Weeping

Okay... so this is the day of many blogs (four thus far). "Enough, already!" You say? HA! I am just getting started!

Soooooooooooooooo... I started a blog a few days ago. A blog that stayed in draft for some reason, which I no longer recall. (Perhaps because the blog is now being taken out of draft and being placed in the trash.) What I had written looked something like this:

I am so excited!!! SO SO SO EXCITED!

I have been invited to join a group of women - called Master Minds - and create this marvelous manifesting energy. I think it is going to be the most beneficial thing I have done for myself yet. I attended for the first time today, not knowing what to expect, and totally got my mind blown. It was unlike anything I have ever experienced and although the entire thing was weird and wild and foreign, it was a perfect fit! I am so excited!!!

Ummmmm... yeah... so that is where I stopped. I got interrupted there and had planned on going back to tell more about my experience, about what I am playing with manifesting and how it felt.

Now, about this group... it is a closed group. In other words, people do not just come and go as they please. You are in and you are in for the long haul. There is a scheduled time, every two weeks and it is never missed. They start on time. They end on time. And that... is... that. These women have been meeting for years. One of them moved away and there is an open slot. I was so completely honored to be asked to fill it. I didn't even know this group existed. Yet, they asked me. And my dear friend who asked me said a few days before the first meeting when I was worrying about my different schedule (all of them have huge flexibility because none of them work for anyone else), "Don't worry about the scheduling. Amazing things happen with this group. If you are meant to be there, it will happen." Well, it happened the first week. Something came up and the meeting had to be miraculously moved from Tuesday (their standard day) to Friday. So I got to go.

I work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday full time. My boss has been so gracious in accomodating me in my funky schedule and wants me to succeed in my own business. He allows me to work only Mon-Wed full time, then a couple hours on Thursdays and Fridays so that I have time to build my own business. He wants to see me happy. He supports me in my success. He wants to see me do it. I feel so very grateful for that. Because I work only Mon-Wed full time, I have to work Mon-Wed full time. All the vendors and employees know that is when the office is open.

Friday's meeting was breathtaking and life-altering and so...so... amazing. I was excited to go forward into this year with that new energy. It was something I was really looking forward to and felt like it was where I was meant to be. But, no! NO! And I am so sad about it. However, I didn't start out sad. I started out ANGRY! Hello anger...

Thing is, I really despise being shown something and then having it taken away. I have the Gift of Sight and sometimes I can see the future outcome for myself. Which is a huge detriment because then my human side gets all involved and steps in and fucks things up, trying to get to the beautiful end earlier, avoiding divine timing and forgetting about others' Free Will. Well, this group was like that for me. I got to try it out and experience it. I got to feel hmmmmm... this feels really good! This feels like I am meant to be here! This feels like a perfect fit for me!

"We're sorry," My dear friend said tentatively. "I have talked with the others and it just isn't going to work to only have it on Thursdays or Fridays. They really want to stick to the Tuesday schedule and we like the flexibility of having the entire week to pick from, if there needs to be a change."

"Well, then," I said, trying not to sound like a rejected puppy dog and failing miserably, "I will have to pull out of the group." I wanted to vomit on the words. And the anger flared up so big and strong that I wanted to throw my phone at the wall.

I could hear the dejection in her voice, "I know. I feel so sad. I'm so sorry."

And I am hearing... No, you DON'T fit in here. No, you AREN'T enough for us to open up for changing it to Thursdays or Fridays. No, you can look, but you can't touch. No, sorry, go away. Only the cool girls get to eat at this table...

I am hearing that, mind you, in my head, not my ears. The other women are really being compassionate and willing to look at the options.

They are.

However, they are unwilling to commit to keeping it on those two days so that I can commit to attending. They want five days a week open at their disposal.

(And, the enlightened side of me wants to tell you that I can totally understand their side of the stories and I see their compassion and can feel their sadness at me not being there.)

And, frankly, right now? The unenlightened side of me does not give a fuck what the enlightened side is saying. It is one more thing that I have been shown and then have had taken away from me. Why couldn't they have discussed this first? Why couldn't they have discovered they would not limit themselves to Thursdays and Fridays BEFORE they let me in?!

It would have been such a different situation if they would have just said, to start with, "So sorry, we cannot conform to a Thursday/Friday situation instead of our standard Tuesday. It won't work." I could have rolled with that. I would have not even minded, actually, because I hadn't tasted it!

But no! Now, I have tried it. It's like letting me have really good, mind-blowing, earth-transcending sex for the first and only time in my life and then saying, "Ha ha ha! No more. You got to try it out. You got to see it. Now... psyche! Nope!" (this group wasn't that good, but you catch my drift.)

I have had way too many things as of late be shown to me and, even in some instances got to try out, only to be told... nope, not for you.

I really, really hate (and, yes! I fucking said hate!) it when I hear the, "If you're meant to [fill in the blank here...] it will work out..." because, in the moment that it doesn't work out I am left with that why not me feeling. That is the worst!

I am fucking tired of it! Tired, I say! TIRED!

(And yes, goddamn it! I hear the victim in that. I need to vent to get this out and that looks like playing victim right now, apparently.)