Friday, January 29, 2010

Update on Where I Am

An update on where I am in a short list of things I've been learning.

*When people I deeply love choose out of relationship with me for whatever reason and go away, I feel it like a huge gaping space in my world. In the past, I've filled that emptiness with thoughts of "What did I do wrong? How can I fix it? How can I make this better? What can I do to bring this back together again." Things have shifted for me though. Now it looks like this: I'm feeling sad. Big, deep sad. There's a wave of it. There's another wave of it. And... it is what it is. I loved big. I loved fully. There were lessons learned AND it is all exactly perfect. There is nothing for me to do except keep loving me and move forward. I feel grateful to be witnessing this shift in me.

*I'm afraid of "open space." When I hear my mentor, Megan Sillito, speak of open space, it sounds comforting and exciting. When I pull it through my brain and try to create it, it feels overwhelming, huge, scary, far too vast for me. I have found myself frozen because right now my life IS open space. I didn't realize that I was so terrified of the term "open space" until last night, when I sat with Megan and said, "There is SO MUCH open space in front of me, I can't do anything." Thank you, Megan for sitting with me and being present while I reprogramed myself. I feel grateful for the perceptible shift I can feel in my life, in my body even right now with this brand new thinking pattern.

*I am love. I am blessed with having the ability to feel sensations of love viscerally through my body. I am blessed with the ability to love even when it's not the "popular choice" and, in that space of love, there is healing. I feel grateful to know that so solidly about myself.

*Even if I feel humanly lonely, I am never alone. Thank You, Lord, for that gift.

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