Within the Silence

What I’ve learned in my silence...

I am powerful. There is no one better than me on this earth to issue out my “punishment” for something I’ve done “wrong.” No amount of disapproval or judgment or shunning from anyone can match up to the level that I give it to myself. I’d like to see me now using this power to uplift myself and I’m curious about how I can switch that pattern easefully.

I AM able to go into the darkness and return anew. There are some aspects of myself that I don’t understand and, yet, these aspects are part of who I am. In those dark spaces, I find the aspects that I’ve cast aside because I didn’t understand them, I bring them in and I move toward wholeness. I love myself for this.

“In my own time” is important. When I try to do anything on someone else’s terms and/or to please anyone else I self-destruct. I commit to becoming conscious of my own, individual timing.

I really CAN do magic! WOW! During this silent time, I have found within me the power to CREATE. I have manifested money from unforeseen sources, miracles on a daily basis and enough funds to pay off the bulk of my debt and be able to get into my own place by the first of August. I am loving learning this about me!

“Being comfortable” is not a term with which I’m familiar. I’ve discovered that I’ve spent so much of my life outside of myself and miserable that my “comfort zone” is anything but comfortable. My “comfort zone” looks more like sitting still, going numb and stopping all together. In that “comfort zone,” I feel miserable, create sickness and death vs life situations, violence and grief. It is in this same “comfort zone” that I become hyper-aware of other’s lives, hyper-critical of their behaviors, hyper-sensitive to feedback and on hyper-alert for “danger.” The longer I stay there, the bigger it gets. For now, I’m interested in closing the gap on arriving at my “comfort zone” and the realization that I’m there so that I can channel the energy I use to survive there into moving out of there and into a space where I thrive. Eventually, I would love the awareness to be present prior to moving through the door into the “comfort zone.” I commit to being present with myself.

I am willing to do whatever it takes. The awareness of where I am holding back came to me this morning in my own words, “That?! You’re asking me to do that?! UGH! I won’t do THAT.” Ye-eah. I commit to THAT. I commit to moving.

I am quite tricky. I’ve been able to use all my skills as weapons on myself in such a sneaky way that no one knew I was up to that. Not even me. Hmmmm... genius quality there? How can I use that to BENEFIT me?

I like to be liked. I like it when people like me. I like it when they’re happy to be around me. I like it when they want to be around me. I realize, in my head, that I have no control over any of this. I’m curious about the disconnect between knowing it in my head and feeling it in my heart. I’m curious how to release myself from needing that.

I’m messy. I’m really, really messy. I hear all my instructions and skills and tools then I take it all in and then I get really messy. I get messy AND I care about what others think about me getting messy or me being not-messy. I’m ready to love myself for being messy AND allow you to be where you are with that. I commit to loving myself.

I have spent most of my life concerned more about what is going on outside of me, what is coming at me and what I can do to make everyone else around me like me. Interestingly enough, I’ve also figured out how to “numb out” around feedback, making it so I took in very little of anything – until it gets really, really ugly, then I wake up!!! At that point, I’m so thick in the mess of drama, and I KNOW that I am, but I spin and spin and can’t get out of it. In my session today with Megan, I remember feeling so scared as we talked about feedback/accountability. I stared at her and said, “I get in my head that everything is feedback. That sounds logical. AND I don’t get that in my body.” She lovingly pointed out that our entire conversation was feedback and that I chose to be open and curious and childlike and playful. She pointed out that I could have chosen to be closed and stubborn instead. Either way, I was receiving feedback. Okay. DUH! Sounds so simple, I know! Buuuuut... I got it today. I got it. I got it at the top of the Drama vs. Dream slide. I GOT IT! YAY ME!

I’m loving myself for staying with this. I’m loving myself for being so fucking scared and staying with this. I’m loving myself for being willing to go back to the very basics... in this moment, I am brushing my teeth. In this moment, I am taking a shower. In this moment, I’m getting in the car... because that is what it took to keep me alive. I’m loving myself for saying out loud, “There is nothing new here. I already know this!” And then, remembering that my commitment this year is to know the unknown so I kept looking. I’m loving myself for taking my time and being patient with myself. I’m loving myself for choosing, once again, back into life.

I recommit to easeful learnings.