This morning I was up long before the sun, when the sky and the mountains merged as one into the grey liquid dawn. My daughter’s light was on so I ventured across the living room to peek in on her. She was snuggled down beneath her electric blanket with all the covers pulled up around her ears. She was breathing that deep, relaxed rhythm of sleep. She knew I was there, though.
Her lashes lazily fluttered open and her blue eyes sparkled freshly as she smiled at me.
“Come cuddle with me, Momma.” The request came to me across time and space in the voice of my once-tiny girl now grown.
I hesitated for but a moment. I am always panicked in the morning, although I do not know why. I don’t punch a time clock and her school doesn’t officially start until nine. She stared at me, her words plainly visible in her eyes.
How could I deny this? Why would I want to?
No more thinking about this. She wanted me to cuddle. How many more times will I be asked this before she has grown out of the request?
I snuggled beside her, lying atop her blankets and holding her close. Her cheeks were warm with sleep. She smiled softly and her lashes closed slowly as she whispered, “Mmmm… Momma, I love you more and more and more…”
Yes, the tears filled my eyes. Tears of joy and gratitude in that moment as I held her sleeping form in one of the few precious moments that she is quickly growing too old for. She nuzzled her head beneath my chin and I blinked rapidly before the tears escaped onto her pillow. She smelled of lilacs and sunshine and childhood playfulness.
She was so innocent in that moment – is still innocent, even with all that life has brought our way – and I am so grateful for that. In that moment, I knew that she felt safe, protected, at peace. Her gentleness and trust overwhelmed me and my body filled with an almost painful rush of MommaLove and a fierce need to guard her. Forever.
I am blessed to be a mother. I have been blessed to have her with me for just over nine years now and, for the most part, I have been alone. I am a single mother in a world that is not always kind to Single Mothers or their children, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And, even still, when I watch her sleep, I fear she will be gone from me too soon, before I am ready.
This world is a beautiful place when there is Love. There are those that live without it and my heart goes out to them – my way of sending the energy of Love to them. Each of us are blessed to be alive, to be here and to be loved. You may not be a parent, a child, a lover or a spouse, but there is someone who loves you. And there is someone you love.
Have you told them lately?
©Angie K. Millgate 1/30/07
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