TT "Marching Morons"

First, I must out myself... When Cele suggested this week's Talk Thursday topic, I snorted and chortled because I read it as "Marching Mormons." I instantly went into fits of giggles as I imagined myself bitching writing about my up close and personal experiences in the land of Mormonism - both my own personal stories as a Mormon, as well as what I have experienced with Mormons. After I wiped my tears and while in the middle of my reply back to C, I realized that the word was morons not Mormons and then I laughed right out loud, doubled over with the hilarity of it all. I am still chuckling about that Freudian slip.

However, once I had realized what the word really was, I drew a total blank. I was curious about my programing that instantly turned on... that is bad to call people morons... it's not nice to talk bad about others behind their backs... do unto others as I would have done unto me... if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all. And so on.

Then I realized something. A great big, "slap my forehead cuz I could have had a V8" sort of big something. I believe whole-heartedly in the power of the Freudian slip. I know from my work that when a client slips like that (i.e., using the word "flogged" instead of "flawed") that there is huge stuff buried beneath the slip. Therefore, given that, I chose to delve under my slip to see what I could find. It's not pretty...

I was born and raised a Mormon, a full-blooded and completely sanctified and endowed member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I retained that status - sometimes barely by a thread because I have a tendency to thwart authority and rules and I really like sex - until just a few years ago. While I was a member, the strangeness and seeming cultishness (that should be a word) of my religion did not actually strike me as either strange or cultish, although people all around the word have a deep-seated (seeded?) fear of that religion.

I really thought that when I asked to have my name removed from the records of the Church that I would not see any difference in the Church. I thought that my eyes were opened within the Church. I thought that the burning in my bosom and all that schnazzy stuff that good Mormons are supposed to feel was not felt by me because I just wasn't a good enough Mormon. I thought that my formal divorcing of all that I had been taught to believe but never really felt would somehow release me and I would see the Church as only good.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

This past Sunday night, I had the opportunity to attend the blessing of my cousin's first daughter. Traditionally, in the LDS Church, babies are blessed on the first Sunday following their emergence into this world. It is quite ritualistic, in a Mormon sort of way, this blessing of the newborn child. The LDS religion states that children are born into this world pure and free of sin, unlike some religions which teach that children are born in sin. Therefore, the purpose of the blessing is not to cast out demons or purify this newborn's soul. This blessing is for one purpose only. I believe the words are: "The name which she shall be known on the records of the Church..."

I have done a little research regarding the blessing of infants and where the ritual started. According to an Ensign article I found on www.lds.org:

"In the ordinance of blessing infants, however, especially in giving the child a name, we are counseled, as seen above, to address our Heavenly Father, perhaps because, among other reasons, the infant does not understand our speaking directly to him. Still addressing the Lord, priesthood bearers are authorized to give a name to the infant rather than merely to ask that a name be given (“We give this infant the name of …”).

Similarly, in the blessing part of the ordinance, it seems to me that Melchizedek Priesthood bearers are authorized by the Lord not merely to pray for blessings, but to pronounce or give blessings directly as the Spirit suggests. This procedure is consistent not only with the instructions in the Melchizedek Priesthood Handbook, but also with D&C 20:70:

“Every member of the Church of Christ having children is to bring them unto the elders before the church, who are to lay their hands upon them in the name of Jesus Christ and bless them in his name” (italics added).

There are a few points that, while reading this particular article, I felt my hackles raise. Like, for instance, the statement that the "infant does not understand our speaking directly to him" and, of course, the scripture from D&C. Why? Why must every child be brought to the elders before the church? (in rereading that scripture, I stumbled along the "Church of Christ" part and wondered, suddenly, when the name of the Church had been changed?!?!) There are so many why's in the Church that I never have had answered. Each one built on the last until I was a huge mess of unanswerable questions.

However... I digress...

I went to this blessing on Sunday. My cousin opted to host it at her small house, rather than in Fast & Testimony meeting on Sunday at the chapel. I am not sure of her reasoning behind that, but it was her choice. The interesting thing is... for her to do that, she had to receive permission from her Bishop and there had to be an "authority" from the Church who presided over the event. There were two of them that I noticed. Two Suits, standing stoically beside the entrance, feet spread hip width apart and planted firmly on the ground, heads in the Celestial Kingdom, hands appropriately crossed in front of their crotches - that typical "I am important" sort of stance that authorities and cops and such take on.

I was startled to feel the heaviness of the room. It could have been that there were about fifty people crammed into the space that would have comfortably held only ten. It could have been because there were so many Suits in the place. It could have been that the Elders had congregated authoritatively in the corner, lording over the room and seemingly watching everyone's every move. It could have been, simply, that I just no longer believe.

The heaviness became oppressive as the Suits circled up in the center of the tiny living room. I actually leaned against the wall for protection as they shouldered through the crowd with this sort of intention that felt twisted to me. Suddenly, there they were, all twelve of them circled up in the center of the room as if they had been translated to that very space. Then I watched. They seemed to fall in a specific, secret order, with my cousin's brother being the focal point as he was the one who held the baby.

Now, about these blessings... only Melchizedek Priesthood holders in the office of Elder are allowed to stand in these circles. My cousin's husband was not in high enough standing so he is not allowed to lay his hands on his child to give her an official priesthood blessing, nor is he able to even be a part of the circle. (I remember the day very vividly when my high school boyfriend obtained the office of Elder and was able to stand in his first circle. I was able to witness that and stood there glowing with pride that I was in love with such a worthy(?) man.) Also, the Elder's in the circle must be worthy to stand in that circle. I glanced around the room, as I noticed several people doing, and took note of the few men that were standing outside of the circle. Since there were only three and I know them all, I know why they weren't in that circle. Another way to have obvious divisiveness within the Church.

Having never been this close to a Priesthood circle, I had never had the chance to really watch. And, of course, when I was a member, I had assumed the position of reverence as soon as the men had began gathering - eyes closed, head lowered, arms folded - so that I would be in the proper frame of mind for supporting the blessing.

They circled up in a clockwise fashion, each man slanting his left shoulder out of the circle, right shoulder in. They each placed their right hand under the baby, which was being gently bounced, causing the entire circle to pulse in a bouncing rhythm. From what my brother tells me, this bouncing is part of the protocol whether the infant is crying or not. Now, the curious part was, every one of the Elders I could see placed their left hand on the left shoulder or mid-shoulders of the Elder in front of them and then slid their hand to the proper place on the Elder's right shoulder. Every one of the Elders were very serious about making sure the proper protocol was followed.

In that moment, as I watched each of their hands slide into place, I shuddered with the realization that I was witnessing a ritual. This was not a ceremony. This was a ritual. And it was now easy to see why most of the modern world views the Mormons as a cult. There are many of these rituals which are performed, almost as if by rote. I felt scared, as I stood there, wide-eyed and really listened and felt was going on. I felt scared that, in that room, I felt a darkness. I felt scared that there was no light, no heaven-sent messengers or spirits. I felt scared that this Church was not true.

And then, I felt really scared that maybe I had fallen so far from grace that I could no longer feel the spirit. I had fallen so far that I am now condemning the Only True Church on the Face of the Earth. I was scared that I am maybe really going to Outer Darkness because I denounced the Church.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I had arrived right on time with my mom and as soon as the Elders said, "Amen," I was bolting around the fridge to kiss my cousin and aunt farewell. Mom waved from her stunned position at the door and was gone even before I was. I trembled in my car, scared that it was me that was evil. Scared that I was the reason that there was no lightness in the room. That I had brought evil into a space where there was supposed to be only good. I felt scared again that maybe it was only me that did not feel the spirit. Then Mom had shakily whispered that she had had a similar experience.

I have been so troubled by the feeling in that room. Since Sunday, I have wanted to write about it, but have felt afraid. I couldn't even talk about it until later Monday night. And then I was terrified because the only word that would come to mind to describe what I felt there was wicked. And then, this topic came up and everything from that night came rushing to the surface.

I am still unsettled about the whole scene. There was a moment when I felt something crawling up my spine, this uneasy and creeping sensation which settled at the base of my skull. I could not shake the feeling and, even now, if I look, it is still there and I shudder with the intensity of it. I feel a strong need to roll my head and shrug my shoulders to release it. And, yet, it does not go. There is something I am not yet getting and it will stay until I do.

I know this feeling. It is the feeling I get when I am intentionally ignoring myself. It is how I feel when I am endangering myself. It is how I feel when I have an intuitive nudge that I choose to stuff into the closet.

I feel scared about the implications of that feeling.