Drama

I am surprised to discover that, even in my space of peacefulness, I am able to create lots of drama in my head and find myself unwittingly embroiled in the drama outside of myself quickly. Suddenly, I will find myself wondering why I feel like I am walking sideways on a slippery slope with one foot continually sliding out from under me and having to struggle to find balance. I will check in and... what's this?!!! TA-DA! Drama!

Sheesh!

I have had an awareness, though, while in a current drama with someone I had thought was my friend. This person has been lying to me for a very long time. From the very moment when I stood before them and asked, "I feel like it was me you were talking about in that story. Was it?" That person chose, in that moment, to deny the truth and I willingly bought into the new story that replaced the truth that I had already intuitively felt and knew. I denied my truth in that moment and betrayed myself. I feel so angry about that!

As I wrote out my feelings about this situation, I began to understand what is going on for me:

I have listened to others before myself for far too long. I have trusted others too easily and for longer than I should have in many cases. Ten years ago I made a commitment to stop those patterns. Since then, I have violated myself more times than I care to admit. This year, when I took on the ALC commitment, I did it whole-heartedly and with full intent. I chose in fully, which left me no opening to back out on myself. I made a commitment to always listen to myself first and follow my intuition. I made a commitment to source my own safety. I made a commitment to learn easefully and with laughter. I made a commitment to drop the stories, drop the patterns and MOVE FORWARD in healthy ways. I made a commitment to recognize where I am violating myself and put an immediate stop to it.

With my patterns of the past juxtaposed with my commitments this year, I’m aware that my pendulum has swung very far to the other side and I have become slow to trust and quick to back away when I feel violated. I have also become unforgiving at the first sign of someone violating me or betraying my trust.

I broke that agreement when I sold myself out and bought into you. I feel so angry about that and how you have dishonored me since then. Your actions have brought you to the center of my crossfire as I find balance between who I was and who I am. I am certain the pendulum will swing to center when I am ready and I will find the place I need to be in to trust AND forgive at the same time. Until that time, it is no longer okay for others to violate me, batter me or betray me. I am providing no leniency in this matter. And no second chances. Yes, it sounds harsh. That is where I am.

And that, my friends, is truly where I am.