I am a member of the Accelerated Learning Community wherein I have the opportunity of delving deep into who I am. It is a satisfying journey of self-discovery and eye-opening awareness unlike any other endeavor I have embarked upon.
Recently, through ALC, I have uncovered a missing vital aspect of who I am: anger. If you are one of the few people I have allowed to get close to me, you are probably snickering under your breath and muttering something akin to, “Really? You don’t say. Tell me something I don’t already know.”
In my world, anger is unacceptable. Good girls do not get angry. And, if they do, they certainly do not, under any circumstances, express that anger. For longer than I can recollect, I have refused to recognize my anger and have stuffed that anger so completely that stuffing has become second nature to me. I am positive that, at some point, I was conscious of my anger and actually felt the moment I decided to ignore my anger. I am certain that I felt the consequences inside my body at that moment as I fought against that natural, human emotion and buried my anger deep within. Now, however, there is not even a blink or a pause before I cram my anger away. I instantaneously make my anger disappear before I am consciously aware the feeling is rising.
Exploring the “concept” of my anger has sparked within me a wondering: how do I do something different if I have no other knowledge to draw on? I had a session yesterday with one of the facilitators of ALC and I asked her that very question. Her answer: Be aware and breathe.
It is true, as I look back, in the times that I have allowed even a little bit of my anger out, I have completely stopped breathing. I find it difficult to talk because I go into a state of such intense fear that it practically paralyzes my vocal chords. My entire body trembles. My face turns red (in hindsight, possibly from the lack of oxygen). I seek air in hiccupping, gasping inhalations. I feel lightheaded (also, in hindsight, due to oxygen deprivation).
When I speak while in anger, the words come out in two ways: strained, choppy and whispery or loud, ferocious and volatile. In either of those situations, when I have finally allowed the emotion of my anger to actually emote, I find that my anger flares beyond control. My anger becomes an entity with its own mind, leaves my physical body and explodes in acidic fire because it has been simmering deep down inside in the festering juices of denial.
Expressing anger is one of the most frightening things I could consider. I would rather have all of my teeth pulled out, without Novocain, in front of a packed auditorium, naked than I would to express my anger.
So what do I do?
Her suggestion: let your anger out in little, controlled spurts. Find a way to invoke your anger of your own accord and FEEL it.
Hmmm… really? I hear my mind catapulting all sorts of stories and judgments onto that invitation. However, I do want to incorporate all of who I am into one person. I do want to bring all of me wherever I go. And, especially, I do want to feel complete.
I am scared. That’s what all this boils down to. I am scared – beneath my anger, on top of my anger and running all the way through my anger. I am scared.
Sheesh…
©Angie K. Millgate 3/21/07
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