Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Post #800

It seems somewhat appropos to do a ceremonial 800th post. Wow! 800 pieces of wittiness and wisdom from me! Can ya even stand it??? LOL

Thing is, I don't have much wisdom or wit this morning. My brain is stirring for other things, so I thought I would share with you my JenGie reading. (to learn more about what JenGie is, CLICK HERE.)

Friday morning, I began to get the first stirrings of illness. It was interesting watching the symptoms creeping up on me. First one then the next one. I was speaking with Jen while they appeared and on the other end, between coughing spasms, she was trying to be supportive. I finished my project and went to bed. I spent the rest of the day and on until noon Saturday in bed drinking lots of Emergen-C and taking high dosages of Oscilloccinum. The symptoms have stayed in check.

This morning, I did a JenGie reading...

House of Light
~Yellow~
Each day is a fresh start. Use it wisely.

House of Order
~Five~
See your vision through completion. Visualize your creations as whole, complete and fabulous!

I smiled as I read that because it is SO applicable with where I am. I have chosen to do a revision of my website and get it on a free server so that I can get rid of the $50/month hosting fee. It is a HUGE process. What better time to do it than while I am sick???!

It's funny. When I'm sick, I stay in and be still, physically. But my brain goes wild and I will literally go mad if I don't create during the physical stillness. Today I am using my brain power to see this project completed and fabulous. I feel excited!!!

With love,
Angie

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

It's No Biggie!

“It’s about the size of a tampon,” the ultrasound tech said as she left the examination room. She had instructed me to pee - of which I was very grateful - get undressed from the waist down, lie back down on the examination table and cover myself with the sheet.

After doing all that, I lay silently and stared around the room. It had been about twelve years since I had been in an ultrasound examination room. The last time had been when I was pregnant, in pre-term labor at 30 weeks and the doctors were afraid I was losing my baby. Back then, I had only had the external exam with the stunningly cold, gooey gel and a big-headed microphone-looking thingie. There had been no internal exam and I wasn’t prepared to have anything stuck up inside my vagina – tampon-sized or not.

She walked in moments later nonchalantly waving around a wicked looking baton. She was so casual about the way she wielded her weapon, I almost was able to convince myself that it wasn’t the “tampon-sized” instrument of which she had spoke. I certainly had never seen a tampon that big before!

“I’m going to put some cold gel on the end of this, then I will hand it to you under the sheet for you to insert.”

She had been messing around out of my line of vision so I wasn’t sure what the “that” was to which she referred. When she stepped out from behind the machine, to my utter horror, she held the same evil wand erect. It was coated in a medical condom, glistening with goopy gel and I about shot through the ceiling.

“Tampon?! That’s the biggest fucking tampon I have ever seen!”

She giggled. “It only goes in to about here,” she indicated about two inches from the tip. It was, approximately eighteen inches long so I was relieved to see that, although I didn’t really believe her that it was only going in two inches. However, it wasn’t the length that bothered me because I knew, logically, that it would only go in as deep as I was and, truthfully, I ain’t all that deep. What horrified me was the girth. That sucker was at least the size of an erect penis and I wasn’t feeling sexual or open at the moment. Nor could I remember ever using a tampon that was that... wide.

Being a woman, I’ve come to discover, has its drawbacks and its benefits. I am amazed at what my body does and, yet, it’s really not fun to be felt up – from the inside out – by an inhuman, unbending, unforgiving tool that looks like a glow-in-the-dark Billy Club. She rotated the tool around inside my uterus, explaining she was trying to find my left ovary that seemed to be hiding from her. Ovary?! Is it located in my upper ribcage??!

After having intercourse with an ultrasonic device, without a kiss and without an orgasm, the exam was declared complete and my mortification gratefully came to an end. I wondered obscenely for a moment about what I could have sexually accomplished with that tool had she left me to my own devices. No such hope. She took the machinery with her and I was left to clean off the residual goo and gather myself back together.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Into the Darkness

Last night at dinner, I swallowed a "big bubble" while sipping Sprite. I remember saying, "OW! That hurt!" And I felt the super ball-sized object lodge in my throat. I felt no fear or panic, just physical pain. Then I felt it lodge in my upper chest. "OW!!! That hurts!" I grabbed my chest where it was lodged and I felt it slip down into my esophogus and felt it move every inch through my body. Next thing I know, my daughter was tugging on my hand yelling, "Momma! Momma! Come back!" The diagnosis was "vasovagal syncope" which means my vagus nerve interpreted that pain in my chest as life threatening, instructed my heart to slow down, dropping my blood pressure drastically and causing me to pass out.

In between the moment of "OW" and having Kait pull me back, I went to a place that felt really right. Everything was bright and there were so many people I knew, who knew me. I talked and laughed and related with them and felt like I spent forever there. Kait said I was out less than 30 seconds, though. I was so surprised to find myself sitting in the booth at the restaurant, rather than in that bright space I had been in. The restaurant was as loud as if I were sitting right next to the speakers at an AC/DC concert. The overhead lights were as bright as suns. The smells were overpowering. It felt like the room was 500 degrees and I was drenched in sweat like I had just got out of a pool. And even the tiniest movement caused me to spin and almost barf.

When the EMTs insisted on and assisted me with getting on the gurney, I did throw up in a red bio-waste bag, filling it 3/4 full. It was violent and unstoppable. Twelve rounds and then I lost count. I felt seemingly every pebble in the road as we raced to the hospital. Each turn seemed as the ambulance and I were going to spin off the planet. The needle the tech poked in the crook of my left elbow to start the IV felt as though it were an epidural needle and it was going to poke out my shoulders.

I spent the first couple hours at the hospital with a cold, wet rag on my eyes and forehead and, behind that, I was in a dark space. There was a moment when I was laying there and it felt like I was experiencing tunnel vision, the space got darker and narrower somehow. At the same time, it felt like I was being sucked into the bed, there was a vise grip squeezing my head and I could feel my brain moving around in my skull, like it was trying to slide out the back. My leg muscles twitched for hours, as if I had been working out for days and I was so cold to the core that I had three heated blankets on me and was still shivering.

It wasn't until about 11:30pm, 6 hours after it started, that I felt like I was fully back in my body. They ran blood tests, xrays, EKGs and a CAT scan. Every test and scan came back the same: you are in perfect health, more than perfect health. The doctor was mystified by my experience and totally at a loss for words. I felt afraid.

Today, I feel tired and achy and uncertain. There isn't much else I can tell you. Anything beyond what I've shared now goes into story.

Thank you for your love and holding space for me to return.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Morning

Morning has broken... and actually, it broke almost moments after I had fallen asleep. I think the last time I looked at the clock, it said 4:24. I awoke at 8:14. WTF???

I don't feel tired, however. Which is weird. Although, neither do I feel healthy. I really dislike the gooey-booger-clogged-nasal-passage-to-upper-throat thing I have going on. So gross.

More details than ya wanted?

Yeah. I know.

I'm like that sometimes.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Spring Fever


I've been inside the house since, pretty much, Sunday evening. I ventured out on Monday, for about three painful, disasterous hours at work. Other than that, I've been holed up inside these four walls.


Today, the outside called to me. Dressed in my jammies and my big, green fluffy bathrobe, I slopped myself outside onto the porch to soak up some vitamin D. We live near the private airport. The air was filled with the sound of bi-planes, singing and sailing through the air. The wind tossled the crisp dry leaves and sent them skittering and jumping down the street. The sunshine felt delicious on my face. And the still-cool-crisp air made my eyes water. I loved the sounds floating on the wind of neighbor's chimes and the laughter from the school playground.


While it did not heal me, it did raise my spirits.


And seeing the tight buds on the trees and the green midgets of daffodils poking up through the wood chips and the mounds of dirt brought me lots of hope.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

YAY ME!

I feel like poo. And, despite that, while I have been home sick this entire week, I have taken a bit of time to put the finishing touches on my book proposal. In between the cough spasms and the need to sleep, I got it all done and submitted. I feel excited about this. I feel especially proud that, after so many years, it is finally complete.

I feel excited!

ew... and sick... damn stuppy nodes

Sunday, December 28, 2008

oh dear...

*whispering*

was that a sniffle and a sneeze I just experienced?

Damn! I thought I had gotten away from that damn cold bug that my father and his wife have been passing around for nie on two months now.

Shit.

sniffle sniffle cough

AHHHHH! CHOOOOOOOO!

Damn.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Freeing Skwanky T

Freeing Skwanky T
Angie K. Millgate reporting for Tebbs News

Recently, the multi-talented musical genius, conscious thinker and love coach, Mary Tebbs, began experiencing a frightening reduction in her vision, which prompted her to visit an ophthalmologist for relief.

“I had all these symptoms I’d written off on account of getting old,” Tebbs said. “When the little bits of white light began building walls in my peripheral vision, I got scared. I like seeing. I’m a visual person.”

The visit to the ophthalmologist on Wednesday, July 9th revealed she had an abnormal growth, which prompted the ophthalmologist to declare, “You have a tumor.”

“You talkin’ to me?” Tebbs had replied, looking around the room for clarification. An MRI brain scan the next morning exposed a tumor the size of a ping pong ball growing on her pituitary gland. The tumor had compressed and stretched the optic nerve, resulting in the narrowing line of vision.

In keeping with her tradition of playing easefully with her life, Tebbs opted to interview the tumor. Tebbs shared, “He’s definitely male and he looks like a kiwi. He’s from the hood yo, a gangsta and a pranksta here to mess with my head. He goes by the name Skwanky Tui on account of he’s livin’ on my pituitary gland.”

Tebbs was admitted to the University of Utah Hospital late Sunday evening and is currently residing in bed #2 in room #414 as she awaits her surgery on Tuesday with William T. Couldwell MD, PhD, who is the best in the nation for this type of surgery.

“I feel great,” Tebbs said during her interview. “They’re calling the tumor benign and a 100% chance of an easeful recovery without complications. They don’t have to cut open my head. They’re goin’ through my nose and that’s all the details I want about that, yo.”

Tebbs is laughing and having fun with everyone who crosses her path, bringing amusement to the hospital in surprising ways. She is open to receiving an abundance of love, well-wishes and visitations, as well as text messages. “On account of the tumor, I don’t like to be on the phone for a long time,” Tebbs stated.

Going through the contractions of this transition, Tebbs has become aware of just how much her relationship with money has shaped her life. For a long time, she made money or the lack thereof more important than living. With the appearance of her friend, Skwanky T., that has shifted and she is stepping fully into embracing her life and receiving abundance. Being uninsured, Tebbs is facing huge medical bills. A website has been created to receive monetary donations www.freeskwanky.com Your generous donation to this cause is greatly appreciated.

Return to this website for continual updates. Other sites where you can find information regarding Ms. Tebbs:

www.freeskwanky.com
www.theappreciationcircle.com
www.myspace.com/marytebbs
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=686068593

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Itchy-Itchy

I have discovered that I am allergic to some essential oils and I feel sad about that because if I am going to smell pretty, I would rather it be with a natural substance, rather than some chemical concoction.

I first discovered I was allergic to Sun's Eyes Mystic Blends "Protection" oil about five years ago. I had experienced a bout of vertigo that knocked my socks off and had my head spinning. So not a nice sensation to have the world all tipped to one side or the other and feeling as though I am going to slide off it. I had gone to the doctor - still being an allopathic, Western Medicine sort of gal at the time - and she had perscribed some antibiotics for me, stating I had a deep inner ear infection. It was of the 'cilin family... amoxocilin, penicilin or one of those.

In the midst of this horrible vertigo experience, I had the realization that there was some sort of psychic attack taking place on my system. Having no idea what that really meant and only just feeling it, I was in panic mode. I felt weak and sick and there was something/someone who was making it worse. I went to a local artsy-fartsy, New-Agey, Froo-froo-laa-laa store and picked me up some of that Protection oil. It smelled pretty and I loved that the essence of it was protection.

I placed it on my third eye, behind my ears, on my throat and on my heart chakra. Within 20 minutes I was covered head to toe in a raging rash of huge, silver dollar-sized and significantly raised hives. There were two theories on the board: 1) I was allergic, truly, to the 'cilins and the Protection properties of the oil was alerting me to that or 2) I was allergic to the lemmon verbena in the Protection oil. Not knowing which it was and choosing to never again experience what felt like being doused in scalding oil for hours on end, I have since avoided both substances.

The other day, I was back in that local artsy-fartsy, New-Agey, Froo-froo-laa-laa store and was drawn, yet again to their Sun's Eyes Mystic Blends sections. I have had success with the Attraction oil, which I personally think is the sexiest smell around. No hives with that one. So I picked up another bottle. I also grabbed a bottle of Prosperity oil thinking it would be nice to attract in prosperity.

Four days ago, I dabbed some Prosperity behind my ears, on my wrists and on my heart chakra. By the end of the day, I was itchy. I figured it was just because I was sweaty and let it go at that. Three days ago, I applied it in the same spots. By the end of that day, there was redness. I brushed it off, again, as being sweaty and hot because I had had a pretty active day. Two days ago, a glutton for punishment and apparently unable to see the warning signs in my own body, I applied it, yet again, in the same spots. By midday, my cleavage and chest was covered in a fiery mass of welts and there would be no relief.

Yesterday - no, I didn't reapply it - the hives blistered up between my breasts. And when I went out to walk the park on my lunch, the cold wind caused the skin on my arms to prickle up and eventually I looked like I had chicken pox. Today the rash is a little less heated, but my skin is still tender and red beneath my breasts and my cleavage is itching like crazy. I feel so pretty.

So... I am beginning to wonder if this particular line of essential oils requires a carrier - meaning, mix them with another oil or lotion. I cannot find anything on their site saying that they do, nor has there ever been anything at the store stating that.

At any rate, I am allergic to the natural herbal essences called Protection and Prosperity. Isn't that interesting!

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Slipping Out

My sixteenth year was a big year. I got my driver's license. I started working at a "real" job and found a new boyfriend. I also frequently wrestled with one of my best friends who happened to be a linebacker, a full foot taller than me and four years older.

One day, he picked me up and body slammed me onto the couch, which was an ecstatic place to be, there beneath his beautiful body. I had about a nanosecond to enjoy the pleasure of feeling him atop me before stars filled the ever-deepening blackness in my head and my stomach churned. My skull had come into contact with the corner coffee table in the then-popular over-stuffed modular couches. My occiput (the ridge at the base of your skull) slammed into the solid, wooden edge with a hard enough of a crack that I was certain my head was shortly going to go rolling to the floor.

I didn't want to cry. Big girls don't cry, ya know and they definitely don't cry in front of the man they want to climb into bed with, even if they are only sixteen and have no idea what the hell that means. Instead, when he immediately sat up and helped me up, I laughed a nervous, jittery giggle while rubbing the knot on the back of my head and assuring him, "No, no. Really! I am really okay."

He apologized continually and I smiled lamely, "It's really okay," while consciously leaving my hands in my lap so I wouldn't keep rubbing my head and attracting his attention and apologies. I ignored the nauseau. I ignored the spots in my vision. I ignored the shooting pains.

It caused serious damage down my entire spine, however. It knocked all seven of my cervical vertebrae (neck) critically out of alignment and for a year afterward, I was silent about the excrutiating headaches. Reflexively, it also malaligned my five lumbar (bottom of the spine) vertebrae, especially the last two, which resulted in pain in my hips.

Finally, my parents could see the pain I was in, although they did not know the origin. For years, I went to a chiropractor who whacked and cracked me into place and I found some release.

Fast forward to today...

I have come to understand, now, that physical ailments, illnesses, diseases and, even, injuries are rooted in the emotional, energetic and mental bodies first. As I have grown in my profession, I have become accutely aware of my own body, my energy systems, my thought patterns, my emotional life and how they are all interrelated.

Now, on evermore rare occasions, my lumbar vertebrae will slide out of place. Because my lower spine is weak, it has now involved the sacrum (big triangular bone in your pelvis at the end of your spine) and my ilium (hips). This week is one of those weeks. It starts with stiffness all over my back - I imagine that a weakness has been detected along the spine and the muscles are struggling to hold me erect. And then, I will experience moments when I am unable to stand up with any speed and, once I do get up, I stand crooked. Then, at the most unforeseen and inopportune moment possible, I will reach for the toothpaste and that will be all she wrote. The SI joints (where the sacrum and ilium connect) will pop out, throwing my spine in an obviously, visible jag to the left or right in agonizing, blinding pain that takes away my breath and the inability to walk and breathe at the same time.

As I have gone through my week, I have been aware that my back is speaking to me. Given all that I have experienced over the last couple weeks, it is understandable. The lower back stores the energy of how one feels about "support" - financial and emotional. It goes without saying that my thoughts about "support" in this moment of my life are very weak and it is showing up in my back.

In the deep of the night last night, I yawned. I had no idea that I yawned while I was asleep and the only reason I know that I did was because my right SI joint flipped out of place for an instant and shot pain in every direction, waking me up in the middle of a gaping-jaw yawn. I was dreaming. I recently learned that when one is processing fear, yawning is common and it did not escape my noticing that it had been the yawn which had moved me. The images burned in my eyes. It had been a dream about my former husband.

Shaken, I rolled to the other side, seeking relief. Within an hour, I woke up in the middle of excrutiating pain in the middle of a yawn. This time it was on the left and the dream was about myself.

This morning, I am tired. My back is tight and weak. My neck is stiff and my range of motion is greatly hindered. And I feel scared that I am ignoring some really big things...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Yes!



(video added so you can download and have the actual song to which I refer later as the background music for your reading pleasure.)

It was 1988. I was an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, an active participator in the local Young Adults Ward and the Ward Physical Fitness Director. I had actually come up with the idea of combining singles mingling with singles moving. It was a kick ass dang good idea and the Young Adults (aged 18-30) all jumped on the bandwagon, leg-warmers, headbands and all.

I was excited to lead the aerobics class; dancing and aerobics being my passion back then. I was also excited to have my recently-returned missionary boyfriend of almost-three-years being front and center each and every night that I taught class. We met Mon, Wed, Fri at 6:00am for an hour and Tue and Thu evenings at 8:00pm for an hour. He was there every night, egging me on to shake my ass really get the class enthused and moving.

There were elaborately choreographed numbers where everyone got to learn the dance and we used them time after time so that even the most clumsiest of aerobicizers could get a grip. There were grand traveling numbers that got us bouncing around the entire carpeted gymnasium/basketball court/auditorium. Circle-up numbers where we did a Hokey-Pokey sort of performance. And lots of laughter.

For an hour each day, we bounced around that gym laughing and bumping into each other and getting our bodies moving. I led my friends through movements that got their heart rates up, their flirtation levels up and their eyes up. We interacted. We danced. We hopped. We jumped. We breathed.

I picked music that inspired me to move and bounce and laugh. Said boyfriend helped me mix and compile the most fucking totally awesome hour-long tape of music that would absolutely not allow anyone to stop moving. I picked one particular song, "Yes!" by Mary Clayton from the ever-popular-most-raved-about soundtrack of that time, Dirty Dancing. I didn't really listen to the words of the song (big mistake). All I knew was that that song got me bouncing about instantly.

So, one Thursday night, we were all revved up and dancing about the gymnasium as "Yes!" thundered out of the boombox behind me. Laughter was bouncing off the walls as much as we were. There was not a still body anywhere to be seen. Didn't matter how fat or skinny, how old or young, male or female, the entire room was packed with moving people. Boyfriend, front and center, was casting inviting grins my way and all was right with the world.

In walks three white-haired Suits looking all patriarchal and proper. When I felt the invasion, I glanced at them long enough to see that they stood at the entryway, each with one foot in and one foot out, jaws agape, faces white. They each wore looks of horror. I felt the stares of the Suits more than I saw them and I watched as, one by one, the jubiliant exercisers stopped moving. The high energy of the gym was sucked out of the space instantaneously.

The middle one, Stake President SoAndSo pointed dramatically to my best friend who happened to also be the Relief Society President of our ward. Then he pointed militarily at the hallway, his silent communications saying, "You! Get your ass to my office now." She moved timidly toward the door, following the Suits out the door. We all looked at each other, uncertain as to the problem and, yet, reluctant to begin bouncing about again. I suddenly became aware of the words of the chorus blasting through the air...

Yes!
We're gonna fall in love
And it feels so right
Yes!
We're gonna make love
It's gonna be tonight
I can just imagine
Huggin and teasin and
Lovin and squeezin all night

SHIT! Shoot.

I turned the music down thinking that maybe it had been just because I had it up louder than was proper for the church gymnasium, yet knowing it was the actual words that had bothered them. Especially that one certain line...

The sucking of our energy was plainly visible and I realized that I had lost the entire group. I felt deflated. The group unenthusiastically began moving again, their moves decidedly less happy and more constrained. Half-heartedly I finished out the rest of the session, so very grateful when the cool-down music started. I imagined I heard a sigh of relief sweep through the group.

Two days later I was called into the Young Adult Ward Bishop's office. Apparenlty, he had been called into the Stake President's office over the Thursday Night incident. Apparently, the music I had chosen was inappropriate. Apparently, I was being held responsible for the entire Young Adult Ward's moral behavior. Apparently, my choice of bouncy music was not at all appropriate, let alone in the church, and especially let alone broadcasting it to a group of impressionable young adults (again, aged 18-30).

I was admonished to be more thoughtful about what I allowed into my presence because music such as that would surely lead to my immoral fall from grace. (Little did he know I was well on my way there already, music or no.) Then, I was released from my position.

I still smile and bounce when I hear the song.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Sssssssssssssmokin'!

Never having been a smoker myself - never even having a desire to try smoking anything herbal or otherwise rolled in paper - I have difficulty comprehending the need to smoke.

My best friend is a smoker who is trying, ever so desperately, to quit. He even has gone as far as taking pills to numb out the neuroreceptors that need the nicotine. These pills are making him extremely pissy and not very fun to be around. However, he is smoking less. They were supposed to make him stop all together. That hasn't happened yet.

I support him in his quitting, judging smoking to be a vile habit. (No offense to those of you who do smoke.) I will miss the smell on him though because he smokes the earthy, natural tobacco of the American Spirit cigarettes, blue box. The smell of that tobacco is part of his scent. Now that he is smoking less, that aroma is a noticeably lighter layer, almost already disappeared. I had not realized how much I had identified the smell of that tobacco with him. Having it slowly fade has been an interesting experience for my senses.

I digress... had no idea I was going there today...

Anyway, I do not understand the need to smoke. I have never been able to grasp why someone would choose to stand out in a blizzard, just to smoke. I understand that it becomes a physiological, as well as psychological, need to smoke. I get that. However, it is hard for me to imagine being possessed by such a driving need, an almost compulsion it seems at times. Especially since the nation has become generally anti-smoking and fairly unfriendly and unaccomodating for the smoking population. As the laws stiffen to protect the non-smokers from second-hand smoke, the smokers are losing their rights to comfortably smoke.

I have always been curious (infuriated) by rules that place the rights of one group of people as more important than the opposing group of people's rights. And, yes, I know, in a world of duality, that is bound to happen. If I were a smoker, though, I think I would be mildly to wildly pissed off most of the time because I would be so inconvenienced when it came to getting my need met.

Again... didn't know I was going there either...

What I really wanted to share - or at least thought I did - was that I went to the Water Distribution Department today to pick up some redlined and approved site plans for a project my company is building. I have been there several times before but have never noticed this small glass enclosure.
For some reason, this morning, I took notice of it momentarily and assumed (incorrectly) that it was a covered bus stop. I felt all proud of the WDD for encouraging their employees to ride the bus to work by providing their very own enclosure to wait for the bus after work each day at their very own bus stop right in the parking lot of their very own place of employment.

Then, I realized there were people in there, apparently waiting for the bus.

Perhaps they are coming of the night shift?

I had to pass the enclosure as I entered the building. The three people were in there laughing and having a grand ole time. Then I realized how these people were all like the other... they were all smoking!

Bravo to the WDD for providing a warm, comfortable place outside of the building proper wherein their smoking employees have the right to get their needs met. Perhaps other corporations around the nation should follow suit.

I wonder if someone has built a sex room somewhere for their employees?

Oh. Wait. That would be Las Vegas. Yes?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Indisposition

...or in other words... sickness.

I read this morning in the blog of one of my mentors, Megan Sillito, the following statement: Take a moment to notice how the universe is giving you exactly what you said you wanted even if it isn't taking the form you thought it should.

In the moment I read that, I felt a myriad of emotions colliding in me all at once. Anger. Sadness. Frustration. Anger. Anger. Anger.

Yeah. There is anger again. Sheesh. Can't seem to get away from her, can I? Even as much as I want to and even as much as I have spent my life being successful (?) at escaping anger, I cannot do it any more.

(I am continually surprised how my blog posts tend to take on their own legs and take me in directions that I had no idea I would be traveling at the moment I began writing. Perhaps that is why I use this to process myself.)

Honestly, I feel angry that I am sick again. And I feel angry when I think that this could be the Universe showing me what I am missing...

As I have written before, I made no resolutions this year. Instead, I have three things that I am going forward with into 2008. One Question. One Statement. One Reminder.

Question: Self, what is my divine purpose or my design today?

Statement: I live my life fully and experience all aspects of my Self, taking one hundred percent responsibility for who I am, what I do and how I communicate.

Reminder: Life becomes lively when I participate instead of watch.

With that being said (again), I am stumped as to how this being sick is working for me in support of any of that. I don't see how it is part of my purpose. I don't see how it is helping me participate in life. I can see how it may be an example of being not responsible. Perhaps I am slacking in that area.

I just. don't. know.

I feel angry.

And, really, come on, Angie! Who wants to read this drivel? This is so not the direction I thought I was heading.

Yep. I feel angry.


... and then... a miracle happens...

Just as I am getting ready to post, this song comes on...



Okay. I get it now.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Immunization Info

The Gullible Jennifer Garner Flu Shot Campaign
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Byron Richards, CCN

Flu shots remain a subject of intense controversy. Vaccinations of all types remain the centerpiece of the public health herd-mentality paradigm. Just wait until the Avian flu comes, then you will see public health at its finest. Yes, there will be police-state forced vaccinations with experimental vaccines and no right of recourse if you are injured. Thanks to our generally brain-dead Congress the laws are already on the books.

Keep in mind that public health is not in the best interests of any one person. It is a lazy system of big profits, WHICH EXPECTS A CERTAIN NUMBER OF PEOPLE TO BE INJURED OR KILLED IN THE NAME OF THE "GREATER GOOD." If this were not the case then babies would all be tested for a lack sIGA before being immunized to determine whose immune system is lacking. Doing so would undoubtedly lower the cases of immunization-induced Autism and its spectrum of disorders, an epidemic that parallels the year-to-year increase in vaccine use (1 in 150 children now have Autism). The public health system would rather have the epidemic of Autism, which creates lots of customers for the health care system (sickness industry), costing parents an extra million dollars per child.

Fear of disease is the driving force behind all public health campaigns. Fear is the great motivator of blind compliance. Jennifer Garner, celebrity and young mother, is now on a soapbox encouraging mothers across the country to have their children immunized with the flu vaccine. Earth to Jennifer Garner: How many infants will your misguided propaganda injure?

Vaccines have a long and tarnished history, along with an element of workability - which is why there is a controversy. Louis Pasteur is the grandfather of the vaccine-for-profit industry, the creator of the first vaccines (rabies, anthrax, and smallpox) with the financial backing of industry. He had his research records sealed for 50 years after his death, and when they were finally reviewed he was found to be a liar and dishonest scientist. He routinely discarded experiments that didn't prove his vaccine theory and even lied about the kind of vaccines he was using because the technical merit of his work was flawed.

Another great promoter of vaccines was Jonas Salk, who invented the polio vaccine. As a big believer he injected himself with more of this vaccine than anyone else. Apparently, the polio virus in his vaccines lodged in his spine and came back to kill him in later life.

Smallpox was a devastating illness, and its vaccine marked the blending of the sickness industry and the military. During WWII weaponized smallpox was developed by the US and UK. It is also known that the first versions of the smallpox vaccine were virally contaminated and given to millions of Americans. Confidential sources have told me that the military is still tracking the health of these Americans (baby boomers) who received these virally contaminated smallpox vaccines.

The relationship of the military to the vaccine industry and Big Pharma is undeniable. Controversy surrounds numerous viral diseases, including AIDS, SARS, H5N1, and others. Are some of these viruses genetically engineered by man or the military? What viral concoctions does the military have on hand? The American public only has a glimpse at the tip of this iceberg; most information is kept secret under the guise of national security. However, nobody should be too naïve, germ-related warfare is at the top of the military's priority list. You have to feel sorry for the many soldiers defending America that have been subjected to who knows what experimental vaccine.

This gets us to a discussion of the flu vaccine. In a perfect world the vaccine gives a "heads up" to the immune system, priming it to go into action should it see the real thing. It is most likely to work well in young adults who are perfectly healthy, the type of person who is not likely to get sick. The target audience for vaccinations is immune compromised individuals, the elderly, infants, children, and pregnant women. It is true that all of these individuals are more at risk for the flu; they are also more at risk for adversely reacting to a flu vaccine. I've been in the health field over 20 years and I can tell you that getting the flu from the flu shot is a common happening.

Infants are trying to develop an immune system, like going to school. They are also trying to develop a digestive system. The links between digestive health and immune health are significant. If a child has digestive disturbances then that child is likely to have difficulty with a proper immune response to a vaccine, independent of blatant deficiency of sIGA. This is because the digestive system is lined with foreign bacteria and yeast. If that relationship is imbalanced it means that the immune system (half of which resides around the intestinal tract) is struggling to learn its ABCs.

In fact, the epidemic of asthma in this country is directly related to doctor-prescribed excess antibiotic use resulting in an overgrowth of Candida albicans. The excess Candida produces highly inflammatory oxylipins that directly communicate to the human immune system and confuse it, priming it for hyperactivity and inability to see infection. When such children and infants are given vaccines they are often inoculated with the weakened virus, have an exaggerated neurological response, and do not mount a proper immune defense. Millions of children have been given antibiotics and have developed such digestive problems. Any vaccine is problematic in this situation. In fact, all flu must begin by replicating in the digestive tract before it moves to the lungs or other areas of the body. A healthy digestive system is the number one most important factor for immune defense against the flu - for any person of any age. This obviously means little or no sugar intake, especially if a person is fighting a bug.

The flu vaccine is grown in chicken eggs and thus has the genetic material of the nervous system of chickens as an antigen in the vaccine, which is attracted into the human nervous system and capable of producing an undesirable inflammatory immune response. Additionally, adjuvants are included in the vaccine to help boost the immune response to the weakened virus. Such adjuvants are known to prime brain cells into a hyper-irritated condition. This is a very undesirable side effect, putting the brain's glial cells into a state of inflammatory arousal. Thus, immunizations of any type set the stage for excitotoxic brain damage and brain injury from the vaccine. Those children lacking antioxidant defense in their brains are the one's that will be injured. Babies born prematurely or whose mothers were overweight going into pregnancy, had gestational diabetes, or toxemia, are at particularly high risk for inflammatory nerve problems from vaccinations (due to poor leptin wiring of the infant's brain during pregnancy). Leptin is the brain's primary antioxidant that protects against excitotoxic nerve damage.

On top of that, the flu vaccine contains mercury as a preservative (Thimerosal). Mercury is a potent nerve toxin. It has been shown that the more flu vaccines an elderly person has the greater the onset of age-related mental decline and Alzheimer's disease. I wonder what it is doing to the brain of an infant?

Thus, flu vaccines are a perfect storm of neurological stress (mercury, myelin chicken antigen, adjuvants, and attenuated virus - not to mention potential contamination). The risk of problems is magnified in individuals with immunologic and/or digestive problems, which is the target audience. How many infants and children must suffer brain damage before public health goons wake up?

Maybe mothers should care for their infants and small children at home during the flu season. Adults and other children should always wash their hands before holding an infant, as they can readily pass germs to the infant which they are not susceptible to (they don't feel sick so they don't think they are passing anything on). Obviously, an infant should be kept away from people who are sick with the flu or public areas where the flu virus will invariably be encountered.

There are many natural compounds that can help correct digestive problems and support healthy immunity, even for infants. The absolutely destructive over-prescription of antacid medication to infants (confirmed now at 80% overuse) is highly damaging to the immune system as it knocks out the first line of defense against any viral infection that is swallowed (its in the air, you breathe it in, you swallow, its now in the stomach). Thus, doctors are fueling the risk factor for infants getting the flu. It is now documented that adults on antacid medication double their risk for the flu.

Then there is the issue of whether or not flu vaccines even work. Seldom is a flu vaccine a perfect match for the flu strain that is coming around. It may give a partial boost, which in my opinion pales in comparison to a robust and healthy natural immune response. The flu can rapidly mutate within 24 hours to escape any given vaccine. The only real chance you actually have is the health of your own immune system.

You would think that with all the billions of dollars involved there would be hard core proof that flu vaccines provide a benefit. Each year public health officials try to promote some study that is typically flawed. In general, the only proven benefit is for individuals stuck in a nursing home (living in a Petri dish with no way out). For the general ambulatory population, proof of any benefit is woefully lacking. There is proof that the more immunizations a person has the worse their immune system works as they get older. All the false alarms create too many T-memory cells that don't want to do anything. It's like having a bunch of old generals sitting around the table telling war stories, and nobody wanting to go into action.

I've never had a flu shot, nor has my wife. Our four grown children have never had a flu shot. In fact, they were raised in way that they never needed an antibiotic to combat illness as they grew up. Certainly, antibiotics should be used appropriately when needed. However, the apparent need for them is due in no small part to the poor diet, lack of nutrients, exposing children to too many germs too fast (daycare), and high stress within families. If you would like to see an infant get sick, simply have an argument in front of them.

No doubt, the public health propaganda for flu shots will be in full swing this year. Fear is the mantra. The fear is misplaced; it should be of the flu shot itself. Remember, public health is never in the best interest of any one person. If public health officials convince enough gullible people to take a flu shot then why do you or your children "need" one? The focus should be on strengthening your own immune system and helping your children to do the same. There are no short cuts to a healthy immune system.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Feet up

Today is a day where I would like to lean back, kick up my feet, eat chocolates and, perhaps, watch a marathon of weepy-girl movies or feel-good Christmas flicks. Today is a day where I could be doing that because there is nothing to do here at work, yet I am here... making a show of it and watching the fog roll by my window.

Today is a day where I am thinking about all I am blessed with...

I am blessed with a job that allows me to sit here and watch the fog roll by, although I would rather be cuddled under a blanket at home with some hot chocolate and a DVD.

I am blessed with a beautiful daughter who grows more beautiful every day from the inside out, who is healthy and witty and a bright light in each person's path she crosses.

I am blessed with a close immediate family that is healthy and generally happy and with whom I love spending time.

I am blessed with improving health and a body that keeps on ticking no matter how I abuse or neglect it.

I am blessed with a safe, sheltered place to lay my head, food to eat and clothing to keep me warm.

I am blessed with a few good friends - some of which have been with me for decades, some of which are brand new additions to my life.

I am blessed with the ability to heal myself and others, to see through the eyes of God and to find the divine within us all.

I am blessed with the Gift of Words...

Which reminds me... several times within the last two weeks I have come across written feedback from others - some even strangers - as well as receiving the feedback live and in person. All of the feedback says... when will you be published?!!! You need to be out there! NOW!

I am so blessed. So very, very blessed.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Tremors

One of the effects I experienced with West Nile is that I totally lost my cool when it came to driving in inclement weather. As I live in Utah, where the weather changes on a dime, being unnerved by Mother Nature's tempestuous displays of power is debilitating.

I first made this discovery back in October, while I was still in the attractive throes of the illness. Going stir-crazy from being in the house too long, I had decided to invite my mother for a ride up the mountains. The drive up was relaxing and rejuvenating. I almost felt like a human being again.

The ride down, however, was an altogether different scene entirely. The weather changed while we were driving around the upper-class neighborhood of Promontory Point, jaws agape and gasping in wonder at the multi-million dollar mansions owned by celebrities such as Sylvester Stallone and the Hiltons. Everything was super until I hit the freeway to head out of Parley's Canyon. This canyon, even in good weather, is a tad terrifying and requires the utmost concentration as vehicles racing above the set speed limit of 65mph weave in and out of the lanes.

This day it was raining. I had no idea that I was going to freak out. Why would I? I had driven this road more times than I can remember and had never freaked out, even in the worst conditions. However, as soon as I got up to the required speed limit and then the clouds opened and the downpour began, I knew I was done for.

I started breathing shallowly, unable to get my lungs full as the panic set in. My hands clutched the steering wheel in a death grip, as if grasping it tightly was going to keep us on the road. I began to sweat from every pore. My heart was racing. My eyes bugged out of my head. Although I have never had one, I was able to recognize that I was in the middle of a full-on panic attack.

"Ummmm..." I said breathily, aware that my mother had been staring at me the whole time, watching my meltdown. "Ummmmmm.... yeah...... I am completely freaked out!"

I am happy to report that we made it down the mountain in one piece, although it was the longest drive of my life.

Now, it's winter here. It is snowing. There is about nine inches of snow outside right now and I have to drive across town to a family Christmas party. There have been a couple other snow storms this season, but I have been blessed to only be out in the beginning of the flurries. Today I will be in the thick of it.

I can already feel the tremors beginning...

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Smeller

I am grateful to say that my smeller is back online. It seems like forever since I was able to take a huge inhalation through my nose and actually catch any scents. I am happy to report that a man walked passed me at lunch today looking all crisp and clean, as though he had just left his shower, and smelling of high-end cologne. I love the smell of man. And... yay! I can actually smell it!!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Speechless


Yep. I'm speechless.

It's not because I am without words, however. It is because I have lost my voice. I don't know where it has gone. If I did, I would find it, so I could sing along with the Christmas carols and such. But, for now it is gone.

When I try to force it out, I sound all squonky, so not sexy. Sometimes, when I laugh, I get a deep-throated gargling sound. And, every so often - and it cannot be predicted - I get to sound like Demi Moore when I talk. I like it when that happens. However, that is very rare.

*sigh*

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Time

A wisened friend whispered to me the other day a fact that I had forgotten...

Now is now.

Now is not yesterday. It is not a moment ago, nor tomorrow.

It is now.

More importantly, it only lasts for now.

And my present state of being... which looks like illness... is only for now. It won't last forever. And soon I will be able to look back on this moment and it will be the past and I will be well.

I need to remember that.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Fear and Loathing in SLC

I have a fear...

Yes. Only one fear.

Riiiiiiight.

If life were only that simple. It's not. But this one fear is really eating at me. And I know that fearing/worrying is planning so I am sitting here recognizing this fear in hopes that the recognition is going to kick this fear's ass out the door...

My fear? I may never be healthy again. And I loathe that thought.

Since my seven-week journey through the West Nile, I have not yet got to be my own, whole self. I have not felt the pep that I had on September 3, 2007, the day before I began the trek into the Nile. And, while I struggled and lumbered through the mire of that illness, I continually sought refuge through remembering how I once was. And the thought of perhaps I will never be that person again plagued me every step of the way.

Turns out, I am not that person anymore. That Angie died in the feverish depths of the Nile. The me that I once was is now gone. And it has been like mourning the death of a loved one. At times, I have felt as though I am a stranger in my own body. I look at myself in the mirror and do not recognize the features. And, apparently, the change is obvious to those around me. Many people who know me actually stare at me for some time before saying, "Something's different about you."

Yes. I know it is. And I am scared about that. At 39 years old, I am brand new. How do I do this?

My immune system is fragile and weak from traveling through the Nile. Thus, I catch every damn illness that skips past me. Today, I am experiencing a sinus infection that has my head feeling like it is stuck in a vice grip and stuffed with saturated, bloated sponges.

I feel angry that I am experiencing sickness. I feel angry that my life mantra seems to be "Ick. I am feeling icky right now." I feel angry that, just as I started to have a glimpse of a full life, I am knocked flat on my ass again. I feel angry that I am writing, yet again, about being sick because sickness is what is in my life at this moment. I am angry that I am starting to sound like my progenitors who diagnose themselves with every popular illness one could catch. I am angry that I am sick.

I want to be well. I want to be strong. I want to accomplish all that I am meant to accomplish.

No amount of positive mental attitude-ing this or holding space for health or playing with this or loving myself for creating it... none of that New Age bullshit is helping me. No amount of knowing that I am whole and well and perfect in this moment is helping me. No amount of rest and natural remedies are helping me. No amount of medicine is turning me back to life.

I fear this is what I have in store for the rest of my life. And I loathe that thought...

Genius Community Nest