Hippity-Hip

Sooo... It's Easter. Apparently I should be posting some sort of ode to Peeps or hollow chocolate bunnies. However, I am feeling decidedly UN-Easterish. I am sitting here in my room, hibernating until the very last moment. Not really wanting to emerge from the cool darkness here. I wonder if Jesus felt like that? Do you think He wanted to stay in that tomb? Or do you think He was excited to come out of the dampness into the sunlight to be greeted by, none other than, Mary Magdalene? (Not that I am equating the petite guest room to the tomb, nor myself to Jesus.)

Hmmmmm... I am feeling angry right now. Shit. (Sometimes I wish I could back to the days when my anger was non-existant and my life seemed more pretty.) I know from whence the anger stems. I did another faux pas with my Meditations. Dammit if I cannot get this lesson down!

I am part of a yahoo group of people who graduated from my massage school. (or I was a part of this group. I have now been removed by the moderator who is an "old" friend that I have usually butted heads with because he is set in his way and plays it so by the book, refusing to look outside the box which is his little world... okay, that was rude. I'm leaving it though because I feel petty. Petty... so not attractive) People have recently been posting lots of stuff about seminars/classes/workshops that they are hosting. Silly me. I thought that what *I* do would be interesting for people too.

So, I checked in, dropped a quick note - which I haven't done for about two years - and shared this:

Hi, Friends!

I am amongst the charter members of this here MCU Friends yahoo group. (Hi, JIM! And thanks for setting this up and continuing to monitor it!!! Love ya!)

I am an amazing facilitator of healing through the written word and intuitive, interactive hands-on healing sessions. These are my passions and my divine purpose. I felt inspired, today, to share one of my gifts with you, my Meditation of the Week. I design these unique emails every week, write the articles and include artwork - of which, sometimes, it is even my own artwork. I feel happy when I create these beautiful Meditations and want to share them with the world. I will start with you. :)

I invite you to spend a moment with me and nurture yourself. If you find yourself moved and would like to be a part of my adventure, you can go to the sample on my website www.momentsofawakening.com. At the bottom of that page, there is a sign up box.

With love,
Angie


Then I attached a copy of my latest Meditation.

Okay soooo... ugh... this was followed by a very public and humiliating (for me) reprimand:

Hi Angie,
Although we love ya to bits, this is not a personal blog space and posting this lengthy blog to over 100 people, most of whom don't yet know you and did not request this, was not appropriate, particularly without asking first.
Please don't do that again.
Now they have your link to your website so those who wish can go there and enjoy your postings.
Those who have other interests in being members of this list won't have their email spammed again by this.

If anyone else has blog space, My Space, etc. things to share with the list, it's ok to make a brief mention and include a link inviting us to go there if interested, but please don't post a full-out blog here. A paragraph that you think the group will have interest in, certainly, but a full out blog, nope.

Thanks.
James
(list owner/moderator)


Following this public discipline session, he and I had a private interchange. He was "kind" enough to send me a formal definition of SPAM, implying that my post fit within all aspects of his definition. And eventually our posts disintegrated to the result of him kicking my ass out of the group because he doesn't "need the extra drama in my life."

Whatever.

So, this is going to sound totally unenlightened AND I am going to say it anyway cuz it's what is rattling around in my head. Apparently, *I*AM SPAM!!! I feel so sad right now. I only wanted to share what I love. I want to SHARE and, yet, I end up feeling wounded, injured, rejected. This is more than just with my Mediations. It is a common theme. I am wondering how I can more easefully and more quickly spread my Meditations (how can I share ME) AND keep my sensitive heart whole and happy?

James mentioned in his last post to me: "This really isn't about you as a person, Angie, though I sense it does seem that way to you." This is common feedback for me as of late. "This isn't personal. It's business." I have never understood that statement, especially when *I* AM the business. I just heard this very same thing from my former husband/boss on the very same day, "Angie, you just take this all too personally."

I don't know how to respond to this. I am an emotional being. I am sensitive. I think from my heart because, when I think from my head I get all fucked up. My head is unclear. My heart is always pure. And so, I am emotional. I don't know how to do "not personal."

And, apparently, the universal message is that I have got to learn how to do that. Somehow, I have to develop a thicker skin. I have a story that that means changing my core self. I am uncomfortable with that.

James also wrote: "I think you're a little unable to sense other people, but that's just my opinion and I could be wrong." I wanted to fly off the handle on that one. I am unable to sense people?! WTF!

Then I hear the advice from ALC yesterday... It is quite possible that all I think I know is absolutely fucking wrong.

Okay. I will hold space for that. And I will hold the universe in solution for this question... "I wonder how I can move through business effortlessly AND with ease AND joy?"

From Peeps, to Jesus, to SPAM... what a trip!