?" and "Be My Friend." All of these have fallen under the lovely umbrella labeled simply, "Not Enough." The label is simple, indeed, but living UP (or down?) to that label is intense.

As I have sessioned with Jen and Nat and Megan, I've uncovered so much about what I have insisted DOING. I had no idea how roped into obligation I have been until Nat ran a script on me that seemed to last hours, all with "have to do" starting the sentence. I tell you what... I checked off ALL but two items she spoke and felt exhausted. It was an eye opening experience to know that I HAVE TO DO so you will like me and you will like me and even YOU will like me. I HAVE TO DO so that I am doing it right for everyone else.

Last night, Megan asked me to look at my Victim and then my Villain. As I stared at the Villain, my body clenched and twisted, turned and roiled. If possible, my body turned around backwards while my head stared straight ahead, taking in the vision of the Villain. I said, "It's so scary. I'm so scared of it." Then I realized it... "I am so scary. I am so scared of ME!"

Aspects of me that I am discovering are my Gifts have been areas where I've judged myself the most harshly, turned off and from which I have ran. I have ran from myself. Beautiful voice. Loving nature. Tender heart. Chamelon. Impressionable. Wiggly. Clairvoyance. Clairaudience. Clairsentience. Clairgustus. Clairessence. Touchy feely. Loving deeply, unconditionally, unendingly. As I begin to embrace these aspects of Me, I feel myself gathering into one place and growing big. I feel the longing to please you lessening. The grip of the need to be right and have you be my friend is loosening. I am sliding free.

Then I logged into the Prosperity Game and found this quote which seemed SO fitting for where I am this morning:

You cannot be all things to all people to keep them in the place of connection because it's not about you. Their connection is about them. Finally, with enough trial and error, you come away from it saying, "Oh, it's not my job to please them. It's their job to please them. It's my job to please me." It's your job to find vibrational harmony with you and You. Sometimes people hear us say these words, and they worry. They say, "Abraham, you teach selfishness." And we say, indeed we do, because if you're not selfish enough to connect to Source Energy, you don't have anything to give anybody anyway. They say, "But, we worry, if you teach people to just please themselves, then will not they be out there doing all kinds of abhorrent things that will negatively affect the rest of us?" And we say, any abhorrent things that they do, only affect them and others that are a vibrational match to them. They cannot assert themselves into your experience. Everything is about attraction. -Abraham-Hicks

I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I love you without end.

Amazing

I feel humbled...

I just facilitated an Awakening Session wherein my instructions were: Angie, you are to be silent. You will not say anything.

Of course, I wigged out and thought back to the voice: But if I am silent, how will my client know they are getting their money's worth?

The answer was: You are to be silent. Be present to channel the information and love through you. What comes through you is for your client's eyes, ears and soul only. You will receive no other guidance than this: Be silent.

I felt afraid. I am usually very interactive with my clients, so this was new to me. Just before I laid my hands on her, I had the thought: I really wonder if I should change my prices to just say "Awakening Sessions" $100 instead of price break downs for minutes which I never adhere to anyway...

The session was beautifully peaceful, loving and tender. I felt so honored to be in the midst of such a sacred occurence. At the end, as tears flowed down her face, I told her what I had been instructed. She smiled and understood completely, saying, "It was exactly what I needed! Thank you!"

As she walked out of my office, she handed me a check. It was for forty dollars more than it should be. I stumbled over my words, trying to tell her it wasn't the right amount, that she had paid too much. Her answer: I was instructed to pay you $100.00.

Humbled, indeed...

Silent Drifting

Beyond the pane of glass

Silent, Drifting Down

The snow kisses the sky

Kisses the air

Kisses the ground

Shielding in white

The green of autumn grass

The blanket of gold and orange

Secreted beneath

Insulating cold warmth

The silence filters into my life

Where my walls

My protectors

My past

My yearnings

My memories

My knowledge of who I am

All of it and all of me

Silent, Drifting down

And slowly out

To make way for the new

Never the same

Never the old

Never to return to the patterns

That were a kaleidoscope

Meshing pain and joy

Until I did not know where one

Ended

And where one

Began

I am new

Alive

And my breath lifts on

Silent, Drifting wings

©akm 10/21/07

Wish List

Last night I decided to catch a toss. The tosser invited me to write a Wish List for Love. I did.

As I was compiling my list, I was surprised at what was coming to the surface for recognition. I was certain that it was going to be driven by physical attributes of the other person. However, that is not what showed up.

About three-fourths of the way through, I stopped and my breath caught. I glanced over the list and wondered....

Hmmmmmmmmm... am I compiling a list of attributes I want my lover to possess or is this a list of attributes I want me to possess?

Ah! Be the change I want to see in the world.

Yet again, I get it.

Money Money Money

Last night I had the opportunity to hold over $6000 in cash. A friend had opted to share his experience of his wealth. When I held that money in my hand, I felt a calming sense of respect and gratitude. I also realized that the money in my hands was a symbol, it was energy. As I held the money, my hands burst into Reiki fire and I realized that I hold energy in my hands every day. It was in that moment that I knew that I understood money.

~~~~~~~~

This morning as I stopped to get a bottle of water, I was waiting in a line that went from the front of the convenience store to the back and there was only one checker to help us all. Eventually, as the natives began to get restless, the other checker sauntered up. In her hand she held a bundle of cash about four inches thick. She set that bundle of cash on the counter for all to see and went about her business of helping customers. Meanwhile, all that cash sat there, on the countertop for the entire time I was in there. I wondered... have they not taught their employees to be more protective of their money???

~~~~~~~~

The other day I had to run to the bank to pull money out of my account to pay rent. My daughter, sitting in the back seat said, “Momma, where are we going?”

I said, “Gotta go get money from the bank to pay rent.”

“Oh.” She said. “That’s good. Cuz usually we go to Check City to get money for rent!”

Mantis

A few days ago, for some reason, I had the image of a praying mantis pop into my head. I don’t know why it was there, I only remember wondering about how long it had been since I had seen one and when would I see another. I am very curious about those creatures.

Last night, as I left for Life Skills, I got in the car, drove out of my parking space and began to leave the parking lot. As I did so, I remembered that I did not have my schedule with me. I am committed to having that with me at all times for obvious reasons that were eluding me for longer than I want to admit to you. Because of that commitment, and although it would possibly make me late – which, it didn’t... interesting – I turned around, parked, turned off the car, and ran up the stairs.

There, as I ran up the stairs, I noticed an odd object affixed to the side of my porch light. I paused and stared. What’s this? Yes. It was a Praying Mantis! I felt happy that he was there and was so curious about his appearance and what it possibly symbolized for me. I shared my discovery with my daughter who begged to go see it, even after I had started the car and backed out. Fearing tardiness, I said “no” and stated I was certain he would still be there when we got home. Her face fell and I realized that one more minute would not make or break me and allowed her to jump out to see it.

When we arrived home, Mr. Mantis was still there. I was so excited to see him and ran inside to pull out my Native American animal totem book, “Animal Speak” by Ted Andrews. I read about the Mantis and was delighted to discover the correlation to tonight: Mantis is the Power of Stillness... It spoke of the link between martial arts and the Mantis and I have been yearning to begin training in martial arts. It stated... Through learning to still the outer mind and go within, we can draw upon greater power... Mantis teaches how to still the outer so that when it is time to act (in any form) it is done with surety, accuracy, and great power... dictionary states mantis comes from Greek word meaning “Prophet...” We can learn to use the stillness in varying degrees – whether for creativity or healing – and this is part of what Mantis teaches.

Then this part jumped out at me: Are you being impatient? Are you needing help meditating and quieting the outer mind? Are you missing opportunities to grasp life’s rewards because you act or speak to hastily?

And then I understood... I am forgetting the EASY part! I am doing all the “work” and the “play” and the “action.” I am forgetting to REST! I am forgetting to be STILL and OPEN TO RECEIVING and therefore the money has no place to land.

WOW!

Last night I went out and thanked Mr. Mantis – who was still sitting there, patiently waiting – for the gentle reminder to be still. Then I intentionally rested for receiving money abundantly. This morning, Mr. Mantis was still there and it was a most amazing way to start off my day!

Burning

Small World

As I sigh, I discover it can be heard on the other side of the globe.

As I breathe, I realize there are others that breathe with me.

As I move, I find that my movement causes others to move as well.

As I awaken, I become aware of the intimate smallness of my world
and the vast wealth of opportunities

that are mine for the embracing.

One step... one small step at a time
and I find myself in a place I have never been before.

Conversations

This morning, as part of my Happy Practice, I chose to use five minutes of my time to share gratitude with the Universe.

At first, I was being silent and just speaking inside my head. I found that, when I did that, my mind strayed easily. So I changed tactics.

I lay upon my bed, arms spread wide, eyes open and spoke my heart out.

As I spoke, I found a profound sense that the Universe was listening.

I continued on, feeling myself thicken into the delicious sensations of gratitude. The atmosphere in my home and outside my window was silent and welcoming.

I spoke aloud, "I am enough," in a slow, languorous

Just outside my window, a bird responded back in the same rhythm.

I spoke aloud, "I have enough," pausing between the strength of the word "have" and enough.

The bird responded alike.

I spoke the sentences each two more times, using different rhythms and speeds. Each time, that bird replied and matched me.

Tears fell to my pillow as I realized that the Universe was not only listening, but was actually carrying on a conversation with me.

God is really there.

Anarchy in the Morning

Anarchy in the Morning

I arose at exactly 3:25 am. In the world of Numerology, that is a 10, which, according to wikipedia, is the number of “rebirth.” It has been stated in the metaphysical world that magical things happen between 3:00-3:30am and that if you wake during this time, you have the ability to channel amazing creative gifts.

I have come to recognize the call that pulls me from the depths of sleep at that wee hour of the morning – the time when, seemingly, the entire world is still blanketed in a heavy hush that is not even interrupted by the song of an ambitious bird. I know when I awake in a rush of knowing, images from my dreams vivid and hot before my eyes and my hand aching for a pen to capture them, that there is something waiting for me. There is something that will be revealed. There is a part of my calling here on Earth being handed to me.

This morning, when my eyes flew open, I felt disoriented because I was in my bed instead of the car I had been driving in circles over sidewalks and up and down curbs to the delight of my friend. I had seen images that I am meant to capture and reveal to the world, although I do not know how and feel unconfident that I have the skills to do so. I had received a message that was meant to be shared. I felt energized and inadequate all at the same time.

For two minutes I lay there, eyes clenched shut and willing myself back to sleep. I knew, if I rolled over and gave in to the need to write it out and open up to that creative channel for all that would follow, all sleeping would cease. Sometimes, if I choose to ignore the call, I can go back to sleep – a fitful, unfulfilling sleep, but sleep nonetheless. This morning, however, that would not be the case.

I awoke full-heartedly and wrote out all I could remember. I wrote parts of the message that still foggily lingered in my head, in faith that the full message would come to me when I sat at the computer to truly write it. As soon as I opened to the channel, the images and ideas poured through non-stop. My hand would stop writing, I would feel a moment of relief and sigh as I glanced at the clock and realized I could still get some sleep. I would lay my head down, close my eyes, breathe deep and welcome sleep, only to be bombarded with more ideas.

When it appeared the information was complete, it was 5:00 am. I knew if I attempted to fall asleep then, I would only get another hour or so of sleep and I would be irritable all day long. I felt energized as it was and decided to get a jump on the dawn. In the shower, I planned out my morning. I would stop on the way to the office to grab some yogurt – which I was craving and I found that to be odd – and some juice. I planned, since it was on the way, to stop at the Walmart down the street from my office.

I arrived at 5:59 am – exactly one minute before opening, although I didn’t plan that.

A significant crowd had already gathered in front of the locked doors surrounding the darkened lobby. Many of them were anxiously pacing, while continually glancing at their watches and pointedly observing the “hours” sign which plainly stated the store opened at 6:00 am every day.

I chose to stay in my car, listen to my stereo and use the few moments until opening to apply a dosage of mascara and a brush of foundation powder. With that done, there was still no sign of admittance so I turned up my radio and sang to one of my favorite songs.

However, the natives were getting restless.

At 6:10, I mistakenly thought I saw the lights dawning brightly in the lobby so I wandered near to the door only to find it had been an optical illusion. Now, though, near the door, I could feel the palpable energy of what the hell... why aren’t they letting me in? that was brewing in the crowd. One woman was actually standing with her nose pressed to the glass, glaring at the people inside.

I stood across the parking lot watching the crowd and observing the convincingly oblivious personnel inside the store. One employee continually walked across the darkened lobby with her yellow-plastic-bristled broom – not sweeping, just carrying it – seemingly unaware that there was a wall of glass through which a growing crowd of impatient shoppers were stalking her.

A man appearing to be a manager of sort walked into the darkened lobby and back out. Someone turned on the lights around 6:12. The manager walked back into the lobby and, suddenly, it was as if he could magically see through the glass. He glanced up at the lights, at the door, pointed at it and called over his shoulder to a nearby manager who had been bent over a cart, relaxed, chatting and laughing with an un-uniformed woman. The manager’s chatty female friend tossed her head back and laughed as everyone near them lamely opened their hands, tilted their heads and shrugged, I don’t know.

I swallowed a giggle as I heard the murmurings rumble through the agitated group. Not good.

Two minutes later, a diminutive woman toddled around the corner and pulled the coiled forearm band from her armpit and down her arm, keys visibly clanking against one another as she fumbled the key around in the lock of the exit door first. Go figure. She manually and forcibly opened the electronic sliding door and the angry mob about plowed over her in their rush to get inside.

For one instant, I wondered if I had missed an important notice. Was there some sort of secret HUGE shopping extravaganza going on that I didn’t know about and only happened to be there for it on accident? Or were these people just this pent up already at 6:14 in the morning?

I waited until the scuttle was over and had the impulse to lend the woman a hand as she climbed out of the silk ficus trees into which she had climbed to avoid being crushed.

Inside, the store was a madhouse. They were doing inventory and stocking shelves at the same time. Everywhere you turned there was an obstacle to overcome to reach the items you needed. Stock boys pulled massive, creaking stacks of boxes on straining, rolling carts – gigantic cardboard ants crawling over a picnic. A cacophony of sounds filled the air; explosions of fists going through empty boxes to flatten them; slicing and sluicing razors through packing tape; groaning and sighing from the employee’s laborious and frenetic assignments.

With a dash, several dodges and numerous bobs, I found my yogurt, juice and grabbed some graham crackers for good measure. Then I strolled to the front – well, as “strolled” as I could while being on guard for my life – only to find one check stand open. The checker – notoriously the slowest checker in the entire store – running the express lane was still organizing her money from the bag into the till. Not only was she slow, she was damn ornery. She always is.

I smiled.

People in front of me and behind me tapped their toes and jangled their keys as if their frenzy would somehow convince her to step it up. I knew it wouldn’t.

Another ten minutes later – with only two customers and a total of three items before me – I was out the door, smiling and stifling a giggle, yet again. After all that, I was glad I was still able to smile. It meant I would have an amazing day.

I drove out of the parking lot, scaring a local pigeon from dining upon the Big Mac unappetizingly smashed into the asphalt, and into the morning sun that had risen to peek over the mountains while I had been witnessing the anarchy.

Yes! It is a beautiful day!