Ten Weird Things

10 Weird things about me...

Cele posted a Talk Thursday and, although I am about a week behind – it’s dated 12/20/07 – I thought I would give it a go. And, now that I have decided to take it on, I am completely drawing a blank. Funny... yeah, not so funny...

10 – I have a story that I am unlovable because I am not some waif-like nymphet. Actually, I am a nymph (older than a nymphet, yet a nymph still the same), but I am far from being a waif. Somehow my brain has conjured that that is grounds for being unlovable.

9 – I want to be monetarily wealthy and yet I choose to sabotage myself by creating debt. There is no hope of getting ahead that way.

8 – I believe in Christ, (ack! I totally heard that hymn, which, at one point, was one of my most favorite hymns, blast through my head when I typed those words...), yet I am questioning the validity of that story – the “Birth of Christ.” I am questioning the reality/possibility of such an improbable tale. I am questioning if He is really my Savior, or anyone’s. I am wondering if my God would require His Son to die for me in order to save me. I am wondering why that sounds weird to me now. And I am really scared to write this one...

7 – I have three (almost five) completed books which I am absolutely terrified to query or publish.

6 – I do not call my father’s wife “stepmother.” I call her “my father’s wife.”

5 – Sometimes things come out of my mouth that sound so not-funny and actually quite serious to me in my head, yet people laugh so hard I think they will burst. When I intend to be funny, it is usually received as such. I am funnier around certain people than I am around others and I “feed” off the chemistry there. Sometimes I am surprised to hear someone say, “You are so damn funny!”

4 – Apparently, when I am angry, I am really, really scary. I have had big burly guys tell me that I intimidate the hell out of them when I am angry. I find that funny because I stand five feet tall and forget that I have an extra-large body (until, of course, I go shopping for swimsuits and such), in my head I see myself as tiny. So when these “big” people who tower over me tell me they are afraid of me, I laugh. Then I think about it and wonder if “intimidation” is really what I want to project.

3 – I long to be in a romantic love relationship, most likely with a man since that is my tendency, yet I surround myself with lesbians and gay men.

2 – I have a lot of friends who aren’t really friends and very few whom I would call real friends. Although I have a lot of people in my network, I feel really, really aware that I feel really, really alone. I am a sociable person seemingly without social skills. I love being invited, yet refuse to invite. I love to be included, yet refuse to plan on my own. Shit...

1 – I have spent my entire life trying to fit in and be like everyone else, while longing to be unique. While this is probably very common, it is the strangest thing indeed.

I am way too un-weird. This was a struggle for me. And now, as I am looking back at it, it seems to be another list of fears, rather than weirdness. Okay... so maybe I am more afraid than I am weird.

Go figure!