Phenomenon...

For most of my life, I wanted to be the person that everyone liked. I used to twist and turn myself to meet the needs of whomever was in front of me - whatever I judged them to need. This resulted in me not ever being whole. I used to feel frantic when it became apparent that someone did not like me. I would resort to all sorts of emotional and mental gymnastics to "get" that person to like me. Sometimes it would appear to be successful. Other times, not so successful. Either way, I would feel tortured if it was not an obvious success. I would lie awake, literally for hours, trying to figure out ways to "make" them like me. Junior High and High School were exhausting experiences for me.

As I grew, it became more readily evident that I had issues. *laughing* I still wanted people to like me. I wanted everyone to like me. While that is impossible - and I knew that it was - I still wanted everyone to like me. However, after a lifetime of back-bends, I was drained and weak. I still wanted you and you and you to like me, but I had no energy to "make" you do so anymore. It was a conundrum with, apparently, no solution. I have this lingering need to have everyone like me, but no more gumption to follow through with my old patterns.

I am aware, now, that I still feel a little niggle when someone displays evidence that they do not like me, or even care to get to know me. And, it seems, that the Universe is dropping all sorts of those people into my life over the last five years. The difference is, now I don't care. I have gotten to a point where I no longer care if you and you and you like me or even YOU! I know that I am a great person and figure that, if you don't think I am all that great and have no care to connect with me then why should I bother worrying about connecting with you. You are a waste of my Love.

It seems that I have a recurring phenomenon going on in my life that I have been a-wondering about as of late. There are a few people with whom I associate on a fairly regular basis. These particular people are... well... guarded, to say the very least. Being around them, for me, is an uncomfortable situation. They exhibit fairly visible evidence that they do not like me, nor do they care to. When I am in their presence, I witness things such as them physically turning away from me, rolling their eyes when I talk - even if I am not addressing them directly - and if I do get the balls up to talk to them, I get curt answers with exclamation points at the end that encourage no further conversation. Some of them have even verbalized directly to me that they have no interest in being friends with me. Harsh words to hear for someone who wants everyone to like them.

At any rate, the prickly situation with them sometimes eases up and it seems that we are making headway, that we are maybe able to actually be in the same room with one another without the oh so obvious "I really don't like you" energy zinging through the space. At that moment, I feel hopeful that the tension is going to ease and that maybe, just maybe, we are going to be able to live in peace.

It doesn't happen. When we go apart from one another after a step toward a space of truce wherein the feelings don't really change from "I don't like you" but become less caustic, it seems that when we come back that "I could give a fuck if you were alive" feeling has become bigger and stronger. This energy fills the space between us, slamming me in the chest and baffles me every time.

I have checked in with myself, knowing that I am responsible for my experience, for what I am creating. And I am realizing that they are responsible for their 100% too. I am wondering... what happens in the space between our meetings? What happens that turns us from a peaceful, non-caustic existence to obvious distaste? Why does it seem that they may be beginning to tolerate my existence and then they suddenly do not? What happens that the space of peace between us cannot sustain itself?

For me to continue doing what I want to do with my life, it will result in frequently being in the space of these people. And, while I have no desire to contort myself in a way that I am hoping will result in them liking me, I dislike the uncomfortableness in the on-going space of unease.

Any ideas?