"Shadows" -Angie Millgate 2008In the shadows of my mind I see remnants of a heart that once beat strongly, soundly and wholly for you. The darkness there holds onto the laughter and the loving and spews it forth in the night when I sleep... vulnerable, open and unguarded. The memories walk out from the darkness of the shadows in my mind into the light of my dreams where they taunt me and remind me of what once was and will never be again.
"Queen" - Angie Millgate 2008If I look again, I see shelves that have been unlit for lifetimes. Times where I gave up a part of me to please others. Times where I surrendered my love for the goodness of the kingdom. Times where I fought as the warrior queen for her people, with her people. Times where they came to me to be healed and to be loved, to be accepted and to be sheltered. Times of victories lived long ago and forgotten in the Now.
"Sweeping Darkness" -Angie Millgate 2008And there. Deep, deep in the shadows. So far back and hidden and cowering in the corner behind the darkest shelf of dark thoughts. There lies the memories of pain so intense and heartbreak so disbelievable. There are the aches of bruised bones and burning eyes. The toxic fears brought on in a violent sweep through the life of one too gentle to face such horrors. There is where the shivering begins and intensifies until it rattles me to the ends of who I am. The memories that haunt me on dark, windy roads and wait to accost me in moments I least expect an invasion. It is all stored there, that which I think is long gone but is not. It is just there... waiting... seething... reaching toward the light of my present mind... haunting me.
"Sacred Light" -Angie Millgate 2008And because the shadows of my mind only harbor that which once was, which no longer serves me other than to remind me that I have lived lifetimes of experiences, I bring my focus back to the surface where there is light and where there is Now. And begin anew in the light, knowing that it is there where I live. And that, although those demons and dark shelves lurk there in the distance, in the shadows, it is here in the open, in the Now, in the present that I live.
6 comments:
oh most excellent post. I love the past, present, and future. The pain and the healing, the knowledge and the growth. Excellent post.
Well, thank you, darling! And thank you for coming up with the idea. You certainly get my mind stretching!
And because the shadows of my mind only harbor that which once was... I bring my focus back to the surface where there is light and where there is Now. And begin anew in the light, knowing that it is there where I live.... [I]t is here in the open, in the Now, in the present that I live.
Excellent! Absolutely beautiful!
I remember the first time I realized I'd been living too much in the past and looking too much to the future and not living enough in the present. It was a shocking realization...
As Mormons, it's what we do: we tell the stories of our ancestors crossing the plains and we lament their hardships, which are emblematic of our own. We preach the future and craft all that we do as a means to that reward of perfection, salvation, and exaltation, pinning everything on the idea and hope of what might be.
The result: We fail to live in the moment and be present.
Like you, I've tried to live as fully in the present and the here-and-now as possible.
I appreciate the past for what I've experienced and learned, but it is past. I can't--and I don't want to--get it back.
I appreciate the future for the potential it holds, but there are too many bridges that could be crossed or might exist. I can't let the unknown, the what-might-bes, the maybes clutter my mind with fear and anxiety, otherwise, I end up stuck and at a standstill.
All I have is right now.
You've captured that beautifully, Abgue. We move forward in this moment. We live in this moment.
I remember reading a sign once in a casino in Las Vegas: You must be present to win.
Here's to your present.
J~
WHEW! I TOTALLY got shivels when I read your comments. (btw... "shivels" is my own special body experience - my nipples stand up and I get goosebumps and shivers and an energetic rush through me when I am in a space of truth. Chills+Shivers+Nips=Shivels)
I appreciate your feedback and the wisdom you reflected back to me. I have never been able to tag the "never present" thing as clearly as you did it. I can see how our upbringing would have caused that state of being and explains a lot about my relationship with my parents.
I really, really loved the sign you quoted from Vegas. I had never paid much attention to that statement anywhere, but OMG! It totally makes different sense now.
Thank you again, J, for being here!
With love,
Abgue :)
Actually JulieAnn came up with this week's talk Thursday topic. I will make sure you get included in the loop for now on...er that means the burden will fall on your sometimes to come up with a topic...so beware. But I'm sure you will be up to the task.
I remember reading on your last TT that she was responsible for this week's. But, I read your post soooooo... yeah... Sorry, Juls! Good job on the topic. It rocked my world.
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