Holding Up My Head

I had an interesting session with my Reiki Master Trainer yesterday. It has been several months since I have been on the table so it was much needed.

For my entire life, I have looked to outside sources to define who I am. I needed other’s approval and definition. Perhaps that is why my sense of “aloneness” is so intensified as of late. There is no one “here” to tell me who I am. For a decade I have been without a guide, without a compass and I am exhausted from the wandering.

Many say, “You are your own compass.”

Yes, well, that is all fine and dandy for those who have been raised up being their own compass. When one is raised in a religion that teaches its people to seek outside oneself to find answers and guidance, it becomes a way of life. It is not an excuse. (And, yes, I am an adult, already.) It is simply a fact. I was trained to seek and find myself outside of me – generally to God who is a distant being “up there” and only attained through a conglomeration of correct protocols. My compass was a deity that was difficult to reach, thus I settled for flawed human beings to be my guide.

For the most part, these human beings loved me. I rarely sought opinions from others who exhibited negative emotions about me as a person. I rarely bought into their beliefs about who I am because somewhere deep inside me I generally believe I am a good person. I just don’t know who I am.

That is a disconcerting statement for many people I know. How can you NOT know who you are? Well, I don’t. Plain and simple.

In other realms, I am also faltering. I think money is a cool concept. However, I have no education about or understanding of money. In my session yesterday, my RMT asked me, “Angie, how do you create money?”

I stared at her, feeling mute and dumb. It was as though she had spoken to me in Atlantean or some other exotic, lost language because there was absolutely no understanding anywhere in my body or head. I imagine I looked at her as though she was daft and I responded, “I don’t create money. I earn it.”

I understood from her sound of disbelief that there was something screwed with that logic. I looked at her, just staring at her, as I let the words sink in. Money is just a symbol. It is paper with an energy assigned to it. Thus, it is, at its very core, simply energy. I understand about creating energy and that it is my divine right to play with the energy I create and that it is comes from an unending source. I, however, have to earn this particular energy human beings call money.

See, I have been putting forth some concentrated effort to reprogram my thinking patterns on many topics. Money is one. Weight is another. Sexuality is, yet, another. This "create vs. earn" way of thinking was a brand new realization of an old pattern. I get the distinct impression that all of these issues are linked for me. I must earn my money, earn my beautiful, healthy body and earn my right to be a sexual being. Somewhere in me is a program that says these are not my divine right of which I am already worthy. I must earn these things.

She and I discovered that I stop myself in all of these realms. Apparently, I am a control freak. Sheesh. Who knew?! (I imagine that there are several people out there [none of which read this blog, I believe] who would say, “Uh, ye-eah. Duh. Tell me something I don’t already know.”) Well, it was news to me.

And it goes back to this: *I* do not know who I am. *I* do not know how I feel. *I* do not even know, at times, how to actually feel. *I* do not know what I want and, for the most part, don’t know that it is okay to want something for me. *I* don’t know how I want to live, who I want to be or where I want to go.

For me, I am starting out as a newborn. And, I am angry about that. At 39, I am just now learning how to hold up my own head. Damn it! Hello, anger. Is this what this is all about? Feeling my anger??! Enough already! I get that.

Or, maybe I don’t.