More from FHS 1500-042

I am really enjoying this class and loving the papers I get to write for it. Here is another one I'm proud of:


For most of my life, the terminologies “self-understanding” and “self-esteem” were something I understood on some level in my brain, but didn’t understand as an overall concept. When people would talk to me about these concepts or ask me if I had good self-esteem, I would stare at them blankly, having no idea if I did or did not. In reading our text, the definition of self-esteem helped me to understand that self-esteem is actually how I view myself as a whole. (Santrock, 2008, p. 395)

The definition of self-understanding, however, was seemingly vague and I had to really ponder what it meant for me as I contemplated the words: “the cognitive representation of the self, the substance of self-conceptions.” (Santrock, 2008, p. 388) When I read that, I stared at the book for quite some time without any understanding of what it meant. I appreciated the examples as I read on and came to realize that self-understanding is how I categorize the roles I play in the world: I am a daughter, a sister, a mother, a dancer, a student, a teacher, a healer, an adult, etc.

When I was eight years old, I believed that my world was perfect and, for the most part, it was. It wasn’t until I got to be in my late 30’s that I began seeing that life was not as perfect as I thought it was. While I did not suffer from abuse, neglect or unkindness, both of my parents had as children. They each made a conscious choice to treat their children differently and therefore my siblings and I were simmered in an atmosphere of love and safety.

However, as I have grown up, I've exhibited signs of childhood abuse. This has led me down a very curious path of discovery and has helped me to develop some intensive healing work for my clients. In the process of self-discovery in the last decade, I have asked myself several times about my self-esteem, self-love and self-understanding at various stages in my life.

What I’ve come to understand is that, as an eight year old, my life WAS divine. I was loved. I was cared for. I had a roof over my head and a bed in which I slept safely at night. I had food in my belly and plenty in the cupboards. I was enrolled in dance and witnessed my parents supporting my siblings and me in whatever we chose to do. At eight, I was the epitome of self-love. I thought I was a pretty cool kid. My self-esteem was high, but I didn’t really know who I was. I had self-understanding in that I was able to see and understand the categories in which I fit – daughter, sister, dancer, student, etc – but I had no idea who I was outside those labels and had an innate feeling that I was more than what the labels indicated.

Not knowing who I was continued on throughout my life, as did the feeling that I was more than my labels. As a teenager, I deeply disliked myself. Fourteen years old, for me, was a tumultuous, painful period of my life. I felt like an outcast and never fit in with the girls in my new neighborhood. They all had boyfriends. No boys liked me and, instead, they teased or ignored me. I was short and my body was curvaceous. My friends’ bodies were lengthy and tiny. I felt fat and ugly and unwanted. My self-love was at an all-time low, as was my self-esteem. Although I still was very conscious of my categories – student, daughter, sister, dancer, in puberty, etc – there was an underlying current of “misfit” in every aspect of my life. There was no way I could have understood myself and neither could anyone around me.

Today, around 28 years later, I would say that the last 13 years have taught me who I am and I’ve developed a self-understanding that is the foundation of who I am now. This self-understanding has created ground from which I can build self-love and self-trust and it is more than the categories with which I identify for my life. I’ve found a deep, soul-level understanding of myself that goes beyond the boundaries of earthly categories and labels. I understand myself and I utterly love the woman I am and the journey that I have travelled to become this woman. While I’ve done a lot in my life that many people did not understand, I’m grateful for every step of the way and esteem myself for being brave enough to become the woman I am.

Appreciation #156/365

*MY BOOK HAS BEEN PUBLISHED!!!! To find more information about "Above the Clouds" visit: Earth Friendly Publishing. *Restful sleep. *A new day ahead... what magic will it bring? *My beautiful daughter. *Falling in love. Over and over again. With me! *The scents of autumn. *The sights of autumn. *The sounds of autumn. -Feeling SO grateful to BE ALIVE!

Grace in Small Things

Blank

I'm sitting here at the computer, staring at the keys and feeling just as blank as the computer monitor before me. I feel as though there "should be" something to write, like it's lurking there in the dark recesses of my mind just beyond where I can reach. I feel as though there is brilliance waiting to shine forth, but... buuuuuuuut... I cannot tap into it.

Writer's block.

I get it very rarely, but when I do it's an uncomfortable sensation. I am passionate about writing. It comes to me in the quiet moments, in the loud moments, in the chaotic moments, in the dark moments. My writing is always there. So when I cannot access it, I feel scared. And you get to read posts like this... posts about not being able to write.

Actually, this post here? It's a process. I am facing into my fear about writing. My fear that my writing sucks. My fear that writing is a waste of my time. My fear about the fact that I am not being paid to sit here and write this drivel. My fear my fear my fear my fear

The hope in this post is that, after I publish it, the block will be released and I will be bright and witty again. It always hasn't happened that way in the past, but I can still hope for it to do so today.

I stayed in my pajamas all day yesterday. All day. It felt good. I took a nap in the afternoon. A nap, mind you! That felt good too. I checked in with myself as I burrowed under the blankets to snooze off into nappy land. Am I hiding from something? Is this what this nap is about? Nah. I wasn't hiding. I was tired. Tired from staying up until all hours of the night creating magical art. Stuff that is really blowing my socks off and stuff that is capturing my imagination, my focus and running with me. Stuff that is really, really, really good stuff! And I am getting very little sleep because of it.

Perhaps that lack of sleep could be why there is a lack of words. (Ha! A lack of words? Only a writer could fill an entire page with words about having no words!!! LOL)

Okay. Life IS good. I am alive. I am creating. I am breathing. I am collaborating.

I remember now!

No-No NaNo

Something magical happened when I started the NaNoWriMo adventure. I decided, about halfway through, that I didn't care if I hit the goal or not. How is that magical, you ask? Well, it's like this... I gave myself permission to have fun with this project - a new thing for me when I am facing a deadline. And I decided that if I didn't get close to 50,000 words in this month, I was okay with that because I wanted to enjoy the process. I got about 1/5 the way there because I ended up dedicating a lot less time to it than I originally had estimated, but what has come out has been amazing.

I am excited about this story which has no name and no outline and no known plot as of yet. I am loving the characters that are showing up in full color and fully-formed personalities. I am loving the landscape of the story, the textures, the nuances, the language. I am appreciating the way it is unfolding in my mind as my fingers fly across the keys.

I imagine I could spend the next four days, straight, and crank out the remaining words of the necessary 50,000 just so I can say that I completed the task. However, I'm wondering if I will still enjoy the story that is slowly, magically revealing itself to me. Who knows. Perhaps I will get a bug in my ear, curl up on my bed with my computer on my lap and get it all out later today and tomorrow. Maybe I will.

Or maybe, just maybe, I will continue to give myself the permission to go slowly and surely with it. Maybe, for once, I will lovingly embrace the Procrastinator within me, rather than shaming and condemning her. Yeah. Maybe I will do that!

NaNoWriMo Madness

A few weeks ago, I received an email from my sister with one line: "Thought maybe you would get a kick out of this. Sounds fun!" and a link: http://www.nanowrimo.org/. For gits and shiggles, I decided to check it out, read through the FAQ's and laughed til I was blue in the face. I was instantly hooked. Writing a 50,000-word novel in 30 days?! Hell yeah!

So I have joined the insanity of NaNoWriMo and I'm loving it. Pluggin' along, I've got myself a WHOPPING 249 words. Yeeeeehawwww! There is something about writing with abandon, having the only rule be "QUANTITY, not quality" and just going for it. It's quite liberating.

I ask that you send me support. I have NO IDEA what I am going to write, but I am completely charged. I think I am going for a fantasy novel based on some of my guided imagry images. I feel excited about that. Support looks like checking in with me via email (if you are a friend, you have that already). Or commenting here. I will post my word count as I go forward, every few days and I would love encouragement to go forward. My goal is to FINISH this race. I want to hit the 50,000 word mark, just to see if I can do it in 30 days. My book, Above the Clouds, is over 76,000 words, but it took me ten years to perfect it. LOL

Also, another way to support me would be to donate to the cause. You can do that by clicking the graphic above. YAY!

Creativity Practice

I have joined a mentoring program with Gay Hendricks. I am SO stoked about it! By the end of the program, I will be a published author! I am beyond excited.

They talk about the "Creative Practice" and that this is something that can be done for 10 minutes each day. I used to have a creative practice while I was working. It was this here blog! Thing is, I rarely wrote for a mere 10 minutes. I used it as a way to escape my life drama. The life drama I was so excellent at creating and feeding.

Now that I am out of that unending spiral of drama - thank God(dess) for that! - I have ran into things that have halted that daily practice. First and foremost, for most of the time I have been away from my job, I have not had internet access readily available. That makes it difficult to post to a blog. I am also so busy with my own businesses that, by the time I get to internet access I am ready to work and get things done. I have made blogging a secondary issue.

While pondering the idea of a creative practice, I have realized that I have creativity flowing through me every day, now - almost every moment of every day. What I am understanding though, is that this is a focused period of time set aside SPECIFICALLY to practice creativity in new ways. Blogging is not a new way, but it is something I love. I commit to picking up that process again and adding it into the mix of my focused creative practice.

I love my life!

WOW!!! and the Meditation of the Week

I have a MySpace page, in case you didn't know. I have had a lot of bizarre e-encounters with "friends" who have requested my friendship through MySpace. A while back, I went through and released a lot of my friends, bringing it down to a more manageable and believeable number for myself. I have become very selective on who I now accept into my friendship circle. (In the hopes of minimizing the bizarreness) I no longer accept friendships from random bands who are seeking to increase their "fan base." I no longer accept friendship from anyone I do not know or do not have friends that I recognize from my own base.

So... today, I log into MySpace and I have two friendship requests. As par for my course now, I opened the profiles of these maybe-future-friends. The first one seems to be some sort of environmentally friendly dude that is into all things natural. Sorta along my line of thinking and although I didn't see anyone I knew there, I liked his space. It felt nice. One new friend. Wahoo!

The second one, I was curious about. A beautiful black, young woman posing against a fence. I felt leery, at first, because I have seen way too many MySpace spaces that rope me into something innocent-looking that is so NOT innocent underneath the surface. Timidly, I opened her space and stopped breathing when it popped up immediately. There was nothing awful or scary or pornographic. No. That wasn't why I had stopped breathing. I stopped breathing because this is what I saw...

I stopped breathing because there, at the top of her page, were my very own words, my very own quote, from MY website, which you can get to through a link on my MySpace home page. I stopped breathing because this was the first time in my life that MY words had touched someone in a way that they used them as a "famous quote." You cannot see it here, but her whole page is covered with famous quotes from famous people. And MY quote is HER quote right now. OMG! It feels so surreal.

(Now... the cynical side of me is noting that this could very well be some sort of hack/scam/phishing scheme and I am going to regret accepting her friendship.)

Patooey on the cynical side of me, right now! Right now, in this moment, I am going to revel in this beautiful discovery and believe that it is for real. I am going to believe that she was touched by that quote and that is why it is there on her page.

I feel happy!

Oh... and... this week's Meditation Prisoners of War has been available for quite some time. If you would like to read it, CLICK HERE.

Feedback

I have been learning about receiving and incorporating feedback more gracefully. Since it is something I am learning, the word "gracefully" is still in the works. I am happy to say that I have been fairly successful at it during the last 48 hours.

One such experience played out via email with someone I would consider to be a friend and whose feedback I trust. It was regarding the subscription list for my Meditation of the Week. While this person is blunt, I can count on honesty. Which I appreciate. It read like this...

Actually, what you are describing is not stuff that I want in my email. That is one of the specific purposes the forum is set up for and I would really rather not have that information emailed to me. It feels like you are in other people's lane about whether or not they will use the forum. My story is that you are wanting to email people directly because you really want to connect with people and you feel scared that they won't connect with you through the forum; so you are putting this more in their face to try to be seen... in other words, it feels like a control move on your part.

Also, my toss to you is to make really sure that the people you subscribe to your newsletters are people who have specifically opted/chosen in to them. From a personal standpoint, I feel irritated that I've been signed up for things just because you have my email address, not because I asked to be signed up for them. From a business standpoint, you will have a more "active" (and therefore productive/lucrative) database without turning off potential supporters by signing them up for something that they didn't ask for. Automatically signing people up, even though they can unsubscribe if they want to, tends to turn people off. A smaller database of "active" people is worth more to a business than a large database of "inactive" people. Those are my stories. Do your marketing and get the word out there for sure, but make sure people request your newsletters before being signed up.

My intention here is to be transparent about my thoughts and feelings. I feel scared about you being upset, but there it is.

Our interchange really provided an opportunity to look at myself, as scary as it was. I found truth in these words, in that I am scared that people will not choose to connect with me, even though I want to connect with them. I am discovering that people do eventually find me, are drawn to me and connect with me through my writing. I want it to go faster, though. I want to make it happen faster. Which is impossible, I know. Still, I want it.

I was really scared about weeding out my subscription list. I really had to adopt a detached observer mode to release the apparently inactive accounts. When I was done, I had eliminated almost half of my list. I feel scared about that and, at the same time, I feel peaceful. It makes sense to me to have a productive list. It makes sense for it to contain only the people that really are interested. Yes. It makes sense.

And, still, it was really nice to open the program and see all these names on my list, albeit a false list at that.

Inside me there is this feeling that I am here to do something important. I am gifted with the talent of writing and, more importantly, am passionate about it. It is how I want to make my living, build my life, live my life. And while I am convinced that I am amazing, I am also aware that most writers hit the big time on a wing, a prayer and a huge sweep of being in the right place at the right time.

So I continue on (common theme coming on here...) and go foward, scared out of my mind, yet again. I go forward with significantly and obviously and truthfully a much smaller list of followers. And, I have my chin up knowing that I am doing what I am meant to do with what I have at my disposal right now in this moment.

And I am surprised. Now, instead of feeling sad as I assumed I would after such a weeding session, I feel light. I feel liberated, actually. Hmmm...

Sigh...

Wipe the countertops

Shine the faucets

Vacuum the floors

Wash the linens

Clean the tubs

Scrub the toilets

Clean out the fridge

Take out the trash

Remove the recycling

Shine the glass

Empty the dishwasher

Cry a little

It's time to leave now

Sigh

My Own Meme... FOR REAL

While following JMT's example and doing that last meme, I glanced at some of my other posts during the year and thought to myself, (and who else would I have been thinking to???? I'm not that good. Yet.) Self... you have some pretty good shit on here. And you are new to this loop of people... perhaps you should toot your own horn for a bit and share.

Now, I am not one who generally toots her own horn. I was taught that that was prideful and that pride goeth before the fall. And, really, who wants to fall? Not I, for sure. However, I really do have some stuff that I am proud of. If you would be so kind to allow me, (there I go... seeking permission... damn!) I would love to share them.

Here are my rules... (Again, I am the Queen here so off with their heads! Oh. Wait! No... I mean... I make the rules! And... off with their heads!)

1. Paste the first paragraph and one picture, if applicable, of one of your favorite blogs for each month of 2007.
2. Provide a link so that the readers whom you entice with your wittiness and wisdom can easily finish reading.
3. Most importantly, have fun!

JANUARY This morning I was up long before the sun, when the sky and the mountains merged as one into the grey liquid dawn. My daughter’s light was on so I ventured across the living room to peek in on her. She was snuggled down beneath her electric blanket with all the covers pulled up around her ears. She was breathing that deep, relaxed rhythm of sleep. She knew I was there, though.

FEBRUARY I am going to recreate a story that was told by an acquaintance last night. (Thank you, Merit, for following your intuition!) The message within the story while being so simple and clearly stated was profound. I heard all kinds of “Ah-has!” going on throughout the room. For me, it solidified a concept that I knew in some ethereal sense, yet had never truly looked at and languaged…

MARCH I decided that the best way to start my day today would be to go try on swimsuits. Yeah. Right.


APRIL “Tips Appreciated,” boasted the handwritten sign. It hung slightly askew upon the window of the drive-thru of a local bagel shop with an excessive amount of tape, which appeared to have been applied by a two year old.

MAY I have been wondering about cancer lately, specifically breast cancer.

JUNE Well... apparently I wrote nothing in this blog during the month of June. So I checked my MySpace blog... and found this...


Yesterday afternoon, prior to going to the bank, I had a session with my Reiki Master Trainer. I sat on her couch and poured my heart open for her to witness. Then, I lay upon her table and, like a sniveling child, sobbed my way through our Reiki work.

JULY The bedraggled old man's sign read:
AUGUST
If you leave, don't leave now
Please don't take my heart away
Promise me
Just one more night
And then we'll go our separate ways...

SEPTEMBER (This was a tough month as this is when I contracted West Nile virus. Many of my posts from this month are on that topic. I found this one that wasn't...)


The intensity of the atmosphere caught my attention. It sounded loud and reckless outside and I felt inquisitively drawn toward the window. I wondered what was happening to make such a ruckus and what sight would greet me.


OCTOBER This morning, on the way to work, I turned my stereo up so loud that I could not hear myself think. I did it on purpose. I have been thinking too much lately. Having my ears and head numb opened up my eyes. As I drove, I spied...


NOVEMBER Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend. As I pulled into the parking lot, I had to wait as a couple of pedestrians crossed my path. It was a long wait as they were quite aged and slow-going.


DECEMBER I feel humbled...

One by One

A blogger friend, J.M. Tewkesbury posted a blog today that sounded like fun and I think I will try it out...

As per JMT, who stole it from a friend, the rules are pretty basic. Take the first line of the first post from every month in 2007 and play the game.

Hold on! This should be fun... (author sidenote here... I realized that many of the "first posts" may possibly be Meditations. Later on in the year, if that is the case, then they are all going to read the same thing... Click here for this week's meditation, which would be an entirely boring blog entry. Therefore, since I am the Queen here, I will choose the next first entry to post.) I am going to add a link to the post in the month header that way if you are really enticed, you can easily go there to finish the read. :) Damn! Aren't I such the helpful blogger. OOOO! And, I will also include one pic if there was one. Sheesh! I can't help myself.

January...

2007 started quietly today – that sort of hushed stillness that falls over a land of people who made merry into the wee hours of the morning the night before.

February...

I had prepared an entirely different Meditation for today. Then, something happened which led me to believe there was a special message that needed to be shared...

March...

I have been prompted to write about “Personas” and I feel a little nervous about doing so.

April...

Last night I went to a quaint Italian restaurant with my daughter and mother.

May...

Spring has, indeed, sprung here in my fair city and has seemingly stepped aside for summer.

June...

Many friends have questioned, "Where have you gone, Angie? Why are you not blogging anymore?"

July...

I arose at exactly 3:25 am.

August...

A few days ago, for some reason, I had the image of a praying mantis pop into my head.

September...

Some days I surprise myself.

October...

Oh my God!

November...

Somehow... it is already November.

December...

(For December, there were three "first day" posts, two of which were movie critiques. One for Darjeeling Limited and another for The Golden Compass. So I am opting to post the first line of the third first post, not that it is any more interesting than the other two.)

I just realized that when I am tired, small things are large and big things are insurmountable.

Attention! Attention!

Thought I would draw your attention to a new little Widget over there ---------------> in the right column. Arrow down... down... down... there! Right there!

The section which invites you to "JOIN US!!! Add your own personal flair to the ongoing saga..." and provides a link to the post entitled "Playing" is a fun little experiment I thought I would play with. I would love to hear what YOU have to say!!!

Do you dare join us???

Feet up

Today is a day where I would like to lean back, kick up my feet, eat chocolates and, perhaps, watch a marathon of weepy-girl movies or feel-good Christmas flicks. Today is a day where I could be doing that because there is nothing to do here at work, yet I am here... making a show of it and watching the fog roll by my window.

Today is a day where I am thinking about all I am blessed with...

I am blessed with a job that allows me to sit here and watch the fog roll by, although I would rather be cuddled under a blanket at home with some hot chocolate and a DVD.

I am blessed with a beautiful daughter who grows more beautiful every day from the inside out, who is healthy and witty and a bright light in each person's path she crosses.

I am blessed with a close immediate family that is healthy and generally happy and with whom I love spending time.

I am blessed with improving health and a body that keeps on ticking no matter how I abuse or neglect it.

I am blessed with a safe, sheltered place to lay my head, food to eat and clothing to keep me warm.

I am blessed with a few good friends - some of which have been with me for decades, some of which are brand new additions to my life.

I am blessed with the ability to heal myself and others, to see through the eyes of God and to find the divine within us all.

I am blessed with the Gift of Words...

Which reminds me... several times within the last two weeks I have come across written feedback from others - some even strangers - as well as receiving the feedback live and in person. All of the feedback says... when will you be published?!!! You need to be out there! NOW!

I am so blessed. So very, very blessed.

Excited...

I am doing the final edits of my book Above the Clouds and I am feeling really excited to be coming down the home stretch. I am confident about this book, although I haven't always been. I have been scared because it is a creative non-fiction autobiography so I have been wound up in this story that it is "me" that I am putting out there to be rejected or accepted. And, really, it is my story, so why would it benefit anyone?

I finally, recently, realized that what I have to say - and the way I have to say it - is beautiful and there is someone out there that needs my words. I feel good that I have eased myself into this realization. And I am excited to get it out there. Soon I will be posting some excerpts and it will go up online as a presale option. Watch for it, if ya would! :)

Plug...

Okay... so I TOTALLY have to put in a plug for my good friend, JulieAnn Henneman. If you are in the mood for some hilariously good, yet highly irreverent, reading then please follow this link...

I am Going to Hell

*sigh*

I feel sad...
For about three months now, I have had a laptop computer in my care.
Its daddy is coming to take it home tomorrow.
I feel sad about that because I have been very inspired to write lots while I had it with me. I had started a new book. I had finished editing my other two. I feel really grateful for how inspired I have been.
Yes. I feel sad.
I am holding space for another laptop computer to show up in my life.
This time, for good.

Word of the Day

I have had a word plaguing the back of my mind the last few days. It floats in and out of my mind, ringing playfully and bouncing against other thoughts.

“Loquacious,” the word whispers past. “Loquacious.”

Instinctively, I have a visceral knowledge of the definition of said word. It resonates within me. It feels as though it has found a home.

Loquacious…

Loquacious…

Loquacious…

I know this word. But what does it mean?

Loquacious: 1. talking or tending to talk much or freely; talkative; chattering; babbling; garrulous: a loquacious dinner guest. 2. characterized by excessive talk; wordy: easily the most loquacious play of the season.

Yes, indeed. Loquacious.

Playing...

I want to try a social experiment... Will you help me?

Let's write a story together. I will start and then, each person can please add on another few lines in the comments. This will be fun!

Okay, so here goes:

When I awoke, the sky was clear and it was eerily quiet. It was the kind of quiet that made the hair on my arms stand on end. There should be some sort of noise, but there wasn't. There was only quiet. I was afraid to look out the window...