"He's in jail," his wife told me. I wasn't sure how I wanted to respond. I felt anger, sadness and fear all at once.
My former husband was in jail this weekend. This time, my daughter and I were not involved with the domestic violence scene. This time the police got him. This time when he called me, asking me to be involved and arrange to bail him out, I said, "I can't." I turned off my phone for the rest of the weekend.
I feel sad and scared and angry.
I am appreciating myself for staying out of it this time, even though I am judging myself to have done it in a chicken-shit way. I am appreciating that I knew my limitations and that if I heard "the call" I would don that hero cape and swoop in. I am appreciating that I did something differently this time. I am appreciating my awareness that I want to focus on everyone else's stories and "problems" right now so I no longer hurt. I am aware that my feelings of alone-ness have heightened to painful levels. I am aware that I feel weak and wobbly and as though I cannot stand. I am aware that I want someone to hold me, comfort me, wipe away these tears and show me that there IS something different for me and... oh my god... there just isn't anyone there. I feel sad. Sad. Sad...
4 comments:
Abgue, good girl. You can't make him right, only he can do that...with a lot of therapy I'm thinking. I appreciate that you took the road of right despite it being a hard road to take. Be assured he will blame you for this, but you are right and I would hug you if I could. You did what so many would not, but should have done.
Thank you, C! I feel your hug from here. Thank you for the love.
Good for you, Abgue, for taking a very appropriate stand and setting boundaries. Keep standing strong and setting boundaries. It'll get easier and easier.
As for the loneliness and sadness, that too will diminish as you eliminate needy, life-sucking, bad people from your life and replace them with energizing, life-giving and life-affirming, good people.
Hugs!
Thanks Tewskey. I appreciate you being here, your kind words and your hug. I feel better knowing there are people out there who see me as I am and still keep coming back for more. :)
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