Family Weirdness

It's official. My family is, without a doubt, incredibly weird.

There are so many idiosyncrasies and bizarre personality traits in my extended family and they were all out in full force, full color and live today at the Millgate Family Christmas Party. It was meant to be fun, my cousin - who is exactly, to almost the minute, ten years younger than me - planned it to be like the "fun" Christmases she - and many of the other older grandchildren, including myself - remember from our youth.

It was to be a Christmas Brunch - waffles, bacon, sausage, juice, milk, etc - and we were doing it all from scratch. Until we blew out every single outlet in the kitchen of the rec center we were in. Then we had to drag tables all over the gym to find separate outlets for the griddles and waffle irons until we had enough food - two hours later - that everyone got to have at least a snack.

As "The Siblings" - as my father and his brothers and sisters are called - have aged, things have just gotten more weird. Arguments that have lasted decades have caused bad feelings that waft around the gatherings in this misty haze of malcontent, even though no one remembers what the original spat was about. The strong division of financial standings is practically visible - each family gathering reminiscent of scenes from West Side Story... with those from the East looking down their noses at those from the West... "Dahling... don't talk to her... she is a lower-class west sider... we do not associate with their kind."

You think I'm kidding?

I'm not.

Predictably the group divides into small clusters of comfortableness wherein the people can be safe. Rarely do the groups intermingle. Today my cousin tried to shake things up a bit, though. We were doing a Sub-for-Santa and we had all donated money to the pot which was then divided amongst The Siblings which were also handed an envelope which contained the list of needs for the person for which they were responsible to shop. Then, my cousin, in her brilliance - and perhaps naivete - had optimistically designated The Siblings as the head of each of their teams, which were comprised of people whose names she had drawn out of a hat. She really wanted the family to spend time with one another in groups which they normally did not.

It lasted all of about five minutes until, behind her back, the groups started changing. People dropped out of the shopping spree all together. Others whined until they were accepted into the team they wanted to be on - the team that had the people they "liked." Some people actually left the party and never returned. I ended up on a team with an uncle who has always given me the creeps, an Aunt who seemingly has hated me for ten years and has actually said horrible things about me and one of my male cousins whom I don't know very well but still adore. Thank god for him or I would have been miserable.

My aunt insisted on taking money back with us. She was fixated on not spending all of the money we had been allotted for the five-year-old little boy for whom we were responsible to gift. She needed to return with money in hand. So, we had $70 and she would only allow us to purchase $61 of gifts.

The adventure got better. When we all returned with our bounty - some of the family members truly believing that the process was a race in which they had to win - we were responsible to gift wrap the packages. Nightmare! Here was where all the OCD and Anal Retentive personalities rose to the occasion. Some teams took over an hour to wrap three boxes!

Oh! My! God!

Today, I slid into my detached observer mode, which I have done a lot as of late because it seems to be safe. And because I was observing, I was able to see all the bizarre behaviors. Some of which I giggled at. Others which I rolled my eyes at. And others which down right pissed me off. In times like these, when there are wars brewing all over the world and people starving and dying in the cold, I watch my family and I am appalled by their behavior. I am hoping that everyone's family is weird, but I fear that mine may just be over the top of weird.

Epilogue...

So... I found out some other interesting(?) tidbits that I had to post after the fact.

Two of the people who left the party early were my father and his wife. They left because they had to go serve their mission down at the Church Historical Library in Salt Lake. Now, I know that The Church teaches "God first. Family second," however, if same said people are able/willing to take time off from their mission to attend the wedding of some obscure friend's (whom they haven't seen in over two years) daughter in Boise, Idaho (a five/six hour drive away) then couldn't they, for the love of all that is holy, take time off to spend with their family at the once-a-year Christmas ta-do???

We do not exchange gifts anymore as per my cousin, who is a week younger than me, who pitched a fit about seven years ago because they couldn't afford all the gifts they have to get for her family and his family and their own family and on and on and on. So the gifts have been nixed ever since. However, The Siblings still give gifts to their mother and they do it at the family Christmas party so she can open them in front of everyone. (Author's bitchy, judgmental sidenote here... they do it so everyone can see what they got her and know who did the better gifts.) This year someone gave her carry-on luggage. What the hell for? She never travels. But, nonetheless, she said she needed it and they could not think that through for themselves and got it for her. My father and his wife gave her empty boxes to unwrap to prove that they had given her gifts. She was wearing one of the gifts - her new shoes. And the other gift - a case of jam from the LDS cannery - was at home on her shelf.

One of my uncles actually had the balls to ask my cousin - who had organized the entire event and collected all the money donated to the Sub for Santa cause - if he could have money back!!! Who, for hell's sake, asks for money back from a Sub for Santa donation pot?!!

My mother attended with me at the behest of my organizer cousin. (Mom gave me permission to post this, so have no fear) She offered a beautiful gift of a poinsettia to her former mother-in-law. The thing was gorgeous! What Grandma didn't know was that the freezing cold weather had done weird things to the beautiful plant. It made it so fragile that, if you even looked at it, let alone touched it, the branches would fall off. Eventually, by the time we made it to the rec center, all of the branches, aside from two, had popped off. Rather than throw it away or not give it at all, Mom shoved the branches down into the dirt, fluffed the leaves and called it good.

My capitalist cousin has named his youngest baby girl Corporate. God have mercy on us all!