Double Rainbows

"Today is a beautiful day. I go forward with an open heart into the expanse of universal abundance and welcome the flow of love and joy."

That was my Facebook status quote as I left my house for the day earlier this morning. I had no idea, really, what was in store then and could have never orchestrated the magic that was to follow.

It started when my mentor with whom I was doing professional trade today texted and said she NEEDED a latte and would be a few minutes late to her house where our appointment would be. "Good! I'll slow down then," I replied, laughing. I showed up at her house about 10 minutes later to find her car in the driveway. I knocked on her door. Long pause while I listened to the bees and the birds busily working away on this beautifully clear and hot day. The door opened and... before me stood a stranger whom I felt I should know but didn't recognize. Her face mirrored my feeling of disorientation. I had no idea Megan had gotten a new roommate. I've been out of the loop for a long time.

Julie invited me in. We sat down in the living room and began to get acquainted. As she talked, revealing her story to me as I asked leading questions, I realized why Megan was so late. I needed to get to know Julie. WOW!

Then Megan returned home and we chatted for another half hour, the three of us. When our "session" time officially started, it was noon - an hour passed our planned starting time. We went out onto the porch to start my session while sitting in the porch swing, gently rocking, laughing and processing. Behind us, a Robin Redbreast noisily thrashed through the ivy with a juicy fat worm dangling from her mouth. We watched her feed an equally fat bird of another breed, feeling surprised that the meal was not for her babies and Megan said, "Maybe they're mates."

All around us, the world was alive with life and creative energy. The fruit trees were heavy-laden with an eventual harvest. The flowering bushes were vibrant and the grass was lush. I shared with her that I feel so ready to step into who I am, while at the same time feeling scared to do so. The scared part of me is running the show and, especially, running my money. As I spoke, one of the lines that I said was, "The money must stop." I was floored by the indications as we explored what would happen if I owned that I felt that way... what would happen if the money did stop... what would my experience be?

My life has been a series of lessons to gain, I believe, an understanding of love and a complete compassion for humanity. Most of my lessons have been painful to an unbelievable degree. I've learned by living it and I realized in that moment as I sat there swaying with her that I'm ready to live compassionately for all of humanity - even the homeless - without actually fully experiencing that life.

I've been homeless and destitute in many ways. I'm actually, technically, homeless and destitute now - no place of my own, no belongings and no income. And in that awareness came the dawning knowledge that this state of destitute homelessness is the greatest disguise to hide behind. It is a cloak of invisibility. Homeless people are very difficult to locate because they have no address. I'm trying to hide. Enough.

I also uncovered my belief of struggle for all things financial. That I'm running my generational belief pattern that life must be hard and money must be scarce. I also revealed that I strongly feel my entire generation has worked itself into a financial hole from which it is going to be so difficult to recover and something has really got to change. I'm ready.

As we walked through the unwinding, unprogramming and reprogramming process, I felt my engines revving and my energy building. I had heat waves and energy coursing through me as I grew and expanded. The last thing I said in the process was, "I accept and love that I am now ready and willing to break the rules in outrageous and new ways," which set into motion the final unwinding of my belief that I had to be good and follow all the rules all the time and that, if I'm going to "be bad" and "break the rules" (read: follow my curiosity) then I needed to do it behind closed doors, in the dark and where no one could see me.

I released my belief that succeeding and having financial abundance was "bad". I released my beliefs that I had to hide to "be bad" and I released myself from carrying any further the load of my generational beliefs of struggle. I released myself from poverty. I released myself from homelessness. I released myself from invisibility. And I claimed my power.

And then... the HUGEST bumblebee came out of nowhere and flew straight toward me, its energy and intention hitting me squarely in the heart chakra like an arrow. It hovered for a few moments 12 inches in front of me. Just long enough for me to be absolutely certain that it was there then it buzzed off and disappeared.

Bumblees are not meant to fly. Science cannot explain why they do. Their wings are too small for the size of their body. The body is too big and not aerodynamic enough to fly. And, yet, they fly.

None of that escaped me in that moment.

From there I travelled to a friend's house for dinner and a movie. Several people whom I love dearly were also there and the room abounded with love and appreciation. We watched Invictus and in that movie, I heard a quote from Nelson Mandela that sprung me the rest of the way open into full transformation: "If I cannot change when circumstances demand it, how can I expect it of others?"

Love and joy, gratitude and abundance, flow and peace surrounded me today in such massive amounts, there was no way I could ignore it. And I created this!

The drive home brought another awareness and shift in my openness when I looked at a picture I'd recieved of my daughter and her stepmom. It was a joyful, loving picture and the last remaining vestiges of struggle with what WAS released and I soared on wings of freedom from bondage. As I got ready to turn in for the night, I spoke with my mom while feeling so full of love and gratitude. I was overflowing... I had no hope for stopping the tears. Such love! Such joy! Such fullness!

And then, there in the middle of all that joy and love and fullness, the heavens roared and flashed, the skies opened up, the rain fell and a double rainbow danced across the sky - at first crossed at the lower part, something I've never seen before. There, at the end of my magical day was that beautiful reminder that He will never forsake me.

Life IS good!

Clarification

Apparently people DO read my blog. Hmmmm...

A few days ago, as I normally do, I posted here my "Appreciations" from my Grace in Small Things project. On this particular day, the things for which I was grateful caused confusion and consternation for some people who read this post and for the person to whom this post was read by some concerned soul.

The words that caused confusion were: *Talking with my father about how he feels about my former husband and feeling such overwhelming love and compassion for him even though he doesn't agree with me. No one agrees with me, so I get that part. However, I'm appreciating that he is willing to hold space for love to come through. *Having the same sort of conversation with my mom and having her respond the same way... willingness to hold space for him to transform his life into something possitive. *I'm really appreciating that both of them listen to me and are willing to believe beyond anything humanly believeable that this man CAN become who I see in him and he is.

I'd like to clairify.

I am grateful for my parents. I am grateful for their support of ME. I am appreciating witnessing the transformation of my former husband. I am grateful for how many people love me. In all of that, I'm allowing space for others to have their own experience and I'm not expecting anyone to be in support of him. I now realize that those who love me really love me and want me to be safe and happy and they feel scared by the fact that, for 18 years, I've loved him and have held space for him to transform his life. And I'm still holding space for him to transform.

I see now that my appreciations which stated they were holding space for him to transform and that they believe he can aren't actually founded in truth. They do not feel that way. I misunderstood the conversations. My expression of appreciations based on my misunderstanding of their truths caused further confusion. I apologize, first, for my misunderstanding; second, for expressing appreciation over something I misunderstood; and third, for causing hurt and confusion for my loved ones.

I hope this clears it up for everyone.

Appreciation #164/365

*Witnessing the joy of my close friend. *Feeling my feelings in the moment. What an incredible skill I've learned! *Requesting and receiving support. *Feeling scared and brave at the same time. *Having the balls to tell the D.A. that I disagreed with his commitment to get a life sentence. *Knowing that I am a safe space for people. *Feeling love, radiating love, being love. -Grateful!

Grace in Small Things

Love

Angie,
I'm loving that you created an entire weekend for creating new beliefs. I'm loving that it looked like loving and stretching and laughing and playing and growing and learning and crying and feeling. I love that it looked like seeing a funny movie with Jen and Jeremy and then spontaneously deciding to see another movie that ultimately altered the view of myself, my world, my love. I'm loving that expanding my belief structure looked like following impulses and playing that led to laughter so big I had to lay on the floor, cross my legs and hold my sides. I love you, Angie.

What are YOU in love with?

What are You in Love With?

On one of the electronic forms I participate in, my best friend, Jen Halterman, posted this:

I have been on a fun journey lately and I wanted to share here and invite you all to share also...
I brought to my awareness that I often say to people, "I love that about you" or "I love _______ about you". As I was receiving appreciation for my words one day I realized that I do that to the outside world and yet inwardly I was criticizing me consistantly... thus a new experiment began. I began saying to myself "Jen, I love _______ about you" or "Jen, I love that about you", as the weeks wove on I began to notice a familiar sensation in my body. It was the feeling of falling in love, the only difference was it was WITH MYSELF! I was quite surprised that such love and gentleness could reside within me and that it involved me and only me. I also began to notice that I was hearing from people appreciations for the very things I was appreciating about myself. I began to do the things that matched the feeling of being in love with me. This discovery has led to some great adventures and some very funny experiences.

So, here I am sharing somethings I love about me this morning and I invite you all to share somethings you love about yourselves too. It is nice to appreciate each other, but I am requesting that you appreciate even one thing about yourself today and tomorrow and so on and so on.

Falling in love is a great place to play, will you play with me?

So, I've been playing along with her and having the funnest time doing so. I decided, with her permission, to bring it out here into my blog and play here too. I invite you, if you feel moved to do so, to comment with what you are in love with about yourself, your life, your creations.

Here, I'll go first...

Angie, Angie, ANGIE!
Oh my! Girl! I am SO loving your ability to play and explore. I'm so loving how you have listened to feedback, tried it on, gotten curious about the sticky ones and have kept seeking more. I'm loving the connection you are experiencing with yourself and how that is showing up outside of you. I'm loving that you felt surprised when your friend told you last night that he thought you looked absolutely beautiful and radiant from the inside out. I'm loving that you feel good inside and hadn't even stopped to think about the outside!!! LOL

Onochord

Yoko Ono: Onochord from Yoko Ono on Vimeo.

Lovingly

I feel loving today. I feel magical and beautiful and flowing and vibrant. I feel creative and magnetic and abundant and curious. I feel grateful to be a mother of an inquisitive daughter. I feel blessed to be a part of the process of creating a Genius Community with my mentors. I feel excited to have an awareness of the daily miracles of my life. I feel alive and brilliant and glorious.

I feel loving today. Loving myself. Loving my biological family and parents. Loving my family of choice and dear friends. Loving that I can say I am building close, lasting friendships with conscious people who reflect to me the beauty within me. Loving my education and my healing powers and my wisdom. Loving those who bravely went before me and those who will courageously follow me.

I feel loving today.

And I want to share it with the world.

Blessed be.

Playing for Change

One of my most favorite things about my life, about being alive at this time on this planet ,is that our modern technology has a way of connecting people in ways that have never before been available to us. I love that my life is rich with people from all walks of life, from all around the world. I am grateful that I am fed so completely by my interactions with people whom I may never meet face to face, but love nonetheless. I love that there are more and more of us seeking to create a change through 100% honesty, accountability, genius, creativity and through, most importantly, love.

I was visiting one of my friend's blogs today, Cele, and now find myself sitting here with tears running down my face. I am so touched by the magic of this life and the beauty that can be found all around the world. I had never heard of this program, Playing for Change, before and am grateful to Cele for posting this video, which introduced me to it.

I am so full of love and appreciation...

Loving Senses

I am in the coffee shop. I am surrounded by the smell and sounds of warm coffee. I hear the clickety-click of the keys of numerous laptop keyboards. I see the young man and young woman across from me. She is studiously working on her computer, earphones attached, flourescent glow of the monitor reflecting on her face. Her beau is standing beside her, bending over to be close to her. Occasionally she glances up at him and they exchange the lover's glance. I watch him gently raise her hair to his face. He rubs the long tresses against his cheek and sighs. He inhales the scent of her from the locks and sighs again. He smiles down at her, kisses her forehead and she sighs.

Oh. The sights and sounds of young love.

Yes.

I do miss it.

Visitation

I have loved him since we were ten. He died almost four years ago, yet he visited me last night. Ironically, he called himself by the name I use for him in my autobiography. He took me by the hand and I could feel the warmth of him. When I do my work and the spirits join me, I can feel them, but they feel cold. I was confused by the heat in the room, warm enough that, on this cold autumn night with the window opened, I threw off the blankets and settled into the sauna of his presence.

He said, "I love you." His eyes glittered with unshed tears. I felt them burning in my own eyes as well and I breathed deeply. I have been missing him so much lately and then, there he was. It's his birthday Monday. I miss hearing his voice.

He continued and I soaked in the sound of his words, the warmth of him and felt like melting into the chocolate of his eyes, "I love you. I always have. I always will. I'm loving you from this side now."

I opened my eyes for a brief moment to see if he was really there. I could feel his touch on me and the room was full of glimmering light, but I couldn't see him. I longed to see him and closed my eyes again. He was still there. And I melted into him, missing him beyond this world.

And I slid into sleep with this song playing in my heart and mind...

TT - "Shooting Stars"

I was in love. With all of me. Down to the very tips of my toes and to the ends of my hair. I loved him deeper and wider than I thought possible. And he was going away for two years. I couldn't imagine my life without him.

It was late, the sky an inky blue-black, lighter near the horizon, deeper high above. The sounds of frogs and crickets and other night creatures filled the air with a rhythmic melody as we walked through the forest toward the lake. My feet sunk into the moist layer of decomposing yellow leaves, my footsteps muted by the layers of autumn flora as the tangy golden aroma and the scent of pine sap filled my senses. My light jacket barely held the cold, damp air at bay and I hugged myself tightly, patting my arms to encourage blood flow for warmth.

"You cold?" He whispered, close enough that I could feel his body heat against my back.

"A little." It had not been a ploy to get him near me, but I was grateful for the outcome.

"Do you want to go back?"

We weren't supposed to be out here this late. We had told my parents we would be going back to the cabin. But the idea of being alone beside the lake under the almost-full moon had drawn us away from our original destination.

"No. I want to go to the lake. We're almost there."

And then, suddenly, we found ourselves on the bank of the lake, the gentle waves glittering with moon-diamonds. A bird, startled by our approach, took flight and I jumped at the sudden movement.

He chuckled in my ear. "You're a little jumpy."

I laughed nervously as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back against his solid form. I melted into the comfort of his embrace, feeling found and whole and aware. A purr rumbled around in my belly and slid out in a moan as I leaned my head back against his chest.

"Beautiful..." he whispered on a sigh. I didn't know if he meant me or the view, but it was the same way he said 'beautiful' when he meant me. I smiled.

"I am going to miss you. Miss this," he said, squeezing me closer to indicate what the 'this' was. He was going to miss our closeness, as was I.

"Me too..." I said. The tears were there, burning at the back of my eyes. I willed them away. I would not cry.

"It's going to be okay, babe. We are going to be okay. We're meant to be together," he said. "You know that, don't you?"

I nodded. Choking on a silent sob, I could not speak. I nodded again.

"You know how I know that?" He asked and I could hear the coy grin in his voice. I knew him well enough to sense he was gearing up for something really quaint. Little did I know that he was going to reveal something that, while it sounds saccharin now, would be the answer to my prayers then.

"How?"

"The stars told me. The stars said, 'You are meant to be together. Forever.' And, you know, Angie, the stars don't lie."

As if he had paid the gods to conspire in the telling of his story, a star shot across the sky in a blazing trail of brilliant fire.

I gasped and he said, "Forever, Angie." He pressed his lips to my throat and whispered hungrily, "The stars don't lie."

Shooting Star image: http://twisp.wordpress.com/2006/11/

TT - "Green"

I stretch luxuriously, the silkiness of the blanket's edging slides along my tender under-arm skin and sends shivers running delightfully through my system. My fingertips gently graze the grass and the prickly-points of the individual reeds tickle me as I slowly run my hand back and forth. Languidly, I roll to my back and stare up into the endless sky. My arms sink into the cool dampness of grass and earth. Above, the sky is dusky; the color just between blue and darkness as the stars begin to wink forth. The sound of the creek and the wind in the treetops, rustling the aspen leaves high above, lull me into submission as he stares at me with dark emerald eyes.

Somewhere deep inside me, he calls to the surface an awareness of lifetimes past and lifetimes to come. He looks into my soul and my soul answers back, swimming through a verdant sea of knowing and remembrance. This feeling... this is where my search has been leading me. This knowing. This remembrance. This love.

He trails a single fingertip from the tip of my hand to my shoulder to my face, his eyes watching the progress. He holds my face tenderly and speaks volumes without a sound, without moving his mouth. I feel my body speak back, my soul rising to meet his serene authority and dance in his embrace. Neither of us have moved. Neither of us have spoken. And yet, yet, there amongst the water and the earth and the air, there is the fire that has burned with an undisiplined flame, waiting for this moment.

I smell the water and the air and the earth. I feel the fire. And I taste the liquid juiciness that explodes in my mouth when I bite into the green grape he has slid between my lips.

Aloneliness

A friend recently wrote, "I want someone to help me. I know I need to help myself."

I have been thinking about that very thing. In ALC, we are learning about being 100% responsible for the life we create and that we must first give to ourselves that which we want to attract. I feel sad, though, when I hear that to be in conscious living, I can't actually expect someone to help me or even do it with me. I am wondering if there will ever be a time when I will be 100% comfortable being alone, not "having" someone to help me and doing it on my own.

At times I feel empowered by that. At others, like now for instance, I feel sad and like that empty space beside me grows bigger every day. I understand the theory of "if I want to attract a healthy relationship, I need to be healthy and whole on my own first." Understanding it, though, has not made it any easier. Nor has it reduced the stark loneliness and longing at times for another human being, human contact... someone to touch me and let me feel from the outside that I am alive, that I still know what it feels like to be caressed, to feel that awareness, awakening that can only come from someone outside of me coming into physical contact with me...

Tonight I am restless. I feel my life clock clicking away the moments. Every moment that passes is one more moment I spent with only myself. And while I am grateful for those moments, I am aware of the longing, aloneness, loneliness. Each moment is another moment that I spent without someone there that looks at me and simply knows me and is witness to who I am at my best and my worst and loves me all the same.

Ummmm... so... that is MY story...

TT - "Hot Summer Nights"

The year was 1978. I was ten years old and feeling like a grown up girl as me and my friends piled into the back of our Pinto station wagon. It was dark outside, truly nighttime and we were going to the movies! Just us girls! The plan was to be dropped off at the Villa Theater - which was soon to be the last of the real theaters with only one HUGE screen and a seating for 1300 people. This theater was magical, complete with a rich velvet curtain that draped the screen until the commercials started for the concessions stands with the marching ice cream on a stick dude leading the other treats around. Sadly, they have turned that magnificient place into Adib's Rug Gallery. But I digress...

The year was 1978. I was ten years old and feeling like a grown up girl as we climbed into the back of our Pinto station wagon. I had delayed my birthday party this year, specifically for this incredible event. The energy of the group of girls caused a giddy headiness to fill the car and the anticipation was agonizing. We were going on our first official "Girls Only" outing to see a double feature with the hottest hunk to hit the screen, John Travolta. Someone had gotten wise about Saturday Night Fever, had edited it to a PG rating and had re-released it with Grease. We were breathless with the restless waiting.

We piled out of the car, adjusting our clothes and feeling awed by the dazzling marquee and blinking lights. We sat beside one another holding hands and swooning over how handsome John Travolta was in Saturday Night Fever. However, then they started Grease and our worlds exploded in song and dance. We bounced our legs and swayed with the songs, surely creating a distraction for anyone behind us. But, we didn't care. We were ten! We were there! And we were in love with the entire experience.

We tumbled out of the theater together, tripping to the car and climbed inside. With all the windows rolled down we sang all the way home at the top of our lungs...

Summer lovin' had me a blast!

Summer lovin' happened so fast...

I am all grown up now and miss the days when I was ten and all seemed right with the world. When I could climb into the back of the station wagon with a bunch of my girl friends and have not a care in the world. Even now, when I hear the first deep notes of that song and the drums, I stop and smile. I am young again, with the air going through my hair.

Now, when I listen to it, though, it never escapes my noticing how differently Danny and Sandy approached the whole scene. Danny enticing his friends with hints at lurid details, "We made out under the dock and she was good, if you know what I mean." Down-dooby-doo dooby-doo dooby-dooby-dooby Down-dooby-doo dooby-doo dooby-dooby-dooby Sandy being all sweet and doe-eyed about "strolling and drinking lemonade and staying out until ten o'clock." Down-dooby-doo dooby-doo dooby-dooby-dooby Down-dooby-doo dooby-doo dooby-dooby-dooby

Tell me more! Tell me more!

It never ceases to amaze me how differently men and women approach matters of the heart vs. matter of sex. My former husband just recently shared a joke with me that seems appropriate here: Women think they are so smart. They fake an orgasm to have a relationship. Thing is, men fake entire relationships to have an orgasm.

And, there, you have it. We are so very different. And that becomes really apparent when the temperatures rise and the stories begin and Summer dreams, ripped at the seams. Bu-hut... OH! Those Su-um-merrrr Niiii---hights.

Magical...

It has been a magical day. One full of love and beautiful people. The Reiki Party today was attended, in full, by a family. Seven members of the same family - male and female - here to support one another in their awakenings and I got to be a part of that.

I am grateful to see the life I want actually unfolding before me. I am grateful to be living my life and feeling love. I am grateful for the moments I feel the intense sadness and anger from the past. I am grateful because I understand that it is showing up because NOW I am strong enough to hold space for it to move through. It means I am here, I am alive and I am becoming.

This party today was such a blessed event. What an honor it was to place my hands on each of these people who walked into my space, trusting that I would be gentle with them. I felt such love and humility. And so much magic as these amazing people moved through my space. I love that this family chose to honor themselves and one another by taking a Saturday morning to spend together in this way.

I wonder what the world would be like if more families did this. I wonder... How can I do this with more families?

Awareness...

I am aware that, as of late, my posts have been all "love and light." I'm not usually this sappy or continually peppy. In general, I am a happy person, yet I am still prone to having long lengths of time where I am intensely angry and hateful. Life just seems to be going good right now and when it comes time to write, I feel excited to say, "I FEEL GOOD!"

I have spent years trying to find my Happy Place. There were so many times I wondered if I could go on and if it was even worth trying. For a long time, if you had asked me if I wanted to live, I would have answered, "Yes. I want to live because I have a beautiful daughter. I want to see her grow up into a beautiful woman." For a long, long time my daughter was my only reason for living.

Then, I had a Life or Death choice eight months ago when I walked through the Nile. When I was faced with that choice, I realized that I truly did want to live. I chose in that moment to take another breath, to choose to be here, to stay here for myself and no one else. That choice, I believe, has made all the difference in my life.

So, I will revel in this beautiful life I am creating and I will share with you the joy and love I feel. If it gets dull, all this loving, I am okay if you move on. I imagine there will be down times and times when I am seething again. However, right now, it is not one of those times and I am going to cherish that fact.

At Home

I am at home in my skin today. As of late, I feel like I am alive for the first time in almost two decades. I have my arms open to embrace life and breathe in the miracles all around me. I am abundance and I am space.

I find it incredibly amazing that I finally get this "creating my life" thing. I heard about it for almost ten years before it clicked. And then, seemingly one day, it just did. I know that it wasn't in just one day. I have worked and prayed and played and sweated and pleaded for something to change. I have paid my dues time and again. And while I would love to say it has been easy, it hasn't been. Until it was.

Now it is.

I love me! WOW!

TT - Sighing Into Space

All the world IS a stage and I am sighing into the space of joy and beauty I have manifested. I created the most perfect, beautiful day yesterday. And, this morning, I woke up feeling expansive and grateful and abundant. I love that I have kept at this thing of learning and growing. I love that, when I have fallen off the stage, I have gotten back up and have kept on dancing. I love that I am beginning to "get" it all. I love that I am alone and I am good with that. I love that I am strong and creative and magical. And, most of all... I love that I love myself. This is one gloriously amazing theatrical production I have created - full of music, colors, lights and heat. BRAVA!

TT - "In Your Room"

I dreamt of you last night and I realized, for the first time in my life, what it really feels like to be found.

I recognized the pull of energy, that sensation that whatever I am looking for is nearby. My skin prickled with recognition waiting to be realized and I raised my eyes in the direction of the pull. There you were. Your eyes met mine and lit up, just as I imagine mine did. You wended your way toward me, exuding such confidence and self-awareness that those you passed could not help but stop to gaze at you. You, however, were oblivious to them. You had your mark set and that was your only focus. Your mark was me.

You stepped before me, there amongst the crowds of people milling about in the lobby of some arena, and greeted me with assurance that it was your rightful place to do so. It seemed so natural, this meeting, and I knew from the first moment that my search, your search, our search was over.

Together we laughed and talked as if we had done so for lifetimes. We knew one another already, even though this was the first time we had laid eyes upon one another.

The crowds moved and we were swept up with the current of humanity. We were separated and I began the search with longing to find you again. I searched for hours, wandering the fair grounds, the parking lot, the hundreds of buildings and coloseums and auditoriums. Everywhere there were thousands of people, laughter, loud voices and, yet, inside me was silently still, focused. Everywhere I searched, I could feel you searching. I could feel you had been there, just before me. The sadness of separation tugged at me and continued to push me forward. Exhaustion. Sadness. Can't go another step.

My father found me sitting upon a bench, staring forlornly at the dying roses beside me. I imagined those rose bushes were once very stunning, but now mirrored my sadness with their wilting death, the petals dropping in a sprinkling of pink and yellow.

"He found us," Dad said. "Don't be sad. I know where he is."

I followed my dad feeling the sad longing turning to hopeful yearning. He threw open the gargantuan double doors of the building where you and I had first met and said, "He is over there. Go ahead."

He left me to find you on my own, certain that I could do so. Each row I tried to venture down led me to a dead end. I felt frustration mounting as I continued to go forward and then had to turn around to go back to where I started. I was in a maze. There was no cheese. And the noise? It was escalating. I covered my ears and closed my eyes. Silence. Darkness.

Then there was a light, not visible but magnetic. I moved toward it, weaving in and out of the crowd, ducking under the upraised arms of waiters holding trays loaded with full champagne flutes. I scooted around shuffling brawls and tipping barstools. I ignored the sound of the sportscaster blasting through the room announcing, Daddy's Pride is first by a nose!

And then, I found you. There you were, watching me find you, smiling broadly and sitting amongst my family as if you had always been there. Your blue eyes met mine and I knew that I was willing to be with you in your room forever.

TT - "Through the Eyes of My Beloved"

I have mentioned before that, when it comes my time to pick the Talk Thursday topic, I usually pull it from the air and without any prior notion of what I will write. Such is the case with this week's topic. I sat in front of my computer, staring at a blank screen, wondering what on earth I could suggest for the ring of talented writers. I was completely devoid of brilliant ideas.

Hmmmmm... what should the topic be? WHAT should the topic be? What should the TOPIC be?

"My Beloved Looks at Me and Sees..." my fingers typed of their own volition.

I grimaced unattractively at the computer, as if it was the violator. "What the... I don't even have a beloved! Why in the hell would I write about a beloved?! Besides, that word 'beloved'? It's so... cheesy!"

Without editing myself - a new policy that I am struggling with - I pressed send. And then the fireworks began accompanied with wretching, writhing and anarchy. I laughed for most of the day as the comments came through, realizing that I was reacting as violently to my own topic as the people in the group. I eventually pitched in with my own taunting, calling them all "pussies," and adding a "LOL." I never stopped to think that the name calling would turn the entire interchange to a sour accord.

It's all fun and games until someone gets peed on.

I sat back and watched it all, attempting (rather poorly, I admit) to not take things personally. This is not the first time I have caused group upheaval and chaos with my ideas (once to the point of being kicked out of the group, no ifs, ands or butts [yes, that extra "t" is intentional]). In fact, this is third time this year alone (that I am aware of) that a tornado has been caused by my written words.

None of the experiences have been pleasant. This one was no different.

For awhile, I pondered changing the topic title, but that seemed weak. So I left it as it was, picked myself up and dusted myself off and after the entire ordeal, I was still completely blank on what to write…


Beloved... I hear that word and I am instantly transported to another century and country. With the etymology of this word being around the late 1300's, early 1400's, it is easy to understand the romantic feel of it as it rolls off my tongue. It embodies another time when romance was, seemingly, the most important thing to society.

Closing my eyes, I try to imagine what it would feel like to have someone call me his beloved. I attempt to picture the look upon his face as he gazes at me, how he would touch me, how he would hold me. I wonder how I would feel about him.

I looked in the mirror just now, to see what I would see when I looked at me. Of all the people in the world, I am supposed to love me the most. Therefore, I guess that would make me my own beloved. I am still trying to grasp this whole "love myself" concept, so I stared in the mirror for some time, wondering when I would feel beloved.

It was too much. Staring in the mirror spawned all the thoughts that jump to the surface out of self-defeating habit. Too fat. Too short. Getting old. There's a new zit. Need a hair cut. Where did that gray hair come from? Eyes look tired. Shirt doesn't fit. Pants too tight. When did make-up become laborious?

On and on went the thoughts ad nauseum. I stopped myself and stared into my own eyes, knowing without a doubt that someone who considered me to be his beloved would see beyond all that. He would see into my soul. He would look at me like I look at others - focusing on the beautiful aspects of their humanness.

Why am I not able to offer that to myself?

Two weekends ago, when I pulled myself into my essence, I discovered that love is who I am. When I am in my essence, I feel love flowing through me, around me and surrounding anyone within a five-mile radius of me. When I am in my essence, I am graceful and easeful and I flow with gentle graciousness. When I am in my essence I am Love.

Remembering that, I then knew what I will feel when my beloved looks at me and I look upon him. I have a body knowing of what my truth is and in that truth, there is only grace and beauty and infinite forgiveness. In my essence, I am beauty and warmth and sexuality and a tender embrace. It is there that I no longer have to worry about "how" to love myself. It just happens. When I am breathing and moving, I am alive and I am love.

It is in that space that my true beloved will meet me and I him. And we will see one another.

image: "Endless Love" link: http://www.arsgeek.com/?p=2806