Is This For Real?

I'm at the end of the first Monday of 2010 and looking forward to tomorrow's adventures. I have the opportunity to co-op the Open Classroom on Tuesday mornings and all day on Thursdays. I LOVE IT! I get to teach children. Teaching is my passion. On Tuesdays, I get to be with the kindergarteners. What a joy! And tomorrow I'm excited for the adventure of leading all three kindergarten classes - about 75 children - in Meditative Art Therapy... an hour of movement, meditation and individual creative artistic expression through drawing, painting or sculpting. I'm excited to see how it turns out. I'll keep you updated...

And... onto other less exciting things... tomorrow I'm visiting a bankruptcy attorney. I cry just writing that. My unemployment benefits are running out. The state has denied my request for food benefits because, apparently, with my unemployment benefits I earn too much money. How is that possible when I cannot afford to pay my bills? How can I be bringing in too much money? My benefits are 2/3 of what I was bringing home when I was employed. I was able to cover all of my bills prior to losing my job in September. I was even on a pay down plan and was making quite a lot of headway. But... that was then. This is now. Along the way, I have used all of my savings to make sure that all of my bills stayed current. Those accounts drained out in November. And now, apparently, I make too much money.

*sigh*

I feel ashamed and guilty that I'm even looking at bankruptcy. Originally, I created this debt - although it has grown remarkably large with fees and such - so I feel like a schmuck for even looking at this. I feel dirty and cheap and... white-trashy. Ugh.

Here's where I am with it... I have five different creditors calling me every hour. If I had a dollar for every call I get from each creditor, I could pay each of the minimum payments! And, sorrowfully, the answer is the same for each of them... there is no money. I cannot give you what I do not have. And then I hang up - or avoid answering all together - and I cry. I've been crying a lot lately. Lots and lots of tears.

So, I really look forward to hanging out with five year olds tomorrow. Life is beautiful and gentle in their presence. So much more delightful than hanging out with creditors, to say the least...