Further Update

I'm appreciating my new sense of open space and all of the discoveries that have happened for me since Thursday night!!!

FURTHER UPDATE

Since I have infused myself with big love and embraced a new experience regarding open space, I've had innumerous inspirations that I feel really excited about. Even more exciting, I've taken the first step on all the inspirations that I could!

Yesterday, I filled out my application for SLCC. I'M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL! I'm excited to be finally pursuing my dream to be a teacher and I am going for a joint degree in education and social work.

Yesterday, I discovered a LOCAL publisher who is perfect for the book I've been working on. I've written my query letter and will be submitting my manuscript today.

MY REQUEST

I'd love to enroll you in my exciting adventure. I believe focusing the energy of a large number of people creates an amazing vortex of success when it's put toward a focused intent. When you think of me, see me successfully completing school, send love and see me signing the contract with the publisher. Hold space for 17 seconds focused on loving me and seeing me as successful in these two adventures. And, for those who know me personally, I'd love to receive support and loving energy through emails or texts.

YAY! Thank you!

Welcoming 2010

The New Year has rolled in. Outside my window, somewhere nearby, someone is setting off fireworks. I love the crash-bang-explosion of fireworks, especially the ones that are loud enough to make my toes curl. These are not that loud, but I love them nonetheless.

Tonight I set the intention to do only what felt delicious to me. I surprised myself by deciding that delicious felt and looked like hanging out with my father, his wife and their two friends. Generally that would not be my choice but tonight, it was right. We played Crazy Train (a dominoes game that lasted 2 1/2 hours) and Phase 10 (a card game that lasted almost as long!) and laughed a lot. Our "dinner" was a buffet of finger foods and fruit salad. I had a great time, but got tired before the old folks! LOL

As I get ready to turn in for bed, I'd like to do some releasing through writing here. I had thought I would do some rituals tonight - to honor the turning of the year AND the blue moon (so cool that the blue moon landed on New Years Eve!!!) but when it came right down to it, I didn't have it in me to DO anything other than what I did. I did step out on the porch just after midnight to observe and honor the blue moon only to discover she was covered with misty clouds and was sporting a very large, visible, bright ring.

Ring around the moon. Trouble's brewing.

The statement was out of my mouth before I could stop myself. Immediately, I declared, "I believe the year to come will be trouble free!"

So in honor of the close of 2009, I am...

• Releasing the stories I have about how difficult this year has been.
• Forgiving the three women (ACG, AC, ST) for whom I've felt huge amounts of anger the last three months because I discovered they had, indeed, been lying to me and creating situations wherein I questioned and doubted myself.
• Releasing my stories about having no money, being unemployed and therefore picked on.
• Releasing any remaining ties to MTN in case there are any, although I believe they've been gone for most of this year.
• Releasing my debt and restructuring my finances.
• Feeling grateful for learning how it feels to trust myself.
• Releasing any remaining anger toward CEG and choosing to focus on love, forgiveness and hope.
• Remembering what it feels like when the Phoenix Rises and committing to doing it easefully from now on.
• Remembering that, this year, I learned I can come to and go from this planet almost at the drop of a hat and I'm choosing to stay.

For 2010, I am creating...

• Strength in myself.
• The ability to express myself in that moment, especially when something feels muddled to me.
• Ease and flow with money.
• More laughter.
• Confidence as I go forward with the knowledge I gained about myself, my calling and my gifts.
• Expansion with JenGie.
• Strength in my commitment to BEING FULLY ALIVE.
• Open space as I continue to do whatever it takes to clear anything in my path that is blocking me from being fully alive.

I'm realizing that I'm really tired and this process is not flowing as easefully as I hoped. Mostly because I'm dozing off as I try to type. So I'm going to leave it as it is and come back to it. Possibly tomorrow.

May the New Beginnings in the year ahead be easeful, fulfilling and full of passion. I look forward to all 2010 holds for me.

Seeing Through the Eyes of the Recently Dead

I died in October. I literally walked myself through the process of dying while being guided by my mentor to do so. We focused on death that weekend. And, I died.

Since then, the fog has lifted from my eyes. I'm beginning to see so clearly now and... WOW! I had no idea what I had been refusing to see before. No. Idea.

I'm just... wow... ye-eah... I'm blown away. My vision is painful and heartbreaking.

Let me be really clear here… I commit to being fully alive, to living in my love and to doing whatever it takes to accomplish that.

AND… what I’m discovering is…

For far too long, I've tricked myself into believing that others knew more or better than me.
I'm seeing that I've given away my power in such subtle ways that I had no idea I had done it.
I'm seeing that when I feel something and someone says it’s the opposite, I believe them instead of myself.
I'm seeing that I really DO know when something is off, but I've surrounded myself with people whom I thought I could trust so they are able to convince me otherwise and consistently prove to me that I don't know what I know or sense or feel.
I'm seeing that I'm far too willing to believe that "that feeling I feel” is just me “being silly” and that I can’t possibly be right because, of course, past proof shows that I’m wrong so just knock it off.

HOWEVER…

“That feeling I feel” is always right, no matter what anyone says.

I'm really angry at myself for selling myself out, far too often.
I’m really angry that I’ve given away my power.
I’m really angry I’ve loved and trusted people with the core of who I am, only to have the fog lift and realize that most of my doubt, confusion and “clipping of my wings” was coming from these very people.
I’m really angry that I’ve trusted, been vulnerable and have fully showed up and now I’m seeing the destruction that was visiting me while in that space.
I feel abused.
I feel angry!

I’m seeing that I’m the creator of my life.
I’m seeing this as an opportunity to get REALLY, REALLY clear about what is acceptable in my space and what is fucking not.
I’m seeing that I am brilliant and wise and I DO KNOW WHAT I KNOW.
I’m seeing that I’m not EVER going to allow another human being talk me into being less than who I am.

I made the commitment in 1998 that I would never deny my gifts and intuition again. I feel angry that I have subtly slid back into that pattern all in the guise of trusting those who I am discovering did not deserve it.

I’m appreciating that I’m getting the lesson this time.
I’m appreciating that my wings are spreading and there ain’t gonna be anything or anyone to fucking hold me down. EVER. AGAIN.

Yeah. I can see now. I can see really clearly. AND I’m grateful I can because I need to see to fly. Get out of my way.

Whatever It Takes!

I had no idea what would happen when I added THAT to my commitments!

I commit to getting my physical self healthy, whatever it takes.
I commit to going forward, whatever it takes.
I commit to my aliveness and living in love, whatever it takes.

WOW! Absolutely NO idea!

What has shown up is landing in the hospital, choosing to be alive and undergoing lots of testing to uncover what is at the core of my health and then to commit to going forward with a wellness plan with my doctors.

What has shown up is being unable to physically go forward in my car - the transmission died yesterday. The entire transmission needed to be replaced. First and second gears were stuck together, which resulted in being unable to get any momentum built. Once I got going, the transmission was stuck in 2nd gear so I couldn't transition to a faster pace because the engine would scream. It was an intriguing experience to be completely unable to go at the speed I needed/wanted to go. The metaphorical aspect of the experience really opened up lots of room for exploration and learning for me.

What has shown up is winding up at a car dealership, purchasing a BRAND NEW CAR - my 1st in 20 years - in a process that was unbelievably easeful, loving and gentle.



What has shown up is having my best friend commit to a HUGE commitment, rocking my world and waking me up to the knowledge that *I* AM ready, too, to take it on.

What has shown up is miracles and magic in every form, in every area of my life and support unlike anything I could have ever begun to dream up in the past.

I feel grateful to be playing SO BIG. I feel grateful that there are people willing to match the HUGENESS of my life - sometimes even BEFORE *I* realize how big I am. I feel grateful that I'm creating magic, ease and love wherever I go - even in the most surprising of situations - whatever it takes!

Completions!

Recently, I made a commitment to becoming masterful at completions. I am surprised at how easeful it is to get complete these days! I have a story that I'm still riding the wave of successfulness because I completed the book proposal AND sent it off. I am appreciating myself for doing that. I'm also appreciating that my "to do" board has only one item left on it and it is a FUN, CREATIVE project!

Yesterday I decided that, despite (or maybe because of) the fact that I still feel like poo, it was high time to tackle the petite guest bedroom in which I reside. My friend Cheryl, who is a professional organizer, (quell horror!) says, "Did you know that only 10% of people are naturally able to organize things in a logical and efficient way? " Given that I am one of those people, I tend to agree with her. However, when I get a bug to do something (ha ha! funny! get a bug? and I'm sick? Damn! I crack myself up!) I can get it done efficiently and I find some sense of excitment and enjoyment while I'm doing it. Mind you, that happens rarely so, when it does, I go with it. Yesterday was one of those days. I will be complete with the process of binding all my notes and writings and miscellaneous papers that I have had strewn about the place for quite some time prior to nightfall. At that point, the project of "attacking the room" will be wholly complete and I feel envigorated by that knowledge.

There is something amazingly powerful in the completion process. I am appreciating myself for taking this commitment on so completely and also for being observant of the process and resulting outcome, which is giving me cause to celebrate.

YAY ME!!!

Nuggets and Pieces

"The Missing Piece" - (c) Angie K. Millgate 2008

As I have ventured into this New Year, (What? Yes, I know we are only 2 days in, but every day counts in things like this!) I have discovered some new things about myself. Or, perhaps they are old things that I am just now recognizing or re-recognizing.

At any rate, I have discovered some interesting glitches in my system, hitches in my giddy-up. They came through in the form of questions I had arise during a conversation with one of my best friends, Karen, following a joint-venture New Year's Eve celebration that ended up being sqwonky and completely contrary to what either of us had wanted to create. They are things that I would like to acknowledge by writing out here for my hands, head, ears and eyes to experience. This is part of my process... writing it out so that the answers can come. In faith I do so now...

How is it that I can sit in a dangerous situation, knowing that it is so dangerous, and just sit there without moving? How can I be conscious that there is a figurative gun pointing at my head and, yet, I do nothing. It is not that I freeze. It's not that I faint. There is no fear response. There is simply... nothing. I can see and feel in the moment that what I am experiencing is not something I want to be experiencing - sometimes I am even forewarned that I am going into a situation that is "not good" for me and do it anyway then I sit there, feeling it all, seeing it all, hearing it all and do nothing. It is as though there is a delay programmed into the part of my brain that brings action. What is that about?

When I find myself in a space I judge as dangerous, how am I able to see the others there as different than me? This one pains me. I have a tendency to look at the situation and "them" and tell myself that I'm there by accident, but they meant to be there. In that moment, I forget that I am creating my life in a way that landed me in the same place as "them." We are all in the same place. I am there too. There is a line from the movie Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai that has been continually running through my brain as of late: "Wherever you go, there you are." So, I am showing up in literal and figurative places where I feel uncomfortable and I become unwilling to look at why *I* am there, but am fully willing to judge why the others are there. What is that about?

What am I so scared about that I am unable to look at myself? I hold to the fact that everyone with whom I am in relationship are a mirror of who I am - whether it's an intimate relationship, a friendship, a partnership, a family relationship, an electronic friendship or a passing acquaintance. Conveniently, when I end up in places that are uncomfortable for me and I look at the others with derision, I forget that "those people" are my mirror. I forget - nay, I refuse - to look at the fact that they are mirroring myself to me. In talking with Karen, I realized that there are some pretty ugly aspects of myself that I am unable to even peek at and so, I end up in places where it is right there, undeniably clear in my face for me to see. And, even then, I make it about "them." What is that about?

How is it that I experience something coming to me, getting excited about it, celebrate it and then it turns the opposite direction before it ever arrives? This is a recurring pattern in my life. I get told that I've been invited to join a club, get to try it out one time and then get told I'm "not a fit after all." Or, I get excited about working with a new client who is excited about working with me and then... they never show up. Or I start a new "job" with a friend whom I have known forever and then, on one uninformed misstep in the beginning, I'm fired. Or I try out for a team, make it all the way to final cut and then get cut because I'm not tall enough. Or I can see an excellent working opportunity coming toward me, I get excited about it, I open up my arms to receive it and... nothing. What is that about?

What is it that holds me back from speaking my truth? Time and again, over things big and small, in my relationship with Karen (and several other really close friends) I have had moments where I have held my tongue for one reason or another. At times, it has caused huge arguments. At others, it has caused confusion. And, at others, it has resulted in one or both of us missing out on an opportunity of which we both wanted to partake. I discovered through the New Year's debacle that, had I spoken the idea that I was discounting as unimportant and silly, we would have done that instead of what we ended up doing. So... if I have had proven to me time and again the power of speaking my truth at all times even when I judge it to be unimportant, silly or small, why do I still not do it?

What is it in me that causes me to hang on to relationships that no longer serve me? When someone has moved on, why do I still pine for that person? This is a l-o-n-g standing pattern of mine (I imagine all of them are, but I am most familiar with this one) and one which I am hoping to reprogram immediately. I am exhausted from playing in this playground all of my life. And there isn't anything else to say about this one. I imagine that, if you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you have already picked up on this lovely number. Soooo... what is it?

In my conversation with Karen, I commented that it felt like it was one nugget of something that I was missing or not recognizing or refusing to see. And that that one nugget ran through all of these aspects of myself and was also an aspect of my journey with my body image. It feels like it is one tangible piece of me that has been misplaced or strewn too far thin or cast over the cliff and that one piece is the piece I need to find to recognize and resolve these patterns of destruction. Soooooo... where is it?

I commit to being continually curious and open to finding this nugget in loving and easeful ways and then gratefully incorporating it into my wholeness.

Reflection and the Art of Moving Forward

"Reflecting Forward" -akm 1/1/09

I am choosing differently for my life in ways that are leading me to new horizons and yet, still, I sometimes find myself in places that I am questioning. (More on that later.) However, the fact that I am ending up in new places - and that, when I recognize a place as being an "old place," I am actually recognizing it - is a clear indication that my choices are having an effect on my life. In looking back over this past year, I can clearly see where I have created huge bends in my path, creating a beautiful pattern in a path that had once seemed so dull and lifeless.

A few days ago, one of my best friends, Jen (with whom I am creating JenGie Creations), sent me the following questions in an email which I have been pondering as I am reflecting on 2008, in preparation to go forward for 2009 ... (I have included a list of just the questions at the bottom of this post for you if you would like to play along. I would love to know if you did and what your responses were.)

* What did I gain/lose? I gained self-love, first and foremost. I gained beautiful, long-lasting friendships. I gained confidence and the ability to go forward in face of my fears. I gained knowledge of my calling here on Earth and began the process of fully stepping into that. I gained wisdom and clarity and peace. I lost some old patterns. I lost the ability to please others over - or instead of - myself. I lost the need to be liked by everyone. I lost a very dear friend.
* What did I start/stop? I started believing in me. I started dancing more. I started new art. I started wondering instead of fearing. I started living. I started creating. I started new businesses. I started expanding. I started releasing. I started cleansing. I started loving me. I started showing up fully, more completely and solidly as myself. I stopped wanting everyone to like me. I stopped wondering how to make everyone like me. I stopped doing stuff that I didn't want to do. I stopped making agreements to do stuff I couldn't possibly or didn't want to do. I stopped worrying about what everyone else was doing and focused on what I was doing.
* What did I buy that I really wanted / that I shouldn't have? Given my financial situation, there wasn't a lot of room for buying stuff I really wanted and, especially, for the stuff that I really shouldn't have. There was a period of time in October, where I was spending money I didn't have and I caught myself saying, "That was stupid of me." I rationalized it beautifully though. That big purchase was for the tools of my trade. Therefore, it will pay off in the end. Eh-hem.
* What thoughts am I thinking differently now compared to last year? This could be an endless list! I am able to think about myself as successful now and creative. I am thinking about how I can create, wondering what's next and exploring new ways. I think about my accomplishments and take moments to rejoice in my achievements. I think about the beauty I see in the mirror, even if it is only one small point of discovery. I think about how I am going forward, what I want to bring into the world, how I want to play.
* What was my biggest discovery about myself this year? I am the Sentinel and what that means to me, how I fulfill that calling and how I live that path.
* What made time fly the most when I did it this year? What was a waste of my time? Oh this one is easy. It is always in my creative genius that time flies - writing and art. I added to that list this year, photography and JenGie, both of which are creative projects. I waste the most time in front of the television when I am numbing out in fear. I am grateful to say that the television has not been that big of a distraction this year.
* Where was the most amazing place I went this year? The first answer shocked me: within. Okay. Wow. Ummmm... the "out in the world place" would be... Lava Hot Springs all three times, with the last time being the absolute best and most amazing experience of the year.
* Where do I never want to go again? To sleep in a domestic violence shelter.
* What truly satisfied me this year? Myself... from beginning to end. (Damn! That feels great to say. I thought when I wrote it that I would check in and hear myself scolding myself for being prideful. Granted, there was some of that talk, but I felt more grateful than anything.)
* What caused frustration or disappointment for me this year? The painful results (feeling violated and betrayed) of not getting the lesson that arose time and again this year: Listen to yourself, Angie. Don't sell yourself short. Stand in your truth and honor that. (That also happens to be one of my biggest learning curves.) Losing out on an entire month's pay because I didn't have my friend sign a contract. Getting kicked out of the girl's club before I was even really let in. Being with my best friend and having him totally not get me anymore and not clicking with him smoothly.
* What do I want to do better? Everything that I accomplished in 2008, I commit to continue to build on in 2009. I commit to completing the process for getting Above the Clouds published. I commit to showing my art more frequently. I commit to holding space for a love-relationship partner to show up. I commit to loving myself more by caring for my physical body more attentively.
* What was the best thing that someone did for me/that I did for someone else / that I did for myself? There were so many little things that were done for me this year that culminated in this being a beautiful year. I think the "thing" with the biggest outcome were the different people - both strangers and friends - who reflected to me the beauty within me. I made a mental commitment at the beginning of 2008 to create relationships that reflect the good (instead of only the bad, which had been my previous pattern). I had so many people that began interacting with me via email, comments and replies to my Meditations that reflected to me the ways I am beautifully rippling into the world. The greatest thing I did for someone else was... I showed up fully and completely for several people in my community at times when they needed the support the most. And for me? I recognized and appreciated and welcomed and absorbed the beautiful reflections. I allowed myself to show up in my genius and I opened space for discovery about what I am here to do.
* What didn't I do that I wanted to but will make a huge difference in the quality of my life when I do it next year? Release Above the Clouds into the world. Release JenGie Creations into the world.
* What do I want to recommit to? I recommit to completing the process for Above the Clouds. I recommit to being open to the next steps for JenGie and for the support team to show up to forward it into the world. I recommit to getting my own home and healing office space.
* What is my dream for 2009? I am easefully fluid with finances and all of my financial needs are met with an excess for investing. I am in my own home with two bedrooms, healing space/office, and herborium. I am moving forward with my photography and art with astounding ease, grace and financial abundance. I am in love! I am continuing to be in the right place at the right moment. I am creating strong, lifelong, co-creative, powerful friendships that are full of love and transparent honesty. I am confident and hopeful and laughing. I am a published author. I am the Sentinel. I am free!

Forward, I go!


* What did I gain/lose?
* What did I start/stop?
* What did I buy that I really wanted / that I shouldn't have?
* What thoughts am I thinking differently now compared to last year?
* What was my biggest discovery about myself this year?
* What made time fly the most when I did it this year? What was a waste of my time?
* Where was the most amazing place I went this year?
* Where do I never want to go again?
* What truly satisfied me this year?
* What caused frustration or disappointment for me this year?
* What do I want to do better?
* What was the best thing that someone did for me/that I did for someone else / that I did for myself?
* What didn't I do that I wanted to but will make a huge difference in the quality of my life when I do it next year?
* What do I want to recommit to?
* What is my dream for 2009?

Completions

On Tuesday night, we began a 3-week series in Life Skills called "Completions" in preparation for the New Year. The object is this: go into the New Year with a clean, clear slate. What a novel idea! It was tossed to us, if we were willing, to make a commitment to completions. I would venture to guess there was about 40-50 people in the room and the energy was enormous! So many people focusing on completing anything that may be left hanging open! It's exciting.

That night, I made a commitment, which I want to out here to the world:

I commit to becoming masterful at completions and to clearing anything that may be blocking my way from doing so in easeful, fun and loving ways.

The most interesting thing has happened since then... things are showing up to complete that I had no idea were even out there - things that were sparked in several other people in that room, who also committed to getting complete, which involved me. No idea!!! I feel excited that I am in commitment to complete. I am really excited that I have created a safe space wherein others can approach me in arenas that could be potentially scary for them to get complete with me. I am grateful that I have come that far in my progression that I am trusting myself to complete and, therefore, I am attracting in others who are wanting to get complete too and feel safe doing that with me now.

I love it when I can see the very visible effects of playing with the Universe in the creation of my life. I love that my request of the Universe at the beginning of the year, "I'm tired of creating relationships that reflect back only the 'bad' about me. I commit to creating relationships that reflect the 'good' about me," is showing up in full color! I love that I am a safe space for myself and others.

DAMN! I FEEL HAPPY AND JOYFUL AND FULL!

This is fuckin' awesome stuff, man!!!

Blessed be.

Spaciousness...

It is becoming more evident that I need a new space for my healing business. Like, NOW. I commit to finding a new space in which to move my healing business.

I recently sent out an email to loved ones, putting them on the look out for said space. I have reposted it here so that I could read thru it again (and all ya'all too, if you choose to.) The "cost" has been adjusted from the original email. I would LOVE your ideas, your support, your feedback, your help.

This space is:
Clean
Good size - at least 10' x 10'
Appealing to the eye
In a safe area
Available immediately
This space sounds:
Quiet
Soothing
Peaceful
This space smells:
Crisp
Clean
Holistic
This space feels:
Healthy
Calm
Sacred
This space:
Is so affordable that I am jumping for joy. I am trusting that the Universe will provide the space I need and the clientelle to bring in more than enough money to pay for it.

And, with baby steps, I commit to having more than zero dollars. (Thanks again, T, for that subtle languaging.)

Commit

On Saturday, in ALC, I asked for support, even though I was absolutely terrified to do so. In front of my friends - about 30 people in all there - I stood in my shit and owned where I am in my life. I am so ready to fly this year. I am so ready to step into my power and be who I am meant to be. I am scared because I have no idea, really, what that means or how it looks. I suspect it means completely severing ties from my former husband/current boss. And I feel sad about that. I have a story that he will feel rejected and abandoned - once again - by me. And while I know I have no control over him or his reactions or emotions - and that the story may simply be that, a story - I feel sad about what that will mean for both of us.

I have spent a lot of time focusing on the good in my job with him. I set my own hours. I go and come as I please. I answer to no one, other than him occasionally. I have my healing space right here in my office space so I am able to take clients throughout the day. I am able to blog and interact through several different e-technology avenues.

On one hand, he wants me to succeed and fly away from here. And, of course, his other hand wants to hold me here because he trusts me and I am a huge part of what he does with this business. And, for the most part, I truly do like it here. There are days that I feel angry and trapped here. There are days when I am subjected to his anger and his frustration about everything other than me. Because we are best friends, ex-spouses, ex-lovers, parenting partners, and sometimes even lovers, and because we have known one another for almost two decades, grown up together and have been witness to one another's development, there are all sorts of funky relationship boundaries that are crossed and uncrossed and confused at times.

Thing is... this is HIS dream. I love being a part of that and seeing him succeed in that. I love supporting him and giving to him to see that it flies. However, do I do that at the sacrafice of my own? I have. AND it is time to stop that now.

So I stood before my friends and implored them to get behind me and support MY dream. I CAN DO THIS! Prior to getting so deathly ill with the Nile, I had a small regular clientelle. They all went POOF! Now I am starting from scratch. Eight regular weekly clients is what I need to leave here. Eight.

Megan asked me, "Angie, are you willing to commit to leaving that place? I am not saying you HAVE to leave it or that you HAVE to leave tomorrow. I am asking you, are you willing to leave?"

I was surprised by the sudden rush of emotions and tears and inability to see straight. My stomach clenched and I felt so scared and sad. I breathed deep and nodded once, announcing, "I feel scared and I am willing to leave that place. I commit to be open to the possibilities of leaving that place. AND I feel scared."

BAM!!!

It was a sound I heard deep inside me somewhere and it echoed out into the Universe in rippling waves.

Come Monday, an email popped in my box from a regular client telling me she was sending me two new clients. This morning there was an email from a stranger who found me, I imagine, through my website. She wants an appointment, as well. Could it be this Saturday, PLEASE, she asked.

I feel excited AND scared AND happy all at once.

WOW! I am really doing this!

Disconnected Connection

Here I am, yet again, today. It has been a big day. Actually a big few days. When I am calling in my lessons, boy oh boy, do I call 'em in big!

So you may or may not have picked up on my running theme as of late... I am scared out of my mind and going forward anyway.

Yes, well. Apparently, I was not as conscious of my fears as I thought I was. E-hem.

In my post Feedback, which I wrote only yesterday, I spoke about how I had signed up a bunch of people to my Meditaton list without asking their permission. The kernel of truth in that experience is: I signed up a bunch of people without their permission. This resulted in some of those people feeling as though they had been violated. That, in turn, resulted in feedback - some of which was pleasant, some of which was far from pleasant.

In my post Pansies which was written just hours ago, I spoke about my experience with the long arm of the law. I know the kernel of truth about this situation and it will remain unwritten, although I have spoken it aloud for myself. The result of this situation was that I felt violated and abused. That, in turn, resulted in a dramatic turn of related and non-related events, most of which were as far from pleasant as they could be.

The link here is "violation."

Having just got off the phone from an-almost-hour-long conversation with one of my mentors from ALC, I have had the opportunity to get really clear about what I am creating for myself.

What is, is... I want to connect with people. What I fear is... they won't want to connect with me, they won't show up, they won't be present. When I choose to not feel that fear, I go unconscious. (right here I will interject that I am not consciously choosing to not feel the fear. It's a programed response, which I have discovered started around age 4.) When I am unconscious, (I am way aware right now that my jaw is clenched and I am really craving chocolate, craving to distraction; I am having difficulty breathing, my head is in a vice grip and my heart is racing) I violate other people's boundaries in an effort to make them like me. When I violate other people's boundaries they go away from me.

I long for connection. My results are disconnection. Shit...

My mentor invited me to take 100% responsibility for my stuff. I thought I had. Apparently not. She added clarification, "Take 100% responsibility for what happened back at age four."

WTF?!

"How do I take responsibility for something I did - what it was, I don't know - which got me in trouble back at age four?!"

"Good question!" I could hear the gentle smile in her voice and knew the answer was one worth listening closely to. "When you were four, something happened where you were scared, confused, uninformed, unincluded, lonely, sad and maybe a million other feelings. No one explained it to you. No one let you talk. You just had to sit there in that and feel it and it felt really, really yucky and really scary. In that moment, you decided I am not going to feel like this ever again. In that moment you created your Good Girl PansyAss persona in an attempt to ensure that you never felt like that again. As a back up, you developed your ARGH! persona that would rip off the head of those who did not cater to PansyAss."

(btw... I had no that I was walking out an unfamiliar persona when I actually called myself PansyAss today.)

"Okay. I understand all that."

"Taking responsibility for that situation sounds like this: at age four I chose to protect myself from feeling scared and lonely. Today I am 39 and I choose to feel those feelings now AND GO FORWARD FROM HERE."

Ah-ha!

Sooooooo... then I got really curious about what it is, exactly, that I have called into my life. I went back over some of my entries and WOW! Lookie at this!!!

From (ironically, enough) another post called Feedback, on 12/16/07:

...Listening to her, I found myself longing to feel that. I wanted to have someone in my life whom I could say my soul feels happy when I am around them. I became aware that, after almost 10 years post divorce, I am really ready to welcome in love...I stepped in front of the mirror tonight, before removing my makeup and taking down my hair. I studied myself closely and let it all sink in. I am ready!

From A Life Without Fear, also 0n 12/16/07

...apparently, my life is more full of fear than I previously cared to admit. I feel sad that I am holding myself back from my Self through this veil of fears... I have such a tight grip on myself, because of fear, that I am strangling my self. And, in the face of these fears, I go forward day in and day out...

From Imagery, on 12/21/07

...She had a message for me: You are on the path now. You have all you need within you. Your key is Gratitude. ...You travel forward, going step by step, in the direction you are guided. Allow your Soul to lead you. Allow the Universe to guide you. Your key is Joy. ...You are complete right here, right now. You live as you are meant to live. You do what you are meant to do. You BE who you are meant to be. They are waiting for you. Your key is Completion.

From What Was, What Is, What Will Be, on 12/31/07

...I am going forward. If it is merely one step forward, followed by another, I am going forward into tomorrow. And I will step forward into the new day and I will remember, soon, who I am, where I am going and why I am here. And I will take this year day by day, remembering that each step forward brings with it a new dawn. The sun unfailingly shines, breaking through any clouds. Each day it rises and hope shines anew... And, with it, I rise. I will rise to be who I am meant to be and I will believe with all the naivete of youth that this year will be the year. It is my year. It is my year to shine and be magical.

From Welcome!, on 1/1/08

...And, truthfully, I no longer am interested in wasting my life and even though I imagined
frittering away the day to avoid life, I rose from the bed to greet the day... And... going forward into 2008, I am stepping forward with one question, one statement and one reminder for myself:
Self, what is my divine purpose or my design today?
I live my life fully and experience all aspects of my Self, taking one hundred percent responsibility for who I am, what I do and how I communicate.
Life becomes lively when I participate instead of watch.

From Solitary Gratitude, on 1/3/08

...There, in the bathroom, alone and feeling grateful for the serenity, I realized, yet again, my profound need for that very thing - serene space. I realized, yet again, that this year is about creating that...

(I wasn't going to include this next one. However, as I was reading it, I thought, "Nah. That doesn't count as something I have set in motion." [This particular entry sparked an online family spat, which I am imagining is still lingering somewhere in the ethers, waiting to erupt in person.]As I was going on to the next entry, I began choking so violently that I peed myself. Oh. My. God. This one is big. So... I am putting it in.)

From Left Out, on 2/3/08

...I wasn't invited. This is a common occurence. What I don't understand is why I am still bothered by this, after all these years. But, I am...

From The In-Crowd, on 2/6/08

...These things are my noticings and I am wondering how I turn around this pattern of continually putting myself outside the circle. I am wondering how to become the person who gets invited, who people want to be with, maybe even long to be with. I am wondering how I find the natural knowing of when to stay, when to go, when to switch, when to stand still. I am wondering how to become open to self-awareness, ease and flow in every area of my life...

From Out of My Mind, on 2/15/08

...So, yes, I welcome the "scared out of my mind" way of being right now. It is a radically different approach from me that is keeping me solidly in my body, where I am present for every single decision that needs to be made. It also opens space for me to tap into my intuition. My brain is terrified. My body and intuition, however, are one hundred percent certain that I am doing the right thing and everything is going to be okay in the end. So, I commit to being scared out of my mind and going forward anyway...


Ummmmm... ye-eah. No wonder the lessons are getting big! I have called in some big shit. WOW! YAY ME????