Container

I'm part of a community of forward-moving people, all of whom are committed to thrive in this world through feeling our emotions, moving our bodies and living transparent lives. What an amazing experiment it is!

I posted the below entry on a private forum we share to keep us connected on a 24/7 basis. It is here that we offer one another support, love, feedback and encouragement. As I submitted it, I heard from my Guides that they wanted me to post it here too. So, following their guidance, here it is...

I have an image that will not leave my mind...

I see a huge glass container. Sometimes I am inside it. Sometimes I'm looking in. Sometimes I'm close. Sometimes I'm distant. The glass container is intricate, beautiful and full of delicious things. Love. Joy. Celebration. Brightness. At first, all I see is the glorious nature of the glowing brilliance from within. I can only focus on the almost-blinding light. Then I begin to notice... black spots. Big. Black. Spots. When I am outside the container, I cannot see into the container where the black spots are. However I can see a golden gossamer stream slowly seeping outward from them and I feel a sadness so, so deep when I watch it that I ache with it. When I am within the container, those black spots are some sort of entity that stretches inward, squeezing the space and filling up the core with an energy that oozes and seethes and I feel scared and angry.

I'm wondering into this image. Is it me? Am I the container? Is it our community? Where am I withholding? Where am I creating black spots for energy leaks and opening up my core to dangerous toxins? Where is that happening in the community?

As I loop into individuals in our community and the community as a whole, I feel so scared. I feel angry. I feel sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. And then I feel terror. My Mother Bear energy comes on so big to protect "us" from something that seems to be coming from within, but I dont' even know what it is. I don't know where it is. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to heal it. I don't know how to love it. I feel uncertain AND so full of love at the same time that I feel disoriented most of the time. So what I'm finding is that I am going further and further into me, to fill me up, to patch my black spots, to close my leaks and to clean up my container so that I am solidly transparent and powerfully strong. I'm doing that for me and wondering if I can - or how I can - lovingly inspire each of you to do the same so our unique container is solidly transparent, as well.

I KNOW who I am and why I am here. I feel grateful about that.

I felt so strongly to post this, having no idea where I was going with it, but simply knowing I had to share.

I love you. All of you.

Yee-OWZAH!!!

What an amazing weekend! There are no words. I just.... wow! Perhaps later, as I land more in what I learned, what I discovered, what I became, what I embraced, I will be able to share in words my experience. Suffice it to say... I am changed.

There is so much happening in my life and I am just popping with the readiness to reveal and express and expand. Magic!

I did an intuitive reading for myself this morning to get started on my path for the day and in support of what I learned this weekend about myself and my role here on earth. I record here my message for my remembrance and to share with you. I welcome all support from friends, loved ones and the Universe as I journey forth into my divinity.

(Interesting side note... I pulled the same card twice. It is the first and the last!)

Falling: Continually teetering between options only creates more confusion. Commit. Go all the way in or walk away.

Worm: Find the easiest path through.

White: Pay attention. There are subtleties that are only visible to those who are willing to truly see.

Nine: Stay true to your vision and, with every step you take, your truth will be reinforced.

Falling: Continually teetering between options only creates more confusion. Commit. Go all the way in or walk away.

ConGraduations!

As I sit here on the morning of the first day of our ALC graduation, I feel SO excited. A year ago at this time, as I was preparing to graduate from my first year of ALC, I was feeling some sort of funkiness. I have often looked back at that time and my whole experience of ALC last year as this year has wound to a close and have realized I'm in SUCH a different place than I was then. I believe that is attributed to the way I went in this year.

I feel grateful that I have supported myself this year so generously. I feel grateful that I have followed my dreams and have chosen IN to life, to BE alive! I set the goal for myself this year to source my own safety and to become proficient at completions. I am happy to report... I am doin' it!

I am looking forward to a weekend at Lava Hot Springs... my home away from home. I am looking forward to the final processes we will be doing and the completion of this group. I commit to staying in my lane. I commit to having an easeful experience full of love and laughter. I commit to milking this final experience for all it is worth.

Thank you for witnessing my journey!

Drama

I am surprised to discover that, even in my space of peacefulness, I am able to create lots of drama in my head and find myself unwittingly embroiled in the drama outside of myself quickly. Suddenly, I will find myself wondering why I feel like I am walking sideways on a slippery slope with one foot continually sliding out from under me and having to struggle to find balance. I will check in and... what's this?!!! TA-DA! Drama!

Sheesh!

I have had an awareness, though, while in a current drama with someone I had thought was my friend. This person has been lying to me for a very long time. From the very moment when I stood before them and asked, "I feel like it was me you were talking about in that story. Was it?" That person chose, in that moment, to deny the truth and I willingly bought into the new story that replaced the truth that I had already intuitively felt and knew. I denied my truth in that moment and betrayed myself. I feel so angry about that!

As I wrote out my feelings about this situation, I began to understand what is going on for me:

I have listened to others before myself for far too long. I have trusted others too easily and for longer than I should have in many cases. Ten years ago I made a commitment to stop those patterns. Since then, I have violated myself more times than I care to admit. This year, when I took on the ALC commitment, I did it whole-heartedly and with full intent. I chose in fully, which left me no opening to back out on myself. I made a commitment to always listen to myself first and follow my intuition. I made a commitment to source my own safety. I made a commitment to learn easefully and with laughter. I made a commitment to drop the stories, drop the patterns and MOVE FORWARD in healthy ways. I made a commitment to recognize where I am violating myself and put an immediate stop to it.

With my patterns of the past juxtaposed with my commitments this year, I’m aware that my pendulum has swung very far to the other side and I have become slow to trust and quick to back away when I feel violated. I have also become unforgiving at the first sign of someone violating me or betraying my trust.

I broke that agreement when I sold myself out and bought into you. I feel so angry about that and how you have dishonored me since then. Your actions have brought you to the center of my crossfire as I find balance between who I was and who I am. I am certain the pendulum will swing to center when I am ready and I will find the place I need to be in to trust AND forgive at the same time. Until that time, it is no longer okay for others to violate me, batter me or betray me. I am providing no leniency in this matter. And no second chances. Yes, it sounds harsh. That is where I am.

And that, my friends, is truly where I am.

Aloneliness

A friend recently wrote, "I want someone to help me. I know I need to help myself."

I have been thinking about that very thing. In ALC, we are learning about being 100% responsible for the life we create and that we must first give to ourselves that which we want to attract. I feel sad, though, when I hear that to be in conscious living, I can't actually expect someone to help me or even do it with me. I am wondering if there will ever be a time when I will be 100% comfortable being alone, not "having" someone to help me and doing it on my own.

At times I feel empowered by that. At others, like now for instance, I feel sad and like that empty space beside me grows bigger every day. I understand the theory of "if I want to attract a healthy relationship, I need to be healthy and whole on my own first." Understanding it, though, has not made it any easier. Nor has it reduced the stark loneliness and longing at times for another human being, human contact... someone to touch me and let me feel from the outside that I am alive, that I still know what it feels like to be caressed, to feel that awareness, awakening that can only come from someone outside of me coming into physical contact with me...

Tonight I am restless. I feel my life clock clicking away the moments. Every moment that passes is one more moment I spent with only myself. And while I am grateful for those moments, I am aware of the longing, aloneness, loneliness. Each moment is another moment that I spent without someone there that looks at me and simply knows me and is witness to who I am at my best and my worst and loves me all the same.

Ummmm... so... that is MY story...

By Example...

I overheard a conversation tonight between my daughter and my father's wife. I heard my daughter say, "I have a story..."

I didn't hear what the story was because I was so surprised to hear those words come out of her mouth. I have never explained to her the theory behind the ALC statement of "I have a story." She just totally gets it. She is listening to me use the language of ALC and is begining to try it on for herself.

I feel excited and humbled and honored and happy to be raising a conscious child. I feel excited and happy when I think about what the future holds in store for her with these amazing tools she is being given. And, most especially in this moment, I feel profoundly awed by this understanding of the concept of "teaching by example."

Saturday is a Special Day

...it used to be the day I got ready for Sunday so that I didn't do anything too strenuous or "non-church" related. Now Saturday AND Sunday have become the weekend for me. They are both special days with which I spend my time catching up on everything that I couldn't do during the week, spending time time with my family and explicitly focusing on my connection to Source.

This morning, however, I feel a dread about Saturday and Sunday. That is a rare occurence for me. I generally embrace the weekend now and relish the thoughts of being really alive without any constraints of work and such. This weekend is our weekend-long ALC seminar. I have been feeling guarded and reluctant to join in the "festivities" at ALC for about six weeks now. I feel myself pulling inward and retracting from the space. I feel shy and as though each time I turn around it is going to be the wrong move, the wrong words, the wrong feelings.

Now, ALC is not about enforcing "wrong" thoughts. It is about behaving differently, creating more healthy thought patterns and strengthening the beliefs that support me. It is a loving space and it is a space of exponential growth.

At the beginning of this year, I went in with the "this is for me" attitude and it worked. It worked marvelously! Last year I went in all skeewompas, with some sort of twisted thought that I was "paying" my way into a community and creating a network of people that were going to support me, a community. That didn't happen. In fact, the opposite happened.

I discovered that was about me. In my longing to connect, I reach out in a convoluted way that is difficult for others to understand. It ends up pushing them away, rather than gathering them to me. It is most bizarre. It is as if I am laced with millions of thorns which I cannot see, but others can feel if they touch me. They reach my reaching and then recoil in pain, all the while leaving me to wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

It is that "what is wrong with me" line of thinking that does me in every time. It is that vein of thought that is my destruction. There is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect in this moment and this moment and this moment. My feeling of "I am having the wrong experience and things have got to be better somewhere else," leads me to running and running, then wondering why I am alone.

We have been extensively focusing on persona play in ALC over the past couple months. Last time we met, I discovered an old/new persona of mine, Ineeda, who is yearning to be loved. She is the one who reaches out, only to be met with thin air. As I played with her, I went through an intersesting rollercoaster of experiences. First and foremost, I realized she is heavily in the victim role (oh surprise) and for her to live she requires villains and heroes to show up. Mostly heroes. I discovered that she is actually uncomfortable with people seeing her, even though she wants to be seen. When she melts down, she goes heavily into victim, landing on the cross and becoming so invisible that people immediately begin socializing through her. I learned that when things get too tough - when heroes are really showing up to rescue her - she starts to freak out and turns her back to those who are there to "help."

As the heroes and villains fell away, eventually leaving Ineeda alone, I felt nauseated and my feet started to itch. I wanted to run far away and as fast as I could.

"Then run, Ang," Megan said. "I ask that you stay in the building and I invite you to run until that need to run is gone."

I actually loathe running. So having been given the permission to do so didn't really help me. I was needing that space of wanting to do something that I don't really want to do and then denying myself that want. So twisted.

At any rate, she continued to invite me to run until my shoulders sagged and I began to slowly walk to the door. Several of my peers reminded me that I was "supposed to be running." The reminder weighted my feet and I slowed even further.

I am very familiar with the building in which we meet. I know the nooks and crannies. I know the exits and the pathways. The path I chose was the only path that led to nowhere, which gave me nowhere to run. I sauntered out the door, down the five-foot hallway, around the corner and slam! Dead end. I had a choice in that moment, I could open the door and leave. It was my choice. However, I realized that I was performing this experiment, this exercise, just as I do my life.

I melted into fetal position upon the floor in the darkest corner of the hallway and sobbed with an ache so big that I thought I would surely die. I became aware of every inch of my body, the darkness, the fact that life had gone on in the room I had just left. I began to think that my leaving had not impacted a single person (found out later that was so not true) and that I was... oh look at this! ALONE! Again.

I had a detached conversation with myself... "Angie, what do you want to do right now? Do you want to stay here alone?"

No. I don't want to be alone.

"So what do you want to do?"

I want someone to come get me.

"That ain't gonna happen. This isn't about them coming to get you. This is about you choosing in or choosing out. What are you going to do?"

I slid up the wall unsteadily and walked toward the corner feeling shaky and almost five years old. I resisted the urge to swipe my arm under my nose and smear snot along my sleeve. I would have at five. At 39, though, it wasn't appropriate. I caught that thought and stopped, wondering about all the spaces in my life where I judge myself and my thoughts and my actions. I felt sad.

I eased down the hall, back against the wall to hold me up. I sidled up to the doorway and looked around the frame. No one noticed me, except Annabeth. She turned her head slightly and motioned with her eyes to come in. I stood stalk still, afraid to move, a deer in headlights. She smiled and I felt her love envelope me. More emphatically, she motioned with her eyes for me to join them. Specifically, join her.

An odd thing happened when I walked in that space, coming back to the ones who loved me. I went so invisible that I couldn't even feel myself move. I didn't want to be seen, at all. One moment I was standing in the doorway, the next I was sitting between Annabeth's legs and she was caressing my shoulders. One moment I was scared. The next, I was safe.

Megan pointed out that, eventually, when I chose in and chose to accept it, I found what I was longing for. Connection.

So, today, I am scared. We have a whole weekend together, the 30 of us. A whole weekend of persona play and discussion. I am scared for what I will experience. And while I know that is futurizing, I wanted to out that I am futurizing.

And, interestingly enough... I feel scared and safe. Vulnerable and strong. Excited and curious.

Thoughtful

It is Sunday. I am at the kitchen table, wondering what to do next. I feel tired and want to go back to bed, yet I don't. I look out the windows and see the snow softly floating down and don't know whether to be ironically amused or ticked off. Today, I had wanted to plant pansies at my office to make that space more inviting. I wanted to be able to pull up in front of the office and feel happy first thing, rather than looking at the dead grass, the weeds and all the cigarette butts and shattered beer bottles. The area in which my office is located is not the happiest place on earth - surrounded by a hip-happening Irish bar, a not-so-exciting CPA, an underground gambling ring, an Asian market and a drug testing facility. It's an odd combination of humanity those locales draw. Most of them are indifferent to honoring another's space.

However, it is snowing. No planting of pansies today.

And, as I sit here, thinking about yesterday's post I am listening to Sounds of the Sabbath which is bouncing reverently around the living room. One of my all time favorite hymns fills the air...

Where Can I Turn for Peace?
(Hymn #129)
Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Seaching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand, to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant He is and kind,
Love without end.

As I child, I was taught that God was outside of me and love came to me, from outside of me. Those most cherished "things" were way far outside of me, sometimes even "up there" and that, somehow, I was supposed to "do" something to earn them both. There was a juxtaposed belief that it was my divine right to have both, yet, I had to "be" good to do so. It was conditional.

Now, as an adult and far removed from the religion of my upbringing, I am trying to find my own truths, rather than ride into heaven on my dad's coattails. I am confused. The messages coming to me frequently are, "You just gotta love yourself, Ang. The love comes from the inside."

I have no frame of reference for this way of thinking. It is so foreign to me. Love has always been something that has come at me and, when it came from me it went to someone else, someone outside of me. In ALC, the facilitators have a little hand gesture they do to show what they mean - they point outward and then slowly sweep their pointing finger inward toward their chest to signify "bring it inward." I see the move. I do the move. I just don't understand what it means.

Where do I turn for peace? I no longer know. I feel like I am wandering in a desert. Alone. Without a tribe. I feel very alien in this world... and am achingly aware that this aloneness is creating more aloneness. I long to connect, yet the message is I need to do that for myself first. If I want to connect with others, yet I have to do it for myself first and that doing it for myself first is an absolutely foreign concept which I do not understand... well, then... what the hell? I feel trapped in this desert, destined to wander alone because I don't know how to love myself first.

Celebration

My lovely mentor Megan Sillito is celebrating her birthday today. She is doing this by spending time in sunny California at a speakers convention. She will spend her entire day receiving feedback on her speaking abilities and she is excited about that!

For those of you who are local, this woman is phenomenal and I would highly recommend you checking her out. My life is so blessed by her generous spirit and fun-loving attitude. I have discovered so much about myself through her gentle tutelage.

Happy Birthday Ms. Megan! Thank you for being born and bringing your vivaciousness into this world.

I love you!

Hippity-Hip

Sooo... It's Easter. Apparently I should be posting some sort of ode to Peeps or hollow chocolate bunnies. However, I am feeling decidedly UN-Easterish. I am sitting here in my room, hibernating until the very last moment. Not really wanting to emerge from the cool darkness here. I wonder if Jesus felt like that? Do you think He wanted to stay in that tomb? Or do you think He was excited to come out of the dampness into the sunlight to be greeted by, none other than, Mary Magdalene? (Not that I am equating the petite guest room to the tomb, nor myself to Jesus.)

Hmmmmm... I am feeling angry right now. Shit. (Sometimes I wish I could back to the days when my anger was non-existant and my life seemed more pretty.) I know from whence the anger stems. I did another faux pas with my Meditations. Dammit if I cannot get this lesson down!

I am part of a yahoo group of people who graduated from my massage school. (or I was a part of this group. I have now been removed by the moderator who is an "old" friend that I have usually butted heads with because he is set in his way and plays it so by the book, refusing to look outside the box which is his little world... okay, that was rude. I'm leaving it though because I feel petty. Petty... so not attractive) People have recently been posting lots of stuff about seminars/classes/workshops that they are hosting. Silly me. I thought that what *I* do would be interesting for people too.

So, I checked in, dropped a quick note - which I haven't done for about two years - and shared this:

Hi, Friends!

I am amongst the charter members of this here MCU Friends yahoo group. (Hi, JIM! And thanks for setting this up and continuing to monitor it!!! Love ya!)

I am an amazing facilitator of healing through the written word and intuitive, interactive hands-on healing sessions. These are my passions and my divine purpose. I felt inspired, today, to share one of my gifts with you, my Meditation of the Week. I design these unique emails every week, write the articles and include artwork - of which, sometimes, it is even my own artwork. I feel happy when I create these beautiful Meditations and want to share them with the world. I will start with you. :)

I invite you to spend a moment with me and nurture yourself. If you find yourself moved and would like to be a part of my adventure, you can go to the sample on my website www.momentsofawakening.com. At the bottom of that page, there is a sign up box.

With love,
Angie


Then I attached a copy of my latest Meditation.

Okay soooo... ugh... this was followed by a very public and humiliating (for me) reprimand:

Hi Angie,
Although we love ya to bits, this is not a personal blog space and posting this lengthy blog to over 100 people, most of whom don't yet know you and did not request this, was not appropriate, particularly without asking first.
Please don't do that again.
Now they have your link to your website so those who wish can go there and enjoy your postings.
Those who have other interests in being members of this list won't have their email spammed again by this.

If anyone else has blog space, My Space, etc. things to share with the list, it's ok to make a brief mention and include a link inviting us to go there if interested, but please don't post a full-out blog here. A paragraph that you think the group will have interest in, certainly, but a full out blog, nope.

Thanks.
James
(list owner/moderator)


Following this public discipline session, he and I had a private interchange. He was "kind" enough to send me a formal definition of SPAM, implying that my post fit within all aspects of his definition. And eventually our posts disintegrated to the result of him kicking my ass out of the group because he doesn't "need the extra drama in my life."

Whatever.

So, this is going to sound totally unenlightened AND I am going to say it anyway cuz it's what is rattling around in my head. Apparently, *I*AM SPAM!!! I feel so sad right now. I only wanted to share what I love. I want to SHARE and, yet, I end up feeling wounded, injured, rejected. This is more than just with my Mediations. It is a common theme. I am wondering how I can more easefully and more quickly spread my Meditations (how can I share ME) AND keep my sensitive heart whole and happy?

James mentioned in his last post to me: "This really isn't about you as a person, Angie, though I sense it does seem that way to you." This is common feedback for me as of late. "This isn't personal. It's business." I have never understood that statement, especially when *I* AM the business. I just heard this very same thing from my former husband/boss on the very same day, "Angie, you just take this all too personally."

I don't know how to respond to this. I am an emotional being. I am sensitive. I think from my heart because, when I think from my head I get all fucked up. My head is unclear. My heart is always pure. And so, I am emotional. I don't know how to do "not personal."

And, apparently, the universal message is that I have got to learn how to do that. Somehow, I have to develop a thicker skin. I have a story that that means changing my core self. I am uncomfortable with that.

James also wrote: "I think you're a little unable to sense other people, but that's just my opinion and I could be wrong." I wanted to fly off the handle on that one. I am unable to sense people?! WTF!

Then I hear the advice from ALC yesterday... It is quite possible that all I think I know is absolutely fucking wrong.

Okay. I will hold space for that. And I will hold the universe in solution for this question... "I wonder how I can move through business effortlessly AND with ease AND joy?"

From Peeps, to Jesus, to SPAM... what a trip!

Commit

On Saturday, in ALC, I asked for support, even though I was absolutely terrified to do so. In front of my friends - about 30 people in all there - I stood in my shit and owned where I am in my life. I am so ready to fly this year. I am so ready to step into my power and be who I am meant to be. I am scared because I have no idea, really, what that means or how it looks. I suspect it means completely severing ties from my former husband/current boss. And I feel sad about that. I have a story that he will feel rejected and abandoned - once again - by me. And while I know I have no control over him or his reactions or emotions - and that the story may simply be that, a story - I feel sad about what that will mean for both of us.

I have spent a lot of time focusing on the good in my job with him. I set my own hours. I go and come as I please. I answer to no one, other than him occasionally. I have my healing space right here in my office space so I am able to take clients throughout the day. I am able to blog and interact through several different e-technology avenues.

On one hand, he wants me to succeed and fly away from here. And, of course, his other hand wants to hold me here because he trusts me and I am a huge part of what he does with this business. And, for the most part, I truly do like it here. There are days that I feel angry and trapped here. There are days when I am subjected to his anger and his frustration about everything other than me. Because we are best friends, ex-spouses, ex-lovers, parenting partners, and sometimes even lovers, and because we have known one another for almost two decades, grown up together and have been witness to one another's development, there are all sorts of funky relationship boundaries that are crossed and uncrossed and confused at times.

Thing is... this is HIS dream. I love being a part of that and seeing him succeed in that. I love supporting him and giving to him to see that it flies. However, do I do that at the sacrafice of my own? I have. AND it is time to stop that now.

So I stood before my friends and implored them to get behind me and support MY dream. I CAN DO THIS! Prior to getting so deathly ill with the Nile, I had a small regular clientelle. They all went POOF! Now I am starting from scratch. Eight regular weekly clients is what I need to leave here. Eight.

Megan asked me, "Angie, are you willing to commit to leaving that place? I am not saying you HAVE to leave it or that you HAVE to leave tomorrow. I am asking you, are you willing to leave?"

I was surprised by the sudden rush of emotions and tears and inability to see straight. My stomach clenched and I felt so scared and sad. I breathed deep and nodded once, announcing, "I feel scared and I am willing to leave that place. I commit to be open to the possibilities of leaving that place. AND I feel scared."

BAM!!!

It was a sound I heard deep inside me somewhere and it echoed out into the Universe in rippling waves.

Come Monday, an email popped in my box from a regular client telling me she was sending me two new clients. This morning there was an email from a stranger who found me, I imagine, through my website. She wants an appointment, as well. Could it be this Saturday, PLEASE, she asked.

I feel excited AND scared AND happy all at once.

WOW! I am really doing this!

WOW!

I feel JOY! I feel excited that I am opening to a life wherein I work with other forward-thinking geniuses that love to be in their authentic selves! I have had the most amazing morning and I want to share it quickly. (I know. Quickly is not like me! Wooohoo! Radically different!)

~I received an anonymous comment on my personal blog from someone who read my controversial Marching Morons post. It was so loving and receptive. I feel happy.

~While reading that comment, an email popped up from one of my newest business partners! She was abundantly offering her gifts to me as thanks for the gifts of me I had offered to her. I wept with joy and fullness and gratitude as I read the email.

~While reading that email, another email popped in my box from one of my ALC buddies. She wanted me to know she had been thinking about me. She called me "bright, courageous, and amazing" and I felt shy for a moment. Then, I read it again and felt happy and expansive.

~AND while reading that email, another email popped in my box from a friend of a friend. My friend forwarded one of my Meditations to her and she felt so moved by what she read that she promptly asked to be signed up. Then, six months later, she followed a link from my Meditation to my website, read about what I do and has become a regular client. This email was to tell me she has a friend who is a new client coming my way!!!

I feel SO JOYFUL AND EXCITED AND EXPANSIVE.

(*whispering* and a little scared that I am going to upper limit...)

Okay... that wasn't as short as I was thinking it would be. But it could have been much, much longer, folks!!! LOL

UPDATE!

So... I went to the bank and left my cell phone here at the office. During that fifteen minutes, my new client called to book an appointment! WOW! And... strangely... I am scared to call her back. What if the Universe actually delivers what I asked for, instead of the counter-commitments I am used to showing up?! AAAaaaaaaaaaa

A Rose...

Several weeks ago, a friend of mine shared within a group we both attend his bouquet of the most stunning red roses I have ever seen in my life. He had received them from his boyfriend as a token of his boyfriend's love and admiration. My friend encouraged each of us to take a rose home with us, to share in their love.

So I have been closely watching the rose I chose. It has been over 1 1/2 weeks since I brought mine home, lovingly trimmed the end and placed it in fresh water. It is still standing tall and looking almost as perfect as the night I brought it home.

Three days ago, I noticed a new growth on the stem. This morning, that growth is over 1/2 inch long and has two baby leaves shooting out of it.

I feel happy and excited when I look at my rose. I am in awe that the will to live AND grow is so strong within my rose.

How am I like that rose?

I have a strong will to live. Time and again, I have been given the very explicit choice of life or death. Each time, I choose life. I have a strong desire to grow and become all of the potential within me.

And then, I thought about what the rose was doing... It was shared IN LOVE. And now, that love is expanding, growing, shooting off new lives of its own. I am sharing myself IN LOVE. I am expanding. I am creating new avenues and am growing into new, exciting directions. I am scared AND I am moving forward anyway.

I feel happy to see how the love is growing before my very eyes.

Disconnected Connection

Here I am, yet again, today. It has been a big day. Actually a big few days. When I am calling in my lessons, boy oh boy, do I call 'em in big!

So you may or may not have picked up on my running theme as of late... I am scared out of my mind and going forward anyway.

Yes, well. Apparently, I was not as conscious of my fears as I thought I was. E-hem.

In my post Feedback, which I wrote only yesterday, I spoke about how I had signed up a bunch of people to my Meditaton list without asking their permission. The kernel of truth in that experience is: I signed up a bunch of people without their permission. This resulted in some of those people feeling as though they had been violated. That, in turn, resulted in feedback - some of which was pleasant, some of which was far from pleasant.

In my post Pansies which was written just hours ago, I spoke about my experience with the long arm of the law. I know the kernel of truth about this situation and it will remain unwritten, although I have spoken it aloud for myself. The result of this situation was that I felt violated and abused. That, in turn, resulted in a dramatic turn of related and non-related events, most of which were as far from pleasant as they could be.

The link here is "violation."

Having just got off the phone from an-almost-hour-long conversation with one of my mentors from ALC, I have had the opportunity to get really clear about what I am creating for myself.

What is, is... I want to connect with people. What I fear is... they won't want to connect with me, they won't show up, they won't be present. When I choose to not feel that fear, I go unconscious. (right here I will interject that I am not consciously choosing to not feel the fear. It's a programed response, which I have discovered started around age 4.) When I am unconscious, (I am way aware right now that my jaw is clenched and I am really craving chocolate, craving to distraction; I am having difficulty breathing, my head is in a vice grip and my heart is racing) I violate other people's boundaries in an effort to make them like me. When I violate other people's boundaries they go away from me.

I long for connection. My results are disconnection. Shit...

My mentor invited me to take 100% responsibility for my stuff. I thought I had. Apparently not. She added clarification, "Take 100% responsibility for what happened back at age four."

WTF?!

"How do I take responsibility for something I did - what it was, I don't know - which got me in trouble back at age four?!"

"Good question!" I could hear the gentle smile in her voice and knew the answer was one worth listening closely to. "When you were four, something happened where you were scared, confused, uninformed, unincluded, lonely, sad and maybe a million other feelings. No one explained it to you. No one let you talk. You just had to sit there in that and feel it and it felt really, really yucky and really scary. In that moment, you decided I am not going to feel like this ever again. In that moment you created your Good Girl PansyAss persona in an attempt to ensure that you never felt like that again. As a back up, you developed your ARGH! persona that would rip off the head of those who did not cater to PansyAss."

(btw... I had no that I was walking out an unfamiliar persona when I actually called myself PansyAss today.)

"Okay. I understand all that."

"Taking responsibility for that situation sounds like this: at age four I chose to protect myself from feeling scared and lonely. Today I am 39 and I choose to feel those feelings now AND GO FORWARD FROM HERE."

Ah-ha!

Sooooooo... then I got really curious about what it is, exactly, that I have called into my life. I went back over some of my entries and WOW! Lookie at this!!!

From (ironically, enough) another post called Feedback, on 12/16/07:

...Listening to her, I found myself longing to feel that. I wanted to have someone in my life whom I could say my soul feels happy when I am around them. I became aware that, after almost 10 years post divorce, I am really ready to welcome in love...I stepped in front of the mirror tonight, before removing my makeup and taking down my hair. I studied myself closely and let it all sink in. I am ready!

From A Life Without Fear, also 0n 12/16/07

...apparently, my life is more full of fear than I previously cared to admit. I feel sad that I am holding myself back from my Self through this veil of fears... I have such a tight grip on myself, because of fear, that I am strangling my self. And, in the face of these fears, I go forward day in and day out...

From Imagery, on 12/21/07

...She had a message for me: You are on the path now. You have all you need within you. Your key is Gratitude. ...You travel forward, going step by step, in the direction you are guided. Allow your Soul to lead you. Allow the Universe to guide you. Your key is Joy. ...You are complete right here, right now. You live as you are meant to live. You do what you are meant to do. You BE who you are meant to be. They are waiting for you. Your key is Completion.

From What Was, What Is, What Will Be, on 12/31/07

...I am going forward. If it is merely one step forward, followed by another, I am going forward into tomorrow. And I will step forward into the new day and I will remember, soon, who I am, where I am going and why I am here. And I will take this year day by day, remembering that each step forward brings with it a new dawn. The sun unfailingly shines, breaking through any clouds. Each day it rises and hope shines anew... And, with it, I rise. I will rise to be who I am meant to be and I will believe with all the naivete of youth that this year will be the year. It is my year. It is my year to shine and be magical.

From Welcome!, on 1/1/08

...And, truthfully, I no longer am interested in wasting my life and even though I imagined
frittering away the day to avoid life, I rose from the bed to greet the day... And... going forward into 2008, I am stepping forward with one question, one statement and one reminder for myself:
Self, what is my divine purpose or my design today?
I live my life fully and experience all aspects of my Self, taking one hundred percent responsibility for who I am, what I do and how I communicate.
Life becomes lively when I participate instead of watch.

From Solitary Gratitude, on 1/3/08

...There, in the bathroom, alone and feeling grateful for the serenity, I realized, yet again, my profound need for that very thing - serene space. I realized, yet again, that this year is about creating that...

(I wasn't going to include this next one. However, as I was reading it, I thought, "Nah. That doesn't count as something I have set in motion." [This particular entry sparked an online family spat, which I am imagining is still lingering somewhere in the ethers, waiting to erupt in person.]As I was going on to the next entry, I began choking so violently that I peed myself. Oh. My. God. This one is big. So... I am putting it in.)

From Left Out, on 2/3/08

...I wasn't invited. This is a common occurence. What I don't understand is why I am still bothered by this, after all these years. But, I am...

From The In-Crowd, on 2/6/08

...These things are my noticings and I am wondering how I turn around this pattern of continually putting myself outside the circle. I am wondering how to become the person who gets invited, who people want to be with, maybe even long to be with. I am wondering how I find the natural knowing of when to stay, when to go, when to switch, when to stand still. I am wondering how to become open to self-awareness, ease and flow in every area of my life...

From Out of My Mind, on 2/15/08

...So, yes, I welcome the "scared out of my mind" way of being right now. It is a radically different approach from me that is keeping me solidly in my body, where I am present for every single decision that needs to be made. It also opens space for me to tap into my intuition. My brain is terrified. My body and intuition, however, are one hundred percent certain that I am doing the right thing and everything is going to be okay in the end. So, I commit to being scared out of my mind and going forward anyway...


Ummmmm... ye-eah. No wonder the lessons are getting big! I have called in some big shit. WOW! YAY ME????

The In-Crowd

Excerpt from my upcoming book Above the Clouds...

~~~

It was fall, 1978 and I was, once again, walking into an unfamiliar school in the middle of the year. I was bombarded with all the same fears I had dealt with so many times before. Will they like me? Will I find a friend? Will the teacher be nice? Will they tease me? Will I be lonely?

After getting my classroom number from the secretary in the front office, I turned toward the indicated hall. The sun coming through the glass doors at the end of the hall blinded me as it reflected off the recently polished floor. The hall was quiet, yet I could hear the murmur of voices from behind closed doors. I could have sworn my echoing footsteps were actually the sound of my heart pounding unsteadily in my chest.

I stopped before the appropriate door and glanced down at the paper to assure myself that I had arrived at the correct place. Trying to calm myself, and stalling for time, I deliberately and carefully folded up the note, “Mr. Peterson room 6,” I stood silently staring at the door. There were no sounds coming from within. I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not.

Biting my lip, I made a thorough inspection to verify that every button and zipper were properly clasped. Then I placed my hand upon the cold doorknob and said a little prayer.

“Heavenly Father, if you are listening, please help me be brave.”

The door’s creaking hinges challenged the sound of a gunshot in a silent meadow and, of course, everyone focused on me. Each student had a book before them, explaining the silence and the teacher was hidden behind a stack of papers upon his desk.

“Come in,” said the man as he stood and stretched to his full height, towering over six feet tall. I studied him, trying to deduce if I had found a friend or foe. His thick, wavy brown hair stood haphazardly upon his head as if he had failed to use a brush that morning and his auburn beard and mustache were long and unkempt. I smiled at his belly, thinking of Santa.

Then he said, “I’m Mr. Peterson. You must be Angie. We’ve been waiting for you and saved you a seat right over there.”

He grinned the friendliest smile I had ever seen and I knew I had an ally.

Never having been the class clown or overly outgoing, I had never been part of the “in crowd.” I was quiet, inward and liked to read. That didn’t go over well with kids my age, so I usually stuck to myself and stayed in the background. I was quick to learn who was ‘in’ and who was ‘out’. Which girls copied and which girls were to be copied. I also quickly learned that Mr. Peterson and my guardian angels had set me at the “in crowd” table and they took me under their wings. For the first time in my life, I was the girl that other girls wanted to be with, be like and do for. Yet, I was still able to be friends with everyone. Every day was like a dream come true. I had found my bosom friends. I would run home bursting with tales of “The Gang.” It was the happiest time of my life.

~~~

This morning as I drove to work repeating my new mantra I commit to being open to self-awareness, ease and flow in all areas of my life... I had the thought pop up that I have been spending my entire life trying to fit in with the In-Crowd. Other than the year I spoke about above, I have always been on the outskirts of that crowd. I am not exceedingly ugly, crippled, stupid or boring. I am, however, usually quiet and waiting for others to draw me out, shy upon meeting and have a propensity for introspection and inward-focused activities like reading and writing.

There are reasons for why I am this way and there are reasons for why I have never really fit in anywhere. There are also reasons for why I have chosen, since I was fourteen, to partner with just one person to the exclusion of all others. These reasons are rooted deep in my childhood and are patterns that I am looking to unearth and redo.

I choose to be healthier in my relationships, all relationships - money, health, sexual, spiritual and in the area of my genius. This choice creates an uncomfortability at times as I wiggle my way out of the old and into the new. And, as I do so, I am becoming painfully aware that I still don't fit in anywhere. I am part of a community that is primarily gay/lesbian, while being heterosexual. In this community of artisans, musicians, deep-thinkers and comedians, I am inward, yet longing to be noticed for who I am. I am in a state that is predominantly Mormon while I am decidedly not. I am quiet in a realm where noise is required to get noticed. I am noisy in places that require quiet. I am excluded where I want to be included and included in things that I would rather not be a part of. I am a singer who cannot really carry a tune and lacks the balls to get in the spotlight and even attempt to belt one out. I am a writer afraid to publish and a teacher without a class. I am a wealthy person without money. I am the "Other Woman" in several non-sexual partnerships. Sadly, I am a misfit in practically every area of my life.

The interesting thing is that even when I am participating in activities that would appear to outsiders as being "In Crowd" activities (i.e., high school drill team, high school dance teams, college dance troupes, professional belly dancing troupes) I was still not included in that crowd. In fact, in high school, I specifically remember being the only girl without a roommate for summer drill camp. The team captain sighed loudly and said in a tone I judged to be the epitome of martyrdom, "I will be Angie's roommate."

And while all this could be viewed as me being unique, that is only a softer way of saying you are weird and don't belong here.

Please note, I am sharing this to out myself. The voice I hear in my head as I write this is calm and introspective, lacking the nasal-tone whining of one who is groveling for attention. These things are my noticings and I am wondering how I turn around this pattern of continually putting myself outside the circle. I am wondering how to become the person who gets invited, who people want to be with, maybe even long to be with. I am wondering how I find the natural knowing of when to stay, when to go, when to switch, when to stand still. I am wondering how to become open to self-awareness, ease and flow in every area of my life...

committING, committED, COMMIT

Dear MegaBeth~

After much thought, meditation and visualization regarding what to do next with ALC, I have come to a decision. Even without reading the documentation you two have prepared! :)

I feel really strongly that I must continue on with ALC, if you will have me. I am interested in the Street Creds as a Life Coach, as well as the business building ideas that you spoke of at graduation. I am also interested in completion of the full cycle. I felt a little half-baked after last year's course, mostly because I personally went in a bit skeewompas to begin with. I have a much clearer understanding of what to expect from the course AND myself this year, which will be beneficial.

The money is the one stitch for me. Honestly, I am scared about that commitment. I *have* to get a place of my own this year and that will require lots of money, as well. AND I am willing to be open to my money situation looking/feeling/being different. I am wondering about how I can do ALC AND get my home, easefully and with laughter.

I imagine that you two are a bit leery to go into another money agreement with me. I, too, am nervous. I went in last year with the best intentions (although completely unconscious and unaware of where I was financially) and I tanked big time. I commit to playing full out where ALC is concerned and where my money is concerned. I commit to staying conscious where my money is concerned, as well. Good news is, I know EXACTLY where I am financially right now. And, while it is not as pretty as I had hoped it would be by now, I DO know where I am. And I do know that, given where I am at this very exact moment, I can financially afford to do ALC this year.

I want you to know how much I value what I have learned at your feet. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow and play with the two of you. And I feel it is important to say that this is no light commitment I am making, financially. It is important to me to complete ALC AND it is important that I move forward financially AND I am open to my money situation being so much better by year end AND having a home to call my own ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I would appreciate your support, as well as ALC's, in helping me to achieve this great undertaking!

I love you guys and feel blessed to have you in my life. Let me know if this is all acceptable with the two of you.

With love,
Angie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That is a letter I posted to my mentors last night - feeling excited and scared and happy all at the same time. I am excited for this adventure! I commit to playing full out and being open to changing my relationship with money exponentially.

And, as a reminder for myself...

I am here to lead with love

through my Creative Expression,

Divine Vision, Accepting Heart

and by BEING Love!