Monday, May 18, 2009

To Remember

Things I want to remember...

Yesterday at Danny's gravesite, I felt happy and content. I laid upon the grass in the shade near his site, with my toes ruffling the grass along the edge of his site. I was quiet and thinking about him, smiling and feeling love. Gently a song entered my mind and I focused on it. The little girl in the yard across the street was sitting in her treehouse singing to her sing-along toy, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." My smile broadened as I remembered sitting at a professional ballgame while on a date with Danny so, so many years ago. We were with a group of friends, sitting on the northern end of the arena for all nine very long innings. I remember laughing with him, eating hot dogs and laughing some more. It was my first ever attendance at an actual game and I had no idea that they were so long. The others who had been there before, said that they didn't realize the games were that long either! The bleachers were uncomfortable, with nothing to lean against but I remember Danny sitting behind me, opening his legs and offering his chest as comfort. I was at home within his embrace.

Later on yesterday, Mom and I visited Grandma Faye's gravesite. The cemetary in which her body was laid to rest is an old property, many of the sites looking unkempt because the descendents of the deceased have also died and there is no one left to care for them. The grass was tired and dried out. But the birds were alive and plentiful. I laid down in the shade near Grandma's grave and stared up at the blue, blue sky thinking of her. Suddenly, a brilliant yellow bird flew across my line of vision and sat upon a branch just above me, chattering away and singing happily.

In ALC on Saturday, we did an exercise where we each removed all the old memories and stuffed emotions from within our cells and turned them into imaginary clay. From that clay we sculpted a piece of art. I was clear that I needed a foundation of four similarly sized balls of clay. From that I created squawty columns of strength, which turned into a pyramind and then grew into a giant volcano, which evolved into a tree of such magnificent glory that tears flowed as I created her.

Out of that project, I have a new commitment: I commit to feeling my feelings in the moment and easefully expressing them in the moment.

Last night I dreamt of jack-o-lanterns. Hundreds of interestingly carved pumpkins, many designs of which caught my eyes because I couldn't fathom how they had been created. Then I found myself inside a jack-o-lantern that was brilliantly lit from within. I was the light. I peered out through the carving to see the entire world a-blaze with white hot fire. The window through which I peered was shaped like a crooked witch with her broom and cat. Hmmmm...

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