Suspended

Suspended The other day at lunch with my best friend, Jen, I said, "I feel ground-less, like I look at my feet and there is nothing there. Like, I'm dangling over this bottomless pit. It's an unpleasant sensation." "I bet!" She said. I can count on her to really listen to me, while staying in her own lane. I continued on, "Actually, I have this very distinct image in my head when I try to explain how I'm feeling right now. It's like someone has tossed an entire deck of cards into the air and they are just suspended there. They aren't coming down. They aren't being gathered up. They're just there. In the air. Suspended. With nothing beneath them. That is how I feel. I am the cards." We spent an enjoyable three hours together, talking and relating. Afterwards, when I returned to my computer, I immediately went to the electronic forum of which I am a participant. It is there that Jen, my other friends and I support one another to be our best possible selves. I have a running commentary going on there about my current fear of commitment. One of my good friends, Melissa, is a certified pole fitness instructor who has been talking with me about coming to her studio for a session. My answer to her? Absolutely NOT! I'm fat and if I even touch that pole, it will fall out of the ceiling! NO! WAY! Liss is good-spirited about it, playing with me in my Fatty FatFat persona who seems to be parading around all too frequently as of late, feeling all wobbly and dissatisfied with life. I opened up my Commitment dialogue to discover this from her: "I love how perfect your signature quote is for this." I hadn't paid much attention to it lately. I picked it last year because I loved it so much. I scrolled down and looked at it: "You have to leave the ground to learn to fly." *sigh* Given my sensation of being a deck of cards suspended above the bottomless pit, it is no wonder that I cannot move and feel frozen with fear. If I don't move, then I won't fall. However, I also will not fly. I took a moment to think back over this last year. I've accomplished a lot! I have had my first art showing. I have completed my book, the cover art, the book proposal and am being published. I have taken on teaching a brand new course in my daughter's school and have battled for the right to teach it. I have started two business ventures. And so much more... There are a lot of big things happening in my world and, yes, the ground has shifted out from underneath me. But, guess what! That's what happens when you make a commitment to continually step into the unknown. I'm right where I'm supposed to be right now... without any ground beneath me, learning to trust myself and learning to fly. ©Angie K. Millgate 3/9/09