Catching a Toss

WOW! I am... WOW! Class tonight was ASTOUNDING! I feel exalted.... THIS is what I believe heaven would feel and look like!

Mary presented me with a couple different tosses tonight and I'm taking those tosses and running with them.

First, I need to clear up something... this is funny cuz I didn't realize I had a withhold cuz I thought I had revealed. Apparently not. Hmmm... something to look at.... For clarity: I work for Charles. Charles is my former husband. He is a General Contractor and I run all aspects of his business office. Last year, 8/8/08 to be exact, was my last day working for him. I had chosen out. I took about a 4-month sabbatical and chose back in for many reasons that I won't elaborate on here. It' was a temporary fix and one which I'm open to EASEFULLY shifting out of. I'm clear that now is NOT the time to leave that job because I want something more FIRST, which brings me to the second toss...

Second, I'd like to let you in on what I want most right now. For clarity: I have lived with my dad and his wife since 10/1/07. I am SO ready to shift out of this 10x10 guest bedroom that I share with my daughter 50% of the time!!! I see my home as: a bungalow cottage with a big, south-facing porch, lots of windows with white, sheer, flowing curtains, 2BR/1 bath, sanctuary space (den or 3rd BR that I can turn into my office), generous kitchen, central air, hardwood floors, fireplace, small yard, the ability to have 2 cats, comfortable neighborhood. I see my space as a gathering place where there are spontaneous potlucks and house concerts. I see myself creating a weekly "come as you are" night where friends mingle, eat food and celebrate being alive. I feel my space as a place where people want to linger and soak in the energy. I see my fairies and elves all over, my altar with my candles. I smell the hot wax and the oils that I have so missed while I've been hermitting here at my father's. I see myself lying on my couch - I LOVE my couch - with popcorn and movies. I feel alive and vibrant in my home!!! I want to be in my home no later than 9/30/09. I'm interested in lease options, renting or buying (if someone can pull a miracle out of their ass and get me qualified, I will dip you in chocolate and lick it off!!!).

I request support by seeing me in my home. Read the descriptions and feel yourself there celebrating with me. Send me loving wishes and energy to create the magic I see in support of my home. I welcome any sort of love, support and excitement you can generate in honor of my home. I'm open to receiving love and support in the ways that feel delicious to you. I'm also loving the idea of using the "have you considered..." brainstorming technique.

Bring it on my friends!

Manifestation

A couple Life Skills classes ago, we did a guided imagry where we went on an adventure with the voice in our head that always stops us. Megan asked us to get a clear image in our heads of what that being looks like. I was surprised to discover that my voice belonged to a character that looked horribly close to the scary-looking old lady in Howl's Moving Castle. I was curious about that, but chose to just let it be without analyzing it.

After we got familiar with the being, Megan guided us to a contraption that we were going to place this being in to transform it to something/someone who would be more constructive. My contraption looked like a cross between Sylvester McMonkey McBean's Star-Belly Sneetch Machine and Willy Wonka's Everlasting Gobstopper Maker. All sorts of curves and swirls, horns and whistles, lights and bells, smoke and bubbles.

When she popped out on the other end, I felt disgruntled. Our beings were supposed to transform into something more helpful, more friendly. What popped out in the palm of my hand was a red cube, no bigger than a 25¢ gumball. I stared at the object.

What the...? A friggin' red cube? What the hell do I do with a friggin' red cube? How is THAT more helpful?

The red cube lay in my hand motionless. I turned my hand this way and that, wondering what would happen next and how a simple red cube could be helpful to me. Then the memory of Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium came rushing to me.

There is a scene where Mr. Magorium gives Molly a solid wooden cube. When she asks him what she is supposed to do with it, he says, "It's a Congreve block. It has limitless possibilities."

She spends the rest of the movie trying to figure out what she is supposed to do with the block of wood. As her frustration mounts, she is beginning to give up. She realizes that the Congreve block is meant to be magical, but she doesn't believe she is magical until... she realizes she is.

I liked the reminder that I am magical and that I have limitless opportunities and abilities.

I came out of the quest, declaring that I wanted a real red cube for myself and I left it at that until...

Today! I was straightening the classroom after all the kids had gone to their homerooms. There, on the back table sitting in the very center was a red cube. I picked it up and looked at it, expecting it to be a bead or a game piece of sorts. It wasn't. It was simply... a little red cube.

"Honey," I turned to my daughter who was helping me straighten the room. "Do you know what this goes to?"

"I've never seen anything like that before in this classroom. It's yours, Momma."

I stared at the cube in disbelief. There it was. My very own Lil Red Cube.

And tonight she went to Five Guys Burger and Fries with us for dinner. We discovered that she prefers her Sprite to Fruit Punch ratio to be heavily weighted on the Punch side, much different than my own taste. We also discovered that she likes to play computer games.

Stay tuned for the many adventures of Lil Red Cube.

Completions

On Tuesday night, we began a 3-week series in Life Skills called "Completions" in preparation for the New Year. The object is this: go into the New Year with a clean, clear slate. What a novel idea! It was tossed to us, if we were willing, to make a commitment to completions. I would venture to guess there was about 40-50 people in the room and the energy was enormous! So many people focusing on completing anything that may be left hanging open! It's exciting.

That night, I made a commitment, which I want to out here to the world:

I commit to becoming masterful at completions and to clearing anything that may be blocking my way from doing so in easeful, fun and loving ways.

The most interesting thing has happened since then... things are showing up to complete that I had no idea were even out there - things that were sparked in several other people in that room, who also committed to getting complete, which involved me. No idea!!! I feel excited that I am in commitment to complete. I am really excited that I have created a safe space wherein others can approach me in arenas that could be potentially scary for them to get complete with me. I am grateful that I have come that far in my progression that I am trusting myself to complete and, therefore, I am attracting in others who are wanting to get complete too and feel safe doing that with me now.

I love it when I can see the very visible effects of playing with the Universe in the creation of my life. I love that my request of the Universe at the beginning of the year, "I'm tired of creating relationships that reflect back only the 'bad' about me. I commit to creating relationships that reflect the 'good' about me," is showing up in full color! I love that I am a safe space for myself and others.

DAMN! I FEEL HAPPY AND JOYFUL AND FULL!

This is fuckin' awesome stuff, man!!!

Blessed be.

Fearing Genius

I discovered something incredible last night...

I arrived quite late to Life Skills because I had chosen in to being in my genius and being available to support a couple friends. When I got to class, I walked in in the middle of them talking about "FEAR."

Spontaneously, Megan channeled a fear exercise. We were asked to face into our worst fear... "What is the absolute worst that could happen... and then, when that happens, what could be the worst thing beyond that?" For a few minutes, Megan took us through the fear gateways until the room was quiet and people were deep in the feeling of fear in their bodies.

I discovered that I had an immensely difficult time conjuring up fears. Megan offered, "So I just went bankrupt. Now what happens? So I just lost the house and I'm homeless. Now what happens?"

Those are fears that I have been facing into every day. However, last night, while basking in the glow of my genius, I realized that I felt solid and whole. Yes, so I went bankrupt. I can do this. What's next? I lost the house? Really? Well I am still alive.

I am getting that living in my genius will save my life because living a life that is run by fear will surely kill me - either by illness or some act of destruction which is attracted to my fear.

I am getting that living in my genius will enliven my life because it takes the charge out of the stories I create to stop myself.

And I finally understood that living in my genius is THE place to go to really FEEL amazing!

TT - "Change"

I looked around. The meadow was full of brilliantly colored wildflowers and golden grasses which were bowing in the gentle breeze. The noonday sun was brilliant and warm, causing the grasses to appear white at times. The southernmost border of the meadow was embraced by a lush evergreen forest and, to the east was a cozy cabin with an inviting porch. To the west, somewhere beyond where I could see or hear but sensed innately, there was an ocean.

When I turned to the north, I was curious to see a building materializing beyond the aspen grove. I walked toward it, holding out my hands at waist height to brush against the grasses. I relished the tickling sensation, the smell of damp soil and decomposing flora, the feel of the wind on my face and blowing back my hair, and the sound of my feet walking surely upon the ground.

“This structure,” my guide said, “Is you.”

I balked for a moment, silently arguing in my head and wanting to yell at her. “That’s ridiculous! How can this building be me?”

I felt a stirring rush through the room and mused that others were having the same sort of reaction as I. For a moment, I struggled to make the building look like me until I eventually gave up and decided to allow this 36-floor building which was sorely out of place in my meadow to actually be me. Steadying myself back to center, I breathed with concentrated evenness and allowed myself to fall deeper into the meditation.

“You notice a door high up on the structure...” Yep. There it was. “That is your ear. Go there...”

I teleported there, not needing any escalator or ladder. There was no need to fuss with old fashioned means of transportation, I just suddenly found myself there and walking around inside what I was soon to be told was my head.

I was interested to see that inside the building was cool, calm and peaceful. It was decorated in velvets and satins the colors of the richest red wines. The woods were solid, expensively glossed and the carpets were thick and lush. Everywhere I looked there was luxurious elegance. The floor I was on – thirty-six floors above ground – overlooked the city with a limitless perspective. The details were indistinct and there was a cloud of smog draped along the horizons, yet I felt as though I could see forever.

We ventured to our heart via an elevator through our throat, where we paused to discover what we would hear. My guide kept prompting us to listen to what we heard and offering up one suggestion after another about what we could possibly hear until I only could hear my brain screaming, “Shut up already so I CAN hear myself!” In that moment I wondered how often I had other people’s words cramming my throat and ears, how often do I not speak my own words because I am allowing others to talk instead, how often do I keep myself quiet.

On to the heartspace we went. It was beautiful there. Mine was full of pink and gold sparkling, flowing satin. I was stunned by the beauty there. I felt safe and sacred and loved. I reminded myself I was in my heart and felt in my whole body the impact of the fact that, at my core, I AM LOVE.

“You are here, in your core. Your body has all the answers you could ever want. Ask your body what it is you want to know about the complaint you have brought with you today.”

I paused taken aback by the question that appeared. I had thought it would be something like, “How can I get skinny and sexy?” or “How can I get wealthy?” Instead, what showed up was, “How can I live in this space all the time?” I breathed into it and had to wait only a moment before the answer showed up...

Move and Breathe and Love and Believe.

Movement, breathing, loving and believing. It is who I am. It is what I am here to do and my body understood.

“Thank your heartspace...” my guide went on to say and I realized that the material from my heart was wrapping around me in a luxurious spiral. It flowed around me and through me and filled the spaces. My elevator headed back up to the ear and passed my throat where there was the same spiraling, flowing material from my heart. And now there was symphonic ecstasy accompanying the ribbon dance.

Back on the 36th floor, I discovered that the décor felt more opulent and lavish. The view out the window was clear and precise, uninterrupted by smog or clouds. I could see distinct details for forever in colors as luminous as new acrylic paints.

“What do you notice now?” She asked. “Do you hear any sounds? Is anything different?”

I stopped in the center of the room turning this way and that. I was aware that I wanted to explore beyond the dividing walls of the space I was in, but only because I was curious what was on the other side. I was aware that I wasn’t seeking anything or anyone. And then everything in me stopped for a moment and a subtle shift changed every aspect of me.

The only sound in that space was me. The only person in that space was me.

I was completely and utterly alone and, for the first time in my life, I was completely and utterly at peace with that. I am alone. I can do this. I am alone and it’s okay.

“I feel,” I shyly shared with my friend afterward in surprise, “rich, luxurious and sexy.”

Not one thing had changed in the 90 minutes I had been there and, yet, everything had.

Ah-ha!

Soooo... after my heart-rending conversation last night, I went to Life Skills in a fairly vulnerable and emotionally raw state. At one point, I was crying so hard I was doing those little baby hiccups. The sadness was so huge and soooooo old.

I was stunned to feel the impact and that it was SO big. I was confused by that. I feel like I have had huge strides in the "loving me" department and that my body is finally understanding what that feels like... after FOUR decades! Being hit with this massive pain and sadness and... shame? (What the hell?! Shame? Wow! Where did that come from???) Being hit with that was startling because it was so intense and there was nothing I could do to stop the sadness. It just came and came and came. Waves of it crashing over me and through the gaping hole that had been left by the double-edged serrated sword that had slashed through me.

I couldn't not cry. Crying was all I could do. And when I could finally breathe easy again, between the sniffles and the hiccups, I checked in with myself, walked myself backward to the moment and actually listened to myself.

After he said those words, "I am married to her because she had the balls to make the moves," the very first instinct was to lash out in anger in violent and unhealthy ways. I instantaneously wanted to punch him in the face, kick him in the balls and scratch his eyes out. I realized that that instinct was covering the truth of the fact that OH MY GOD, THAT HURT! As I looked at myself in that moment, I saw me shrink and collapse inward. Mixed in with the need to violently wound him, I heard myself think, I am never gonna be enough for him.

What the?!!!

I am never gonna be enough for him?!!!

Good lord!

I am clear now that the "him" in this sentence is the operative word. It doesn't necessarily mean my former husband. It means anyone. And therein lies the intense sadness. I had thought I was enough for myself now. I had thought I loved myself fully. I had thought I finally understood what it feels like to be enough.

Now I have discovered that there is a part of me, still, that is not on board with all this. That part is directly in the center of my body and is now a gaping wound. It is oozing sadness and "not enough-ness" and I am feeling the pain of it all.

Several of my friends kindly pointed out last night that this was a Gift. I have now uncovered the part of me that was still holding on to the old belief of "I am not enough." I have discovered, thanks to his participation, that all of me was not into this loving myself stuff. So, he gave me a gift and for that I am thankful. It was just a very painful one.

Choosy

I discovered last night in my Life Skills class that (I am well aware that what I am about to write sounds absurdly cliche) I am more into the journey rather than the destination. We were talking about choice and that every moment is an opportunity to choose again. We did a few experential exercises around accomplishing goals and how choosing different "ways" of accomplishing these goals changes the process.

The first way was to take a HUGE leap toward the goal, hoping to land in the goal itself. I heard all sorts of mind chatter: I am never gonna make it. It's too far. I'm too little. I am going to crash and burn. I'm never going to get there. There's no way. Too far. Too big. Unsustainable.

I know myself well enough now to know that HUGE steps never work for me. I try HUGE shifts and I get freaked out midway and fall flat on my face, usually. I also know that HUGE shifts, for me, are too easy to cop out on and go back to my old ways. I knew this before even trying, but I tried anyway, just to see.

I leapt with all my might, noticing that I held my breath in the process. I landed in a wobbly one-footed stance and obviously short of my goal mark. Placing my other foot on the ground and finding my balance, I shuffled to the end with a faux cutesy smile on my face, frantically looking around to see who had witnessed my failure. So like my life... if I am just cute enough and nice enough and move gently enough then no one will notice I fell short and everyone will love me and think I am amazing. Ugh. So tired of that pattern.

The second process was to reach the goal through baby steps. I discovered this one felt congruent with where I am in my life. I felt happy and light and as though every step was sustainable. I never wobbled. I never looked around to see what other people may be thinking of me. I danced and I laughed and I felt good! When I arrived at the goal mark, where my partner was standing, we embraced one another with giddy laughter and I heard myself think, "I made it! It was SO easy!"

And then, there in the embrace of one of my best friends, I realized that most of all it was the connection I made with her at the end that was interesting to me. It wasn't the completion of the goal. It wasn't even, really, the journey although that was incredibly easy and fun. It was that spark of connection and love and friendship that did it for me.

Then, like a bolt of lightning, I was hit with this: if I choose to focus on the connection factor in my life rather than the actual goals, then everything will be easeful and fun.

I feel SO excited by this!

DAMN! Life IS good! Waaaaaaaaaaaaahooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The In-Crowd

Excerpt from my upcoming book Above the Clouds...

~~~

It was fall, 1978 and I was, once again, walking into an unfamiliar school in the middle of the year. I was bombarded with all the same fears I had dealt with so many times before. Will they like me? Will I find a friend? Will the teacher be nice? Will they tease me? Will I be lonely?

After getting my classroom number from the secretary in the front office, I turned toward the indicated hall. The sun coming through the glass doors at the end of the hall blinded me as it reflected off the recently polished floor. The hall was quiet, yet I could hear the murmur of voices from behind closed doors. I could have sworn my echoing footsteps were actually the sound of my heart pounding unsteadily in my chest.

I stopped before the appropriate door and glanced down at the paper to assure myself that I had arrived at the correct place. Trying to calm myself, and stalling for time, I deliberately and carefully folded up the note, “Mr. Peterson room 6,” I stood silently staring at the door. There were no sounds coming from within. I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not.

Biting my lip, I made a thorough inspection to verify that every button and zipper were properly clasped. Then I placed my hand upon the cold doorknob and said a little prayer.

“Heavenly Father, if you are listening, please help me be brave.”

The door’s creaking hinges challenged the sound of a gunshot in a silent meadow and, of course, everyone focused on me. Each student had a book before them, explaining the silence and the teacher was hidden behind a stack of papers upon his desk.

“Come in,” said the man as he stood and stretched to his full height, towering over six feet tall. I studied him, trying to deduce if I had found a friend or foe. His thick, wavy brown hair stood haphazardly upon his head as if he had failed to use a brush that morning and his auburn beard and mustache were long and unkempt. I smiled at his belly, thinking of Santa.

Then he said, “I’m Mr. Peterson. You must be Angie. We’ve been waiting for you and saved you a seat right over there.”

He grinned the friendliest smile I had ever seen and I knew I had an ally.

Never having been the class clown or overly outgoing, I had never been part of the “in crowd.” I was quiet, inward and liked to read. That didn’t go over well with kids my age, so I usually stuck to myself and stayed in the background. I was quick to learn who was ‘in’ and who was ‘out’. Which girls copied and which girls were to be copied. I also quickly learned that Mr. Peterson and my guardian angels had set me at the “in crowd” table and they took me under their wings. For the first time in my life, I was the girl that other girls wanted to be with, be like and do for. Yet, I was still able to be friends with everyone. Every day was like a dream come true. I had found my bosom friends. I would run home bursting with tales of “The Gang.” It was the happiest time of my life.

~~~

This morning as I drove to work repeating my new mantra I commit to being open to self-awareness, ease and flow in all areas of my life... I had the thought pop up that I have been spending my entire life trying to fit in with the In-Crowd. Other than the year I spoke about above, I have always been on the outskirts of that crowd. I am not exceedingly ugly, crippled, stupid or boring. I am, however, usually quiet and waiting for others to draw me out, shy upon meeting and have a propensity for introspection and inward-focused activities like reading and writing.

There are reasons for why I am this way and there are reasons for why I have never really fit in anywhere. There are also reasons for why I have chosen, since I was fourteen, to partner with just one person to the exclusion of all others. These reasons are rooted deep in my childhood and are patterns that I am looking to unearth and redo.

I choose to be healthier in my relationships, all relationships - money, health, sexual, spiritual and in the area of my genius. This choice creates an uncomfortability at times as I wiggle my way out of the old and into the new. And, as I do so, I am becoming painfully aware that I still don't fit in anywhere. I am part of a community that is primarily gay/lesbian, while being heterosexual. In this community of artisans, musicians, deep-thinkers and comedians, I am inward, yet longing to be noticed for who I am. I am in a state that is predominantly Mormon while I am decidedly not. I am quiet in a realm where noise is required to get noticed. I am noisy in places that require quiet. I am excluded where I want to be included and included in things that I would rather not be a part of. I am a singer who cannot really carry a tune and lacks the balls to get in the spotlight and even attempt to belt one out. I am a writer afraid to publish and a teacher without a class. I am a wealthy person without money. I am the "Other Woman" in several non-sexual partnerships. Sadly, I am a misfit in practically every area of my life.

The interesting thing is that even when I am participating in activities that would appear to outsiders as being "In Crowd" activities (i.e., high school drill team, high school dance teams, college dance troupes, professional belly dancing troupes) I was still not included in that crowd. In fact, in high school, I specifically remember being the only girl without a roommate for summer drill camp. The team captain sighed loudly and said in a tone I judged to be the epitome of martyrdom, "I will be Angie's roommate."

And while all this could be viewed as me being unique, that is only a softer way of saying you are weird and don't belong here.

Please note, I am sharing this to out myself. The voice I hear in my head as I write this is calm and introspective, lacking the nasal-tone whining of one who is groveling for attention. These things are my noticings and I am wondering how I turn around this pattern of continually putting myself outside the circle. I am wondering how to become the person who gets invited, who people want to be with, maybe even long to be with. I am wondering how I find the natural knowing of when to stay, when to go, when to switch, when to stand still. I am wondering how to become open to self-awareness, ease and flow in every area of my life...

Dream Building 101

For the first time since I got so deathly ill back in September, I returned to my Life Skills classes last night. I was blown away by how packed the space was. I would venture to guess there were about 50 people there. I remember the good ole days, over five years ago, when I was one of a core of regulars numbering five at the most, including me! I love that I started out before this got big, that I have got to watch it grow and leap and stretch. Doing so with them has done so for me in my personal life. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Megan for catching a vision twelve years ago and starting these classes. I am grateful for her willingness to forge on and for her partner, AnnaBeth, who became a co-teacher just as I ventured into their realm. The two of them see me!

Last night, we began a new series called "Dream Building." The moment I walked into the room, my body exploded in chivels. (Chivels are my own personal body experience, which developed last year. I am incredibly intuitive, with strong body signals, and whenever I am in a space of truth, or if someone speaks a truth, or I state a truth then my body explodes in all these signals at once. My nipples stand out [Wooohoooo! Gotta love that!!!], I get shivers and chills and this huge, sizzling energy zaps through me instantaneously. Thus, Chills+Shivers+Nips+Zap=Chivels) The coolest thing was that it did not stop for the whole night! It was a wild ride and such a rush. I knew I was in a space where something big was coming. I could see it in AnnaBeth and Megan, just simmering there, waiting to be uncorked.

We did an exercise wherein they played some very moving music and then we spent the time writing down things that came to our mind from our lives. Each thing was just a jotted note with a little dot that we would eventually connect to uncover any themes or patterns. As I began, I was, of course, sobbing because they chose to share the song that AnnaBeth is using for her personal epic journey right now, 10,000 Miles by Mary Chapin Carpenter. It's not so much the words for me, although they are amazing, it is more the sound of this song just goes deep into my soul. (I included a beautiful photo montage that someone has created with this song as the background for your listening/viewing pleasure.)

I was amazed at how fast the memories came at me. Little clips of my life coming as a frenetic slide show of images and sounds. I began with the thought that we would be eventually connecting the dots, although they didn't tell us that up front. Therefore, I wanted my picture to be pretty. I wanted to do it right. Thing is, it was all coming at me so fast, there was no way to organize it or make it form a pretty picture. So I just wrote.

Memories came at me first in the faces of the people I have loved. There they were all shining and beautiful before me. And then I would remember my life through them. These little pieces of who I am all a part of who I love. I wrote furiously, my page unclear through the tears. And it just kept coming.

Then they said, "Now connect the dots."

I blinked several times and stared at the page, trying to see something, anything in the pool of words and dots splashed upon my page. Then I felt led. Just move with it, I heard. So I did, fearing all the time that I was doing it wrong. This is what I did with it

I flowed with it. Each dot led me to the next and I just went with it. I didn't read what was beside each dot or think oh! That one is next! I gotta go there. I just moved and flowed through it, starting and ending at some random point. I discovered, in the end, that the random starting and ending points were actually not so random. They both were part of the same situation which happened in the middle of my life lived to this point. I love the perfection of the Universe and the way the messages happen...

So I stared at the completed project, seeing no pattern, no picture, no themes. I felt angry. I did it wrong. Mine's not working. Which, in and of itself, was a very familiar pattern for me. Then my dear friend sitting next to me said, "Yours is so flowy. I like how it leads from one dot to the next in a smooth, flowing pattern. Mine feels all jaggedy." I looked at hers and at others around me. I saw many kindergarten Christmas trees and shapes that looked like angry bam!s from cartoons...

I saw a heart and a few circles. But nothing looked like mine. Mine's different. I did it wrong.

Mine's different. I did it wrong.

So sad, this propensity of mine to make my uniqueness, wrongness.

I stared at my picture, loving the dancing feel of it and the loop-de-loop appearance. I liked my picture, but it wasn't really a picture. It was simply a looping, curvy line that led from one dot to the next.

Then Megan said, "Close your eyes. I am going to ask you a question and I want you to jot down the very first thing that comes to your mind when I do."

I closed my eyes immediately, trusting her to guide me safely. She waited until the room was quiet and then asked, "What have you been preparing your whole life to do?"

The first thing that came to me was...

a white expanse with black horizontal lines???

I immediately went into analyzing mode. What could this possibly mean? Is that a blank sheet of paper? Does it mean I have been meant to write????

On and on it went, this analyizing. Until I realized that Megan was talking and I was completely out of the exercise, out of my body, out of the room.

I brought it home and asked myself the question. I made it first person and was stunned with the answer.

"What have I been preparing my whole life to do?"

L E A D!

What the hell?! I am not a leader! I am a follower. WHAT?!

In fact, I even commented to Tewkesbury on one of my recent blogs, that very thing, "I have a story, though, that I am more of a follower rather than a leader. You set up a party, I'll be there, but I will be damned if you ask me to plan it - sort of thing. It is, of course, mostly a story. A cover up, if you will. Cuz, in the end it all boils down to the fact that I'm just a great big scaredy cat."

I am here to LEAD?!

Then I looked at my picture and I remembered my feelings, that this line led me from one event/person to the next. I remembered that I have always felt that I have been led and that I am where I am because I am supposed to be. I remembered that each moment has felt as though it was designed to lead me to the next. I remembered my friend saying that she felt like she was led through my life just by looking at the picture.

Tears and chivels.

I shared my experience with the group and AnnaBeth said, "Angie, I appreciate you sharing that because it really does take guts to stand up for who you are. As humans, we tend to say that we are not actually what we are because it is really damn scary to be who we are sometimes. It can be really scary to be who you are meant to be."

And then Megan said, "Ang, I know for a certainty that it takes the best follower to be the best leader and that the best leaders know when to lead and when to follow and they do both."