Awhile ago, I posted this video because I was so completely moved when I heard the song and then even more powerfully moved to tears when I watched the video. Shortly thereafter, YouTube took it down because it was an unauthorized video. I felt sad.
This morning I happily discovered that the artist has an official YouTube page now and the video is available again. Therefore, I'm sharing it here because I think the message is something that is timeless and applicable to any and all who believe...
Blessed be, my friend.
And here we have... Salvador's Aware... Enjoy!(lyrics follow video)
Even in the little things That never seem too big to me And the things that I thought Didn’t matter much at all
As simple as my daily bread To the strength I need to get out of bed When I fly, when I’m about to Fall
It’s you in me That I fail to see
Make me aware, make me see Everything I am is not all about me Take my world, turn it around So that the obvious can finally be found
Make me aware, make me aware
When my life is hanging from a thread And I think about the things you said In this moment seems so far away
Help me see the guarantees That first brought me to believe So I can make it through another day
Oh, it’s you in me That helps me to breathe
Make me aware, make me see
Everything I am is not all about me Take my world, turn it around So that the obvious can finally be found
Make me aware I have been missing so much Not recognizing your touch All acknowledging you’re the reason I’m even here
I have been missing so much Not recognizing your touch
Make me aware, make me aware
Help me see, Everything I am is not all about me Take my world, turn it around So that the obvious can finally be found Make me aware, make me aware
My new favorite song speaks volumes and nails what I believe about life. I've included the lyrics and a video for your listening pleasure. I chose this specific video because the power of the images. I believe that our soldiers embody the message of this song. Thank you Jeffy and those who are willing and able to serve our country:
"Stand" by Raskal Flatts
You feel like a candle in a hurricane Just like a picture with a broken frame Alone and helpless Like you've lost your fight But you'll be alright, you'll be alright
[Chorus:] Cause when push comes to shove You taste what you're made of You might bend, till you break Cause its all you can take On your knees you look up Decide you've had enough You get mad you get strong Wipe your hands shake it off Then you Stand, Then you stand Life's like a novel With the end ripped out The edge of a canyon With only one way down Take what you're given before its gone Start holding on, keep holding on
Cause when push comes to shove You taste what you're made of You might bend till you break Cause it's all you can take On your knees you look up Decide you've had enough You get mad, you get strong Wipe your hands, shake it off Then you stand, then you stand
Everytime you get up And get back in the race One more small piece of you Starts to fall into place Oh
*After All by Dar Williams. This song gets me every time. *Going through the fire and coming out on the other side whole and stronger for having done so. *Loving so completely, so fully that when it's over I can confidently KNOW that I gave it all I had. *Watching reform and healing happen before my very eyes because I have loved. *And the reform is happening not only for the person that I have loved but for those around him too BECAUSE I have loved him. *Feeling my purpose rising to the surface to remind me of the miracle of me. *Feeling alive with every breath, every tear and every giggle. ~ I AM ALIVE!!!
Okay... so... I'm driving home with my daughter tonight, feeling tender and raw after a few fairly emotional days. She and I find things to laugh about and I like that. Even in my saddest moments, she is able to bring laughter into my world. I cherish the gift of her.
As we drove, this Carrie Underwood song - that I've never heard - came on and I started sniffling right from the beginning because the first verse speaks to my brother and sister-in-law's situation. My daughter quietly says, "Shey-Shey cries when she hears this song."
Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen... oh dear! The second verse comes on and I am sobbing. I can't help it. She's singing about my life.
I think... through the tears... that the third verse can't possibly apply. She's hit all the aspects of my life. And then... she starts singing my grandpa's story. What I want to know is... who has been reading mine and my family's blogs and writing songs about us?! :)
What a gorgeous song...
Little boy, 6 years old A little too used to bein' alone Another new mom and dad,another school Another house that'll never be home When people ask him how he likes this place He looks up and says with a smile upon his face
"This is my temporary home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know this is my Temporary Home."
Young mom on her own She needs a little help got nowhere to go She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out Because a half-way house will never be a home At night she whispers to her baby girl Someday we'll find a place here in this world
"This is our temporary home It's not where we belong Windows and rooms that we're passin' through This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going I'm not afraid because I know this is our Temporary Home.
Old man, hospital bed The room is filled with people he loves And he whispers don't cry for me I'll see you all someday He looks up and says "I can see God's face"
"This is my temporary Home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know this was My temporary home."
Soooo... as the day has gone on and I've been moving through my emotions, I came across this song from one of my longtime favorite artists, Whitney Houston. Apparently it is an old song, but it's one I've never heard before. And then I cried some more. I'd like to share it with you here...
Song: Try it On My Own Artist: WHITNEY HOUSTON
I'm wiser now I'm not the foolish girl you used to know So long ago I'm stronger now I've learned from my mistakes which way to go And I should know I put myself aside to do it your way But now I need to do it all alone
And I am not afraid to try it on my own I don't care if I'm right or wrong I'll live my life the way I feel No matter what I'll keep it real you know Time for me to do it on my own Yeah yeah, mmm, yeah yeah
It's over now I can't go back to living through your eyes Too many lies And if you don't know by now I can't go back to being someone else Not anymore I never had a chance to do things my way So now it's time for me to take control
And I am not afraid to try it on my own I don't care if I'm right or wrong I'll live my life the way I feel No matter what I'm gonna keep it real you know Time for me to do it
Oh I start again go back to one I'm running things my way Can't stop me now, I've just begun Don't even think about it There ain't no way about it I'm taking names, the ones of mine Yes I'm gonna take my turn It's time for me to finally stand alone, stand alone
I am not afraid to try it on my own And I don't care if I'm right or wrong I'll live my life the way I feel No matter what I'm gonna keep it real you know It's time for me to do it See I'm not afraid
And then I found this and the tears came more forcefully as my eyes were opened...
Song: I Look to You Writer: R. Kelly Artist: Whitney Houston
As I lay me down Heaven hear me now After giving it my all I’m lost without a cause After giving it my all
Winter’s storm has come And darkened my sun After all that I’ve been through Who on earth can I turn to
I look to you I look to you
After all my strength is gone In you I can be strong
I look to you I look to you
And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song I look to you
About to lose my breathe There’s no more fighting left Sinking to rise no more Searching for that open door And every road that I’ve taken Lead my regret And I don’t know if I’m going to make it Nothing to do but lift my head
I look to you I look to you
And when my strength is gone In you I can be strong
I look to you I look to you
And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song I look to you
My levees are broken My walls have come Tumbling down on me The rain is falling Defeat is calling I need you to set me free Take me far away from the battle I need you Shine on me
I look to you I look to you
After all my strength is gone In you I can be strong
I look to you I look to you
And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song I look to you I look to you I look to you
As I have studied the 40's, I've come to discover that most (if not all) of the Top 10 hits during that era were happy, positive songs. I'm imagining that was to contrast the state of worry, fear and ugliness that was going on around the world at that time. I'm imagining that focusing on the happy and positive aspects of life would help greatly to turn around the state of OUR world too.
So, in that respect, I am posting this video. While there is absolutely nothing impressive about the video itself, it's the song that I love! It is my newest, favorite song, although it truly hit the Top in the mid 40's. When I listen to this song, I access my little girl energy instantly and start grinning and dancing.
My daughter and I rocked out on the way to school/work this morning. I have a new favorite song that I want to share with you. I LOVE the beat and especially love the chorus. Some of the lyrics are dirty-rank and, I even love that. *gasp!*
Let it Rock - Kevin Rudolf, Feat. Lil' Wayne
(Verse 1 : Kevin Rudolf) I see your dirty face High behind your collar What is done in vain Truth is hard to swallow So you pray to God To justify the way you live a lie Live a lie Live a lie
and you take your time and you do your crime well you made your bed i'm in mine
(Chorus) Because when I arrive I, I bring the fire! Make you come alive I can take you higher what this is, forgot? I must now remind you Let It Rock Let It Rock Let It Rock
(Verse 2: Kevin Rudolf) Now the son's disgraced He, who knew his father When he cursed his name Turned, and chased the dollar But it broke his heart So he stuck his middle finger To the world To the world To the world
And you take your time And you stand in line Well you'll get what's yours I got mine
(Chorus...) Because when I arrive I, I bring the fire Make you come alive I can take you higher what this is, forgot? I must now remind you Let It Rock Let It Rock Let It Rock
(Verse 3: Lil Wayne) Yeah! Wayne's world Planet Rock Panties drop And the tops And she gunna rock 'til the camera stop I sing about angels like Angela (rock) And Pamela (rock) And Samantha (rock) And Amanda (rock) And Tamara (rock) menage à moi In here like bitch what's up Mechanic, me, I can fix you up I can dick you up I can dick you down Shorty we can go wherever just pick a town And my jewelry is louder than an engine sound Big ass rocks like on the ground Dirty like socks thats on the ground Weezy
(Chorus) Because when I arrive I, I bring the fire Make you come alive I can take you higher what this is, forgot? I must now remind you Let It Rock Let It Rock Let It Rock Because when I arrive I, I bring the fire Make you come alive I can take you higher what this is, forgot? I must now remind you Let It Rock Let It Rock Let It Rock Just Let It Rock Let It Rock Let It Rock Let It Rock Let It Rock
(Lil Wayne) Im back like I forgot somethin Im somethin Rulein Rock rubbin' rap runnin' Miles like its trying to get a flat stomach Like Wayne the personal trainer My aim is perfect I'll bang ya Period, like the remainder
(Kevin Rudolf) I wish I could be As cool as you And I wish I could say The things you do But I can't and I won't live a lie No not this time
One of my most all time hated songs is, "The Christmas Shoes" by NewSong. When the story behind this song first was released through viral emails about ten years ago, I was moved and tearful. On the first three readings. After about the tenth time it showed up in my inbox, I wanted to barf. Then, much to my horror, some one hit wonder made it into a song. Lord help me! Now, each time it comes on my radio, I groan and quickly change the station. There are three stations here in Utah that have been playing Christmas music pretty much full time since November 1st. The other day I experienced the uncomfortable discovery that different versions of this horrific song were playing on all three stations at the same time!!! Ugh...
And with that background given, the plot thickens...
The one thing I have always loved about my former husband is his great, big tender heart. Most times, it is hidden beneath a jagged, thick, prickly exterior that is generally difficult to see through or around. Most often, he acts gruff and uncaring.
However, I know him to be kind, generous and incredibly loving.
Most people don't see him that way and, frankly, I forget it too. Until something like this happens.
I got a text at 7:00 am this morning that read...
I'm sitting in front of 7-11 bawling my eyes out listening to the song, "Sir, I want to buy these shoes". Today I am happy...... :-)
Boy! Has that song taken on a whole new meaning for me now!
One of my most favorite things about my life, about being alive at this time on this planet ,is that our modern technology has a way of connecting people in ways that have never before been available to us. I love that my life is rich with people from all walks of life, from all around the world. I am grateful that I am fed so completely by my interactions with people whom I may never meet face to face, but love nonetheless. I love that there are more and more of us seeking to create a change through 100% honesty, accountability, genius, creativity and through, most importantly, love.
I was visiting one of my friend's blogs today, Cele, and now find myself sitting here with tears running down my face. I am so touched by the magic of this life and the beauty that can be found all around the world. I had never heard of this program, Playing for Change, before and am grateful to Cele for posting this video, which introduced me to it.
Go ahead! Press that little play button! Ya know you want to! :)
(if you click anywhere other than the play button, it will take you to the website where I created this player.)
This morning I chose to SING as my ten minutes of creativity simply for the sake of creativity. It seemed appropriate that I chose the Carpenters to accompany me. I have delicious memories of being a young child and dancing in front of our mammoth stereo that was taller than me and ran almost the entire length of our living room wall. I remember standing in front of the speakers that were lattice-work with nubby material behind them and feeling the vibration of the music. The louder, the better, of course. My mom would put that record on and I would dance and sing. Absolute pure joy.
Those feelings came back to me today as I turned up the stereo really loud and danced and sang. I was all of a sudden a little girl again and everything seemed right with the world. I had no worries about how I was going to pay my bills next week. There was no sorrow or fear. There was only me, in my jammies, little and carefree.
Okay, sooooo... I really don't "get" all these reality tv shows. I don't really watch them and, in fact, avoid them like the plague, for the most part. Accept, Dancing With the Stars. That, however, is not really by choice. My dad and his wife, apparently, seem to think that is good television and they get really into it. It is on in their household if they are home, so sometimes I relent and take in a bit of it. Oh. And, I used to be involved with America's Next Top Model. Then something happened... the show got really stupid and I stopped watching.
Anyway... I don't really follow reality tv, or any show for that matter. Television sucks the life out of me so if I choose to turn it on, it is usually to watch a movie. I know these reality tv shows are on because people talk about them all the time. There are clips about it on MSNBC news for godsake. Since when is a television show newsworthy? Ya got me, but it happens.
Today, as I was working away, listening to my streaming yahoo radio, I heard a song that caught my attention. The lyrics were written in my language, the new language I am learning, the language of "here and now." I stopped typing and listened, then went on a search for the lyrics. Lo and behold! It's by Jordin Sparks. Apparently she is someone important because there were a gabillion sites for her. I followed the first link to the lyrics and read it through, loving the lyrics even more and discovered there that Jordin Sparks is important because she was an American Idol finalist. Don't know if she won, nor do I care, but I do love this song...
Jordin Sparks This Is My Now Lyrics
American Idol Season 6 (2007) Winner Song
There was a time I packed my dreams away. Living in a shell, hiding from myself.
There was a time when I was so afraid. I thought I'd reached the end, But baby that was then I am made of more than my yesterdays.
This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment. As I look around I can't believe the love I see. My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt That was then, this is my now.
I have to decide, Was I gonna to play it safe. Or look somewhere deep in side, Try to turn the tide, And find the strength to take that step of faith.
This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment. As I look around I can't believe the love I see. My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt That was then, this is my now.
And I have the courage like never before, yeah. I've settled for less now I'm ready for more, Ready for more.
This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment. As I look around I can't believe the love I see. My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt That was then, this is my now.
I'm living in the moment I look around I can't believe the love I see. My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt That was then, this is my now. This is my now.
It is Sunday. I am at the kitchen table, wondering what to do next. I feel tired and want to go back to bed, yet I don't. I look out the windows and see the snow softly floating down and don't know whether to be ironically amused or ticked off. Today, I had wanted to plant pansies at my office to make that space more inviting. I wanted to be able to pull up in front of the office and feel happy first thing, rather than looking at the dead grass, the weeds and all the cigarette butts and shattered beer bottles. The area in which my office is located is not the happiest place on earth - surrounded by a hip-happening Irish bar, a not-so-exciting CPA, an underground gambling ring, an Asian market and a drug testing facility. It's an odd combination of humanity those locales draw. Most of them are indifferent to honoring another's space.
However, it is snowing. No planting of pansies today.
And, as I sit here, thinking about yesterday's post I am listening to Sounds of the Sabbath which is bouncing reverently around the living room. One of my all time favorite hymns fills the air...
Where Can I Turn for Peace? (Hymn #129) Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace When other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, Seaching my soul? Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand, to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He, only One. He answers privately, Reaches my reaching In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant He is and kind, Love without end.
As I child, I was taught that God was outside of me and love came to me, from outside of me. Those most cherished "things" were way far outside of me, sometimes even "up there" and that, somehow, I was supposed to "do" something to earn them both. There was a juxtaposed belief that it was my divine right to have both, yet, I had to "be" good to do so. It was conditional.
Now, as an adult and far removed from the religion of my upbringing, I am trying to find my own truths, rather than ride into heaven on my dad's coattails. I am confused. The messages coming to me frequently are, "You just gotta love yourself, Ang. The love comes from the inside."
I have no frame of reference for this way of thinking. It is so foreign to me. Love has always been something that has come at me and, when it came from me it went to someone else, someone outside of me. In ALC, the facilitators have a little hand gesture they do to show what they mean - they point outward and then slowly sweep their pointing finger inward toward their chest to signify "bring it inward." I see the move. I do the move. I just don't understand what it means.
Where do I turn for peace? I no longer know. I feel like I am wandering in a desert. Alone. Without a tribe. I feel very alien in this world... and am achingly aware that this aloneness is creating more aloneness. I long to connect, yet the message is I need to do that for myself first. If I want to connect with others, yet I have to do it for myself first and that doing it for myself first is an absolutely foreign concept which I do not understand... well, then... what the hell? I feel trapped in this desert, destined to wander alone because I don't know how to love myself first.
Like JulieAnn outted about herself in her email reply when Fairy busted out with this week's Talk Thursday topic, I heard Cher belting out a passionate love-gone-wrong anthem in her oh-so-recognizable, sexy, throaty vibrato, all the while clad in some edging-on-inappropriately-revealing outfit ... If I Could Turn Back Tie-emm...
(I don't care what any of you say! She is one fucking hot broad - plastic, nipped, knifed and wrapped or not, she is amazing!)
I was curious about my own thoughts and feelings on this particular subject - once the concert finished and Cher took her bow. I got really silent and just sat there. Waiting.
I got nothin.
In that silent stillness, I realized that nothing would come, no matter how long I waited.
I am tired of fruitlessly attempting to turn back time. I am exhausted by the endeavor of living in the past and wondering why that goddamn ghost of once was does not materialize into something real.
I have gotten a taste - all salty and sweet and gritty - of what it is like to actually live in the now. To actually put behind me that which is that... behind me. I have experienced what it is like to long to go back and then realizing that that longing is a futile endeavor and a big waste of my precious energy. And while this is all so very new to me, this being present, I am clear that going forward is all I want to do.
I know longer wish to turn back tie-emm. That was then and it was good, then. It is what has made me who I am today. It is me.
I have a fairly lengthy daily commute, usually through intense traffic and seemingly gazillions of cars. In the morning, the bulk of the trip is driving into the sunrise. In the evening, I am driving into the sunset. And while both of those situations could be scenes from some lovely fairy tale, it makes for quite unpleasant driving conditions, at times.
I realized, as I was driving this morning, that I am actually really active during this process. Here is some of what I was aware of...
THINGS I DID -Drove 6mph over the posted speed limit everywhere except in the neighborhood and school zones, then I was dead-on the speed limit. -Isometrics. -Mascara at the red lights. -Sang at the top of my lungs. -Danced and bounced. -Radio channel surfing when a boring song or the commercials came on.
THINGS I SAW -A man walking down the sidewalk, leaning over sideways to the left in his crookedness. -A massive, ominous black truck in my rear-view mirror. The driver of this truck wore a black head wrap and which also covered the lower half of his face. All I could see was the bridge of his nose and his black eyes peering into mine in the reflection. -A yellowish-gray atmosphere hanging heavily with pollution, the sun fighting in vain to glare through the thickness and blinding me through the pasty windshield which I desperately need to clean, yet lack the fluid to do so. -A locally-owned donut shop packed to the gills with men waiting in line. -A large, square-head shovel on the freeway entrance. -A young boy skateboarding awkwardly while trying to balance his overflowing backpack. -An obviously intoxicated group of six men in front of the Indian Walk-in Center. -A gargantuan flock of pigeons in the exact same two places they are every single morning - the north side of the Walmart on 1300 South; half of the flock is on the same patch of ground every morning eating something and the other half is lording over them from the telephone wires above.
THINGS I HEARD -Over-anxious honking from the driver beside me. -One of my all-time favorite songs: Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield
-A new favorite, which I heard for the very first time this morning: Into the Ocean by Blue October
-Raspberry Beret by Prince (sorry... no good video to post...) -Many other songs and commercials which did not grab my attention.
THINGS I FELT -Sourness in my belly from the orange juice/echinacea/colloidal silver concoction I drank this morning on an empty stomach. -Fuzzy tongue. -Heat and movement in my muscles as I did my isometrics. -Happy to be alive. -Curious. -My damp hair against my face. -Momentarily and instantaneously afraid when I looked into the eyes of that man wearing what appeared to be a snipers mask. -Worried that the crookedly-left-leaning man was going to topple over in his awkward gate.
THINGS I THOUGHT -I wonder how Jeffy is doing while he is here at home, on leave from Iraq. -When someone says to me, "I hear you are angry," are they really hearing me or are they just saying that because they have been trained to do reflective hearing? Could it be that they really aren't hearing me, but are just saying that because it is reflexive? -I wonder if my father's wife is actually really scared that she got laid off of work late Sunday night? -Do car salespeople enjoy selling cars? -Were the lyrics of Raspberry Beret based on a personal experience? Why "raspberry"? Was it because "raspberry beret" sounds good together? Or did he just want to work the word "raspberry" into one of his lyrics? Cranberry Beret sounds good too. -I should have brushed my teeth again after drinking the OJ so my tongue wouldn't feel so fuzzy and my mouth wouldn't taste like ass. -Do those men value the free health care and STD testing they will receive at the walk-in center? -A story about that man in the snipers mask being a terrorist. Hurry get away fast! -I need to clean my windshield. I need to get windshield wiper fluid. I need to get my car inspected this month. Shit! How am I going to pay for that? -Mmmmmmmmm.... donuts. Do I want a donut? Keep driving, Angie. You don't need a donut. -Someone is going to miss their shovel. They will have no idea where they lost it. -Who invented the skateboard and why? -What in the hell are those pigeons eating every day? -Apparently a nanosecond of hesitation throws of his driving mojo, hence the need to lay down on his horn so obnoxiously. What an ass. -What are the lyrics to this song??? This is awesome! Who is this group? They sound like an 80's band. OOOOh! I love 80's music! When did I get old enough to be retro? I will look up the lyrics when I get to work. I wonder... is it called Swim Away or Let the Rain Come Down or Into the Ocean???? Shit. I will search them all. I have never heard this song before. I am probably way behind the times, but I la-la-LOVE this song!!!
(Editorial: After listening to this song ALL morning, watching the video and then reading the lyrics while the song played one time through, I discovered a few errors. I have corrected/added in the lyrics as I hear them and they are in bold.)
i'm just a normal boy that sank when i fell overboard my ship would leave the country but i'd rather swim ashore
without a life vest, I'd be stuck again wish i was much more masculine maybe then i could learn to swim like 'fourteen miles away'
now floating up and down i spin, colliding into sound like whales beneath me diving down i'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out the lighthouse beam has just run out i'm cold as cold as cold can be be
i want to swim away but don't know how sometimes it feels just like i'm falling in the ocean let the waves stop, take me down let the hurricane set in motion (yeah) let the rain of what i feel right now...come down let the rain come down
where is the coastguard i keep looking each direction for a spotlight, give me something i need something for protection maybe flotsam junk will do just fine the jetsam sunk, i'm left behind i'm treading for my life believe me (how can i keep up this breathing)
not knowing how to think i scream aloud, begin to sink my legs and arms are broken down with envy for the solid ground i'm reaching for the life within me how can one man stop his ending i thought of just your face relaxed, and floated into space
i want to swim away but don't know how sometimes it feels just like i'm falling in the ocean let the waves stop, take me down let the hurricane set in motion (yeah) let the rain of what i feel right now...come down let the rain come down let the rain come down
now waking to the sun i calculate what i had done like jumping from the bow (yeah) just to prove i knew how (yeah) it's midnight's late reminder of the loss of her, the one i love my will to quickly end it all sat front row in my need to fall
into the ocean, end it all into the ocean, end it all into the ocean, end it all into the ocean, end it... all
(zayra) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
i want to swim away but don't know how sometimes it feels just like i'm falling in the ocean let the waves stop, take me down let the hurricane set in motion (yeah) let the rain of what i feel right now...come down let the rain come down let the rain come down
into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) (in to space) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) (i thought of just your face) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
...It's official. After listening to this song about eight times while writing this and reading the lyrics, I totally LOVE this song!!!
(video added so you can download and have the actual song to which I refer later as the background music for your reading pleasure.)
It was 1988. I was an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, an active participator in the local Young Adults Ward and the Ward Physical Fitness Director. I had actually come up with the idea of combining singles mingling with singles moving. It was a kick ass dang good idea and the Young Adults (aged 18-30) all jumped on the bandwagon, leg-warmers, headbands and all.
I was excited to lead the aerobics class; dancing and aerobics being my passion back then. I was also excited to have my recently-returned missionary boyfriend of almost-three-years being front and center each and every night that I taught class. We met Mon, Wed, Fri at 6:00am for an hour and Tue and Thu evenings at 8:00pm for an hour. He was there every night, egging me on to shake my ass really get the class enthused and moving.
There were elaborately choreographed numbers where everyone got to learn the dance and we used them time after time so that even the most clumsiest of aerobicizers could get a grip. There were grand traveling numbers that got us bouncing around the entire carpeted gymnasium/basketball court/auditorium. Circle-up numbers where we did a Hokey-Pokey sort of performance. And lots of laughter.
For an hour each day, we bounced around that gym laughing and bumping into each other and getting our bodies moving. I led my friends through movements that got their heart rates up, their flirtation levels up and their eyes up. We interacted. We danced. We hopped. We jumped. We breathed.
I picked music that inspired me to move and bounce and laugh. Said boyfriend helped me mix and compile the most fucking totally awesome hour-long tape of music that would absolutely not allow anyone to stop moving. I picked one particular song, "Yes!" by Mary Clayton from the ever-popular-most-raved-about soundtrack of that time, Dirty Dancing. I didn't really listen to the words of the song (big mistake). All I knew was that that song got me bouncing about instantly.
So, one Thursday night, we were all revved up and dancing about the gymnasium as "Yes!" thundered out of the boombox behind me. Laughter was bouncing off the walls as much as we were. There was not a still body anywhere to be seen. Didn't matter how fat or skinny, how old or young, male or female, the entire room was packed with moving people. Boyfriend, front and center, was casting inviting grins my way and all was right with the world.
In walks three white-haired Suits looking all patriarchal and proper. When I felt the invasion, I glanced at them long enough to see that they stood at the entryway, each with one foot in and one foot out, jaws agape, faces white. They each wore looks of horror. I felt the stares of the Suits more than I saw them and I watched as, one by one, the jubiliant exercisers stopped moving. The high energy of the gym was sucked out of the space instantaneously.
The middle one, Stake President SoAndSo pointed dramatically to my best friend who happened to also be the Relief Society President of our ward. Then he pointed militarily at the hallway, his silent communications saying, "You! Get your ass to my office now." She moved timidly toward the door, following the Suits out the door. We all looked at each other, uncertain as to the problem and, yet, reluctant to begin bouncing about again. I suddenly became aware of the words of the chorus blasting through the air...
Yes! We're gonna fall in love And it feels so right Yes! We're gonna make love It's gonna be tonight I can just imagine Huggin and teasin and Lovin and squeezin all night
SHIT! Shoot.
I turned the music down thinking that maybe it had been just because I had it up louder than was proper for the church gymnasium, yet knowing it was the actual words that had bothered them. Especially that one certain line...
The sucking of our energy was plainly visible and I realized that I had lost the entire group. I felt deflated. The group unenthusiastically began moving again, their moves decidedly less happy and more constrained. Half-heartedly I finished out the rest of the session, so very grateful when the cool-down music started. I imagined I heard a sigh of relief sweep through the group.
Two days later I was called into the Young Adult Ward Bishop's office. Apparenlty, he had been called into the Stake President's office over the Thursday Night incident. Apparently, the music I had chosen was inappropriate. Apparently, I was being held responsible for the entire Young Adult Ward's moral behavior. Apparently, my choice of bouncy music was not at all appropriate, let alone in the church, and especially let alone broadcasting it to a group of impressionable young adults (again, aged 18-30).
I was admonished to be more thoughtful about what I allowed into my presence because music such as that would surely lead to my immoral fall from grace. (Little did he know I was well on my way there already, music or no.) Then, I was released from my position.
It's Saturday and I feel lazy. It's a beautiful day outside and I hear myself berating myself you should be up and at 'em, girl. However, I don't wanna. I want to stay inside and hibernate. I want to stay in my pajamas and watch television while cuddled under a blanket. Thing is, I want to do this with only my daughter in tow. Which is possible for the next few hours as dad and his wife have gone to The Funeral uptown. They are missionaries so they got special tickets which delighted the both of them. They will actually be sitting in the Conference Center with the big wigs. One of the perks of serving the Lord.
For me, though, I didn't have any desire to attend the funeral and have found myself surprised by the reaction of thousands of people who seem to be mourning the passing of their lifelong best friend. It is as if they have had a personal relationship with this man, every single one of them. Am I missing something? Am I missing some really important emotional gene that allows me to connect with the death of a prophet like that? It isn't just because I have left The Church that I do not have these feelings. These feelings of mourning the passing of a 97 year old man who lived a good and full life are just absent.
When I was 8 or so, I got to meet President Kimball. My dance troupe was performing for the General Authorities on the 26th floor of the Church Office Building, which was really an honor. Up close and personal with some of Utah's most famous "celebrities." After the performance, President Kimball approached me and my young dance partner. President Kimball complimented us on our performance and shook our hands. He was gentle and kind and smiled a huge smile that I still remember. I was star-struck and felt so connected to him in that moment. Still, when he died nine years later, I did not wail and moan and feel as though I had lost my best friend as it seems all these people are doing for Hinckley. So I wonder... is there some gene that I am strangely lacking?
Mr. Millionaire stated yesterday, "Angie, you just get it. You understand death as being a GOOD transition to a different place." Could that be it?
I don't know. All I know is I want to cuddle under my blankets and be lazy today. Oh. And maybe I will venture out to the house concert tonight of my friends Mary and Leraine. They are amazing musical genuises whom would be reason enough to come out from under the covers!
I read this morning in the blog of one of my mentors, Megan Sillito, the following statement: Take a moment to notice how the universe is giving you exactly what you said you wanted even if it isn't taking the form you thought it should.
In the moment I read that, I felt a myriad of emotions colliding in me all at once. Anger. Sadness. Frustration. Anger. Anger. Anger.
Yeah. There is anger again. Sheesh. Can't seem to get away from her, can I? Even as much as I want to and even as much as I have spent my life being successful (?) at escaping anger, I cannot do it any more.
(I am continually surprised how my blog posts tend to take on their own legs and take me in directions that I had no idea I would be traveling at the moment I began writing. Perhaps that is why I use this to process myself.)
Honestly, I feel angry that I am sick again. And I feel angry when I think that this could be the Universe showing me what I am missing...
As I have written before, I made no resolutions this year. Instead, I have three things that I am going forward with into 2008. One Question. One Statement. One Reminder.
Question: Self, what is my divine purpose or my design today?
Statement: I live my life fully and experience all aspects of my Self, taking one hundred percent responsibility for who I am, what I do and how I communicate.
Reminder: Life becomes lively when I participate instead of watch.
With that being said (again), I am stumped as to how this being sick is working for me in support of any of that. I don't see how it is part of my purpose. I don't see how it is helping me participate in life. I can see how it may be an example of being not responsible. Perhaps I am slacking in that area.
I just. don't. know.
I feel angry.
And, really, come on, Angie! Who wants to read this drivel? This is so not the direction I thought I was heading.
Yep. I feel angry.
... and then... a miracle happens...
Just as I am getting ready to post, this song comes on...
It's lame, I know... but this song below is the one that is playing on the stereo right now and it is the only thing in my head so it seemed appropos to jot it down for you...
Daniel Powter "Bad Day"
Where is the moment we needed the most You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost They tell me your blue skies fade to gray They tell me your passion's gone away And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low You're faking a smile with the coffee you go You tell me your life's been way off line You're falling to pieces every time And I don't need no carryin' on
Because you had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know You tell me don't lie You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day The camera don't lie You're coming back down and you really don't mind You had a bad day You had a bad day
Will you need a blue sky holiday? The point is they laugh at what you say And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day The camera don't lie You're coming back down and you really don't mind You had a bad day
(Oooh.. a holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink And the whole thing turns out wrong You might not make it back and you know That you could be well oh that strong And I'm not wrong
(yeah...)
So where is the passion when you need it the most Oh you and I You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know You tell me don't lie You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day You've seen what you like And how does it feel for one more time You had a bad day You had a bad day
