Really Curious

Sooooo... I'm REALLY curious about something...

I have heard so often in my life about people who go to school full time to get their degree and don't work and they have all their expenses covered. In fact, I have several cousins who are now doctors who claim they were able to do that. How in THE hell do people do that??? I've gone back to school full time, starting this summer (crazy me! I started in the summer!) and I've filled out so many scholarship forms and financial aid forms and every possible form related to money that I feel like my hand is going to drop off. Thing is, though, while I did get some money from my Federal Financial Aid, it was, by no stretch of anyone's imagination, anywhere near enough to get "all my expenses covered."

A friend recently said to me, "I would think, for a single mother going back to school full time to earn a degree and increase her possibilities for the future, that there would be some sort of money plan to support her in that."

Yeah. I agree. But, I haven't found that plan. I don't even know if it exists. Does it?

And, a few weeks ago, an extended family member said, "I heard that Obama passed a bill that if you were going to school full time, you got full unemployment benefits for two years without having to look for a job."

Really?!

So I went on a search.

Nope! Not true.

So, my question to you is... do you know someone who is going to school full time and getting "all their expenses" covered? And, if you do, HOW ARE THEY DOING IT?!!!

It's About the Climb, Is it?

What a day this has been. Wow. Rollercoast ride of emotions, to say the least.

This morning was A-MAZING! I surprised myself with how well I held the space for that many people - 75 kids and 15 adults! WOW! After running that much energy, I was burning up. I thought, perhaps the kids would only last for 5 minutes on the meditation. We went about 25 minutes! And then I gave them time to share about their journeys. I had time to allow about 10 of them to share and was completely drop-jaw awed and inspired by their experiences. WOW! And the way they sunk into doing their art was unbelievably cool. I thought we'd take maybe 60-75 minutes to do the whole process. We were in there 90 minutes and some of the kids weren't even ready to call it quits at that point.

I'm in love with myself for being willing to step up and share this gift I have. I love myself for wondering if children this age would groove on it and then being willing to give it a go. I love myself for being open to the possibilities and the result is the teachers are in love with the experience, as are the children and we will be doing it more often - every Tuesday in my home room. That SO rocks!

I wish that was all there was to say about my day. And, maybe I could leave it at that. However, that wouldn't really explain the "rollercoaster" part of the opening of this post, now would it...

Ye-eah... that.

Sheesh.

I'm wondering how I'm going to pull out of this emotional tailspin that seems to be spiraling at a deadly rate toward hell in a flaming handbasket. (WOW! Okay... I'm going to take a moment here. I just pulled a huge Freudian slip and I need to look at it. I wrote "emotional tailspin." I meant "financial tailspin." Give me a moment please...................................)

Yeah. I get that this is hugely emotional for me. My money is flying out the window faster than it's coming in and I can't do anything about it. I have not enough money for what is due. I have barely enough to make my car payment, phone payment, gas, car insurance and a little food. I live with my father to cut expenses that way. And, oh goodness! Thank all that is holy for that blessing. Just thinking about where I'd be right now if I didn't have this room to sleep in puts me into a miserable, gelatinous puddle.

So, I go to speak with a bankruptcy attorney to see if there is any possibility of that helping me out. What do I discover? Fuck. I discover that I need $1149 to claim bankruptcy. WTF?!!! If I had that much money, I'd pay off my creditors!!! What the hell?! And then, if I do pull that money out of my butt and want to keep my car, I need to requalify with the lendor, sign a new agreement and prove that I can make the car payments. Well, hell. How do I prove that? Given that I have no job, no job prospects and my unemployment benefits dry up at the end of February, how the hell will I pay that bill? And the courts will not grant the reaffirmation on the loan unless my attorney will sign off on my ability to pay the loan payment and my attorney won't sign off on that unless, of course, I can. So, yeah. I got nothin'.

I am so scared and sad. I cried all the way home and feel horrible because my 12 year old daughter witnessed it all and that ain't nothing a little girl should have to carry. My stress is becoming her stress and that ain't right. I feel worthless and hopeless and helpless and so very sad. I'm trying to have faith. I believe and have faith that something is going to change, something is going to give, something is going to happen to turn this all around. I'm having faith and, yet, I feel dangerously close to losing faith.

It feels like I'm standing in this vast open space of nothingness but there are no options. How is that even possible?

As I drove home, one of my favorite songs came on, The Climb, and I burst into tears as the lyrics floated through my mind and out my mouth. Eventually, I had to stop singing because I was gagging on my tears...

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

So, the song tells me to keep the faith. I'm afraid I'm forgetting how to do that...

Is This For Real?

I'm at the end of the first Monday of 2010 and looking forward to tomorrow's adventures. I have the opportunity to co-op the Open Classroom on Tuesday mornings and all day on Thursdays. I LOVE IT! I get to teach children. Teaching is my passion. On Tuesdays, I get to be with the kindergarteners. What a joy! And tomorrow I'm excited for the adventure of leading all three kindergarten classes - about 75 children - in Meditative Art Therapy... an hour of movement, meditation and individual creative artistic expression through drawing, painting or sculpting. I'm excited to see how it turns out. I'll keep you updated...

And... onto other less exciting things... tomorrow I'm visiting a bankruptcy attorney. I cry just writing that. My unemployment benefits are running out. The state has denied my request for food benefits because, apparently, with my unemployment benefits I earn too much money. How is that possible when I cannot afford to pay my bills? How can I be bringing in too much money? My benefits are 2/3 of what I was bringing home when I was employed. I was able to cover all of my bills prior to losing my job in September. I was even on a pay down plan and was making quite a lot of headway. But... that was then. This is now. Along the way, I have used all of my savings to make sure that all of my bills stayed current. Those accounts drained out in November. And now, apparently, I make too much money.

*sigh*

I feel ashamed and guilty that I'm even looking at bankruptcy. Originally, I created this debt - although it has grown remarkably large with fees and such - so I feel like a schmuck for even looking at this. I feel dirty and cheap and... white-trashy. Ugh.

Here's where I am with it... I have five different creditors calling me every hour. If I had a dollar for every call I get from each creditor, I could pay each of the minimum payments! And, sorrowfully, the answer is the same for each of them... there is no money. I cannot give you what I do not have. And then I hang up - or avoid answering all together - and I cry. I've been crying a lot lately. Lots and lots of tears.

So, I really look forward to hanging out with five year olds tomorrow. Life is beautiful and gentle in their presence. So much more delightful than hanging out with creditors, to say the least...

Welcoming 2010

The New Year has rolled in. Outside my window, somewhere nearby, someone is setting off fireworks. I love the crash-bang-explosion of fireworks, especially the ones that are loud enough to make my toes curl. These are not that loud, but I love them nonetheless.

Tonight I set the intention to do only what felt delicious to me. I surprised myself by deciding that delicious felt and looked like hanging out with my father, his wife and their two friends. Generally that would not be my choice but tonight, it was right. We played Crazy Train (a dominoes game that lasted 2 1/2 hours) and Phase 10 (a card game that lasted almost as long!) and laughed a lot. Our "dinner" was a buffet of finger foods and fruit salad. I had a great time, but got tired before the old folks! LOL

As I get ready to turn in for bed, I'd like to do some releasing through writing here. I had thought I would do some rituals tonight - to honor the turning of the year AND the blue moon (so cool that the blue moon landed on New Years Eve!!!) but when it came right down to it, I didn't have it in me to DO anything other than what I did. I did step out on the porch just after midnight to observe and honor the blue moon only to discover she was covered with misty clouds and was sporting a very large, visible, bright ring.

Ring around the moon. Trouble's brewing.

The statement was out of my mouth before I could stop myself. Immediately, I declared, "I believe the year to come will be trouble free!"

So in honor of the close of 2009, I am...

• Releasing the stories I have about how difficult this year has been.
• Forgiving the three women (ACG, AC, ST) for whom I've felt huge amounts of anger the last three months because I discovered they had, indeed, been lying to me and creating situations wherein I questioned and doubted myself.
• Releasing my stories about having no money, being unemployed and therefore picked on.
• Releasing any remaining ties to MTN in case there are any, although I believe they've been gone for most of this year.
• Releasing my debt and restructuring my finances.
• Feeling grateful for learning how it feels to trust myself.
• Releasing any remaining anger toward CEG and choosing to focus on love, forgiveness and hope.
• Remembering what it feels like when the Phoenix Rises and committing to doing it easefully from now on.
• Remembering that, this year, I learned I can come to and go from this planet almost at the drop of a hat and I'm choosing to stay.

For 2010, I am creating...

• Strength in myself.
• The ability to express myself in that moment, especially when something feels muddled to me.
• Ease and flow with money.
• More laughter.
• Confidence as I go forward with the knowledge I gained about myself, my calling and my gifts.
• Expansion with JenGie.
• Strength in my commitment to BEING FULLY ALIVE.
• Open space as I continue to do whatever it takes to clear anything in my path that is blocking me from being fully alive.

I'm realizing that I'm really tired and this process is not flowing as easefully as I hoped. Mostly because I'm dozing off as I try to type. So I'm going to leave it as it is and come back to it. Possibly tomorrow.

May the New Beginnings in the year ahead be easeful, fulfilling and full of passion. I look forward to all 2010 holds for me.

Aquarian Age Money

WOW!

This week has been a HUGE opening for me in my money beliefs. Starting on Sunday in a session with my astrologer who, in the middle of the session, mentioned a money-creating opportunity with which he has recently become involved. It is the same one that has entered my realm three times now. And then Monday with my session with Nat, then having my father sit me down Monday night and say he wants to help me LEARN about how to make money work for me and then Tuesday in the ALC Money Circle and then having an amazing session with Megan on Thursday and then receiving a call from Nat with an opportunity that has the potential to transform my life.

WOW!

It seems like my life is going so fast that each day is a decade worth of experiences!

For the first time EVER, I feel excited about CREATING money. I actually can feel in my body the growing ability to be a steward for money in astronomical proportions. I feel excited when I think about what I can create with the money that is coming toward me and how I will be of service to myself and others.

While I've been playing the Prosperity Game, I have had AMAZING shifts around my beliefs with money. I've had direct experiences of what my stories are and it has been in my face on a daily basis, then playing out BIG in the world in front of me. I've discovered that having a focus point makes all the difference in my world. Whenever anyone has asked me, "Angie, what do you want?" I've had the deer in headlights sort of experience. AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa... In the game, I've been great if I was working toward a goal like purchasing and paying off a sizeable home in twelve days. Or investing in Phoenix Landing. However, the days I log in AFTER I've completed a huge goal the day before, I have limitless options of creation with the money coming toward me. It is on those days that I experience the most resistance and fear.

My daughter is also playing the game. She felt so excited when I started talking about it with her and my mom. The night I set up her account, she played three rounds getting more and more excited. It was amazing to watch! The coolest thing is she has no concept of "cost" of anything so, in her world, she was able to make up her own rules! I want a year's supply of cat food and litter... fifty bucks.

Then she said, "Momma, can I do something like creating a lifetime supply of Jamba Juice?"

"Of course, honey! This is your world."

She had $400 left to spend in that round. She put down a lifetime supply of Jamba Juice... hundred bucks.

Me, being the "good mother" that I am, decided to impart wisdom and present "reality" to her. *gasp* "Honey, how much does a Jamba cost you each time you buy one?"

"Five bucks."

"So how many Jamba's would a hundred dollars get you?"

She did the math in her head, "Twenty? Well... that SUCKS! Fine! This is MY game," she said as she was forcefully hitting the backspace key. "This is what I REALLY want!"

She wrote a lifetime supply of Jamba Juice... FREE!

WOW!!!

Money!

Do you know that I have money in my bra? :) I have a $5 bill on each side. Each of these bills have been given to me "just because" or as "an extra" not for payment of services rendered or because I've earned it.

Each morning I put the money in my bra and I say this little spell in three rounds...
I place this money
Next to my skin
To invoke the universal law of attraction
To me here in
To remember I'm in Universal
Creative Flow
That I am clear on my yes's
And clear on my no's

Then, I get really curious about how the money is going to show up. It's really fun and surprising!

This week, it has shown up in TWO FREE MEALS and a FREE 20 oz MOCHA from my different, random "member" cards. YAY!

A Letter...

Megan...

Driving along this morning, I drove past several homes for sale. I had a flashback moment (sorta strange while driving!) that took me back to the first house C and I purchased. It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. So unloved, uncared for and miserable. It sorta matched where I was in my life, where WE were in our marriage. He had grand plans for the house. I didn't want it. I never wanted it. I felt like white trash when I would pull into the driveway and look at the unkempt yard and the weeds everywhere that were beyond my ability to control. Every living thing I planted in the area I had cleared for flowers was choked out. I was so, so sad there. I hated it. I hated my life.

As I thought about this house, I thought about how ugly it was. I thought about the violence that occured there and all the dreams that never materialized. I remembered, for some reason, the carpet. It was the most hideous grey textured stuff through the whole house that was stained and disgusting. No amount of my continual vaccuuming resolved the issues. Eventually, I gave up even trying. He and I had picked out a beautiful, yet inexpensive, navy blue plush carpet that was going to replace the nightmare that adorned the floors there. That never happened. The fixed dishwasher never happened. The replaced tile never happened. The fixed bathroom never happened. Nothing ever happened there except for, one night, by some miracle, Kait was conceived.

I felt sad as I thought about this house and, especially that carpet. I heard his father saying to him while I was in another room, "Your wife has champagne taste on a beer budget." I wondered about that then. I still do. I never wanted the horrible house and it looked far from "champagne taste" but his father seemed to see that in the house, in me.

As I remembered that, with tears in my eyes this morning, it dawned on me. I have a belief running that "he" will provide for me - my dad, my boyfriends, my husbands. Somehow, I never equated the "he" to God, but I think that's what they kept trying to teach me in church. At any rate, "he" is supposed to keep me safe. "He's" supposed to house me, clothe me and feed me. "He's" supposed to provide for me.

However, what has happened in my life is that "he" has left me. Every one of them have left me. Left me to figure it out on my own and I just don't know how. I'm sitting here at my desk in the office of my ex-husband wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to do! I don't understand and I don't know how. I'm inadequate and uneducated in the realms of providing for myself and MAKING THIS FUCKING LIFE WORK. I don't know how to do it and what has evolved is that I have landed myself back at my dad's house and in employment for C and... neither of them are really "providing for me". I appreciate that I have a safe place to sleep. I appreciate that I, somewhat, have a job. Everything though feels strangely empty.

Megan, I don't know what to do with this. I don't know how to provide for me and I'm tired of waiting for someone to do it for me. Cuz, I get the point... NO ONE can provide for me. I must do that myself, for myself.

Help.

-Angie

In This Moment...

I have mentioned before that my journey for the last 3 1/2 months has really been about staying in the moment. I have noticed that any time I begin to wonder how I am going to pay the next outstanding bill, I go into huge fear. Each time that has happened, one of my friends has shown up and has said something along the lines of, "Are you okay right now?" There is a lot to be said for the policy of staying in the here and now.

However...

The truth of the matter is, I have been giving it a go at being self-employed for almost four months now and, during that time, the money has generally not flowed inward. I was able to float for the first two months because I had two full paychecks when I left and talked with all of my creditors about deferring payments. They all gave me a 60-day grace period so it turned out beautifully. And then I did the whole fiasco of working with a client without a contract, put in all that time and didn't end up getting paid one dime. Ugh... that one still hurts.

I recently asked one of my friends, "Is it truly possible to live in my genius and get paid for doing so? Because, so far, I'm only seeing that I finagled my way through the first two months and nothing different has shown up since then."

I feel scared about that. I have moments when I have felt really magical and money has shown up in those moments. But the moments are brief and far between. I have moments when I look at my checking account and feel grateful that not even once have I gone into overdraft. Then there are days (like today) when I look at my checking account feel stark terror because the next bill that is coming out (tomorrow) far exceeds the amount in the account and, as far as I know right now, there is no money coming in.

I really wanted this to work out for me. I held space for the magic to happen and I stayed in the moment. I recognized my fears. I gave them expression. And... well... damn. I can't pay my bills now. It just seems... wrong.

*sigh*

(See! Told you the perennial peppiness would soon die off! Ugh!)

A Tradition

A few months ago, a dear friend of mine, Karen, came to visit me. In her hands, she held money from her and her partner to pay me for services rendered. Then, with a Chesire grin, she pulled from her bra a neatly folded $5 bill. Warm from her skin and smelling of the essential oils she rubs into her glorious, velvety skin, she said, "And this is for you. To spend on something fun. Not bills." Given that she was pretty much in the same dry desert I was in when it came to most things financial, I was deeply touched. I placed it in my bra and there it has stayed.

A few months later, she handed me another $5 bill. It was a refund of my deposit on containers after I purchased some of her FAB-U-LOUS vegan ice cream. It was folded just as neatly as the other one, but she pulled it from her pocket. I laughed and said, "Hey! The last five dollars you gave me came out of your bra!"

She promptly stuffed the bill into her bra and rubbed it luxuriously against her skin for a moment before handing it to me with a grin. "There you have it, then!"

I immediately put the bill in my other bra cup, feeling balanced at last.

Those two $5 bills have been in my bra every day since she gave them to me. It's a sort of comforting feeling. The other morning, I had an idea... what if I did a sort of money spell when I put these in my bra each day???

So, I concocted my own spell

I place this money
Next to my skin
To invoke the Universal Law
Of Attraction to me Herein
To remember I'm in Financial Abundance
And live in Creative Flow
That I am clear on my Yes-es
And clear on my No-s
As I repeat it three times, I focus on the money and really feel it in its place. Since I have started doing this little ritual, every day money has shown up for me in interesting and unexpected ways. I have received gifts. I have been gifted meals. I have been paid for services I had not expected payment for. I have received tips. I have been handed cash. I have been gifted sessions with my mentors. Absolutely amazing. It has been stretching me to open up to receive and welcome in abundance in fun and easeful ways and I feel myself becoming more excited as I get ready to practice my little ritual, wondering how the magic will show up that day.

Naming My Price

Many, many years ago, I worked for a group of doctors on the executive end of operations. I was personal assistant to the CEO and the CFO, as well as the Executive Chairman of the Board. It was an intense job, working with so many Gods all at once. In addition, the bulk of them were radiologists. Radiologists are a unique breed. Most of them chose their specialities specifically because it did NOT require them to have any sort of bedside manner. Thus, their PR skills sucked.

At any rate, that is not the point of my post today. It was merely fluff to entertain you. Are you entertained?

I am.

Okay... so while I worked for this group, before the smaller group joined a larger group of doctors and we went from being a mom-n-pop organization to a mammoth group akin to horrific corporate America, they hired a director who was a bitch from hell. In one month flat, she came in and the entire morale of the company tanked to painfully low levels. It was as if the light of the whole place had been sucked out and we were just one big, energy-draining, life-zapping black hole.

During this painful period, I felt myself wallowing in the dark and watching the Administrator - who was a woman whom I had come to love dearly - crash to depths of self beat-up unlike anything I could have imagined with her, all due to the presence of the Amazing Director. The doctors loved the beast of a woman and they willingly kissed her ass, all the while she was pridefully dismantling their entire organization behind their backs.

One day the Administrator and I were going through information regarding retirement. The doctors wanted a new plan and had assigned us the task of researching it. In the process of researching, I came across an ad that had a picture of a lake in autumn with a small row boat anchored to a cozy pier. The caption read...

How Much is Your Peace of Mind Worth?

With tears in my eyes, I cut it out and posted it where I could see it every day. I knew, already, that I was on my way out of there although it would take me about 18 more months to make the leap.

For over three months now, I have been making a go at being self-employed. It has been a moment to moment thing for me wherein I have reminded myself: In this moment I am safe. In this moment, everything I need is taken care of. In this moment, I have enough money. I would talk to myself like this literally each and every moment in the beginning.

The money flow has virtually stopped coming in. I am curious about that and wondering if I am hindering myself. Now I am facing the possibility of going back to work for someone else. I am terrified by the prospect, wondering if I will be able to pull it off - especially since I have had the taste of living in my genius. I am wondering if I will be able to still do all that I am doing, be all that I am being AND do a job.

In a business meeting the other night, the marketing pro I was interviewing to be a part of my near-future business venture said to me, "It's a proven fact that most people fail because they just give up too early." And so I am wondering... is me taking on a job giving up too early?

I am looking at my options. What do I want to create? How do I want it to look? How do I want to feel? How do I want the universe to support me? How do I want the money to come in? What amount of money do I want to create? I feel like I am in a different space now, when it comes to finding and taking a job. I feel more empowered and I now know in my body just how much my peace of mind is worth.

It's priceless.

Rich?

I have read the book Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki before at the behest of Mr. Millionaire. When I read it before, I read all the way to Chapter Nine: "Getting Started." It was there that I stopped. I was good with the reading, the thinking and the feeling. But the doing? Uh-uh. No way.

Well, for some reason, I picked up this book again. Perhaps it is because my library is very limited here in my petite guest room. In fact, I was actually surprised to see this book in my basket of books. I don't remember selecting it to go with us. But, there it was and I needed a book to read with my daughter, so I grabbed it.

My daughter is enjoying the story. It actually is a fun read, very personal and down to earth - easy enough for a ten year old to understand so far. She loved the part about the nine year olds that decided to make money.

The section we just finished last night was difficult for me to read, though, especially with where I am in my life right now. He spoke about fear in relation to money and how so many people give in to that fear and live their life safely, without risks, especially financially. I could relate all too well.

Something has changed for me, though. When I read this book the first time, I was simply curious. This time, I feel excited and eager. And I surprised myself with my answer when I read Rich Dad's question: "...I just wanted to find out if you still have the passion to learn about money. Most people don't. They want to go to school, learn a profession, have fun at their work and earn lots of money. One day they wake up with big money problems and then they can't stop working. That's the price of only knowing how to work for money instead of studying how to have money work for you. So do you still have the passion to learn?"

It is a resounding yes. TEACH ME!

Little Ideas

I love it when a little idea I have in the middle of the night turns out to be THE something that is taking off like crazy... I love it when it is going to turn out to be one of the easiest, funnest ways to make money doing something I love.

I love that!

That is all.

A Plan

There is a concrete plan for acquiring my own place now. I am no longer as afraid as I was yesterday because it seems do-able, less huge and closer to possible/probable than anything I have pondered.

My former husband and his wife closed on their house yesterday and are moving this weekend. She is ecstatic because she will have a bathtub, finally, and a bathroom to call all her own. We women seem to be so easily pleased ("seem" being the operative word there). He approached me last night with some ideas that took my breath away. I was surprised to witness the intensity in which all my old patterns flew to the surface and fought for the right to overrule. Here are some of the things I noticed in myself:

He is trying to get something over me. This is a trap of some sort.

I can't do this. I'm not ever going to be able to do this.

How come everyone else gets to have their dream houses and I get to settle for a petite guest room in my father's house?

I don't understand what he is saying. I don't understand money. I never understand money. I'm never going to understand money.

OMG!

ENOUGH ALREADY, ANGIE!!!!

It was when I thought that that I broke through. I started doing reflective listening... "Okay, so let me see if I understand what you are saying. You are going to upgrade the upstairs of the house and put it on the market then. At that point, you will offer it to me to purchase at cost to get your investment partner bought out. I will qualify for the original loan on the house as it is, which will get my feet, at least, into the housing market. You are willing to forfeit your equity to keep the loan affordable for me. Then, I will be in a house in about 60-90 days that is completed upstairs and unfinished downstairs."

Once I started actually participating in the conversation, talking with him instead of staring straight ahead like a deer caught in headlights and absorbing absolutely nothing, I actually understood what the hell he was talking about. Once I became willing to think that, perhaps, I could just - maybe - understand all this money talk, I actually did start to understand all this money talk. Once I started breathing and moving and being open to the possibility that what he was presenting me was actually a step in the right direction for me, rather than an opportunity for him to kick my ass, I actually began to see that it is a step in the right direction.

For the seventeen years that I have known this man, he has always, WITHOUT FAIL, done everything in his power to make things right financially for me. He has always gone above and beyond to make sure I am taken care of. Even now that we are divorced (and have been for ten years) he is still willing to do that. He has always done right by me financially. He may have left me wanting in other realms, but I have never second-guessed him when it comes to money.

When I reminded myself of that, it changed the way I was listening.

I am continually surprised by how my fear, and old programs around fear, get in the way of my progress. It is difficult to get forward movement when your feet are hobbled with chains of what once was - or never was - or was perceived to be.

I have had an amazing life! And, truly, this fear thing stumps me because I have never really had any reason to fear. It just seems that I just DO fear. Even in the worst times of my marriage, when I was bruised and broken - physically and emotionally - I knew down to the very depths of who I am that I was safe. In the weirdest way, I have always known I am safe....

Hmmmmm... I have always known I am safe... WOW! I had no idea!

I love this blogging thing. Thanks for listening.

And now, I am excited! I am on my way to a place of my own!!!

committING, committED, COMMIT

Dear MegaBeth~

After much thought, meditation and visualization regarding what to do next with ALC, I have come to a decision. Even without reading the documentation you two have prepared! :)

I feel really strongly that I must continue on with ALC, if you will have me. I am interested in the Street Creds as a Life Coach, as well as the business building ideas that you spoke of at graduation. I am also interested in completion of the full cycle. I felt a little half-baked after last year's course, mostly because I personally went in a bit skeewompas to begin with. I have a much clearer understanding of what to expect from the course AND myself this year, which will be beneficial.

The money is the one stitch for me. Honestly, I am scared about that commitment. I *have* to get a place of my own this year and that will require lots of money, as well. AND I am willing to be open to my money situation looking/feeling/being different. I am wondering about how I can do ALC AND get my home, easefully and with laughter.

I imagine that you two are a bit leery to go into another money agreement with me. I, too, am nervous. I went in last year with the best intentions (although completely unconscious and unaware of where I was financially) and I tanked big time. I commit to playing full out where ALC is concerned and where my money is concerned. I commit to staying conscious where my money is concerned, as well. Good news is, I know EXACTLY where I am financially right now. And, while it is not as pretty as I had hoped it would be by now, I DO know where I am. And I do know that, given where I am at this very exact moment, I can financially afford to do ALC this year.

I want you to know how much I value what I have learned at your feet. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow and play with the two of you. And I feel it is important to say that this is no light commitment I am making, financially. It is important to me to complete ALC AND it is important that I move forward financially AND I am open to my money situation being so much better by year end AND having a home to call my own ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I would appreciate your support, as well as ALC's, in helping me to achieve this great undertaking!

I love you guys and feel blessed to have you in my life. Let me know if this is all acceptable with the two of you.

With love,
Angie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That is a letter I posted to my mentors last night - feeling excited and scared and happy all at the same time. I am excited for this adventure! I commit to playing full out and being open to changing my relationship with money exponentially.

And, as a reminder for myself...

I am here to lead with love

through my Creative Expression,

Divine Vision, Accepting Heart

and by BEING Love!

Morning Bumblings

CRASH! SLAM! CRASH!

It was 3:37 am and apparently the rhinoceros had escaped from the zoo only to find himself trapped in the master suite on the other side of my wall. My eyes flew opened and I felt disoriented for a moment. Then (please note the time) I heard my father's wife yell at the top of her lungs, "Honey! Open your eyes!"

As much as I had forgotten that I was sleeping here, apparently they had as well.

Almost two hours later, I was still lying here in bed, eyes so wide open my eyeballs felt brittle. I thought I would make the most of my time and see if I could turn around my quickly-tanking attitude. It is now 5:24 am and she is talking loud enough that I can hear her voice bouncing around the room and rattling in my head. It's loud, really loud, but muffled so all I hear is a grating female voice wah-wah-wahing like Charlie Brown's teacher at a level that is much louder than should be used when there is another person still sleeping in your house for at least another hour. If they were able to sleep.

Ten days of relaxation have been zapped by an incoherent conversation with my mother last night wherein I ended up feeling manipulated and a woman yelling at a bull in a china closet this morning. Apparently, my calm state of mind is so fragile that it is sent tilting all askew too easily. I feel angry about this.

Yesterday I discovered that my former husband and his wife are buying a home. They close on it in approximately two weeks. They need a home given the fact that they have three children full time and my daughter part time. Six people in a one bedroom, one bath home! The children live, eat, sleep and play in the living room, dining room area. The adults live, eat, sleep and coexist in their bed. It's time they got a bigger place. I am excited for them. (oh my god! what in the hell is she doing out there????! A pots and pans drumline does not a soothing wake up call make!) So, they will be moving in a few weeks. I am thinking it will be a good thing. Literally living on top of one another has got to be difficult. (note to self... reread last line.)

As he was telling me about their upcoming adventure, he threw a proposal into my atmosphere. "I am thinking of buying the old house from Paul, redoing it, finishing the basement and turning it over to you. Would you be interested?" One thing I know to the bottom of who I am is that when it comes to construction, he is nothing short of perfection. The house will be amazing.

I heard an ancient sigh and wondered from whence it came. Oh. It was me, deep down inside. It was me. I have loved this little home since he first moved there. It's a bungalow cottage with hardwood floors. Were I to live there, it would have flowing white curtains. Instantly, I wanted to close my eyes and relish the thought of my own little house. I require nothing grandiose. I just need my own space. And I need it sooner rather than later.

The smile that started at my toes was unstoppable. I harnessed her, though, because there are a few squeaky hinges to be addressed before the deal with the cottage begins to roll forth. Guardedly excited is the stance I have chosen to take while I keep my smile strong inside and hold space for this to happen.

I lived in my parents' home for 23 years, with my husband for 6 years, in my father's home for 2 years, in appartments for 7 years and now, in limbo, for three months. It is as though I have spent my life up until 12/24/07 living under, over, and surrounded by noise and then, all of a sudden, I was cast into warm, silent, bouyant fluff. At my brother's, I found my authentic pace and I thrived in that environment. After spending those days of serene solitude at my brother's retreat home, this morning's rude awakening was even more starkly rude.

I understand that I make of my environment what it is and I realize that I am living where I am out of the goodness of my father's heart. I realize that this space is temporary and for my ultimate benefit. I understand that, as much as I feel my space is being invaded, they probably feel that to a greater degree.

Prior to Christmas, I had thought that a house was simply a want for me. I thought I was piping dreams of fanciful wishes that looked like a house. I thought I was being spoiled and dreaming of wine when all I could afford was... well... water and I kept thinking about the old adages of... home is where the heart is and a house does not make a home and a home is not a building. Then I would remind myself that there are others who live in cardboard shacks, if anything at all. I would look at my finances and keep pushing the "move out of dad's" date further and further into the future. I thought I was going to be able to stretch it out to the end of 2008 before I leapt again.

I could have never guessed what would be unleashed by going to my brother's place. Upon the very first moment I stepped in there, though, something started shifting in me. I realized how noisy and cluttered and peopled my entire life had been. I realized that there had never been a place for me. Granted, as a teen I had my own bedroom, isolated in the basement, away from everyone but, literally, underneath everyone's feet. I have also always had a place to live, but nothing has been mine.

This driving need to be home is fueling my body now. That which I thought was merely a want is most definitely a need. I got clear that I require my own house. I don't care if I rent it or if I own it, (although, Mr. Millionaire would remind me that it is always wiser to own than to rent) I just must have a house. It is a necessity.

I feel scared about that because I have a story it means that it will look like having no money. Which, is really silly because that will be nothing new. By my own doing, I already don't have any money (okay, that isn't exactly true right now because I have my Christmas bonus in savings (while I am in overdraft in my checking account, go figure!)) but, at least, if I had a house I would have no money AND my own place.

And now it is time to begin getting ready for the day. I can hear them putting on their coats and shuffling toward the door. (I have not holed up in my room to avoid them. Really, I haven't!) This ended up being a lot longer than I had originally planned. I had hoped to get some exercise time in, but wrote for too long and now there is not enough time to cram it in and still get to work on time. Hmmmmm... something else for me to ponder today!

Richie Richerson

I have decided that my ultimate definition of someone who is stinkin' rich is someone who can take a nap during the middle of the day. Just simply lay down, snuggle into the down comforter, close their eyes and... sleep... in the middle of the day.

I realized that yesterday when I snuggled into bed beside my daughter at 1:00 in the afternoon. I smiled at her, her big blue eyes staring at me over the bed covers. I felt giggly and decadent and spoiled. In that moment, I knew that this is what I will do when I achieve monetary riches. I will sleep in the afternoon, as often as I choose.

I am intending for that to begin in 2008.

Magical Manifestations

I want to share some magical things with you...

At the party Saturday night, a friend shared with me the nightly affirmation that she had gained recently in the Money Telecourse she had been taking. I decided to try it on for size. It goes like this: "Tomorrow I am delightfully surprised by unexpected money and easeful new business."

I did that Saturday night. On Sunday, I was treated to a free, previously unplanned, dinner at an amazing restaurant.

I did the mantra on Sunday night. On Monday, a dear friend trusted me with his emotional meltdown and I was able to, with my gifts, help him through the darkness and out into the light. On this day, I also found out that I owe less than I thought on two of my credit cards.

I did the mantra on Monday night. On Tuesday, my boss gave me the documentation for cutting the bonus checks. He is giving me $1500 as a bonus - totally unexpected. The knowledge arrived on Tuesday. The check will be in my hands on Thursday. I paid of a "Check City" loan on Tuesday night and had to pay less than I thought I would have to pay.

I did the mantra last night. Today, out of the blue, my Millionaire Money Man called me and asked if I had an opening around lunchtime for a client. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do! Viola! He showed up at 12:30. We had an amazing session wherein he said, "Ya know, you are the only one in the world I talk to like this." I felt blessed. And THEN when it came time to pay, I asked him if he wanted to just take it off the loan he had given me a few months ago. His answer: "Actually, I want you to not pay me for January." Okay... so that is $150 that he just waived. I just stared at him. He laughed and said, "Yes. That is my gift to you. Merry Christmas." I blinked. And then he said, "Then take today's session off of February's payment."

WOW!

Deflated

I imagine ya'all have seen them. Those big inflatable yard decorations that start making their appearances come Halloween and proliferate yards all across the land for Christmas. I think they are a hideous misuse of money and an overt display that people are idiots.

The neighborhood in which I now live has house after house of these idiots. Driving to my father's place, up the long and seemingly endless row of houses that look so much like the next, I get my fill of these inflatable yard decorations. It is as if each neighbor is competing with the next, culminating with the guy on the corner whose house looks like Chevy Chase's in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and is home to thirteen inflatable yard decorations.

I am amazed - or perhaps, appalled - by the excess displayed in this neighborhood. I was struck by it the first time I drove through it, which happened to be a hot day in the summer when the men were out in their front yards washing one of the many vehicles or RV's or SUV's that were parked in the garage, the driveway, the parking strip along the side of the house and on the street. Every house has at least two cars, one truck and either a boat or a motorhome. And, oddly enough, none of the rec vehicles ever move and no one is ever home. Hmmmmm... wonder why?? Duh!

Of course, they aren't ever home until father and son stay home from work and school one Monday to decorate their home for Christmas. They are keeping up with the Joneses, the Blacks, the Smiths and the Johnsons. I cannot begin to imagine the size of the electrical bills in this neighborhood.

I am truly not a Scrooge. Honestly, I am not. I love this holiday and think that the meaning of this holiday is what is important. And, while I am not a Scrooge, I must admit... I get a HUGE kick each morning on my way out of the neighborhood when I spy the inanimate puddles of vinyl lying listless in the snow, disconnected from the source of their puffy-power while the family is away. That is my favorite yard decoration of all and I laugh all the way down the street.

Don't Ask. Don't Tell.

Been thinking about being Rich lately. And when I say “rich” I mean MONEY. I know that I am blessed richly with all things non-monetarily related. I am, however, experiencing scarcity in my MONEY department. To this point in my life, that has been par for the course.

I have several men in my life that are geniuses with money. I have yet to discover a woman that I would categorize as such. And, that could be because I am choosing to not seeing the few women that I judge as “could be” financial wizards as actually being such. I don't know. It could be because those women don’t speak about their money life in explicit details. The men will flat out tell me how much money they have created this year, how much money they have brought in. They are willing to give actual amounts. The women don’t do that. Perhaps it is because I don’t ask the women... conundrum...

At any rate... Last night, I was speaking with one of these money wizards and discovered he will be bringing in lots of money by year end. I was blown away when I asked him flat out what he would make this year and he told me the actual amount without even blinking. For some reason, I thought it would be too personal of a question to ask or, if I had the balls enough to ask the question, he would be iritated by the invasion and not answer. Not so. He explained to me the difference between “bringing home and spending money” and “making money.” Two totally different realms. Who knew?!

The interesting correlation I am discovering in these men is that they operate under a “Don't Ask. Don't Tell.” sort of policy. For me, I judge that to be dishonest, as if one is hiding something. To these men they judge it as “it is my business, no one elses, thus it is none of their business and they don't need details.” What I am curious about is this: they trust ME enough to answer my direct questions and they DO tell me. Hmmmm... that is an awareness that just hit me in this moment. I am really curious about that...

I have thought about “don't ask, don't tell” a lot since he and I talked last night. In fact, I actually dreamt about it last night. I have wondered... is that what it takes to be wealthy? A don't ask, don't tell attitude? Is that the line of thinking I need to adopt? Can I even do that? And is this blog already a violation of that theory??? Eeegads... conundrum, indeed!

Last night, our conversation went something like this (and I am fairly certain that this IS telling so I am already blowing it! Sheesh!):
Money Man, “You can make good money too, if you want.”
Angie, “really?”
Money Man, “Yes, of course, but I don't think you want to. You were taught that money is evil, and that it doesn't bring happiness, so you don't pursue it. By the way, it does bring happiness.”
Angie, “Actually, I have discovered that it is more along the lines of me being not worthy.”
Money Man, “You are not only worthy, you live in country that expects you to be rich. It’s called the American Dream.”
Angie, “Which is easy for you to say because you believe that and have that.”
Money Man, “I don't believe it, I live it. It is not a belief. It is as simple as wanting to buy an apple, and going to the store and doing it. If you don't go to the store, you will never have the apple. And if I don't have the money for the apple, and want the apple, I still go to the store. Why? Because then I find out how much it costs, if it is important to me, and then I find a way to get it. You have to play the game to win. Think rich, act rich, become rich. Really.. I'm not just blowing smoke... it is true.”

And on it went. According to this man who I judge to be rolling in money, there is something to thinking rich, acting rich and then, POOF! I will magically have wealth. It is the Be/Do/Have psychology that we have spoke about in my trainings. Yeah. I hear you.

My question is... how does one THINK rich?

*sigh*

I feel sad...
For about three months now, I have had a laptop computer in my care.
Its daddy is coming to take it home tomorrow.
I feel sad about that because I have been very inspired to write lots while I had it with me. I had started a new book. I had finished editing my other two. I feel really grateful for how inspired I have been.
Yes. I feel sad.
I am holding space for another laptop computer to show up in my life.
This time, for good.