Monday, August 03, 2009

Waking Love

On the edges of dawn, I dreamt of a man whom I've loved for a very long time. I don't remember the last time I walked with him in my dreams and felt stunned when I realized the call of the aching heart I was responding to belonged to him. The sadness in the call was so deep and dark and primal that it took my breath away and caused tears to escape from the corners of my eyes.

On angel's wings, I followed the call, the longing for peace, and found myself within the walls of a glorious, wooden mansion. Every inch of it gleamed with untouched newness and it seemed as though it could house five families comfortably. The expanse of the house was empty from wall to wall and from floor to sky. The hardwood floors shone with a newly waxed sheen, as did the walls, the banister and the ceiling. I knew immediately where I was and felt disoriented at the same time.

I soared around near the ceiling, circling and trying to find the source of the call. It ached inside me and I felt as though I couldn't fly because of its heaviness. Then I spotted the one furnished room. It held a large bed with elegant bedding that was flung haphazardly and hanging off one corner, a small desk and chair with a small brass lamp and a flat screen television mounted on the wall. He was there, pacing and distractedly running his fingers through his hair.

He reminded me of a caged golden panther... lean, chiseled and wound so tightly he could spring at any moment. His footsteps were heavy as he paced the floor, obvlious to his nakedness that was visible to anyone who cared to look through the wall of windows. I glanced outward and noticed the inky blackness of the meadow. There was no one near. The nearest indication of humanity were the twinkling lights in the distance.

He threw the phone across the room. The shattering sound reverberated in the silence when it hit the wall and fell to the ground in hundreds of pieces. He sat upon the bed, fingers laced in his hair and dark despair gurgling up from the depths of hell. I hovered near enough that I could feel its vibration and longed to sooth it. I want out! That thought was loud enough that it, too, filled the silence. With a growl that built to a scream, he suddenly sprung from his bed, charged to the edge of the room and leapt into air as though he were an Olympian diver, graceful and strong as I had seen him dive when we were younger.

My heart leapt to my throat as I rushed to the edge to witness him land easefully upon the hardened floor two stories down as though he had sliced into a pool. He curled into a ball, rolled and then sprawled on the gleaming floor. The stillness startled me and I rushed near his resting form. He laid on his side, the pent up emotions poured out through tears streaming down his face. I circled him intentionally, filling the ring with love, wishing I could touch him to let him know he was not alone.

As I circled, I flashed on his wife. She was writing him a note. All I could see was ...I'm taking the kids. You do what you want to do. I'm not interested in being your wi... I glanced around the house to find the note. It was on the floor by the fireplace downstairs. I blinked to the place where the paper lay impotently upon the ground. I touched the edge and it glowed. I could feel his recent touch on the paper. His heart was breaking and it was more than the impending divorce.

I returned to his side. He laid motionless on the floor, breathing slowly enough that it was barely perceptible. The tears had stopped. He still couldn't see me as I circled once more, casting another circle of love. When I stopped I could tell that he had sensed a change. I settled my feet upon the ground gently then slowly, ever so slowly, I laid down behind him without touching him, still in my angel form.

I felt him holding his breath as he slowly turned around to face the change he was sensing. His eyes were wide as he stared in my direction. I knew that he was seeing nothing but the room with his human eyes, but his soul recognized me. He startled me by reaching his hand toward where I lay, invisible in my angel's wings. I felt his hand enter my energy field and a startled, youthful grin crossed his face.

"Hello," he whispered.

His words shimmered me into the space in my human form and he lay still as he watched the metamorphosis. When I was fully present, we stood and faced one another. Somewhere during my appearance, he had acquired clothes and the house had acquired furniture. He reached out his hand to me and I reached to take it as the house began to fill with people ready to celebrate. What we were celebrating, I don't know, but he and I spent the rest of the night volleying between guests, ever watchful of the other.

Into the evening the party went until I was exhausted and retreated into a room where I could shut out the noise. Leaning against the door, I sighed and he walked into the room from a door on the right. He, too, had gone there for respite. We smiled one another, he walked toward me and as he took me in his arms, a guest came in from another room and slammed the door.

I was awake with tears running down my eyes into the pillow and missing him more than I've missed him in a very long time.

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