"Never to be squandered," he said as he lovingly caressed her cheek.
The words were spoken by Alec Baldwin to Meg Ryan in "Prelude to a Kiss," a semi-sappy love story from the early 90's. Hearing them caused my eyes to water and a formidable lump gathered in my throat, catching on the tenderness of his tone. Questions immediately formed in my head as his words reverberated around my skull, bouncing off one another on the upheaval caused by the waves of my sentimentality.
Have I ever been in a relationship with someone who believed I was never to be squandered? Have I ever believed that about myself? Do I know what it feels like to never be squandered?
I sat there staring blankly at the screen, waiting for my answers to appear. And I didn't really want them to appear because I was afraid all of the answers would be, "No."
I have been squandered most of my life. I have attracted friends who drain me, who expect me to be there in support of them and curse me when I am not. Friends who retaliate viciously when I have questioned their lack of support in return. Friends who do not uphold agreements. Family members who shun me, or talk over me or don't even see who I am or respect me. And I have definitely been squandered in every single intimate relationship throughout my life.
To be honest, I am not in an intimate relationship now and haven't been for almost nine years. Perhaps I would feel differently about that if I were currently in a healthy, loving relationship. However, all of my relationships have ended because the man has chosen someone over me, instead of me, while still supposedly being in relationship with me. I have been replaced with seemingly no effort or remorse by every single man I have loved. That has been quite a blow to who I am at my core. I have discovered that there is an unnamable, gaping hole in my chest that frightens me terribly. There is a significant piece of me missing.
Of course, the chicken-egg line of questioning comes into play for me: "Did others squander me because I squandered myself first? Or, did I squander myself because I was squandered?" It is a conundrum. And because I am striving to claim my own stuff, be responsible for my life and live congruently, I feel it important to examine this conundrum to find the answer.
Perhaps it is a self-perpetuating cycle that had no discernable beginning. However, it does have an end.
I am important in this life. I am here for specific reasons. I have important tasks that I have been assigned to, that I committed to do and others are waiting for me to do these things so that they can do their things. Others are waiting to follow in my footsteps.
I haven't always known all this. For a very long time, in fact, I believed I was dispensable and inconsequential. And, maybe, just maybe, everyone out there has a period - short or long - in their life where they feel these same things. Perhaps some don't ever recognize that they do feel that way and they simply go on day after day unconsciously feeling invisible and creating situations that continually support that unconscious numbness.
I have chosen to end the squandering cycle that I have been in for, seemingly, my whole life. It starts with ME. I am creating a life devoid of squandering. I am creating a life where I offer myself caring, saving, respect and esteem. I am creating a life where I realize my importance in the scheme of things and where my intrinsic value is no less - or greater - than that of another.
And, by so doing, those around me will live that creed, "Never to be squandered."
I imagine that if the general population began to foster a belief that human life is never to be squandered, it would generate an amazing outcome.
"Never to be squandered."
What if we all believed that?
©Angie K. Millgate 12/18/06
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