Uglies

I was at my daughter's school last Friday, celebrating Solsite and perusing their library. She had shown me a book she had checked out this week and it caught my attention. I wanted to read it too. Uglies by Scott Westerfield is an intriguing YA fiction work about conformity and individuality. I am having a grand time reading it and sharing the experience with my daughter.

Speaking of ugly, the sky is that today. It's heavy-laden with dirty snow just waiting to pound the Salt Lake valley. I felt sad for the driver of the Chevy truck towing a full-size equipment trailer. She had misjudged the road on a curve, slammed into the cement embankment, spun perpindicular to the dividers and had plummeted across the ravine getting high centered, breaking her rear axle and descimating two of the four rear tires on the trailer. There was seemingly no hope of ever getting her out of the predicament and only room enough for one car at a time to get around her. Thankfully, she walked away from the crash without any apparent injuries. I felt grateful that I was driving a small car that I know well. And, also, that I had not lost my head and was driving a proper speed for the icy weather.

Ye-eah... I ain't got much else this morning. My head is already into work mode so I am going to go with that. It happens so rarely, ya know!

Decisions

I made a decision about two weeks ago that I struggled with for about two weeks until I made it. I chose to return to work, part time and on my terms, with my old boss. Now... before you explode into a tizzy on my behalf, know that everything is going to be okay. The time apart has given us both time to grow in appreciation. It has also given me time to get clear about what I want for myself and what he truly needs from me. It has given me time to spread my wings, feel that freedom and know that that soaring freedom is where I want to live my life.

Going back to work for a few hours every week will give me the cushion I need to get back on track financially. It will relieve some of the money stress and allow me to free up the energy needed to continue to propel me forward. I feel excited and alive when I think about this venture and, actually, very surprised that I feel that way.

Things are a mess there and I feel sad about that. I had things running smoothly, had created amazing relationships with most of the vendors and had a well-oiled protocol. Things that I had taught her step-by-step for specific reasons have not been followed. I am all about using one's creativity to find new ways to do things at work as long as the creativity enhances the process rather than hindering. Ya know?

At any rate... I am back. I feel peaceful, surprisingly enough, about the decision. I feel empowered and... yeah... mostly, I feel at peace.

In This Moment...

I have mentioned before that my journey for the last 3 1/2 months has really been about staying in the moment. I have noticed that any time I begin to wonder how I am going to pay the next outstanding bill, I go into huge fear. Each time that has happened, one of my friends has shown up and has said something along the lines of, "Are you okay right now?" There is a lot to be said for the policy of staying in the here and now.

However...

The truth of the matter is, I have been giving it a go at being self-employed for almost four months now and, during that time, the money has generally not flowed inward. I was able to float for the first two months because I had two full paychecks when I left and talked with all of my creditors about deferring payments. They all gave me a 60-day grace period so it turned out beautifully. And then I did the whole fiasco of working with a client without a contract, put in all that time and didn't end up getting paid one dime. Ugh... that one still hurts.

I recently asked one of my friends, "Is it truly possible to live in my genius and get paid for doing so? Because, so far, I'm only seeing that I finagled my way through the first two months and nothing different has shown up since then."

I feel scared about that. I have moments when I have felt really magical and money has shown up in those moments. But the moments are brief and far between. I have moments when I look at my checking account and feel grateful that not even once have I gone into overdraft. Then there are days (like today) when I look at my checking account feel stark terror because the next bill that is coming out (tomorrow) far exceeds the amount in the account and, as far as I know right now, there is no money coming in.

I really wanted this to work out for me. I held space for the magic to happen and I stayed in the moment. I recognized my fears. I gave them expression. And... well... damn. I can't pay my bills now. It just seems... wrong.

*sigh*

(See! Told you the perennial peppiness would soon die off! Ugh!)

Naming My Price

Many, many years ago, I worked for a group of doctors on the executive end of operations. I was personal assistant to the CEO and the CFO, as well as the Executive Chairman of the Board. It was an intense job, working with so many Gods all at once. In addition, the bulk of them were radiologists. Radiologists are a unique breed. Most of them chose their specialities specifically because it did NOT require them to have any sort of bedside manner. Thus, their PR skills sucked.

At any rate, that is not the point of my post today. It was merely fluff to entertain you. Are you entertained?

I am.

Okay... so while I worked for this group, before the smaller group joined a larger group of doctors and we went from being a mom-n-pop organization to a mammoth group akin to horrific corporate America, they hired a director who was a bitch from hell. In one month flat, she came in and the entire morale of the company tanked to painfully low levels. It was as if the light of the whole place had been sucked out and we were just one big, energy-draining, life-zapping black hole.

During this painful period, I felt myself wallowing in the dark and watching the Administrator - who was a woman whom I had come to love dearly - crash to depths of self beat-up unlike anything I could have imagined with her, all due to the presence of the Amazing Director. The doctors loved the beast of a woman and they willingly kissed her ass, all the while she was pridefully dismantling their entire organization behind their backs.

One day the Administrator and I were going through information regarding retirement. The doctors wanted a new plan and had assigned us the task of researching it. In the process of researching, I came across an ad that had a picture of a lake in autumn with a small row boat anchored to a cozy pier. The caption read...

How Much is Your Peace of Mind Worth?

With tears in my eyes, I cut it out and posted it where I could see it every day. I knew, already, that I was on my way out of there although it would take me about 18 more months to make the leap.

For over three months now, I have been making a go at being self-employed. It has been a moment to moment thing for me wherein I have reminded myself: In this moment I am safe. In this moment, everything I need is taken care of. In this moment, I have enough money. I would talk to myself like this literally each and every moment in the beginning.

The money flow has virtually stopped coming in. I am curious about that and wondering if I am hindering myself. Now I am facing the possibility of going back to work for someone else. I am terrified by the prospect, wondering if I will be able to pull it off - especially since I have had the taste of living in my genius. I am wondering if I will be able to still do all that I am doing, be all that I am being AND do a job.

In a business meeting the other night, the marketing pro I was interviewing to be a part of my near-future business venture said to me, "It's a proven fact that most people fail because they just give up too early." And so I am wondering... is me taking on a job giving up too early?

I am looking at my options. What do I want to create? How do I want it to look? How do I want to feel? How do I want the universe to support me? How do I want the money to come in? What amount of money do I want to create? I feel like I am in a different space now, when it comes to finding and taking a job. I feel more empowered and I now know in my body just how much my peace of mind is worth.

It's priceless.

That Sound You Hear is a Sigh...

And it is a great big sigh.

I just learned a lesson that cost me over a thousand dollars.

Here. Let me share the lesson with you...

When doing business with someone EVEN if (or maybe, especially if) they are a friend...

GET A FUCKING CONTRACT SIGNED FIRST!!!

Ye-eah. That is all I have to say today.

Oh So Close

I'm almost there. Close enough to the finish line that I can just make out the yellow ribbon. It is a faint strip of lightness on the horizon, but it is there.

Oh... thank the merciful God(dess) for that!

Stacks

They are everywhere, these stacks. It happened when BossMan decided we were going to shift around offices. Here's a stack in front of me. A stack to the side of me. One behind me. Some down the hall. Some around the corner. They are everywhere. The most defeating aspect of all is they seem to be growing and multiplying rather than shrinking and disappearing. Add that to my frustration regarding the fact that I have averaged 10 extra hours every week working here since I hired my replacement and you can imagine that I am feeling overwhelmed. I was silly to think I would immediately notice a decrease, I guess. What I am afraid is happening is there is more stuff getting stacked around me to do and I am going to notice, suddenly one day, that I cannot get out.

AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!