I have mentioned before that my journey for the last 3 1/2 months has really been about staying in the moment. I have noticed that any time I begin to wonder how I am going to pay the next outstanding bill, I go into huge fear. Each time that has happened, one of my friends has shown up and has said something along the lines of, "Are you okay right now?" There is a lot to be said for the policy of staying in the here and now.
However...
The truth of the matter is, I have been giving it a go at being self-employed for almost four months now and, during that time, the money has generally not flowed inward. I was able to float for the first two months because I had two full paychecks when I left and talked with all of my creditors about deferring payments. They all gave me a 60-day grace period so it turned out beautifully. And then I did the whole fiasco of working with a client without a contract, put in all that time and didn't end up getting paid one dime. Ugh... that one still hurts.
I recently asked one of my friends, "Is it truly possible to live in my genius and get paid for doing so? Because, so far, I'm only seeing that I finagled my way through the first two months and nothing different has shown up since then."
I feel scared about that. I have moments when I have felt really magical and money has shown up in those moments. But the moments are brief and far between. I have moments when I look at my checking account and feel grateful that not even once have I gone into overdraft. Then there are days (like today) when I look at my checking account feel stark terror because the next bill that is coming out (tomorrow) far exceeds the amount in the account and, as far as I know right now, there is no money coming in.
I really wanted this to work out for me. I held space for the magic to happen and I stayed in the moment. I recognized my fears. I gave them expression. And... well... damn. I can't pay my bills now. It just seems... wrong.
*sigh*
(See! Told you the perennial peppiness would soon die off! Ugh!)
4 comments:
I don't have anything encouraging to say. I'm not one to espouse the 'faith will get you what you need' and I don't buy into the 'we all have trials' bullshit either. I think, frankly, it is what it is, and reality sucks. I don't think you have to give up your dream, necessarily, just change your requirements for life a bit.
I hope this quote doesn't depress you, but it's what I believe:
“A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.” Friedrich Nietzsche
*sigh*
Well! Ain't that just the shitty truth!!! LOL
Dear Angie,
I'm sorry that Life's beating you down! There is a cognitive/behavioral tool that I came across that may fit here (and please forgive me if it doesn't feel soothing!): It is said that the most *effective* life is lived by the motto: "Adapt & Adjust, Adapt & Adjust, and on and on." I took that motto as saying that Life keeps rolling us in the challenges, and so we are always having to use our full-living agility to stay alive. Good luck ... and remember your goal of being creative for creativity sake (if not the circumstance, it will surely help your mood). . . .
((((((Angie))))))
With Care,
Kristen
Thank you, again, Kristen. Especially for your constant presence. Be well, my friend.
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