Thing is, during my sessions that morning, I hit up against my story that I am bad. I felt sad and angry about that. My RMT suggested that I write about my Bad vs. Good as part of the process of going from who I was to who I am. Here's what came out in the form of a letter to her...
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As I contemplated this exercise all weekend, I was consciously aware of how much I was fighting the labeling of who I am, what I do, how I think, what I say and how I feel as being either good or bad. I even devised ways to reword it so that I didn’t actually use those particular labels but, rather, something like “serves me” and “doesn’t serve me.” In the end, I decided to stick to the simple “bad vs. good” labels even with as sad and as scared as I felt while doing so.
For as long as I can remember, I have somehow “known” that I was a Bad Girl. I am fairly certain that this knowledge came into light the very moment I got caught in that cardboard clubhouse 35 years ago. As I worked through the exercise, I began to see more clearly that, deep inside, I believe my self to be innately good. The judgment of “you are bad” has come from outside of me. I have been viewed as and judged by others as being “bad” when I have just followed my own natural instincts and curiosity.
I compiled these lists in my mind over and over, hundreds of times over the weekend. I thought about it until I thought I would go mad with the repetition of it. Yet, if I kept it in my mind, then I wouldn’t have to look at it in stark black and white. I wouldn’t have to see the truth of what I had been living.
I realized that the lists I was compiling in my head were interchangeable. I saw items on the bad side that, to some people, would be viewed as being good and vice versa. I also discovered that some of these items are both bad and good, depending on how the line item is read. It also became crystalline clear that these “bad” and “good” traits of who I am, when labeled thusly, are simply that – labels. They are labels put on me by other people that I have chosen to accept as a reality for myself. When I mentally viewed these lists, I could see only a few, small items that I would consider, for myself, things that are truly handicapping me and need to be adjusted. I also noticed that the items under “good” were more of how I view myself and things I want to believe about myself. While the items under “bad” were more of what others have said about me and things I don't like about myself.
And, by the way, those two pieces of paper I mentioned that I needed to have for the process of qualifying for my house? Yeah, those showed up today in a manila folder which was laying atop a pile of other folders and papers, a pile which I had rifled through a hundred times last week during the mad search for the required documents. At the end of my day today, that file appeared out of the middle of nowhere, just innocently laying there as if it had always been there. The lost has been returned.
Thank you for the opportunity to delve into who I am, what I think, how I feel, what I say and what I do. I have compiled a pretty hefty list below of the bad and good of all that. And, while I can guess that I have left off a lot of items (probably items I don’t want to look at or am not ready to, yet) I feel confident that this is a really solid start.
With love,
Angie
BAD
Lying in situations where I am too embarrassed to tell the truth
Having sex with a married man
Swearing
Taking God’s name in vain
Leaving the Mormon religion
Having sex while being single after going through the Temple
Pornography
Erotica – writing and reading
Fat
Speaking out snidely when I am upset
Being “scary” when I am angry
Had sex before I was married
Curious about being with a woman as a lover
Endlessly loving a man who is not mine to love
Questioning and finding spirituality outside of religion
Easily give up
Pointing fingers at others when I am unwilling to own my wrongdoings
Judgmental of those whom I view as being judgmental
Critical instead of loving when I have been treated harshly
Quick to jump to a conclusion, usually on the negative side of things
Drinking alcohol occasionally
Witch
No risk taking
Insecure and unconfident
Sexual
Sees, hears, tastes, feels, smells things that aren’t readily observed by others
Lazy
Despises exercising
Overly critical of the Mormons
Tendency to not give some people a second chance after they have treated me poorly
Willing to hold on long after it is necessary or healthy
Closed and too private
Inaccessible
Incomplete; too many little Angies everywhere, each Angie being a concoction of my own doing based on what I perceive the person in front of me wants me to be
Working really hard, yet never allowing myself to land in completion
Procrastination
Settling for something because something is better than nothing
Viewing everything as criticism
“Not enough”
GOOD
Being open for other sides of the story
Accepting of many different lifestyles
Loving mother
Ability to laugh easily and often
Look for the lesson in situations
Creating a sacred space around me
Healing hands
Gifted writer
Dancing is a part of me
Endlessly loving a man who is not mine to love
Questioning and finding spirituality outside of religion
Continue to come back, time and again
Willing to look at myself, accept my responsibility
Curiosity
An immense love of learning
Vision through the eyes of God
Willing to stand up for who I am
Willing to tell my story
A leader who knows how to follow well
Free from all chemical substances
Never smoked anything
Developing psychic gifts and excited about that
A pure channel
A consummate teacher and student
Elaborate imagination
Smart, witty and charming
Sound body, mind and heart
I give my heart fully when I love
Trusting
Intuitive
Witch
Sexual being
Sees, hears, tastes, feels, smells things that aren’t readily observed by others
Continually forgiving of some people
Love of music
Willing to look you in the eye
Untapped sense of adventurousness
Warm
Nurturing
Love embracing
“Hands On” sort of person
Open in bed
Learning to gracefully receive feedback
Attractive
Gentle
Tender, kind heart
Belief that humans are all good at their core
Willing to honor you for your own beliefs
Curious about self and learning who I really am, or rather, who I really want to be
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