Truly, I have SO MUCH to be grateful for and my tears are overflowing with the abundance of love that is coursing through me. I've been so blessed over this year - the most difficult one of my life to date. I've learned so much about me, found so much magic and have grown nearer to the woman I was meant to be here on earth. I've found more stones for my footpath and have finally began recognizing the Divine within me.
I feel powerfully moved by the message of this song and the images in this following video. Thank you, Rascal Flatts, for putting my feelings into words and singing it for the world to hear. And, especially, thank you for allowing me to embed this powerful message into my blog.
But, mostly, thank you, God, for being there for me. Always.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Reflecting Back to Me
I'm so grateful for the loved ones in my life. I'm so grateful for my friends and family members who so gloriously reflect back to me that which I'm unable to see in myself... both good and bad. I feel blessed by the presence of so many amazing people in my life and, as I see myself through their eyes and get to know myself more by loving them, I'm learning what an amazing person I am myself. It's such a beautiful gift!
Over the last nine months, I've had the opportunity to go within myself in a way I never have before. Everything I've held dear has crumbled around me - several friends ended their relationship with me all within a 3-week period; friends have died; other friends are in the final throes of dying. I've given up everything I once thought was important. I'm without a stable job and income. I'm without a place of my own to live. I'm without almost every worldly possession I once called my own. I'm experiencing the least amount of money I've ever had since I was 15 years old. I've taken a leave of absence on my relationships with my family members. Even my daughter is spreading her wings and taking flight. This has resulted in me going within to dredge up the final sludge - the dirtiest, stickiest and most foul-smelling grime - that has been holding me captive so that I could free myself from my own bonds.
Last night I attended the "Farewell to Life Skills with Megan" class and experienced immense healing and closure of a very pivotal chapter in my life. Many people there last night have willfully and publicly chosen out of my life and terminated close relationships I had cherished. I've been hurt and I've felt sadness so deep that I knew I was pulling up from the depths of me that which had never been released. Walking into that space was one of the most terrifying things I've done. I chose to just sit with what was, feel my feelings and STAY. In the end, I was grateful that I had gone within, to find MY home and that, because I had, I was safe. I was saved. And I walked away knowing I had completed that which I had come there to complete. I had found ME.
This morning, I called a dear friend, Auretha, to get clear on a couple things we had been discussing via email. Through my relationship with her, I've come to understand huge things about myself and have uncovered many of my flaws as I've stumbled, time and again, ungracefully in her presence. Bumping up against her, going head to head and, at times, turning completely away from her has shown me the grace within me that I had been refusing to claim.
As she and I talked and laughed, I shared with her some of the healing aspects I had experienced last night. I shared about the transformation I witnessed within myself and, at the end of my sharing she said, "Angie, as I listen to your voice you feel... found. To me, you feel found."
I laughed and said, "Yes, Auretha! I do feel found!" I started to share with her about the closure aspect of the evening's events and found myself getting really distracted. All around me there were cop cars, stopped and blocking roads. I continued to try to carry on conversation with her, growing evermore distracted by the flashing lights and uniforms. Streets to the side of me were closed. Streets up ahead were closed. Cops everywhere. And still I kept trying to talk to her.
Suddenly, around the corner came an entire brigade of motorcycle cops with their lights flashing.
"Is there a famous person's funeral or something going on?" I distractedly asked her, as I gave her a blow-by-blow of what I was witnessing. She was quiet on her end. I rambled on about the lights and the uniforms and, still kept trying to complete the thought I had been in the middle of expressing.
Two dozen officers rounded the corner as I came parallel with them. Then I saw them. There were runners. Lots of runners. And cyclists.
"Is there a marathon today, Reth?" She had no time to answer because I blurted, "Oh! There's a torch! They're running an Olympic torch. Are we having the Olympics somewhere this summer??? Oh! How cool! A torch!!!"
On her end, she was quiet, but I could feel her smiling.
"I'm so sorry, Reth," I said, coming back to myself and realizing I had totally lost track of where I was. Judging myself for being rude, I apologized again. "I certainly got distracted there. So sorry!"
I could hear the smile in her voice when she asked, "Do you remember what we were talking about?"
I felt my Good Student pop up and I scrambled frantically for the answer, afraid to disappoint my friend. "Oh, yes! You had just finished saying that I felt found and I was wrapping up my experience of feeling found."
"Yes. You were sharing that you are found. You are complete, my friend. And look at what God sent you!"
I got chivels as she continued, "You are ready and God sent you a brigade of beautifully uniformed officers, flashing lights and an Olympic torch to show you you are ready for the games to begin. This year is going to be so big for you, Angie!"
Tears ran down my cheeks and I realized, once again, how very blessed I am that I have so many eyes through which I can see myself. Thank you, Reth, for being my eyes in that moment. And thank you, God, for sending me such a clear message.
Over the last nine months, I've had the opportunity to go within myself in a way I never have before. Everything I've held dear has crumbled around me - several friends ended their relationship with me all within a 3-week period; friends have died; other friends are in the final throes of dying. I've given up everything I once thought was important. I'm without a stable job and income. I'm without a place of my own to live. I'm without almost every worldly possession I once called my own. I'm experiencing the least amount of money I've ever had since I was 15 years old. I've taken a leave of absence on my relationships with my family members. Even my daughter is spreading her wings and taking flight. This has resulted in me going within to dredge up the final sludge - the dirtiest, stickiest and most foul-smelling grime - that has been holding me captive so that I could free myself from my own bonds.
Last night I attended the "Farewell to Life Skills with Megan" class and experienced immense healing and closure of a very pivotal chapter in my life. Many people there last night have willfully and publicly chosen out of my life and terminated close relationships I had cherished. I've been hurt and I've felt sadness so deep that I knew I was pulling up from the depths of me that which had never been released. Walking into that space was one of the most terrifying things I've done. I chose to just sit with what was, feel my feelings and STAY. In the end, I was grateful that I had gone within, to find MY home and that, because I had, I was safe. I was saved. And I walked away knowing I had completed that which I had come there to complete. I had found ME.
This morning, I called a dear friend, Auretha, to get clear on a couple things we had been discussing via email. Through my relationship with her, I've come to understand huge things about myself and have uncovered many of my flaws as I've stumbled, time and again, ungracefully in her presence. Bumping up against her, going head to head and, at times, turning completely away from her has shown me the grace within me that I had been refusing to claim.
As she and I talked and laughed, I shared with her some of the healing aspects I had experienced last night. I shared about the transformation I witnessed within myself and, at the end of my sharing she said, "Angie, as I listen to your voice you feel... found. To me, you feel found."
I laughed and said, "Yes, Auretha! I do feel found!" I started to share with her about the closure aspect of the evening's events and found myself getting really distracted. All around me there were cop cars, stopped and blocking roads. I continued to try to carry on conversation with her, growing evermore distracted by the flashing lights and uniforms. Streets to the side of me were closed. Streets up ahead were closed. Cops everywhere. And still I kept trying to talk to her.
Suddenly, around the corner came an entire brigade of motorcycle cops with their lights flashing.
"Is there a famous person's funeral or something going on?" I distractedly asked her, as I gave her a blow-by-blow of what I was witnessing. She was quiet on her end. I rambled on about the lights and the uniforms and, still kept trying to complete the thought I had been in the middle of expressing.
Two dozen officers rounded the corner as I came parallel with them. Then I saw them. There were runners. Lots of runners. And cyclists.
"Is there a marathon today, Reth?" She had no time to answer because I blurted, "Oh! There's a torch! They're running an Olympic torch. Are we having the Olympics somewhere this summer??? Oh! How cool! A torch!!!"
On her end, she was quiet, but I could feel her smiling.
"I'm so sorry, Reth," I said, coming back to myself and realizing I had totally lost track of where I was. Judging myself for being rude, I apologized again. "I certainly got distracted there. So sorry!"
I could hear the smile in her voice when she asked, "Do you remember what we were talking about?"
I felt my Good Student pop up and I scrambled frantically for the answer, afraid to disappoint my friend. "Oh, yes! You had just finished saying that I felt found and I was wrapping up my experience of feeling found."
"Yes. You were sharing that you are found. You are complete, my friend. And look at what God sent you!"
I got chivels as she continued, "You are ready and God sent you a brigade of beautifully uniformed officers, flashing lights and an Olympic torch to show you you are ready for the games to begin. This year is going to be so big for you, Angie!"
Tears ran down my cheeks and I realized, once again, how very blessed I am that I have so many eyes through which I can see myself. Thank you, Reth, for being my eyes in that moment. And thank you, God, for sending me such a clear message.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Drawing Nearer
Over the last few years, my life has been about finding me. In that process, I've discovered something amazing. I've discovered God. Now, truly, I always "knew" that God was there, that the Universe was listening, that there was a Higher Power. However, while I "knew" it, I didn't really believe it. Don't ask me how I pulled that off. My brain is kinda interesting that way.
I was raised in religion but, for me, the connection to my source did not occur until years after I left the church in which I was raised. I remember the first time I actually felt the presence of God inside me. I remember the feeling of wholeness and fullness that was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. I felt full of love and peace and... compassion. Compassion for myself. For the first time in my life, I felt compassion toward myself.
Now, I spend my days in constant communication with God. Although I'd love to say that it looks like me listening more than talking, that isn't quite the case. I do a lot of talking with Him because I have a lot of years to make up for. But, in the quiet moments, when I least expect it, He answers me, He talks to me.
I will be suddenly surprised by a line in a movie or the lyric of a song or a thought in a book. I will catch a glimpse of an image that means something entirely different to me in that moment. I will overhear parts of the conversations of others floating on the wind. I will have a mind-blowing, detail-filled dream. And with each of these occurences I humble myself and feel grateful that I'm drawing nearer to the person I want to be and to the Being I want to be more like.
And I count myself blessed to BE ALIVE, living this life and becoming. Thank you, God, for never giving up on me.
I was raised in religion but, for me, the connection to my source did not occur until years after I left the church in which I was raised. I remember the first time I actually felt the presence of God inside me. I remember the feeling of wholeness and fullness that was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. I felt full of love and peace and... compassion. Compassion for myself. For the first time in my life, I felt compassion toward myself.
Now, I spend my days in constant communication with God. Although I'd love to say that it looks like me listening more than talking, that isn't quite the case. I do a lot of talking with Him because I have a lot of years to make up for. But, in the quiet moments, when I least expect it, He answers me, He talks to me.
I will be suddenly surprised by a line in a movie or the lyric of a song or a thought in a book. I will catch a glimpse of an image that means something entirely different to me in that moment. I will overhear parts of the conversations of others floating on the wind. I will have a mind-blowing, detail-filled dream. And with each of these occurences I humble myself and feel grateful that I'm drawing nearer to the person I want to be and to the Being I want to be more like.
And I count myself blessed to BE ALIVE, living this life and becoming. Thank you, God, for never giving up on me.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Leaving...
I am leaving and it is reminding me of a previous time when I left. In light of that, I feel inspired to post an excerpt from my upcoming book, Above the Clouds...
I tried, really, I did! I tried to be good. I tried to be everything “they” thought I was supposed to be. I made sure I sat in church every Sunday – even after moving to Salt Lake, away from the pressure of the religious standards set by my father. I was there, with my beautiful baby, every Sunday, sitting alone with just her. No one talked to me. And why would they? In a church [the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints] that preaches Families are Forever, where did a recently divorced mother of one daughter fit in....
I no longer fit within the confines of that religion. When I was younger, I had been able to fake it well enough so that I did fit in, but I couldn’t fake it anymore. I felt as though I stood out like a glowing neon beer sign mistakenly hung over the sacrament table.
I kept at it, though... I was bound and determined to get back in to God’s good graces. I straddled the fence for a long time. One foot in the safety zone – The Church. One foot on The Other Side. I was afraid to let go of all that I had known because it was all that I had known. But, no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t feel right anymore. It wasn’t me.
I began to stretch and question and that was frowned upon in The Church. I had once been told that whatever I was seeking, I would find the documentation to back it up. Whether I was looking to support or refute The Church, I would find what I was looking for. Therefore, it was an unwritten – and spoken only under everyone’s breath and from behind their hands – that, if I did have any questions I wasn’t supposed to go looking.
One of the most often quoted scriptures within the Church states, “Now I ask, is this faith? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it.... And now as I said concerning faith – faith is not to have a knowledge of things; therefore, if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” (Alma 32: 18, 21)
So, you see, I was simply supposed to have faith. Blind faith. There was to be no questioning. No knowing. Only faith. Plain, simple faith. And any question that could not be clearly or logically answered through the scriptures, those were the questions I really needed to have faith about....
Then I had a memory. I had once heard in a childhood Sunday School class that, in the end, those who were straddling the fence would be judged the most harshly. That memory was the deciding factor. It was time that I made a decision for myself. It was time that I took a stand for who I am, what I believe and why I am here. It was time that I put my faith in God, instead of religion, and find Him. It was time that I find the answers for myself, on my own. So, I took my foot out of the safety zone and set it firmly on The Other Side....
I shared that excerpt because I am, yet again, in another place of "leaving." For several years, I have been involved with a community wherein I have discovered a lot about myself, who I am and who I want to be. This community has given me many forward-thinking philosophies and tools for interrelating and communication. I feel blessed to have been a part of this group.
Now, however, I am standing on that same precipice... straddling the fence of what was and what will be. I no longer fit in this community and find that I must, again, strike out on my own. I am scared that my life may be a continual string of "striking out on my own." I fear that I will be alone for the rest of my journey... that there is no community in which I fit... that there is no partner brave enough, strong enough, compassionate enough to stand beside me... that I will be an outcast forever...
Looking back, I realize that I survived when I took both of my feet out of religion. More than surviving, I have lived. I am proud of who I have become. And I remind myself that I am only who I am because I made that decision. This decision too will have it's consequences and rewards.
Have faith, Angie... because you do know.
*sigh*
****
I tried, really, I did! I tried to be good. I tried to be everything “they” thought I was supposed to be. I made sure I sat in church every Sunday – even after moving to Salt Lake, away from the pressure of the religious standards set by my father. I was there, with my beautiful baby, every Sunday, sitting alone with just her. No one talked to me. And why would they? In a church [the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints] that preaches Families are Forever, where did a recently divorced mother of one daughter fit in....
I no longer fit within the confines of that religion. When I was younger, I had been able to fake it well enough so that I did fit in, but I couldn’t fake it anymore. I felt as though I stood out like a glowing neon beer sign mistakenly hung over the sacrament table.
I kept at it, though... I was bound and determined to get back in to God’s good graces. I straddled the fence for a long time. One foot in the safety zone – The Church. One foot on The Other Side. I was afraid to let go of all that I had known because it was all that I had known. But, no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t feel right anymore. It wasn’t me.
I began to stretch and question and that was frowned upon in The Church. I had once been told that whatever I was seeking, I would find the documentation to back it up. Whether I was looking to support or refute The Church, I would find what I was looking for. Therefore, it was an unwritten – and spoken only under everyone’s breath and from behind their hands – that, if I did have any questions I wasn’t supposed to go looking.
One of the most often quoted scriptures within the Church states, “Now I ask, is this faith? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it.... And now as I said concerning faith – faith is not to have a knowledge of things; therefore, if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” (Alma 32: 18, 21)
So, you see, I was simply supposed to have faith. Blind faith. There was to be no questioning. No knowing. Only faith. Plain, simple faith. And any question that could not be clearly or logically answered through the scriptures, those were the questions I really needed to have faith about....
Then I had a memory. I had once heard in a childhood Sunday School class that, in the end, those who were straddling the fence would be judged the most harshly. That memory was the deciding factor. It was time that I made a decision for myself. It was time that I took a stand for who I am, what I believe and why I am here. It was time that I put my faith in God, instead of religion, and find Him. It was time that I find the answers for myself, on my own. So, I took my foot out of the safety zone and set it firmly on The Other Side....
****
I shared that excerpt because I am, yet again, in another place of "leaving." For several years, I have been involved with a community wherein I have discovered a lot about myself, who I am and who I want to be. This community has given me many forward-thinking philosophies and tools for interrelating and communication. I feel blessed to have been a part of this group.
Now, however, I am standing on that same precipice... straddling the fence of what was and what will be. I no longer fit in this community and find that I must, again, strike out on my own. I am scared that my life may be a continual string of "striking out on my own." I fear that I will be alone for the rest of my journey... that there is no community in which I fit... that there is no partner brave enough, strong enough, compassionate enough to stand beside me... that I will be an outcast forever...
Looking back, I realize that I survived when I took both of my feet out of religion. More than surviving, I have lived. I am proud of who I have become. And I remind myself that I am only who I am because I made that decision. This decision too will have it's consequences and rewards.
Have faith, Angie... because you do know.
*sigh*
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Writhing
I am writhing
And burning up
Internal temperature escalating
Skin crawling with a million red-hot ants
Scorching welts and hives rise and fall on my fair skin
Turning me into the surface of Mars
Searing
Dry
Seemingly uninhabitable
For which, I suppose, I should be grateful
But, I'm not
Because something is alive in me
Although the All-Knowing-They
Know Not
Not even one whit
Not even an inkling
What it could possibly be
A virus perhaps, They say
Just wait it out, They say
Just live with it, They say
Fuck
Is this what I have succumbed to?
Just live with it?!
What have I unleashed?
What am I choosing to resist?
What rage am I hiding from?
Yeah, fuck that
As one of my instructors once said
Sometimes a fever is just a fever
And it's time to stop analyzing it
So... yeah... maybe it is just a fever
And maybe that extremely remote chance
Of it being West Nile
Is only that, an extremely remote chance
Nothing to worry about
And maybe just because They
Could not narrow it down to what it is
But, instead, narrowed it down
To what it is not,
Maybe I should be grateful for that
And maybe, just maybe
The tides are going to change soon for me
'Cause God and all His angels know
I am tired of being Mars
I am tired of being in bed
I am tired of being weak
I am tired of processing
I am tired of anger
I am tired
Enough already
And burning up
Internal temperature escalating
Skin crawling with a million red-hot ants
Scorching welts and hives rise and fall on my fair skin
Turning me into the surface of Mars
Searing
Dry
Seemingly uninhabitable
For which, I suppose, I should be grateful
But, I'm not
Because something is alive in me
Although the All-Knowing-They
Know Not
Not even one whit
Not even an inkling
What it could possibly be
A virus perhaps, They say
Just wait it out, They say
Just live with it, They say
Fuck
Is this what I have succumbed to?
Just live with it?!
What have I unleashed?
What am I choosing to resist?
What rage am I hiding from?
Yeah, fuck that
As one of my instructors once said
Sometimes a fever is just a fever
And it's time to stop analyzing it
So... yeah... maybe it is just a fever
And maybe that extremely remote chance
Of it being West Nile
Is only that, an extremely remote chance
Nothing to worry about
And maybe just because They
Could not narrow it down to what it is
But, instead, narrowed it down
To what it is not,
Maybe I should be grateful for that
And maybe, just maybe
The tides are going to change soon for me
'Cause God and all His angels know
I am tired of being Mars
I am tired of being in bed
I am tired of being weak
I am tired of processing
I am tired of anger
I am tired
Enough already
Thursday, September 06, 2007
God Light
One of my favorite images that photographers capture is "God Light." I have always wanted to have my own piece.
I caught some this morning...
I caught some this morning...
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Conversations
This morning, as part of my Happy Practice, I chose to use five minutes of my time to share gratitude with the Universe.
At first, I was being silent and just speaking inside my head. I found that, when I did that, my mind strayed easily. So I changed tactics.
I lay upon my bed, arms spread wide, eyes open and spoke my heart out.
As I spoke, I found a profound sense that the Universe was listening.
I continued on, feeling myself thicken into the delicious sensations of gratitude. The atmosphere in my home and outside my window was silent and welcoming.
I spoke aloud, "I am enough," in a slow, languorous
Just outside my window, a bird responded back in the same rhythm.
I spoke aloud, "I have enough," pausing between the strength of the word "have" and enough.
The bird responded alike.
I spoke the sentences each two more times, using different rhythms and speeds. Each time, that bird replied and matched me.
Tears fell to my pillow as I realized that the Universe was not only listening, but was actually carrying on a conversation with me.
God is really there.
At first, I was being silent and just speaking inside my head. I found that, when I did that, my mind strayed easily. So I changed tactics.
I lay upon my bed, arms spread wide, eyes open and spoke my heart out.
As I spoke, I found a profound sense that the Universe was listening.
I continued on, feeling myself thicken into the delicious sensations of gratitude. The atmosphere in my home and outside my window was silent and welcoming.
I spoke aloud, "I am enough," in a slow, languorous
Just outside my window, a bird responded back in the same rhythm.
I spoke aloud, "I have enough," pausing between the strength of the word "have" and enough.
The bird responded alike.
I spoke the sentences each two more times, using different rhythms and speeds. Each time, that bird replied and matched me.
Tears fell to my pillow as I realized that the Universe was not only listening, but was actually carrying on a conversation with me.
God is really there.
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