The father of one of my bestest friends was recently diagnosed with cancer far advanced in the fourth stage. He died peacefully a few days ago and today was his funeral. My friend is one of the most amazing people I know, who exhibits genuine kindness and love. He was born and raised in a Mormon household but has since departed the church. He and I have talked occasionally about our feelings about the church and usually, even though he is a gay man, he has had very little to say negatively about the religion's views. I have always known my friend to be a gentle soul who is true to himself.
In the last two months, I have attended two funerals, both of which have been Mormon funerals. It is the only time I have been back inside a Mormon church building. As I was also born and raised Mormon and the majority of my society were in the same boat, there was only one funeral I attended that was not a Mormon funeral. That service was warm and full of anecdotes about the person whom we were there to remember. It was such a stark contrast to what I was accustomed to.
Lately, with these last two funerals, I have become achingly aware of the insidious nature of Mormon funerals. Each time, I have walked away feeling empty and drained from the experience. Today, it is laced with anger. My friend spoke in honor of his father and also played a most beautiful piano piece which he had written just for him. Being no longer Mormon, his talk was heartfelt and sincere, devoid of any of the preaching that followed.
I feel angry that the church views a person's funeral as a moment to educate and, possibly, convert a captive audience. I was there to support my friend (as I was at the other funeral I recently attended). I had no desire to hear about the Plan of Salvation or the Three Tiers of the Kingdom of Heaven or that only those who have been Sealed will be one of the fortunate couples who receive exhaltation in the highest level of the highest kingdom. I don't care. I am not there for a Sunday school lesson. I am imagining that others who are also not Mormon don't care much either. And those who are Mormon have already heard the entire song and dance a gazillion times before, so they probably know it by rote and don't care much either. This person's funeral is just not the appropriate place to be waxing religious.
I have experienced these last two funerals, afterwards, in about the same light as I experienced Amway meetings or any other MLM meeting I have attended - and I have attended a lot of those. I realized today, as I drove away, that the reason Utah is the MLM capital of the nation is because there are so many Mormon's here and they are used to this insidious behavior. Hey, I have this great opportunity for you... that could be followed by two men in ties and white shirts with short haircuts knocking upon your door and holding up a Book of Mormon for you, or it could also be easily followed by two men in ties and white shirts, maybe with short haircuts, standing in front of you with a white board drawing circles and talking about how a rut is simply a grave with the ends knocked out. (For those of you that don't get that, don't bother. For those of you who do, I wanna know if you ever said the words "I'm goin' Diamond!" or "I'm all fired up!")
Funerals, in general, are not the most pleasant of things. Perhaps wakes are, but I wouldn't know because the society of my origin did not believe in that. Today, though, was especially aggravating for me. This funeral could have stopped after my friend's tribute. It made sense to that point. It was about the person we were there to remember. Following his beautiful piano piece, in my humble opinion, we all went to hell in a hand basket via the Celestial Kingdom.
5 comments:
Funerals are for those left living, you know in my own great let me shove my belief down your throat type way, so I tend to shun going to funerals...expecially long drawn out religious ones.
Wakes on the other hand can be very nice.
I have no idea what a wake is like, as I mentioned AND that is what I want for my loved ones when I go...
I totally agree with you. There has been a real push in LDS (Mormon) services to make them less about the person who as passed away and more about the LDS church.
My mother-in-law passed away recently and the talks during the service were more about how she raised worthy sons (no mention of the worthy daughters) and how involved she was in the church.
I need to get busy and plan my own service and make sure that I don't have a Mormon funeral.
Me thinks the author doth protest a little too much. Funerals are ultimately about the living and a sermon is often part of the comfort they expect. That happens, sometimes for good or ill in Mormon funerals, but living outside the Zion Curtain most funerals I attend are NOT LDS, and it happens just as much in Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, etc. funerals. I also don't get the jibe about wakes and Mormons. Whether you call it a viewing, a wake or a visitation it's all pretty much the same damn thing no matter what type of collar or underwear the minister is wearing. It might be more regional and cultural differences than anything.
In all cases, the family needs to be assertive and exercise some editorial control over the proceedings, again, that's regardless of the denomination at hand. And realistically, sometimes a minister or pastor or bishop will get up there and say things the family wishes they wouldn't. Some are much more accommodating than others (I say from experience having dealt with 4 funerals by 3 different denominations in the last six months). The minister in charge will usually have his/her own agenda and it may not align with the family's. You need to be firm.
One way to avoid it all together is to hold a brief service at the chapel of the funeral home, then you don't have to be at the mercy of the presiding authority.
And for the record, Lutheran hot dish and green jello is pretty much the same as Mormon funeral potatos and green jello. In the big picture people are more alike than they realize.
Hey, David...
I am with you about having some sort of different service, rather than a Mormon funeral. I, however, have officially left the Church so I am thinking (although I could be wrong on this, depending on who is alive when I am gone) that I wouldn't be allowed to have a Mormon funeral, even if I wanted one.
Five years ago, we buried my maternal grandmother, Faye. The bishop of her ward was very explicit in his instructions: "This service is a teaching opportunity. The talks should be centered on gospel doctrine, not Faye." I was still trying to play nice within the Church, but I was hoppin' mad and felt completely impotent to do anything differently than what he had stipulated...
And, Surakmn...
I am appreciating your broad view and experience of other religion's funerals. I feel sad that you have dealt with 4 funerals in the last six months. That seems like a lot of death-grieving in such a short timespan. I am really appreciating your closing line... "In the big picture people are more alike than they realize." True. So very true.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your point of view, both of you!
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your point of view, both of you!
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