All I'm clear on is that my essence is compassionate, thoughtful and caring. In the past, I had simply moved and acted with love, on the impulse of love. It was a true, innocent expression of what I felt for that person in that moment. When I met this friend seven years ago and he told me my thoughtfulness had "ulterior motives," suddenly, my world was tilted and any time I wanted to do for or say anything to him, I questioned myself. Suddenly my thoughtfulness had become something other than a pure expression of my love and I felt afraid and in that moment, I made him more right than me about who I am.
The saddest part about this tale is this... when I made that decision, I cut off one of the most beautiful aspects of who I am. Suddenly it wasn't okay to be a caring, loving person. With one statement, suddenly my entire life became a sham. And I shut away the tenderest part of me. I sometimes revert back to that innocent stage and leap at offering comfort out of the goodness of my heart but is more often than not received poorly and generally ends with me retreating with my blankey and spewing swear words.
Sooooo... what I'm wondering now is... when my essence has been deemed "bad" and "wrong" what the hell do I do? How do I break these shackles and release my innocence again? How do I trust my loving essence will be received with love?