A Life Without Fear?

My friend, JulieAnn did a post inspired by her friend, Sister Mary Lisa. I felt inspired to do the same...

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Take him up on his propositions without making up silly excuses that are only lies to cover the fact that I am fat and afraid that it will ultimately turn him off. I would meet him at that hotel room or fly with him to Vegas or take a ride up the mountain with him for the sole and carnal purpose of getting our rocks off. I would, of course, not worry about heartbreak because, in a world without fear, there is no such thing as heartbreak. And I would know that I was able to be there with him in that moment and that, when that moment was over, I would go on as I have before. Nothing changed.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Stop editing my books and declare them finished. I would self-publish the autobiography. I would query on the 'tween fiction series. I would own them for the magnificent piece of works that they are and release them into the world. I would step into world-class-renowned-author and I would celebrate that victory every day.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Recognize my beauty. The beauty that is right here, right now in all of this curvaceous, soft, rounded-ness. I would look in the mirror and see only beauty. I would walk down the street and know that I am beautiful and that the whistle I just heard was actually for me, not her, even though I tried to convince her - and me - that it was only for her.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Step out from behind the walls that have protected me for so long. I would open my arms and welcome in love. I would kiss and touch and be kissed and touched. I would hold and be held. I would snuggle under the blankets and feel the warmth of passion beside me... male or female.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Kiss that woman I have been longing to kiss for over a year now. I would actually discover what it feels like to touch another woman's breast in a heated moment of passion. I would feel her hands on my body. I would come alive under her touch. I would shiver with the intensity.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Paint more often. Maybe even in the nude.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Do something about my money situation. I would stop sabotaging myself so that money would actually flow into me and I would get out of survival mode.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Continue to speak my feelings, only I would do it without flinching or apologizing.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Fly to Italy and have a sordid affair with an over-handsome Italian man who speaks broken English with the lilting rhythm of his native tongue and in the throes of passion, in the middle of mind-blowing, earth-shattering, life-altering sex, as I am rising to my climax, he will speak to me of things I do not understand in the lyrical Italian language - music to my ears.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Check out of society and drive cross country on a Harley. I would visit all the back-woods towns. I would eat in diners that have the best apple pie around and I would sleep out under the stars. Alone.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Launch into my speaking career - the career I have been avoiding not because I fear speaking in front of crowds but because I fear I am not enough, not good enough, not important enough, not accomplished enough. Yeah... those fears would be gone.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Tell my father's wife to be nicer to my father. I would tell her to let him pick out his own clothes and stop biting his head off every time he turns around.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Tell my Mom to stop talking to me about being in love with her love and actually do something about it. Then I would take my own advice.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Tell my father that he raised me well in the LDS religion and that it is not a reflection on him that I am no longer a member of the Church and that I appreciate his seemingly genuine kindness when I blew his dreams out of the water that day when I told him I was no longer a member. I would be able to do this because there would be no fears that, by doing so, I would be giving him hope that I would one day return to the Fold because I know that I will not.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Actually do something about purchasing that four bedroom, two bath bungalow cottage with hardwood floors, white flowing curtains, herborium and healing space.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Eat healthier and develop healthier living habits. This would result in me losing weight. Which would be awesome because there would be no fear that someone would actually desire me because I was magically desirable now. Or worse... that there would still be no one that desired me... even at my smaller weight. Yeah... I could really do without those fears.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Really divorce my former husband. Yeah, yeah. We are legally divorced and he is remarried. We are still, however, very intertwined. In a life without fear, I would not need that intertwine-ment.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Own the fact that I am a fanfuckingtastic healer and get my ass in gear, build my business and touch the lives of people that are waiting to be touched.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Dance every spare moment I've got. I would do it naked, even, and relish the feeling of my body parts swaying with the movements.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Forgive and forget. He married someone else. It was his choice. It is time to move on, already. Yep. I would forgive and forget. And, no, this is not my former husband of which I speak. This is someone even more devastatingly important to me. And... in a life without fear, I would be over this by now.

If I lived a life without fear... I would...
Be financially abundant, optimistic, co-creative, fulfilled, successful, joyful, artistic and complete. And, of course, I would laugh often.

And, apparently, my life is more full of fear than I previously cared to admit. I feel sad that I am holding myself back from my Self through this veil of fears. When I finished writing all this, I read through it and felt more and more oppressed. My shoulders hunched over and I couldn't breathe. I have such a tight grip on myself, because of fear, that I am strangling my self. And, in the face of these fears, I go forward day in and day out. The fears sit there and 24 hours tick by and well... they are still there.

Okay... I am thinking I was supposed to feel uplifted and inspired by this.

At this moment, that is so not my experience.

Oh... hello anger... imagine meeting you here...