Thursday, December 10, 2009

Seeing Through the Eyes of the Recently Dead

I died in October. I literally walked myself through the process of dying while being guided by my mentor to do so. We focused on death that weekend. And, I died.

Since then, the fog has lifted from my eyes. I'm beginning to see so clearly now and... WOW! I had no idea what I had been refusing to see before. No. Idea.

I'm just... wow... ye-eah... I'm blown away. My vision is painful and heartbreaking.

Let me be really clear here… I commit to being fully alive, to living in my love and to doing whatever it takes to accomplish that.

AND… what I’m discovering is…

For far too long, I've tricked myself into believing that others knew more or better than me.
I'm seeing that I've given away my power in such subtle ways that I had no idea I had done it.
I'm seeing that when I feel something and someone says it’s the opposite, I believe them instead of myself.
I'm seeing that I really DO know when something is off, but I've surrounded myself with people whom I thought I could trust so they are able to convince me otherwise and consistently prove to me that I don't know what I know or sense or feel.
I'm seeing that I'm far too willing to believe that "that feeling I feel” is just me “being silly” and that I can’t possibly be right because, of course, past proof shows that I’m wrong so just knock it off.


“That feeling I feel” is always right, no matter what anyone says.

I'm really angry at myself for selling myself out, far too often.
I’m really angry that I’ve given away my power.
I’m really angry I’ve loved and trusted people with the core of who I am, only to have the fog lift and realize that most of my doubt, confusion and “clipping of my wings” was coming from these very people.
I’m really angry that I’ve trusted, been vulnerable and have fully showed up and now I’m seeing the destruction that was visiting me while in that space.
I feel abused.
I feel angry!

I’m seeing that I’m the creator of my life.
I’m seeing this as an opportunity to get REALLY, REALLY clear about what is acceptable in my space and what is fucking not.
I’m seeing that I am brilliant and wise and I DO KNOW WHAT I KNOW.
I’m seeing that I’m not EVER going to allow another human being talk me into being less than who I am.

I made the commitment in 1998 that I would never deny my gifts and intuition again. I feel angry that I have subtly slid back into that pattern all in the guise of trusting those who I am discovering did not deserve it.

I’m appreciating that I’m getting the lesson this time.
I’m appreciating that my wings are spreading and there ain’t gonna be anything or anyone to fucking hold me down. EVER. AGAIN.

Yeah. I can see now. I can see really clearly. AND I’m grateful I can because I need to see to fly. Get out of my way.

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